A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am helplessly in love with a married woman. We were good friends for a long time and then, during the breakdown of my long-term relationship, I turned to her for support. There was no affair, but I was overly attentive, and she lapped it up. We used to meet regularly and in secret, and talk about everything and nothing. Despite its inevitable end, I was loyal to my relationship and did not make my feelings for the other person known, or at least I didn’t say anything. I was never sure what the situation was to her. She did make some odd remarks, but she is generally flirtatious by nature.When my relationship did end, I took it badly. I wanted out, but in the weeks that followed I started to doubt it, and it was clear to my married friend that I was questioning it. I also made a few comments to her about how I wouldn’t ever want to be a disrupter in another marriage, and how I would never get involved with a woman with children (she has two). Nothing had ever really been acknowledged between us and the comments were general and not directed at her, though I knew that it applied to her and she may take it as such. From that point on she started to pull back. We met a lot less frequently, and with a very different tone. It was a lot more general than personal. A month or so later we had a disagreement – nothing major, but enough to make her cut me adrift completely.In the months that followed that, I reached out to her occasionally and got little or no response. I took a few opportunities to say I regretted what had happened in that one disagreement and that I hoped there was no permanent damage. She told me that there was nothing wrong and that she was just busy and that I shouldn’t worry about it. A month or so passed and I bumped into her; I asked her whether she was indeed ignoring me, to which she aggressively replied that I had been rude to her and there was only so much she could take. A complete contrast to what she has said previously. I struggled to reconcile this with what had actually happened. I asked for the opportunity to discuss it properly and she reluctantly agreed, but several weeks later.When we met up she said there was a line and I had crossed it, and that was the end of it as far as she was concerned. She was quite vague about what she meant. I asked whether she would ever view it differently, and she said she would, but ‘eventually.’ I said I felt enough time had passed given that it was a fairly minor thing. Her tone changed and she agreed and said it was all OK and that we could just put it behind us. We chatted for a while about life and parted on, I thought, good terms.Sure enough, immediately afterwards, she became even more hostile. I am at a genuine loss as to why she would react how she has. We were friends for five years before all this. I have always been respectful of her situation. I have never overstepped or tried to lead her into anything sordid. I love this woman, more than I could ever find the words to express. The sight of her fills me with joy and rips my heart out at the same time. I want to make peace with her, I miss her company and I think it’s tragic that things are how they are. I constantly think about her, and how I can make it right, but it’s all so vague that I don’t really know what I’m dealing with, never mind how to fix it. I have dated other women since my breakup, I have constantly reminded myself of why things could never work with her, but she’s everything I’ve ever wanted and I just cannot shake her out of my head. I now wonder if she felt the same, and she’s just punishing me somehow because I didn’t move on her (which I do not regret, under the circumstances). How do I sort this out?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 December 2019):
 If you want friendships, make them with other men or SINGLE women you ARE not romantically interested in.
Whether she did it out of boredom, flattery or as a game you will probably never know, and you don't NEED to know it to accept that AS much as you like her, SHE isn't the one for you.
Let her go and thus SET yourself free.
Block all avenues of contact and delete all numbers and ways you have to contact her, SO you aren't tempted to reach out again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2019): Why not just be honest with her, tell her thay you have fallrn for her. Then maybe she can be honest with you, whatever that involves. It seems like maybe she hoped if her marriage is on the rocks that she might have had a future with you, but the kids comment threw her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2019): Hi
OP here.
I can’t disagree with anything said so far. I do love her, I can’t escape that but I’m under no illusion about how bad it would be even if we ever did get together.
I have unanswered questions about it all but also know I have no right to those answers.
I sometimes wonder if she’s doing it for sport, I hate to think that and I don’t think she’s the sort to do that. I suppose my pride wants to know, and I am genuinely gutted at the loss of a friend. We were very close and I don’t doubt that she was invested as I was once. That alone is a lot to lose.
I need a strategy for dealing with it, I should probably spend my energy on moving on.
Thank you all.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (12 December 2019):
Everything Honeypie said. If things hadn’t gone too far, why were you meeting in secret? If it were all platonic, and she didn’t fear that things would go too far or have concerns that you would ask for something she isn’t willing to give you, why wouldn’t she be open about it?
This woman is everything you want, you say. No, you’ve identified that she isn’t suitable at all: she’s married with kids. What you want is the idealised version of her you have created in your head: the one who will fall spectacularly in love with you too and be as attentive to you as you are to her.
Too bad, that’s a fantasy. You’re obsessing over putting this quarrel right way too much. If you were best friends, I could understand that, but it doesn’t seem to me that she sees the friendship as being anything like as close as you do, even taking any romantic feelings out of the equation.
If your fixation on someone beyond your reach is stopping you dating other women with a genuinely open mind, do yourself a favour and leave her alone. Sometimes friendships dissolve. They break up, just like relationships. It’s hard, but it’s life.
When you love someone you can’t have, you either have to accept the relationship for what it is or walk away. Since you quite clearly can’t accept it, despite knowing you were right never to pursue it, you need to walk away.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 December 2019):
 You "sort" this by acknowledging that she is NOT "everything you ever wanted". She is MARRIED. She has CHILDREN. Both are factors you told her would be deal breakers for you in a relationship.
Maybe she was holding out hope that you two could be more than friends. Maybe she was just shocked that YOU could view her as more than a friend. We cannot know what was going through her mind. Whatever it was though was sufficient for her to decide she needed to back off from you.
You are not giving yourself chance to get over her. And you are certainly not being fair on women you are dating, knowing you still hold a torch for your "friend".
Cut all contact. Stop chasing her. Let her concentrate on her marriage and her children, which is what she should have been doing in the first place. You need to move on from this, give yourself chance to heal and only then start looking around for someone else.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2019):
You are wasting so much energy and emotions into a woman WHO is not interested IN you and who honestly, have NOTHING to give you as far as investment and commitment. Not even as a "friend".
You claim you love her, but you also know that NOTHING can come of it. So are you so enamored with her in order to avoid a REAL relationship?
IF she felt the same about you, she would have had to make a choice, staying married and thus FORGET about you OR end her marriage and pursue you.
She chose the first option. She CHOSE her marriage.
You have been ENTERTAINMENT to her.
She quite frankly doesn't sound like a very good friend.
And as you said you wouldn't intrude on a marriage (yet here you are, so a bit of a double standard) you also said you wouldn't pursue a woman with a kid or kids (yet here you are "loving" a married woman and mother of 2) You said friendship, but you are HOPING that SHE feels the same as you and there could be something here. Meeting up "in secret" means there isn't a TRUE friendship, and you know it.
Do you see how much you contradict yourself?
REALITY is that she "checked herself" and pulled away.
You need to accept that and LEAVE her and her marriage alone. Let her WRECK her marriage on her own, don't be a pawn.
The longer you chase this woman the longer you are preventing YOURSELF from meeting someone who is single, and a good match for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2019): "I was loyal to my relationship"
You can knock that little lie on the head first off. You may not have physically cheated but you sure did cheat on an emotional level. It's not loyalty to go to the woman you have feelings for and bag on your current partner. It's a classic move in fact, 'she doesn't understand me, only you do' blah blah blah.
second of all you have clearly misread this woman's signals and seen what you wanted to see. From what you've said it's quite clear she is not interested in you and when you made comments about not wanting to interfere in a marriage she realised that you thought there was somehting going on between you. So she pulled away. Then you put her on the spot to 'get past it' and act as though it was all fine. She told you what you wanted to hear when you were face to face so you'd stop bothering her.
Leave this person alone. She is not mad that you ddin't make a move on her (quite clearly you implied you wanted her) she's annoyed because you won't stop pestering her when she's made it clear she has no interest.
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