A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had two failed long distance relationships. One was within the country. Other one was with the a girl from US. Here, in our area, dating and having girlfriend is consider a taboo thing. I don't like arrange marriages . So most of the time, I turn to online dating site and it will again result in a long distance relationship. I would like to know how distance relationship can work? and have seen that it worked for some people. Please kindly guide me on this! Thanks in advance!
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Caftin  +, writes (26 July 2013):
 LDR's are hard work, I won't lie to you.They end mainly due to not enough attention from one another. In a normal relationship you can see each other whenever you like, or at least arrange to meet up and it's easy. Whereas with LDR's, you're both paying travel and accommodation, then time together/dates, in the short period you're both meeting up and just when you've started to settle with one another and enjoy each other's company, it's time to go home again :/ So it really is hard on both people's feelings, more so than a normal relationship.The tips to keep one going, is to always be there for one another via the phone or pc or laptop when you aren't within walking distance of one another. This is to reassure the bond you've both shared and the feelings that are blossoming. And also, you may both get weepy from time to time and it will be frustrating that you can't cuddle, so always have your mobile handy.Next, goals. Set a date to meet up for a few days and countdown towards that day. 1. It'll make your partner feel like you're looking forward to it just as much as they are. 2. It'll make them feel loved for doing that and for also arranging it in the first place. 3. You'll both be happy.LDR's do work, but that's only because in the long run you end up together permanently. Me and my boyfriend were in an LDR for 3 years before he moved in with me and we're still going.Always remember, an LDR is emotionally straining for both people involved so it needs MORE attention in that aspect so both people aren't feeling undervalued or unloved.Hope it works out for you!! :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): I was in a long distance relationship for 2 years, one of the greatest relationships I've ever been in. ( the irony is it ended due to a particular incident that had nothing to do with our relationship) The way to make a long distant relationship work is the treat the person as if they weren't in a long distance relationship. People tend to subconsciously do things different in a long distance relationship.The 4 most important factors of a long distance relationship would consist of 1.) Communication 2.) effort 3.) loyalty and 4.) time.Communication- talk on a daily basis. this includes phone conversations, texting, email, and VIDEO CHAT!! Video chatting is important because nothing hurts worse than investing your time and feelings into a catfish! ( someone lying about who they are).EFFORT- Like all relationships, you have to put forth effort. This is especially important for a long distance relationship because without the effort things will take a left turn quickly! Plan dates months in advance to meet up, make that a priority. (be sure to bring someone along, never go alone the first few times). Send them small gifts like a letter in the mail, flowers, things of that sort. treat them as if they live in the same area as you.LOYALTY- People tend to feel that because they are in a long distance relationship, cheating and lying is okay. WRONG! With loyalty comes trust and trust has to be earned. its one of the most vital keys to making any relationship work. last but not least.TIME- Make time to include them in your DAILY life. set aside times to video chat with them, talk with them, and to just be there like a significant other is suppose to. If you're going to have a long, busy day be sure to take the time out and let them know. Giving them time out of your days lets them know that they are important. Without time there really isn't a relationship. This is what made my relationship work. I'm currently in another long distant relationship and with these 4 key points, everything is going perfect. I hope this helped, good luck !
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 July 2013):
 the ONLY way they work is if the GOAL for both partners is to be together full time.
IF you meet online, then you need to meet face to face within a very short period of time. Then if you click you must have regularly scheduled visits. I suggest monthly or more often and quarterly at the bare minimum if you are more than country apart.
My husband and I met in real life and managed ONE year apart with weekly visits for a year before we could not bear to be apart daily any more.
we have friends who are married and two hours apart for another 2 years but they see each other on skype every night and he takes the train in to be with her every friday...
so as long as your goal is to NOT be LDR them it can work temporarily but not forever.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 July 2013):
 They may have worked for some people, but they don't work for most people. First, because if you haven't even ever met the person, ever spent time with her IRL consistently, you can't say you love the person, what you love is the fantasy, the expectations you have, what of your wants and needs you project on the other person and which the person seems to fulfill. But it's simple being the ideal man or woman by email or phone, and it's simple to say what the other wants to hear. Then, IRL... it is so often a soap bubble that bursts at the slightest pressure.
Second ,because even if the two people have met before or can see each other every now an then, it takes them twice the detrmination, twice the enthusiasm , twice the will strength to carry on the relationship against all the obstacles ( loneliness,jealousy, etc. ) until they can be reunited. In other words they must be twice in love and twice serious than normal couples.
So, no wonder that most LDRs fail more or less miserably.
Where that does leave you ? Not in a great position, since you can't change centuries of culture and religion single handedly.
I guess it depends, from your specific family and social environment and country. I know that for Muslims western-style dating is a no-no, at least officially. But I must say that often , from what I have seen, even in the case of arranged marriages, ... it was more like arranged introductions. The family would seek and propose to the attention of the wanna-be bride or groom a number of candidates from within their circle of acquaintances, and often it's arranged to meet in public, with chaperons, to get a first general impression... or at least you get a detailed " profile " as on a dating site, of the candidate's looks, income, personality, likes and dislikes...
If you think about it, ... it's not THAT different from when your friends set you up with a blind date in the Western world... or from what many moms of any culture and religion do anyway, LOL : they look out for a good catch for their offspring. Of course it takes a pinch of luck to find love this way, then again , don't we need luck always in life for all we do ?
So, if your family allows you a soft approach to arranged marriage, i.e., you can have your say, you don't have to take the girl sight unseen, you can refuse an unappealing match, you are given different options,... well, in lack of better, I would not scoff at the possibility on principle, again, it's not so radically different than checking profiles on a site.
Otherwise, if this is not an option for you- alas, I can't advise you anything but : emigrate and go live abroad where you can pick and choose your girl independently.
...............................
|
