A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:ive liked the same person for quite a while now and sometimes my feelings towards him go away then they come back again , I wish I didn't have feelings for him but you cant help it , we got along really well at first then due to the way I acted it pushed him away , I got very clingy and sent way too may messages and calls so it caused him to feel uncomfortable and freaked out which I can understand and have learnt not to do this again however he was at times extremely nasty to me and multiple things happened between us .just recently we have made amends and im really happy about this it has made me feel so much better because now I can think too myself if I see him I can smile at him and say hi and we have acknowledged each other and he appears to be fine with me now.it still hurts knowing he doesn't feel anything for me and its really hard as I haven't liked anyone since and I don't fall for people really , ive only liked two people . another issue is that my friend works with him and they've been working with each other for a year , they are friends and it is hard knowing my friend has a friendship with someone I have feelings for I feel a sense of jealousy and upsets me at times but there's nothing I can do about it . my friend knew what had happened between us and how sad I felt seeing him but ive realised the difference between us is that she will move on from the past , to her the past is the past , but to me I find it hard to move on especially having feelings for someone still and knowing how much he upset me . to me she appears to be stronger person emotionally . ive also realised she has a different perspective and I will admit perhaps a more healthier one she aims to forgive people and acknowledges that people say horrible things and people change and has said there's no point living in the past, where I do think I can hold grudges against people and remember nearly every hurtful comment someone has said and bring up the past too much . a part of me feels betrayed that they talk and are friends but then I think why shouldn't they ? nothing has gone on between them like they've had no issues and I often think ill only dislike someone if they have done something that has hurt me personally as opposed to a friend , for instance if someone had hurt my friend it wouldn't stop me from wanting to be civil with them or talking to them ( depending on what they've done ) as they haven't done anything to me however I would probably mention if they've hurt my friend but either way I wouldn't dislike them( again depending on what they've done ) as I like most people and im happy around anyone and prefer to like people rather then having enemies . I guess im just looking for ways to deal with the fact she has a work friendship with him and they get along and theres nothing I can do about it as I just have to accept it . I t just makes it harder as I want to move on so badly .do you think its right that I should feel upset or do I need to move on from the past , how can I do this ?I also want to message him just to say im glad we've made amends, and apologies as he did say sorry to me and its made me feel better as sometimes I just happy knowing ive sent someone a message and I will feel there has been so much more closure , what should I say ?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 November 2019):
 No, please, don't say anything ; don't message him. Unless you want him to think you are a deranged bunny boiler ? You need no closure- it IS closed. And anyway you can give yourself your own closure , if you DECIDE- enough is enough, from today on I am going to leave all this unnecessary drama behind me ; which does not mean that maybe occasionally I won't think of what has happened or what went wrong etc.... but it means that I will do anything I can to NOT indulge in silly, pointless stirring up of past dramas , and this includes NOT messaging this guy unless it is work -related of course.
Some people, as you have noticed, are more resilient than others , when faced with disappointments and setbacks, some people are good at moving on and some others are not that good- but that's no excuse for the not that good people to stay stuck in the past and carry on a lifetime of " woe is me " about episode which, in the grander scheme of things, are not that relevant . At least try !, so, for instance , do NOT contact him even you'd feel happier you knowing you have sent a message .
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (14 November 2019):
 OP, you have to let go and move on. Your texting this guy too much is what got you in trouble. Do NOT text him anymore. He's already been weirded out by your actions. Admit defeat accept it and let things go. Its hard when you care about someone and they dont return the feelings but it happens to all of us at some point. Focus on yourself and the future. If you are so busy trying to deal with him how can you be ready and willing to meet the next guy who could be what you want and need?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2019): Wasn't it messaging that got you in trouble in the first place?
You dwell on things too long. You don't know how to let things come to conclusion, rest, or take a pause. You simply expand on them until they drive you nuts. You seem to overthink until small matters start to become a serious issue; when all you had to do is drop it.
No notes or messages are required. He has put the matter to rest; so let it be. He is not romantically-interested in you; and you're too old to be entertaining teenage-crushes on people. Persisting to hold-on long after he has moved-on; and yet you're behaving as if you have an ongoing-relationship. The infatuation has to stop! It's unhealthy!
My advice is to discontinue contact altogether. You can't move past this; and he's gone from a crush to an obsession. You're creating fantasies and thoughts about him that are of no consequence or importance. The thoughts seem to have a negative-effect on you. You become unsettled and anxious.
Accept his apology, and lose his number. Learn to move on, and use self-control. Giving-in to childish-impulses and fantasy is going to make maintaining relationships very difficult for you. As previously suggested, maybe some counseling and therapy might do you good!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 November 2019):
 OP, DO NOT TEXT him.
YOU already have "closure" as in he apologized and you two made amends, the DRAMA it over.
He knows you are glad it got sorted out, because you smile and greet him when you run into him. NO NEED to text him and TELL him that.
As much as you seem to obsess over this, my guess is you hope if you text you can get a conversation going and thus keep texting him. THAT will only lead you back to where you where when you two fell out because you texted too much and got ahead of yourself emotionally.
You want to hold SOMEONE accountable for the rejection. That one you really should be looking at, IS YOU. You can't BLAME your friend OR him for YOU developing a crush on him!
YOU need to ACCEPT that he just doesn't see you in the same way. THAT happens. NOT everyone YOU will like, likes you back and not everyone who likes YOU, will be to YOUR taste either. That is REALITY.
Just as people will not ALWAYS agree with you or do what YOU think they should do, think what you think or feel what you feel. Again, that is REALITY.
Quit with the drama, OP.
Instead of focusing on THEM focus on you. WHAT is your passion? Do you have a hobby? If so, find a group of like-minded people who enjoy the same hobby. Bring a little more JOY in your life, not High school drama.
Lastly, crushes go away, eventually. Regardless of whether your friend is friends with him or not.
TRY and keep romance out of your work place. It's just EASIER to have a healthy work environment and keeping drama and awkwardness out of the workplace.
You can do it.
And ONE guy not liking you back, I GET that it sucks because you like him, but it happens. There are PLENTY of other guys out there who MIGHT like you and that YOU will like back in return.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (14 November 2019):
Sending a text won’t give you closure. The fact that apologies have been offered and you have made your peace should have given you that closure if you were really ready for it. If it hasn’t, another text isn’t going to do that.
The problem here is that you have feelings for someone that aren’t reciprocated. We’ve all been there! Unfortunately, if you can’t deal with it, the only thing you can do for your sanity is walk away from this person.
Your friend works with him. All they have is a work relationship and they get on well. It’s your obsession that builds it into something so much bigger. A chat at work stings like they went on a date. A few messages between them feels like an out and out betrayal. The truth is that they probably aren’t even half as close as you think, but everything gets blown up in your mind. It will continue to do that as long as you cling to hope.
It’s hard not to do that, and it’s even harder to walk away. But it doesn’t sound like you have a lot of choice, because you can’t go on like this, stuck in a limbo hoping for something that’s not going to happen. The constant highs and lows in this situation become exhausting: you exchange some nice texts and you feel on top of the world. Maybe it’s all going to turn out wonderfully after all. In the next breath they’re telling you about their latest crush or dating exploits and you’re back to feeling even more miserable than you did before. Only letting go will end that cycle and allow you to move on. So it’s time for some self-mastery of your feelings I’m afraid. As Youcannotbeserious wisely points out, simply having feelings doesn’t mean they must be acted upon.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2019): DO NOT TEXT HIM. the situation is sorted and texting will only make you look needy again. If he's not interested you don't want him thinking you have any lingering feelings, even though you do.
As for the friendship I thibk the only thing that will help that is time. You will eventually get over him but until then unfortunately you just have to live with your uncomfortable feelings.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 November 2019):
 Short answer to a very long post: you need to stop obsessing about this guy. He has made it quite plain he is not interested in getting involved with you. We cannot have everything we fancy in this life. Sometimes we have to just admire from a distance.
Whether you have a "right" to feel as you do is a bit of a nonsense question really because, as you said in your first paragraph, you can't HELP the way you feel. What you do need to realize is that you can feel things without acting on them.
And NO NO NO, do NOT message this guy again.
I wonder if you could look into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? This could teach you mechanisms for steering your thoughts away from your obsessive thoughts.
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