A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone... really need some input from anyone who is feeling unsure about what it is that they want... about three months ago I reconnected with an old friend who I used to very close with 2 years ago... he has a huge crush on me and I thought he was nice too so we tried dating for about 6 weeks and it just didn't work out hence went our separate ways... however most recently we bumped into each other and rekindled our friendship... one thing led to another and we ended up kissing... we have decided to start dating and to see if things develop... he always says to me it fate that we met and that I am his soul mate, and he thinks we belong together... for me I am not at that stage yet and am still really unsure of whether this is really what I want.. he seems so sure yet I am not... to be truthful I cant say I am attracted to him physically but he is a very nice guy whom I genuinely like.. deep down I know he has all the qualities I am looking for i.e. good husband material, looks after me, loves to travel etc however I don't want to just settle as he ticks the boxes... I want to be excited to see him and have butterflies etc but I don't really get that with him... I cant seem to understand why... he makes me smile by his cute/ sweet texts and surprises but he doesn't give me the feeling of thrill and excitement before seeing him etc... is this just a phase? am I just settling? is this normal? I am so confused
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (7 August 2013):
 I think you've given it a good go but unfortunately if it isn't there now it probably never will be. Most of us know a guy who seems ideal - likes us, good person, treats us right. But there is just something missing. It's frustrating but you deserve to have that chemistry with someone, it's worth it and it will be out there.
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (6 August 2013):
 If you don't feel attracted to him then he doesn't tick all the boxes. It's really important to have this in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 August 2013):
 you don't grow INTO butterflies you grow out of them.
I do not think it's a phase.
I'm not sure if you are settling or not.
do you enjoy being intimate with him?
personally I think in this day and age we put too much emphasis on passion and sex.
think about what marriages were for in the past... alliances... family building... no one had sex before marriage... they married because "they are a good catch"
a woman who can cook and is comely (pretty) and kept a nice home was a prize
a man who worked hard and was kind and did not beat his wife or drink and was a good provider and a reasonable husband and father (faithful, true and kind) was a good catch
even when love faded they stayed married and worked through the problems... now a days... we marry in haste and we fall out of love and passion and we leave.
I'm guilty of it.
my current (and 4th) marriage is my last. DOES NOT MATTER if I fall out of love or not. I'm in for the long haul and so is he. We made a commitment, a business deal... yes there is love there but the original plan was to marry because it made good fiscal sense for us. And now we know that even when we fight, there is no shot we are splitting up...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): Sometimes your gut knows what you want, or in this case what you may not want. But i personally wouldn't write the guy off completely yet. Love can come so softly, it builds, it doesn't come over night. I would give the relationship time, this is the second time you have dated, there must be be strong reasons you are drawn to him because normally people don't try a person out twice. Just see what happens. Obviously there is some pressure because he clearly likes you ALOT and you were friends, so a lot to lose if things go sour. But in relationships i think what is most important is friendship, trust, respect and being comfortable with each other. Don't look for excitement and butterflies, think about whether you actually enjoy being with him. Does he make you feel safe, can you talk freely, can you imagine dating him like you would any other guy to see whether you actually fit? Attraction only half the story.I don't want you to settle but equally i don't think you should just walk away from someone who would be a good father/husband. What i do think you should do, is take the pressure off. Explain that though he believes you are soulmates, you want to date him like any other guy .... you like him but for you it's too soon to decalre soulmates. Don't want to hurt his feelings but honesty best. You are exploring what it means to be together. You are having fun and seeing if you have what it takes for a fufutre.I would say give it six months, see how you feel .... don't want you to regret not giving him a chance.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 August 2013):
 If you never have butterflies for 2 years you will never grow into having them. This is the kind of man a woman close to 40 would settle for. You are young and can afford to be picky. You have time to experience the ups and downs, the passion of a relationship, and to sample more men. If you want to be with him you have to decide to spend your whole life with him. Don't be wishy washy and mess his feelings around.
As a woman I understand the confusion. The need for passion and emotional connection is always in conflict with each other. It's close to impossible to find both in a mate. It is often those emotionally unavailable men, unexpressive men who leave us guessing that brings a lot of excitement. Women only settle down when they are running out of time and youth. You can afford to take some risks, but manageable ones. You have to make a firm decision then stick to it. Being with him is settling and you are not stupid to be with a nice guy. Dumping him does not make you a bad person. It's just when the marriage gets dull and boring you want some spice to fall back on, which there is none. With this guy you can fast forward your life 50 years and think this is a secure, comfortable life just missing something.
My disclaimer is that I don't know this guy. He could be a talker and not a doer. He could be a lousy lover. I personally do not respect a man who clings on to a woman, calling her soul mate when it didn't work out before. You know him better than I do.
If you decide to be with him you don't have the right to complain about boredom, second guess the relationship and compare him with other guys.
Raw passion is what makes you feel alive and human. It is natural drive but it is only temporary. If you decide to be with him you have to look for special interests that fill this gap. Marriage and passion are two different things. Depending on other people for it can be a recipe for frustration and disappointment.
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