A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I've been talking/hooking up with this guy and he has a girlfriend of a few years... I don't want to change my situation with him yet but I do want her to know what he's doing. She seems like a really good (virginal) girl... How could I do this without incriminating myself? I have texts/photos for proof, but I don't want it to come back on me. Please help!
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (24 July 2013):
 This question has a familiar tone to it...
But going on the bases of this question, you agree to feel absolute guilt, are willing to not see him anymore and think she should know.
I’d forget about sending those photos etc. via Facebook and Email as that would definitely incriminate you and may place you at risk of his reprisal. IF and WHEN she finds out and confronts him, surely he’s going to think; you done it! As whom else would this point to as having these photos and her email address etc? A third party is required here to carry the news as gossip, having seen you and him together numerous times etc...
I also find it odd to believe that he has a girlfriend of a FEW years! Not a couple of years, but a few years that is saving herself for marriage? I wonder how is this culturally or religiously possible if she’s virginal as you say and within age? I would expect her to be eager to consummate their union by marriage much sooner than a few years later?
Nonetheless I believe given her religious ethics she would be appreciative and stand to benefit from the knowledge of his cheating, compared to being married to him and finding him cheating with anyone stupid enough to have him.
CAA
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 July 2013):
 Why would you continue if you feel guilt? Wouldn't the simplest way to deal with the entire issue be to stop talking/hooking up with this guy?
I read this post initially and thought that it was a case of the OP wanting the guy to be on the same "level" as her, as in he's been ID'd as a cheater and dumped by the girlfriend. Sort of a leveling of the playing field.
If you have no desire to humiliate anyone, end your relationship with him and cut contact with them both.
If you sincerely want to 'help her,' end your relationship with him and send her an anonymous email. I don't really think that you are motivated by altruism toward her, though, are you?
In this case, I think you are looking for a way to precipitate the end of their relationship so you can enter into a relationship with him without the complication of him having a girlfriend.
I have to warn you that guys who act like this dude want 'virginal' girlfriends while they pursue other women. I'm not sure exactly why but it comes down to a double standard. Basically, they would never in a million years commit to a girl who acted like they do. They just want secret FWB with that girl. They would never bring that girl home to Momma. The 'virginal' gf gets family and friend access. The secret FWB will serve as zingy interest but is not considered datable.
Remember Tiger Woods? Is he with any of those secret FWB? Um, no.
This isn't rocket science. If you have proof, make copies and remove incriminating details and mail it to her, if you feel so strongly that she learn about his outside dating interests!
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (23 July 2013):
 Whether you want to be in the middle of this or not, you already are. One woman to another, you should tell her. Admit to your fault in this and tell her you feel she should know what she's getting into. I would also want to know. Boys can be very deceiving as can women.
Ask her out, meet her somewhere and just tell her what's been going on, I'm sure she'll be mad at first, but eventually she'll thank you for telling her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 July 2013):
 If you mention it to him he will construct more lies and a way to make it your fault.
If you tell her, it's your fault.
YOU cannot win here and sadly it's not your place to warn her or fix him.
I would just walk away from both of them. If later on she ASKS you why you distanced yourself then you can say I don't find him trustworthy or honest. It's true.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI absolutely do feel guilt... And definitely have no desire to humiliate him (or her) or have any control over anyone, I've not even mentioned it to him. I'm scared if I mention it to him he will start trying to save face.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (23 July 2013):
 All of the answers so far have been asking "Why?" So I put this on the back burner and let it simmer for a while. There are two things that have surfaced so far.
First our Original Poster shows that she equates the Girlfriend's virginal status ad being an indicator that she is a "really good girl". Following that logic she sees herself and her actions as being bad. There is probably some guilt there but not enough guilt to change her ways or to accept the grief that will surely come her way when (not if) the girlfriend finds out. We do hope that our advice will lead her to that deeper sense of guilt. Anyway she clearly thinks that the girlfriend does not deserve the heartache that the cheating guy is setting her up for. The trouble is she doesn't know the right way to solve the problem.
The other thing that I thought was a possibility is the power balance. Either the mothering power where she feels the need to correct her buddy's behavior, or protect the girlfriend, or she wants to have power over the boy by the threat of exposure, or to humiliate him by the exposure. Power games have quite a lot of allure for many people. This could be the basis for her desire to inform.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk maybe I should of been more specific... We were friends first... There has been no intercourse just fooling around a little bit. He's very slick with all this and I do feel bad for his girlfriend who is saving herself for marriage she's very religious and I think she thinks he's the same. If I was her I'd want to know what he's been doing before I gave myself to him. I really just don't want to be in the in the middle of it. I am willing to not see him anymore. But I don't think this is the first time he's fooled around on her or think it will be the last time. I jut think she should know.... Now I don't have photos of him with me. He sends dirty photos which I still have and have all the texts that's we've exchanged.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): Make a random email/Facebook and email her the truth. Do it from a a library computer and pretend you are a male friend of his.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 July 2013):
I don’t want to change my situation with him YET….
But clearly you do WANT to change it eventually. DO YOU THINK telling her he’s cheating will change it? IT won’t.
If she is NOT your friend but rather his gf, she is sadly NOT your concern or your business.
you telling her will not change that he does not respect her or you. He's all about himself.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (23 July 2013):
 Why do you want to do this. What benefit is it to you to hurt her like that?
Examine your motives very, very carefully, and then consider ALL possible ramifications.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (23 July 2013):
 Yeah, why would you want to do this? You don't give a lot of information, but do you somehow feel that you are morally superior to him? You are not. If you're going to tell her, our allow her to find out, then at least be honest about your part in this.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 July 2013):
 But why would you want to do that ?
It can't be in the hope of making them argue and break up so that you can have him all to yourself, because you are fine with the way things are currently.
It can't be on moral grounds because you are strobgly adverse to cheating and deceiving- because you are actively cooperating and being an accomplice in cheating and deception.
And it can't be just of womanly compassion to a fellow female that you don't want to see hurt, because otherwise you would not do anything to hurt her.
So, what would be the sense in it, what would you accomplish ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): It's going to come back on you whether you want it to or not. You are the other woman and especially if you had prior knowledge, that makes you a selfish one. You should really think about your life choices if you're wanting to continue your relationship with this selfish man. I think it's also terrible you want to further hurt this girl with pictures of you and her boyfriend engaging in activities that would break her heart.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (23 July 2013):
Did you have prior knowledge of his relationship before you engaged in one with him?
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