A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm in a six month relationship with a great guywho I recently saw has masses of nervous porn deleted from his pc in his recycle bin. He's 45 and I'm just wondering what this is? I haven't restored these files. Im worried because I have a teen daughter and I know he is attracted to the girls in their late teens and early twenties as I always catch him looking at them a little too long. I'm open minded about these things but a protective mum if a very attractive teen at the same time. I just wanted to know more before I broach the subject in a gentle unaccusing way. Please don't judge me harshly. He hasn't given me any other cause for concern. We are thinking about living together so I just want to be sure about things. Thanks guys
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): Thank you so much for your replies guys. I finished with him yesterday. I need to feel 100% safe. I value the time you took to reply to my question. One very humble OP : )))
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2013): In my opinion, it would be irresponsible and selfish to expose your daughter to a man who might or might not be a danger to her.
At this stage, you are still discovering more about him as a person. You've only just found out his taste in porn and his fantasies. What else do you not know about him? My point is, you don't know this man enough for you to live together.
The fact that he has a fetish for young females like your daughter only compounds the fact that you tread slowly in this relationship.
It could well be true that he would never harm a hair on your child's head. But right now, you don't have reason to believe that. Instead, you have reason to tread with caution.
You don't find out how trustworthy he is by asking him. You find out by spending more time with him and getting to know him thoroughly. Wouldn't you be offended if he asked you whether you are trustworthy? I would be offended if someone ask Ked me. Even if I wasn't trustworthy, I'd hardly confess. I wouldn't say 'yes actually I have been fantasising about your daughter because that's how I like them'. He is not going to say that, so asking him verbally doesn't really allay your concerns.
In my opinion, he hasn't done anything wrong yet. He could be offended because being accused of being a pervert is hurtful and insulting.
However, It's still true that your daughter is his type and your daughter is at a vulnerable and impressionable age where authority figures are attractive. Your daughter's safety is your primary concern. It would be irresponsible parenting to move these two under the same roof until YOU are convinced by his *ACTIONS* OVER A LONG TIME that he is trustworthy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2013): I would be very, very, concerned. If a man (assumming he is around your age) is watching that much teen porn, or any teen porn and you have a teen daughter, you are asking for serious trouble.
How could this man be in the same home, with a daughter looking the age or being the age of the trash he's watching to satisfy himself? It's one thing to be watching when you are alone, single, unattached, etc. but when you bring a child into the mix, an honorable and responsible man would let all that go. All it takes is one curious teen, a moment alone doing something innnocently or perhaps getting into mischief and she stumbles onto it... or this guy takes it to another level. I would pray not, but you've only been with him six months. You have not seen all of him yet, just the good stuff. Living with someone eventually brings it all out and some things you can live with, others are deal breakers. This would be a mandatory discussion prior to moving in with him. Boundaries need to be set and concerns need to be addressed and ironed out. This guy blew up at you about your inquiry...HUGE red flag. Do not ignore the signs here. They are screaming at you loud and clear so don't let your relationship and attraction to this man cloud your judgement. Your daughter is counting on you, even though she doesn't know it.
Personally, I would not date a man who finds an attraction to young women, as I have daughters who are young women and that would be very disturbing to me on too many levels. That to me is pervert status. A man his age should be not be looking at those young women as anything more than kids, not sex objects...pervert.
I told my boyfriend, if he even looked at my daughters wrong, if I had any sense of something off, anything innappropriate, he was gone. That is not something I will ever test out or make excuses for in a grown man who could potentially be a father figure in my daughter's life. Not their father, just a father figure. Porn does not fit into that category in any way, shape or form.
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A
female
reader, theres_always_a_loophole  +, writes (29 July 2013):
 "Im the OP. I talked to him and he blew up saying I made him feel like a pervert and he likes lots of different porn. I feel worse than ever :'("Don't take responsibility for his feelings. It's likely he already felt like a pervert for the type of porn he was watching. He was already feeling guilty, and your bringing it up just confirmed what he was feeling all the more. It's great that you're concerned for your daughter's safety. I would get this issue resolved before you move in together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2013): Do not move in with this guy. If he is watching young teen porn and you have a teen daughter, the two should never be anywhere near each other. Men who are watching that stuff have no understanding of being a parent and what that's all about. He IS a pervert and you should be very concerned. I would never tolerate porn in a household with children, ever. Very irresponsible if you move in because that's what is on his computer. Eventually this will all come up when you moved in together. Don't do it. Protect your daughter at all costs and keep an eye on this guy if you continue to date him. Personally, I would not date a guy who watches that and especially how defensive he got over it spells trouble. If it was no big deal and nothing at all, the reaction would have been a lot less I would think. Just saw a news story about 100 children, the youngest being 13 saved by the FBI from sex trafficing as well as 150 pimps...small peanuts, but wow...and people think porn is harmless??? That could be your child who was taken and forced to perform so perverts could watch it. Sick, really sick.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (29 July 2013):
 I honestly wouldn't worry about it. There are all kinds of kinky, bizarre, or sometimes down-right disturbing porn genres out there watched by all kinds of people. It's all just fantasy, and that fantasy rarely translates to something a person would try in reality.I can certainly appreciate why you'd be concerned, but I can also understand why he'd be offended. Just apologize, and explain to him that porn isn't something with which you're familiar. It was a misunderstanding on your part that came from a place of genuine motherly concern. Hopefully he'll understand that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 July 2013):
 I too see it exactly like C.Grant.
His reaction sounds disproportionate, - after all, he may like " all kind of porn ", but you don't have all kind of women ( or men, or transgender ) living with you , you only have a teen / barely legal girl and if he likes teen / barely legal girls, it's logic and natural that , as a parent, before admitting him to live with YOUR teen, you want to know EXACTLY how much he likes teens- and what he likes them for.
That may be an awkward , sensitive subject, I don't doubt it, but, how can a grown up man NOT understand where you are coming from ?....
Uhm. Methinks that the gentleman protests too much.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 July 2013):
 I totally agree with C. Grant that his REACTION to your question is worrisome... he so overreacted.
perhaps it is just guilt.... many men are raised that porn and masturbation are bad... and "barely legal" porn skirts the boundaries even more.
the truth is YOU did not make him feel like a pervert... HE feels like a pervert.
this will require more talking... if you were married or living together I would suggest a counselor to help facilitate the conversation which is clearly difficult for both of you.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (29 July 2013):
 Your motivation for checking this out is commendable. Without knowing exactly how you raised the issue with him, I nonetheless have to say that his reaction is worrisome. You hit a nerve -- the question is whether he blew up because porn and masturbation generally are things that he feels are private and not to be discussed, or because more specifically he has a thing for the 'barely legal' stuff and feels like he's been busted.
This is obviously a very delicate subject, and to get anywhere productive you're going to have to tip toe. But I would hold off on the living together thing until you're sure that it will be a healthy & safe environment for your daughter
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (29 July 2013):
 Yea big red flag and he shouldn't make u feel bad. If he's doing that chances are he could be an addict.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2013): Im the OP. I talked to him and he blew up saying I made him feel like a pervert and he likes lots of different porn. I feel worse than ever :'(
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 July 2013):
A quick Google search indicates it's women that are nervous about being in porn (surprise!). Usually young but legal girls. Sooooo.... I guess he does like young girls; I would be a little creeped out if I were you.
I don't understand what the appeal of this could be, but it seems slightly related to a scary older guy seducing a young "first timer".
Asking him about it would probably be a good idea.
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