A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need advice on whether or not I should contact this girl who I really like but who I closed off all contact after admitting she doesn't want to go further with me after our first date.I met her over a month ago on a dating site and I quickly established a strong connection with her during this time. I know that's not a lot of time to really start having feelings for someone but I know what I was experiencing was something I haven't felt with someone in a really long time. I've gone on many dates with girls from that site and from whom I've met in real life but no one ever made me feel the way she did since I was in this serious relationship a couple years back.We liked absolutely everything about each other and would have long conversations over the phone. This last Saturday we had finally gone on our first date. Everything went great, on my end at least and I thought they did for her too. To my surprise she sends me a message after our date stating that she doesn't want to be more than friends and that it's "not" me, it's "Her" you know the typical crap a girl says when she's not interested. Since then I've felt torn up. I asked her why she feels this way and what went wrong but all she would tell me is that she's not ready to be in a relationship and that perhaps it's all going too fast for her. I would believe her, it's just that she seemed so affectionate prior to our date and even told me she feels her feelings will only grow after but turns out none of that was true although it was for me. Nothing I had felt changed for me and I only began to like her more. It baffles me why that wasn't the case for her when I felt as if she were just as affectionate towards me. She even began to make out with me which she pointed out as one of the ways I was taking things fast although she initiated that moment. That night I was upset and told her not to talk to me anymore. She seemed to have no problem with that although she appeared somewhat angry and it has now been over 3 days since we have had any communication. I know her decision is her decision and there's nothing I can really do, yet I still really feel for her and am almost tempted to hit her up.Would this be a good idea on my end or should I wait it out for a little while longer? I feel hopeless but I also feel that maybe somehow I can salvage something so that we can get through this and continue. I apologize for the long read, I'm tired but I really need some outside advice on this. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): This is the guy who posted the original question.
I first want to say thank you all for taking your time to read and provide insight to my situation. I'm going to try my best to move on as everyone seems to agree that it's a lost cause and she just wasn't into me. I'll be fine as I've gone through worse. The only effect it'll continue to have on me is you can believe how self-concious it has left me.
In the past I've gone on many dates with girls, some who I liked and some who I had a little interest in. I either ended up not liking then and if they didn't like me I would usually see where I had messed up. This time was different however, I couldn't find where I had gone wrong and I didn't lose any interest in her. It kinda leaves me feeling rather hopeless, not or her but for future girls that I meet. I'm left feeling that I can really never trust anyone or feel much hope with any girl that I "think" likes me. This whole gentleman thing and being sweet is nothing but a waste of my time and I see now that it get's nobody anywhere. I felt that I did all the right things, I was a gentleman, I was sweet, and the one girl I felt wouldn't just abandon everything after our first meet like others have done in the past, only ends up going that same route.
I'm done, I came to the conclusion that nobody I ever like ever likes me or will ever like me back. It just never happens that way. I've had girls show interest in me and like me. I've even had gf's like that and dated a bunch, but never do the ones that I like ever like me back. Because of this last of many experiences I think I will never give into my feelings much when it comes to liking anyone because I can never trust anybody and I'd only be wasting my time putting effort into someone who's not going to appreciate any of it. I'm tired of everyone telling me to move on and that the right girl will come along. I've heard that so many times but what do you know it never happens. This is because there's no such thing. I know many people who've gone through their lives married to someone who makes them miserable. May I ask were these the right people for them? Obviously not. Therefore there's no time to be picky, no one is perfect and we can only just take what we can get because it all comes down to that if putting effort into something makes no difference at all. I think I'm just going to accept a girl who I don't feel such a strong connection with and give up on actually trying because in the end it's all useless effort.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 August 2013):
 I agree - she liked the IDEA of you... but not being WITH you. It's like on any dating site people can look pretty DARN perfect on paper... and reality is VERY different.
I know people FEEL all these things with people they DO NOT really know (talking over the phone/internet is GREAT) but it DOESN'T make up for ACTUALLY getting to know someone.
Don't contact her and honestly, suck it up. So she wasn't a keeper. Don't lose hope. And don't get mad if they don't FEEL what you WANT then to feel or HOPE for them to feel.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 August 2013):
 GOOD FOR HER! I know you are hurting but let's be honest here... once you met she realized there was NO chemistry for her and she let you down FAST... she didn't drag it out and try the "three date rule" she KNEW it was not happening for her so she let you know right away... to me I can totally see why you are smitten with her... she's a class act.
The problem is she's not your class act... or rather you are not her's.
When I was younger my mother (rest her soul) used to tell me "we can still be friends" was "the kiss of death" and it is... it's the nice way of saying... "i'm just not that into you"
she doesn't really want to be friends... at least I think not and chasing after her will only make her uncomfortable and make you miserable.
this is why meeting online is harder than meeting IRL... because the chemistry ONLINE may not be there face to face.
I think for both of your sakes (and your ability to get over this) it's best that you just file it under "lousy experiences" and move on..
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (7 August 2013):
 I can't put in any better than Staceily.
You had high expectations but it just didn't work out. It is very disappointing when that happens. It takes a while to accept, but you do have to accept it.
You must have met women who liked you and wanted to see you again, but you just didn't feel the connection? Well, that's what's happened for her, unfortunately.
You started No Contact as a spur of the moment reaction, but actually it was the right thing to do. If you get back in touch, you risk losing your dignity.
Give it a few weeks and the disappointment will fade.
All the best x
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (7 August 2013):
 There is no salvaging this. She liked you when it was over the phone or online, she did not like you in person. It's harsh but it is the facts as they are. She was all ready for a relationship, as she said prior to meeting you, then after meeting she did a 180 and no longer wants a relationship. You know what that means. And you should know that further contact will only make you appear desperate and push her further away. I'm sure she wanted to like you in person and wanted there to be chemistry but she just didn't feel it like you did. And that happens. You should not try and be friends. You should just move on.
If you try and be 'friends' it's all a sham and everyone knows it. It is just to get closer to her and hope she comes around to feeling the same way about you. Friendship would not be involved in any way and in the future you would finally get fed up enough that she isn't interested and you would stop talking then. Would you be okay with hearing about the dates she goes on? And the guys she likes? I doubt it. But that would be a friend.
It does not matter how you thought the date went or your feelings. She has made it abundantly clear she does not want to date you. Trying to salvage a 'relationship' she never wanted to be a part of makes you seem crazy. Just accept it didn't work out, she didn't like you for whatever reason, and move on. There are tons of girls out there and you will meet one who likes you too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2013): I'm a woman. I can relate to the girl you like.
What I don't understand with men is that why can't you stay friends with someone you like?
Dis she say, I don't want to be your friend and stop talking to me. "She just said I don't want to be more than friends", but not I don't want to be your friend.
Why cant you stay as her friend? You know what, sometimes a woman's NO means Just NOT NOW. Not No as in NEVER.
Honestly, I speak for myself. I have rejected 3 men in a row since my last relationship. one of them I really super like.
but i still rejected him why? because maybe the timing is not yet right, But just like you he stops being a friend to me.
Whatever his reasons are, I don't care.
I just go on with my life and so as him.
but you, i just think you can change something.
maybe you can stay friends with her and see where it goes.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (7 August 2013):
 I would not go chasing her, there is nothing that you can salvage from this. The chances of her having a change of heart are somewhat slim. I know its hard, i know you feel rejected and you feel like you want to go after her to try to win her back, but believe me this would be the worst thing you could possible do. I know it does not feel like it right now but things will get easier, time is a great healer. forget about her, maybe deleting her details would be a good start, if you get tempted to get in touch you won't be able too. Sooner or later you will meet someone who's really into you, but until then forgetr about this girl and move on.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2013): I am sorry but she is not interested - you answered your own question when you observed the 'crap that girls say'.
You need to move on - I have been on dates and been affectionate because it is almost like you are trying to see if there is anything there i.e. if you act like that towards them does that make you feel good.
Sad to say that you should leave this alone and not use any more of your thoughts on this. If someone is interested they do not move away from you. The spark wasn't there/she wasn't feeling whatever 'it' is so leave it and continue the no contact for your sake.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 August 2013):
 Sorry but I think it's a lost cause. I know that's not what you want to hear but I really think it's a done deal.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (7 August 2013):
 Dude ur post sings to me. Im dealing with something similar right now. Yes backoff. I pursued n it pushed her further away. Play it cool. Agree to the friends crap then send her casual hi how r you every few days. Dont say I misd you or anything as it could scare her off. If she sees that you respect her boundary n yet still remain in casual contact she may let u back in.
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