A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:dear aunts and uncles, my gf lately has been adding on facebook a few guys and that makes me feel insecure, i trust her but im not feeling cofortable with it. last night a girl who knows my gf told me to be careful with her as she is not the person I think she is. she said a week before we started dating she went on holidays with her friends, they went to a club and she said she disappeared for a couple of hours and she came back drunk with hickies all over her neck and chest. she didn't explain anything that night. this girl who knows her and her friends says she is shady and shallow. however my gf says she is the kind of girl who would never make up with strangers or one night stands. i dont know much about her past because we dont have friends in common before me and she is very hesitant to talk about her past too. her friends are her friends and they would never tell me if she does something behind my back. trust is important and im trying to brush this off but i cant help to feel jelaous, insecure about what this girl said about my gf and adding guys constantly to her facebook.we have been together for over a year. we are happy overall, is long distance and the plan is to move in together next year. should I be weary of her? or am I just being paranoid?
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male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (18 September 2013):
Don't believe someone who obviously doesn't like your girlfriend over your actual girlfriend.
Obviously part of the story is true, but as far as the "she's not who you think she is" crap, forget about it.
I think adding a bunch of guys on Facebook may be a sign that she's needing attention, but I can't blame her since you guys have an LDR.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): I suggest you don't dwell on the virginity lie. You are right to be upset about it but lots of people will judge you for having any feelings about female virginity at all. The moment they hear that you are upset about that particular topic they will turn against you no matter what the circumstances of the story.
As for your GF, I say break things off. You don't really know her and you obviously cannot trust her after all this time.
BTW: go get yourself thoroughly STI tested. Soon. Sexual lies can leave you stuck with more than just heartbreak. And its that much more likely when your GF is prone to screwing guys she meets at clubs.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 August 2013):
 kissing a guy and getting hickies is not the same as having sex...
In my youth I spent nights with boys I never had sex with. I don't doubt she could have done exactly the same thing.
basically you are saying after a year together you don't trust her...
if you don't trust her you have no relationship and it's best to consider ending it if you can't figure out a way to resolve this issue as you will always hold it against her and never believe her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2013): Original poster, update: maybe I should have gone deeper into knowing about that trip. it backfired. I had to ask another girl about my gf behavior and I got a surprise. she told me that most of the times they were out to clubs, my gf used to make out with guys but nothing further. however she said on that trip my gf disappeared until the next morning with hickies. if she had a one night stand isi none of my business because that happened when we knew each other but no dating yet. my problem now is that she told me once I was her first guy who ever had sex with and i belived her. sadly I see I wad not and now the fact that she lied to me is breaking my heart. I asked her about that trip, my gf confessed she kissed the guy for a bit outside the club but nothing else. now I'm feeling like crap because I love her but I suspect she lied. it breaks my heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): For the guys on Facebook, I think it depends if she knows them already? It could be perfectly innocent and she's stumbled across a few guys she went to school with or something. Just because she is in a relationship, doesn't mean she can't speak to her male friends anymore. But if the guys are random, then yes it's weird and you should ask her what is going on.
As for this other girl, I'd be inclined to take what she says with a pinch of salt to be honest. Why would she come to you and tell you all of these things that happened before you two were even together? Even if it were true (and I'd guess from experience it's likely to be very exaggerated if even true at all), well she was single at the time so it wouldn't be the crime of the century. It seems as though this girl has something against your girlfriend, and the fact she has gone behind her back directly to you instead of saying these things to her face proves she isn't exactly a trustworthy person either.
I think you should trust your girlfriend unless she gives you a reason not to. And the next time someone tells you something like that, tell them you are happy to discuss the matter when your girlfriend is also present - see what they say then.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): I'm surprised your girlfriend has friends who call her shady and shallow. I don't know who your girlfriend is and whether she really is playing around behind your back, but try to see for your own eyes or bet yet, talk to your girlfriend about your insecurities (careful not to get her angry or make her think you're accusing her).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): After being together for as long as a year, you should trust your girlfriend first.
People on the sidelines may give you warnings, but take them at face-value. This girl may have an ax to grind with your girlfriend from the past, and may be trying to sabotage your relationship.
Girls tend to get jealous of each other. Guys do to, but our approaches and deeds aren't quite the same. Back-biting is universal among the genders. Take that as a warning.
Even if what she says is true, people do change; and may behave differently once they are with the person they really want to be with.
Your young relationship has to be able to endure rumors and gossip. It comes with the territory. It is a challenge to your security and ability to trust your partner. We are all human. Capable of making mistakes.
You should be honest and upfront with her about your feelings regarding her adding guys on Facebook. Explain to her that guys may not have the same intentions as women; and as long as she keeps a comfortable distance, you don't have a problem.
Social media is meant to allow us to socialize on a broader scale. It enriches our social lives by adding new people we wouldn't ordinarily meet, and giving us exposure to others.
If she is an extroverted sort of person, she will have friends of both genders. That doesn't mean you don't keep an eye on her behavior around other guys. Just don't look through the eyes of jealousy.
If she hasn't committed any crimes up to now, don't get all concerned about what she did when you weren't even in her life. "Girls just wanna have fun!"
What attracted you to her in the first place?
It might be good to know something about her past, but you have no right to judge her by it. You have a past too, and she may not like everything that happened in it. So most of us are on equal-footing when it comes to that.
Judge her only by how she treats you, how she behaves in the company of other men, and how you feel toward her.
People may give you legitimate warnings, but you also have to have evidence to convict her of any wrong-doing. In the present; or during your relationship together, I should add.
She went on vacation with friends, and had a blast. She was a single woman at the time, and you got information from someone (unsolicited I hope) who may have just been jealous; or hoping to poison what she has now.
You should also consider the sources of your information and their motives.
Why are they so concerned about you? Who are they to judge her, and decide who she should be with? Maybe being with you, has made her a better person. Give yourself some credit. You said you're happy overall.
Why is her past behavior even an issue, if it has no direct bearing on your current relationship?
I think just letting her know how you feel about adding guys to Facebook is enough. She should know there are reasonable limits to your tolerance, when other men are involved in her social-life. You can keep things balanced by just being open-minded, and also increasing your own support-system of friends.
Keep all communications above-board and out in the open. Ask her to do the same.
That doesn't mean "demand" that she do anything. Control yourself, not your girlfriend.
I'm suggesting that you politely request that she keep her communication with guys public/visible enough for you to know they aren't hitting on her. You're not an idiot, and you know how guys think and behave when girls get too friendly.
If she is discovered to be secretly communicating with men, consider that a red-flag; and address the issue with the evidence on hand to back it up. Put up or shut up.
You are over 25 years old, and that places you well into adulthood. You don't worry about the things you did when you were in your early 20's and teens.
If she is younger, she is going to have her fun; but she also knows her boundaries when it comes to you. Just let her know when she's pushing the limits. She must feel trusted. That's part of loving her. You don't own her.
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