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So_Very_Confused
writes:So often folks will ask "am I co-dependent" or will label someone "co-dependent"There was a period of time that it was the "popular" diagnosis of mental health disorders.I often wondered if I myself was co-dependent. I read many books on it, including Meolody Beattie's CoDependent no more and Beyond CoDependency. I've attended CoDA meetings (the co-dependent's 12 step program modeled on AA. IF you wish to find CoDA meetings go here: http://www.coda.org/I can tell you what codependency is not:it is not care taking. If it was care taking then parents would be codependent and adult children who care for their aging parents would be codependent. And Doctors and Nurses. And social workers.JUST being a caretaker does not make you co-dependent.THE key from my understanding to truly being Co-dependent is that you NEED the person to NEED you. YOU WANT them to stay "sick". IF as a caretaker I work to make my child independent, capable of standing on their own two feet and making their own way in the world, I am not co-dependent. I am a parent. IF as a parent, I set my child up to ALWAYS be needy and need my help, and need me to function, then not only am I doing my child a disservice but I'm probably co-dependent.Co-dependents need to be needed. To that end they will "help" their "sick" partner but only to the level that it keeps them functional enough for the co-dependent relationship. The best (in terms of having to understand what it means)example of co-dependency occurred with my former in laws. He had PTSD from world war 2. (then called "shell shock") and she was an agoraphobic schizophrenic that would not be medicated. When she was medicated she was clear and rational and clearly beyond the abilities of her husband. He was afraid she would not stay if she was mentally well and therefore he did not push her to be mentally healthy. So over the years, they developed the dance of co-dependency...She would stay home in the house and rant at the tv waiting for him to come home.He would do all the outside things like shopping and errands but then he would gladly return to her at home.When we would ask him about her and why she wasn't getting treatment his comment was "my wife's not feeling too well today... tomorrow will be better". He REFUSED to push her past her comfort zone and seek treatment. Finally her health necessitated her being put in a nursing facility. This was where for the first time I saw her rational and medicated. And he stopped visiting her. He could not bear the pain of her not needing him to care for her any more She didn't need him any more and he was lost. They each died apart from each other, her first and him later less than a year apart.It always made me sad to think that had he pushed her to be the best she could have been, they might have not had such a sad ending.There is care and give and take in every relationship. And all of us now and again get a little dependent on our partner. I was when I was recovering from surgery.. But my partner not being co-dependent pushed me to get healthy as fast as I could. Had we been truly co-dependent we would have gotten caught in a cycle of him taking care of me and my trying to maintain a level of "illness" so that he could do so.Codependency arose from the relationships that alcoholics and addicts have with their partners who continue to put up with it. Many of them are enablers that permit their partner to continue with their addictions by making excuses for them or covering up for them. That is co-dependent behavior. Letting them fall on their faces hurts but it's what's best for them.Setting up coping skills for a partner who has ADHD and letting them roll with those skills/lists/reminders is NOT co-dependency... DOING those things for them is. My husband leaves me notes.... to remind me to do things. I value them. I don't think it codependent because I would forget to do that thing. I set up notes and reminders for myself. Is that a bad thing? Why is his setting up the notes and reminders for me co-dependency but my doing it is coping skills?Again we look at the reason for doing it.... is his reason to do it to keep me dependent on him or to make his live and mine go easier? Is he doing things that keep me mired in my disability or is he doing things to help me cope with day to day living...Now if he DID these things for me... and said "my wife needs help so I do it" and i'm happily going along for the ride "I need my husband he does all these things I'm not capable of" that's CO-Dependent...but to help me to find better coping skills so I can function as part of our team... that's NOT what being co-dependent is about.IF he drinks too much and his head hurts the next morning.. I will say "the Aleve is in the medicine cabinet" if he asks me to get it for him I will. BUT I will not get it and take it to him and say "here take this you will feel better"It's a fine line between working as a team where one or both partners needs a bit more help than average and being co-dependent.I think that folks need to remember that co-dependency stems totally from Al-Anon and the needs of spouses of addicts learning to take care of themselves and not be care-takers for adults that are self-harming.
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