A
female
age
51-59,
*ickie917
writes:I've been with my husband for 20 years (we were both VERY young), and married for 14 years. He is a police officer and I recently found out that he is cheating on me with a female paramedic. The divorce is in process - but how do I remain civil and not create a scene in front of the kids? I know that they are old enough (10 and 12) to figure out what is going on.I've never bad-mouthed him or said anything negative, but I am really tired of making excuses and defending him to the kids. If she stays in the picture I do not know how I will deal with her - UGH!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2013): With the exception of the first comment on here I would listen to the aunts advice. Don't get into the name calling as that's pathetic and won't make you look good. Also you are the adult your children will look up to.
You can have the upper hand quite easily by acting with dignity, you sound like you have been so far.
Don't defend/make excuses for him to the kids,, that's asking too much of yourself.
Just make sure the children know you both love them, they need security in their little world and carry on doing the great job you obviously are.
At their ages they probably will work out what has happened and you can be as honest as you feel is right. A child doesn't lose it's love for a parent just because that parent has acted badly.
I hope everything works out for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2013): Most police departments offer family counseling, and have family-support groups. You should take advantage of this option, if it is available. You need a place you can vent your frustrations, before they build up and start eating away at your health. You're under a lot of pressure, and you have my sincerest empathy.
The children are old enough to discuss what's going on; but the family-counseling would help them too, so they won't start acting out. They already know what's going on; but will play dumb hoping it will all work out. They remain in denial mainly for your sake.
They know you're in pain, and they can see it on your face. My dear, it isn't easy to hide. People who love you know when you're suffering, that includes children.
Speaking of support-groups, you need to stay close to your mother and grandmother. They are the best sources of support; because you also need the nurturing. I hope either or both are alive, and available for you. They will be your safe-haven when you feel the full weight of divorce proceedings. It's a tough road to travel alone.
You also need to spend time with girlfriends, to discuss your pain and unload. Throw in some laughter; so you can re-energize and spare the children too much concern. They will experience every minute of the divorce with you; so be on your best behavior at all times. Don't teach them to be evil or vengeful. They will repeat what is learned. Remember that.
Avoid alcohol or narcotic prescription medications, or the combination of the two. I'm not going to leave this advice out.
Women hiding their feelings often resort to these substances; because keeping up a facade is so exhausting. You're the wife of a police officer; so I can't afford not to mention this. WiseOwlE knows human-nature.
If you practice religion, you might want to seek some church-counseling. It can be soothing and lighten the emotional burden. Faith heals a lot of people in your situation. The counseling and support is free.
Just exercise and meditation eases that tension, so you won't lose it in front of the children. Just make sure they know they will not lose access to their father, and that you will be there for them no matter how things turn out.
When a family comes apart; the thing that worries the kids most, is if their mother will allow them to see their father. They can deal with the divorce.
Many women isolate their children out of their own selfish vengeful frustration.
That is what hurts the children more than the divorce. Unless the reason for divorce is abuse, children should know they will not lose contact with a father who wants to be in their lives. They should know their needs come first.
If you can establish that with your children, you can come clean with what is going on, and take a load off your shoulders. They will support you as long as they know you have their best interest at heart. That goes beyond hiding the truth from them. They just want to feel safe.
Just the fact you reached out for help, shows you adore them more than life itself. You're doing everything you can to protect them, in spite of your own pain. Honesty will prepare them. Their strength will come from your strength.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (23 July 2013):
 You don’t have to deal with the paramedic, she was not the one who dishonoured your marital vows; it was your husband! She may not even remain in the picture. Other than divulging the truth yourself as mentioned… I believe there should be an appropriate time and place to sit your children down and explain what’s going on. Telling the truth is one thing, but they may need time off to digest this reality?
It may also be appropriate if he explained his actions without divulging every single detail and face those innocent faces of his children? Why not let him face his own personal Court, Judge and Jury?
Meanwhile you continue to lead and set a good example just as you’ve been doing by not bad-mouthing him, as this is far from being over and they have a right to love their father; that is why you defend him. On the other hand you don’t have to love or defend him as your husband; hence you are divorcing your children’s father and best to find adult company to vent!
Take Care – CAA
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2013):
 I agree with the other two ladies.
Kids are smart. Smarter then we (parents) give them credit for, but I would also strongly suggest you STOP covering up for him. No need to bad mouth either and never "vent" to the kids. Find adults for that outlet (or on here for instance).
Sit them down, explain what's going on and why in as SIMPLE terms as you can.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 July 2013):
 I agree I would not lie for him.
I would tell them the sanitized truth "daddy just feels the need to be with other people and sadly he did not come to me first and he LIED to me about it. I can't trust daddy anymore to not lie to me so I have to leave daddy but he loves you and he's still YOUR daddy even when he's NOT my husband any more."
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 July 2013):
 If they ever ask you about the situation then tell them the truth, don't lie for the lying sack of shit. They deserve to know what their father did to destroy their home. Just don't embellish or volunteer the info, wait until they ask. Try to stay away from the other sack of shit and only deal with your ex when it comes to the children, that way you can avoid the temptation to smack her ugly mug. Be strong girlfriend and remember to stay classy then you are the ultimate victor in this mess.
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