A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Story: We have being dating for just 3 years. We are both each other's first gf and bf. I am 28. She's 27. We are both Asians.I went to my gf's place to pick her and her sister up to attend their parents' event about 1.5 hrs away. They wanted to go to the bank first then for Starbucks coffee. I dropped them off at the bank, and they both withdrew some money while I waited in the car since parking at the spot is bad.We then stopped by Starbucks, and I parked the car, and they walked a few feet to Starbucks for about 4 minutes. My gf came back mad that I chose to wait in the car instead of walking into the store with her saying that parking is free on Sunday. I just told her it's quicker for everyone if I just keep the engine and heater running. I wasn't even asking for any coffee, and I certainly didn't ask to go to Starbucks in the first place.We got back to her place, and she essentially told me she wanted me to go with her every time even though this is the first time that I didn't go with her out of hundreds of times that I did go with her. And I have to listen to her because that's what she wants, according to her sister. I told her that every time we go grocery shopping or anywhere before, I would always went with her instead of waiting in the car. Apparently, those good times didn't seem to count except for this one time. She got even more mad when I refuse to apologize and said that they don't think about the guys (i.e. me and the sister's ex-bf).Their younger brother came by to join us, and while sitting in the brother's van, my gf said that "we think differently" and she thinks that it's best that we break up. She has a tendency to threaten to break-up or asking me if we should break-up when we get into an argument. This is probably the fifth times she has done so, and I backed down in all of those cases. I am tired of hearing those words now, and so I shutdown whenever she makes that threat. But I then asked her if that's how she deals with argument and to break-up anytime we get into an argument. She didn't reply.We sat for about 1.5 hrs without talking. We got to her parents place, and the guests came. I drank a few shots with them, and got a little bit too much for my tolerance. I was getting nausea after a few minutes, so toward the end of the event, I went in to rest on the sofa. Before we left, my gf came over asking me if I "listen or not" to her in a condescending tone. It was her way of showing her dominance, and I felt very disrespected the way she spoke. I felt she treated me like a 5-year-old child. I didn't respond.We left shortly with the sister driving. We got to my gf's place, and I helped to bring in a heavy item. I then left without giving my gf a hug or a kiss like I usually do. She said bye. I said bye. My gf knows that I have very bad tolerance to alcohol, so I felt so disappointed that she didn't ask if I was okay to drive or if I need a ride home. I was still feeling nausea at that time, but my driving was fine. Maybe she assumed that I was fine after 1.5 hrs of driving. I got home and quickly went to bed. She never called or text to check if I got home safely. It seems whenever she gets mad, she becomes someone totally different and uncaring and more importantly that she can never be wrong. It was as if she didn't care at all for my well-being because of a 4-minute stop at Starbucks.I am sure she will ask to break-up, and for once, I am considering giving what she wants. I don't know if I can continue with this threat of break-up unless I apologize or admit that I was wrong. It feels so wrong.What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): So after all your complaining about your wretched girlfriend (and she truly is wretched), what are you going to do? Are you going to take the Aunts' and Uncles' advice?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): I am a chinese immigrant to the U.S., I've been here over 20 years, and my husband is white american, but most of my family is still back home. Let me tell you, your gf's behavior and attitude has NOTHING to do being asian. It has everything to do with her just being an emotionally abusive person. Abusers can be found in all countries, nationalities, races, ethnicities. This has zero to do with being asian or whatnot. The only thing that changes is the details of how she behaves as a jerk.
You cannot reason with an emotionally abusive person. She doesn't care about anyone except herself. You cannot ask for them to be nicer to you or treat you better. They are just incapable of seeing you as anything other than an objective for them to use to get what they want.
You are a nice guy, but you're a wimp. I'm sorry for being blunt but I don't know how else to put it to get through to you. You don't seem to understand that she's not the only one who has a problem, you are also part of the problem because you accept the role she has given you to be her servant and punching bag. For all your talk of how you hate the way she treats you, you still run around trying to appease her, trying to reason with her, all of which has never worked yet you haven't changed your game. You don't do anything different and thus neither does she. It seems you are too afraid to rock the boat with her by calling her out on her b.s., getting her upset (like she's never upset no matter what you do anyway), or risking her dumping you if you won't let her control and mistreat you. Instead you prefer to continue walking on eggshells and tip toeing around her rather than removing yourself from her permanently.
you can't change another person. Stop trying to change her. The only person you can change is yourself. Stop being a wimp, and stop trying to change this woman into a normal person because she isn't, and leave her already. there are so many normal women out there who dont' do half the crap she does, why do you give them up for this? Do you enjoy making yourself miserable?
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (31 July 2013):
 She sounds extremely entitled. I'm not even going to go into the individual reasons why I think you should break up with her, I think you should just reread your own post (original and followup) and you'll see it clearly for yourself. Like you say, you're never going to be able to relax around her. Go and be happy and hopefully you'll eventually meet someone who deserves your love.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (31 July 2013):
 She'll never be happy. You know what you have to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for the feedback. We talked for about an hour. I started the conversation. I am sorry for the very, very long update, but please help.QUICK BACKGROUND: We are both Asian-American, so our up bring culture might be different from Americans. I live with my family, and she lives with her sister 1.5 hours away from her parents. She lives 10 minutes away from me and my family.1) I told her how I felt when she got upset because I didn't go with her to get the coffee. She said that it was a small thing that she wanted me to do to show that I care to be with her. She felt upset because I couldn't do that one small thing that she wanted.2) I told her that "listen or we should break-up" is manipulative, blackmail, and a threat that causes me to shutdown and become defensive. She simply responded that she was super mad that I couldn't do such "a small" thing for her. Because of that, she wondered what's my commitment if she had "a big" thing. She didn't seem to acknowledge how I felt. Didn't say sorry. Didn't say I try to fix it. She simply said that was how she really felt at that moment. She momentarily wondered that maybe she should have not said that, but she never said sorry.3) She then brought up a few things besides that day she kept bottled up. She started to cry. She said that I sometimes seem distracted with my cell phone. She recalled we went to look at earrings about two weeks ago, and I wasn't giving her the attention that she wanted. She was looking at a tray of earrings. I was using the internet. She asked question if it looks pretty. I said yes, and pointed to others as well. I then returned back to my internet while she keeps looking at the tray. I even spent some time looking for pretty ones. She didn't seem annoyed at all that day, and I spent maybe 70/30 with her and the phone. She never gave such indication that she was annoyed. We left without buying anything, got Starbucks coffee, and I drove her to work (her sister borrowed the car). All was happy, at least I thought.She remembers, and this event annoyed her. Likewise, she uses the phone while we eat to check her drama shows, text, and do Facebook. And while I am at her place, she usually watches drama and chat on Facebook, and I would be browsing the web on the phone, and we talk. I have to admit, we spend time on the phone more often than we should with me a bit more than her. I said that I didn't realize how she felt and that I will reduce my internet use while being with her. I then suggested that we (the both us) should reduce our phone use while we are together. She didn't respond or agree to my suggestion. She never told me how she felt until today. She said that she's tired of the relationship because she thinks that I don't love her as much. She doesn't feel as much love for me any more. I asked her why she kept all these feelings bottled up to explode one day. She didn't have an answer even though she told me when we first started dating that she likes to be direct and get her feelings or dissatisfaction out right away. I asked her what happened to that. She didn't have an answer. So I am confused why these "bad things that I didn't know of" suddenly arise today.4) She then reminded me of two events that I forgot to bring gifts. She is crying even more now. Chinese New Year back in February, five months ago. She remembers. She said that I didn't give any gifts (traditional new year food) to her parents to wish wellness. I have really bad memory, so I don't remember if I did or not, or if she visited my parents. She knows this. Second event is actually on the same day as Starbucks incident. We were to go to her parents' place to celebrate her grandparents death. I did not bring a small gift (food for blessing) like other guests did. She said that I was family, and I couldn't even remember to bring gifts that day. I said sorry and explained to her that I have really bad memories and sometimes fail to make connections with events. She said that if I truly care or want, then I would remember. I told her it's just who I am. It's not that I didn't want to, it's just that it never "clicked" in my mind to those things. I asked her why she didn't remind me instead of just keeping inside. She responded that it's not genuine for her to remind me every time, and she refuses to remind me from now on. She thinks that if I truly want to, then I will remember. After 3 years, she doesn't seem to understand that my memory is very bad especially with location, direction, and events, although I have never forgotten her birthdays and our anniversaries. I truly feel that I am setup for failure. Sooner or later, I will forget to bring blessing gifts, and she will resent me again.5) Before driving her home, she said she was done talking. She asked if I am done. I said to give me a few minutes. She then proceeded to use the phone to check the Internet. She stopped crying by now. I asked her why she's using her phone, and she said that because I am not saying anything yet. She did put the phone down once I started talking, but it seems hypocritical to do that while tearing me up for not paying attention to her. It seemed intentional even, as a way to punish me, or maybe I am thinking too much. I didn't think of this counterpoint until now.6) While driving her home, she said that I don't seem to treat her parents like family. She asked me if I would pay for my mom's grocery. I said yes. She mentioned that many times we and her parents went to grocery shopping or Costco, I would keep my stuffs separate from her parents' stuffs. I am 99% of the time the driver taking them to these places. Each roundtrip to her parents' place costs me about $20 in gas that I never asked or mentioned, something that they never considered.She said that I just didn't want to pay for her parents stuffs even thought it was just a box of blueberries. She is correct, but I also never expect her to pay for my parents' stuffs no matter what the cost is, so we disagree on this thinking and ideals. Most of the time, though, it's a lot more expensive than a box blueberries easily $50 or more. My bill every month is at least $1200 mostly on food and gas when we go out to eat. She thinks that my attempt to keep my stuffs separate means that I don't treat her parents as family. She said that she would pay for my mom's grocery, but she never did once in the 3 years we have been dating (because she doesn't see my parents often like 3-4 times a year).I explained to her it's rude of me to consider her parents as my parents right now (thinking in my head, since we don't live together and not even married). She asked if that's how I think. I responded yes. She said that she will treat my parents the same way that I treat her parents and "worst" in her words. She added the word "worst". My girlfriend has this vengeful personality where she thinks if someone did wrong to her, she will treat that person 10x worst. I lost words when she said "and worst." She then told me that my parents never offered congratulations for her graduation even though she visits them maybe 3 times a year and she never told them the date that she graduates. She didn't invite them either to attend her graduation. I wasn't quick-witted enough to think of these counterpoints until now, so it seems hypocritical to say that she thinks my parents like family. For me, I go to her parents' place with her almost every Sunday. My parents love her though, always happy to see her, always talkative to her, and ask her to stop by anytime, but she used to be always busy with school. But now she works full time, and she is still busy.7) We never really brought closure before I left. She had stopped crying and became cold when I dropped her off. She refused to let me give her a kiss on her lips for good night. She avoided my attempt. ...BRIEF SUMMARY and CONCLUSION...8) I feel as if every time we get into an argument or disagreement, she will have a ton of the "bad things" that I did to her (stuffs that I don't know about). She would cry telling me all these things, and if I apologize and fix, then she's happy the next day like nothing happened. I don't know if tomorrow will be like nothing happened, but right now I feel as though ending this relationship is better for the both of us. It scares me to death of my life with her constantly second guessing my memories (or rather my lack of memories of events) vs. her insane ability to remember. It scares me that what see says contradicts to what she does. She said that she treats my parents like family, but yet she never invited them to her graduation. She didn't even tell them her graduation date. My parents learned of her graduation date when I told them on that date I will be going to her graduation. I didn't think of this counterpoint until now. I am slow at recalling events.9) How we see FAMILY is very different. She thinks that I should treat her FAMILY as if my own. I should treat her parents like my parents as if I am their son. Her words seem contradictory to her action since she doesn't visit my parents much at all even though her place is about 10 minutes away from my parents' place. School or work is usually her excuses. And my biggest fear is her retaliation, saying that since I don't treat her parents as family, then she won't treat my parents as family and worst. It just feels so wrong and so hateful to me.One thing that I notice from our conversation was that she never apologized or even felt sorry for anything that I said. Who does she want me to be? I don't think I can live up to her ideals of love, commitment, and family, at least as a boyfriend. At least not without sacrificing what my ideas of love, commitment, and family, and my own happiness. I feel as if I am living just for her wants and unrealistic ideals.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): your gf is immature, selfish, and entitled. she thinks the whole world revolves around her."She has a tendency to threaten to break-up or asking me if we should break-up when we get into an argument."So she is also manipulative and passive-aggressive. You need to break up with her. Or better yet, wait until she threatens a break up again, and then just say "OK" and walk out and let that be the END of it for good. You see, by now she has threatened to break up many times, and obviously hasn't left you which means you caved in to her demands. You have thus taught her that she was right to use those threats to get what she wanted because it worked. Therefore, next time she doesn't get her way, she will default to this since it worked the last time and the previous time. And each time it works, she increases her power over you, and loses more respect for you. And I bet you also lose respect for yourself. my friend has a selfish and demanding wife who bosses him around and uses him as a chauffeur, secretary and maid, just like your gf does to you. He is so depressed and angry at the world. You have to teach people how to treat you, by standing up for yourself and setting boundaries. If they would rather cut off the relationship than respect your boundaries, then the relationship is truly better off ended.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (29 July 2013):
Dear OP,
You remind me of a boy I knew and once felt very sorry for. He was a nice and shy guy and was the boyfriend of one of my friends. She always belittled him, talked behind his back and basically used him as a household slave. In the end, it was HER who dumped him, because she was "so tired" of him. The poor guy never stood up to her and in the end, he got his heart broken on top of that. Don't be that guy.
She's a grown up woman. She can drive a car, walk and talk on her own and she can go and buy coffee by herself. The way she treats you just shows lack of respect. And that she's a drama queen. I mean, who would even start a fight about this?
I am sure a breakup is hard after 3 years. But it seems it's necessary, unless she truly apologizes and is willing to change. Stand up for yourself and do what you need to do in your opinion. If it's a break up, then do that.
You deserve a woman who appreciates your kindness without exploiting it. If she can't be that woman, then leave her immediately.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (29 July 2013):
 bless your heart. i feel bad for you. i'm not gonna lie, i can't believe your girlfriend behaved like that over not walking into starbucks with her. but then again, i can believe it, based on how it sounds like she seems to think you are her property or how others have put it "her own personal pet."
who cares if you don't run inside with her? a reasonable girlfriend would ask if you felt like coming in, seeing as how you didn't even intend to get anything, and if you say no, offer if she could get you anything while she's inside. and then thank you for driving her there. she sounds extremely entitled and bratty. and so does her sister. i don't know if this is a difference in culture, but it says you're american. and culturally here, people aren't obligated to follow their partners around like lost puppies.
you teach people how to treat you by the things you choose to put up with. she has learned that she can threaten you and always get her way with you because you allow it. she's disciplining you like a child. hell, she's even talking to you like one. i say give her what she wants. i guarante you she will learn her lesson quick to knock off this ridiculous and poor behavior. she thinks the threat of her leaving you is enough to scare you into doing exactly what she wants every time. and so far, she's right - it HAS. she's behaving like a bully. so stop allowing it. break up with her. let her have what she wants. tell her you would rather be single than be treated like this. i guarantee you she will panic and beg you back. and she'll learn she can't treat you like that again.
stand up for yourelf. good luck.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 July 2013):
If it's bad now, it'll only get worse with time. Do yourself a favor and break your chains and make an escape. Find someone without all the control issues.
Trust me on this one!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@HoneypieI have been working for the last four years since I met her (dating for 3 years). She is finally done with graduate school and got a very well paid career. She floats as a new hire so her start work schedule can be anywhere from 7 am to 1 pm and sometimes long distance up to 100 miles from her place. For those days, she gets to stay at hotels. She also works every-other weekends.Our time together is noticeably less since she started working. Sometimes I feel as if I am just her chauffeur getting her stuffs when she wants it. More recently, on one weekend when she is at work, she text and asked me if I am busy. I am usually at home relaxing due to the long workweek, so I'm usually not "busy". She then told me to get her lunch that's about 20 minutes away and another 20 minutes back. She did this without asking how is my morning or phrase it as a question. It was "get me this." not "can you get me this?"And just this Saturday, she text me to let her know when I wake up. Again, no good morning. No how are you. No did you eat breakfast yet (I haven't eaten anything). It was down to business. She told me (not ask) to pick up her sister because her sister cooked soup for her (the sister doesn't have a car). There was a second motive, besides the soup, that they didn't tell me, but I already knew. The sister just wanted to borrow my gf's car while she's at work using me as the driver.These past two events made me feel very uncomfortable with the direction of our relationship. I am not sure how I feel with our relationship right now. Let's just say that I see many of my friends are getting married, but I have doubts right now with us.I will talk about her "tantrums" and demands later. I don't think she and her sister have anyone telling them their attitudes toward their boyfriends. And frankly, the sister is even MORE demanding. It's no wonder that her ex-bf left to work in another state and never came back. It was suppose to be a "one year" that became indefinite.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 July 2013):
 i also totally agree with Aunty Bim-Bim. You do not need to be stuck to her side 24/7 and waiting in the car while she runs into starbucks is fine.
My husband not only waits in the car for me I pick up a drink for him.
goodness... break up with her and don't look back...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 July 2013):
 It seems like she has decided HOW she wants you to behave without asking YOU if that suits you. She wants you to follow her around? Seriously? And if you do no comply to her "demands" she wants to break up?
I have to ask part from these "tantrums" how is the relationship? Are you happy? Have you sat her down and talk to her about this?
IF you are NOT happy as it stands, then maybe it's time to end it.
Also I can't believe she let you drive home after she knew you had been drinking....
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (29 July 2013):
I agree with Aunty BimBim. Your girlfriend sounds unbelievably immature, demanding and unreasonable. She treats you like rubbish and sulks when she doesn't get her way (i.e. when you don't allow her to walk all over you). You need to get rid.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2013): yes, give her what she wants: break up with her.
You deserve better, she is inconsiderate, selfish, childish, and doesn't show through actions she cares at all.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (29 July 2013):
Your girlfriend sounds very childish. You could do so much better.
It's time to end this relationship and then you can be free to meet a nice person!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (29 July 2013):
 Seriously? Don't wait for her to ask to break up, tell her you are breaking up, tell her you are not a lap dog, tell her if you don't want to accompany her like pet lamb following her everywhere she goes, and that you just ain't a gonna do it. Tell her if she wants a pet to follow her around to go to the pet store. And then block her number, block her email, block her on social networking sites, block her sorry ass and shut the door on this woeful relationship.
Surely you deserve better than this?
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