A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When separated from a marriage are you considered single and able to do whatever you want to do? I am separated from my husband. Living somewhere else and not speaking. Looking to get an apartment and move on until the point divorce is possible, we have to wait a year of separation here first. Now during this time does my husband/ex have any say in what I do? Do I have say in what he does? He said I am not allowed to live with my male friend, strictly platonic male friend, but I'd need a roommate as I cannot afford to live on my own. And I won't be living at my grandmother's house for an eternity as an adult. He also says you can't date when separated. I don't plan to, not any time soon anyway, but I don't know if he is right. I've known three different people who were separated and dating someone else before their divorce was finalized. Two were actually engaged to someone else. Obviously the relationship was long over and they were living separately, they just hadnt gotten to the divorce yet for whatever reason. He made the comment that we are still married until we aren't and that he will be acting that way. I don't know what he means. How do you live separately and plan to divorce yet still worry what your ex husband thinks about what you are doing? And he initiated the separation by the way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2013): "I'd still like to see my marriage work out. But we are separated now and not speaking. I just feel stuck. I don't want to wait around, I want to be able to move on in case it doesn't work out. But moving on would mean he won't ever want to reconcile so I would be ending my marriage by doing so. "
you want to see if your marriage will work. But you don't want to wait around. You want to move on if it doesn't work. But moving on means it won't ever work so you don't want to do that either. And also you have no place to stay.
First need to find a sustainable living arrangement that doesn't affect making a decision about your marriage. Separate the two issues, they should not be linked together.
If you can't afford a place on your own, then find a roommate or two. Put up ads for roommates, the way college kids and many single adults do. You are not limited to either finding a place on your own which you can't afford, or living with your male friend! Lots of people can't afford to live by themselves and dont' have family or romantic partners to move in with. So they put want-ads for roommates. You can specify only certain "types" of people, such as within a certain age range, female only, no pets, no kids, no drugs, must not be a party animal, etc etc. Landlords will do background checks on prospective tenants so you don't have to worry about them being a criminal. If you need an extra level of security then find a roommate through referrals from people you know and trust. Surely someone you know (friend, family, coworker, neighbor, your dry cleaner, friends of friends...) may know someone who is looking for a roommate? Otherwise, graduate students often make good roommates as they are in your age range, are often "done" with their wild party years, and tend to be more mature and responsible than college kids while also often still single or not ready to settle down and thus need to rent someplace.
Basically, the living situation is not limited to either your husband or your male friend. it is a relatively easy to solve problem.
Then once you have a place to stay that does not in any way depend on what happens in your marriage, now you are freed up to decide what to do about your marriage on its own terms.
If you are willing to play the waiting game, then by all means go ahead and do so. But that's why you need to find sustainable living arrangements that aren't affected by your marriage so you aren't pressured into a decision one way or the other.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not sure if I'm done with him and the relationship. I'd still like to see my marriage work out. But we are separated now and not speaking. I just feel stuck. I don't want to wait around, I want to be able to move on in case it doesn't work out. But moving on would mean he won't ever want to reconcile so I would be ending my marriage by doing so. But I can't live where I am at much longer. We agreed to separation and to see how we feel down the road after time apart dealing with this. I hate the uncertainty.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 August 2013):
 OK wait and see is going to do absolute nothing for the marriage. If you two SERIOUSLY want to work it out then you BOTH need to roll up the sleeves and figure out how to go about it.
Wait and see.... is not working on it. It's postponing a divorce is all.
If YOU want to move on, then do so, FILE for the divorce and do what YOU need to do to move on, even if that means moving in with a friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe talked of reconciliation before I left. We both said that would be nice if it could happen but that we most likely won't ever work. We never made plans to talk. It was a wait and see type of attitude, from him, as though we will see if we even want to try inthe future. So I could end up waiting for nothing.
I am not planning to date at all. I have no interest in it, I mentioned that only to illustrate what he had said. My problem is that I am in a bad place right now. I don't want to live where I am at anymore than absolutely necessary. My only option I can afford is to get a place with my male friend. He had said that was inappropriate before I left. And that it would also mean no chance of reconciliation. I'm starting to get mad about it. I'm stuck in a place I hate and am miserable while he gets the house (it's in his name and is his) and I have to deal with it until he decides what he wants..? Seems unfair. I'm not trying to date the friend and absolutely never ever would. But I need somewhere to go and can't afford a place on my own on my salary. My husband/ex will not be helping me with any money nor does he have to according to my lawyer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): If you have full intentions to divorce, and your mind and heart have already considered this marriage over and done with, then I think it's morally fine for you to date others. In this case, the divorce is just a formality to publicly and legally finalize what is already etched in your heart and mind.It would be different if you were only separating because you're not sure what to do about your marriage. what does your husband means when he says you're still married until you divorce. It might mean that he still has hopes of reconciling and that he isn't giving up trying to win you back yet. So what, if you are sure of your feelings, then he can do whatever he wants, the divorce will still happen. However, he might also mean that he intends to punish you in divorce court however he can by invoking infidelity as a cause of the divorce (so then it wouldn't be a "no fault" divorce). be careful if this is what he means because if he has evidence that you're dating he could use it against you in court to screw you over. my grandfather's divorce to his second wife finally has gone through this year. But it took 10 YEARS because of all the fighting in court over assets as his ex wife is a very vindictive person and has a lot of money to fight court battles. In the meantime, he has found a new lady-friend (a widow) and they are very happy together and live together and they are like an old married couple, you would think if you saw them, that they had been married 50 years to each other. It would have been ridiculous to say that they had to wait 10 years for his divorce to get final before they could do anything together (especially once you get to a certain age you dont' know how much time either of you have left if you know what I mean)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): You are planning a divorce not trying to work things out so I say go for it, but this COULD complicate things in the divorce proceedings, especially if Alienation of Affection laws are in your state. Discuss this with your lawyer.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): Your husband obviously considers you still committed to him and vice versa. Whether you agree is up to you, but his feelings are clear.
If he cannot handle you dating others right now then how will he be able to handle it after the divorce is final? He is either being too controlling of you or else he is in denial that you and him are really splitting up. Either way he needs a splash of cold water on the face. Tell him that you intend to start dating other people and that includes sleeping with other people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): You should talk to a lawyer and find out what the laws in your state are.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 August 2013):
 I can't give you much advice as to how a woman approaches this issue of being "single, and available".... but CAN tell you that, from a "guy" point of view, we consider ourselves "single and available" the first time that our lady friend irks us..... and remain "single and available" from that time on... until either: 1. we get caught, or, 2. we come to our senses and decide that we didn't really want to screw up the marriage/relationship, after all....
Does that help clarify this for you???
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 August 2013):
 sounds like you live in my state.. same thing here.
technically if you date while separated where I live you can be charged with adultery.
and you are required to live under separate roofs for 365 consecutive days before you can even FILE for the divorce. even ONE night together starts the countdown all over again.
there are two states here... married or NOT married... there is no legal separation in my state.
as for anything other than financials or legals, I think that you have no say for him and he has none for you
but if you live with a male roommate even platonically he could get a good lawyer and really bust your chops.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 August 2013):
Personally, I don't consider someone who is separated as single. THEY are technically STILL married. If a person truly don't want to be with their spouse, then file divorce and get it done.
THEN I see them as single. Not a minute earlier.
I know however that MANY people consider themselves "single" the minute they leave a spouse. Some even take YEARS before they get divorces.
As for your husband (soon to be exn I assume) does he have a say? In my book, no. If you take care of yourself financial and can only afford to live with a friend til you get back on your feet or find your own place, then THAT is what you can afford. UNLESS he is paying for you to gallivant around and live like a single woman.
Why haven't you two filed for divorce yet? Is the separation because you HAVE to wait XX amount of months? Or because you two can't afford a divorce (if you have no kids/property together there are many CHEAP online options) Or is it because you two aren't SURE you want to divorce? If it is the first two, then no, I don't see why he can tell you where to live, but if it is the third, then HE needs to help out with an option that is acceptable for both of you.
I know quite a few people who have gotten divorced YEARS after the marriage was actually over, and as soon as the ink was dry they started dating new people.
For the most part the XX months of separation that some states require is a GOOD time to reflect and move on from the marriage/relationship that didn't work. And that is why I think.... people OUGHT to wait with dating until they are LEGALLY single.
Then again, I'm old fashioned. But that is what I think.
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