A
female
age
41-50,
*lmondbutter
writes: I have been in a true heart dilemma for the past year. It all started when I went back to work after my maternity leave, I was 34 at the time. I was married at the time going through a separation. I found my work to be a relief from the stress at home and I started getting closer to some of my co-workers. One of them, a male coworker, age 38, whom I have always found very attractive started noticing me and being very friendly with me. I liked the attention and found him to be a willing listener to my marital problems as well as an emotional support. We started walking together on our lunch break and he made me feel so good, I was slowly falling in love. After 4 months of friendly walks and talks and him pursuing me, I decided I would like to get physical with this man. My marriage was over and I was craving some physical intimacy especially with him....He had a long distance relationship but told me it was over and he did not love her. So we went ahead and made plans to get together. The first time we hung out, it was very awkward and I could not even kiss him....I don’t know why I was very nervous. Still, he insisted we see each other again for more. Next time we saw each other, we slept together....Most horrible experience, the whole ordeal lasted about 1 minute, followed by him telling me he did not like to cuddle or kiss after sex. I was completely stunned by his reaction, especially because he had been pursuing me relentlessly for a while. He proceeded to ignore me for a whole month afterward. I wanted him to give me an explanation but there was no way he was letting me intercept him at work. He did not answer my calls. At that point, I told myself to forget it and go on with my life. One day he came up to me and asked if I wanted to talk, I said sure. He invited me over so we could have a more comfortable setting. He apologized for the way he had treated me on our first night together but did not tell me why he acted so rude with me and why the sex was less than one minute. Again that night we had sex, same thing he climaxed in less than a minute. He was a bit nicer to me than last time. This pattern went on for the next 6 months. I would go over to his place, we would have sex and then he would ignore me for the next two to three weeks.... I would go to work, he would smile and say hi but nothing else. I would sometimes go to his desk and we would chat but he would act like nothing had happened between us. He finally started saying that I should spend the night at this house so that we could have sex more than once so that he could last longer but every time, he would climax and then act like he was so tired and hinted for my departure. In June, he decided to move to Washington DC to try to work things out with his girlfriend and start a new chapter in his life. I was shocked as he had told me it had been over and he did not love her. He asked me if I wanted to hang out one last time before he left. I said yes. And the same thing again…except this time I called him out on his behavior. I called him a selfish lover and a cheater. He got offended over me saying that to him. I never said goodbye to him and he’s been gone since. Should I write him a letter? Was he using me? Can someone use another person for sex for a whole year without any feelings toward them? Can you love someone and cheat on them for so long? I have so many questions I don’t know where to start…..
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at work, co-worker, last longer, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 July 2013):
 OP you ask:
“Should I write him a letter?”
Sure as long as you don’t mail it. Write down anything you want to tell him, get it all out then either seal it up and put it away to find after you are healed or burn it. DO NOT SEND IT.
“Was he using me? “
YES HE WAS USING YOU FOR SEX.
“Can someone use another person for sex for a whole year without any feelings toward them?“
YES they can easily do so as you have seen.
“Can you love someone and cheat on them for so long?”
CAN I? NO I cannot. CAN HE? Yes clearly he can. He may not love HER but he does not love YOU. HE probably only loves himself.
A
female
reader, almondbutter +, writes (23 July 2013):
almondbutter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses and advise!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 July 2013):
 19 No.
2 ) Yes and no. Meaning yes, you were for this guy just a mean to the ned of his physical release, in this sense he has used you same as you'd use a tissue if you need to blow your nose. But, the misunderdasting and the ambiguity could only last for the first, ... the second, maybe at most the third time. After which, you knew perfectly what he wanted, or not wanted, from you, how he was going to behave, what he was not going to give you ( affection, attention, good sex....) so if you have stubbornly decided to keep letting him use you again and again and again, if he has used it has been with your permission and cooperation , no point in only blaming him: he was not holding you at gun point.
3 ) Of course !
4 ) No. He did not love either of you.
Move on. Questions won't help you, what is done is done. Learb for this and make sure in futire you never put yourself in the condition of being used.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 July 2013):
 Let's go through your questions, one at a time....
You write: "Should I write him a letter? Was he using me? Can someone use another person for sex for a whole year without any feelings toward them? Can you love someone and cheat on them for so long?"
Answers: No, Yes, Yes, No.....
Good luck in the future....
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