A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I’m an 18-year old lad and facing the majority of Christmas day alone. I’ve honestly never felt so rotten in my entire life. As well as having Aspergers syndrome I’ve always been shy and introverted, and as such I’ve got no friends in life and have never had a girlfriend. I’ve never even gotten a girl’s number before because I’m just too awkward in person and can tell I make people feel uncomfortable. Nobody in any of my classes at college really wants to be around me longer than they have to because of this.My Mum and Dad got divorced earlier this year, which was inevitable really as they’d been miserable together for years. My Dad moved out of the family home and began dating someone else in May and since then his life has revolved around her. I’m lucky if I see him once a month now because he’s so busy with his ‘new life’. Pretty much the same thing has happened with my Mum. In October she began seeing a new man and is like giddy schoolgirl with him. My younger sister is 16 and also has a boyfriend whom she is completely obsessed with. Whenever she’s away from him she’s constantly messaging him on WhatsApp. Her phone is pretty much glued to her hands. It’s hard to stomach being the only person in the family who is single and even doubly hard when it’s Christmas time. I’m not gonna lie I’m ridiculously jealous of all of them. I’ve wanted a girlfriend for so long, probably since I hit puberty but because I find it so difficult to socialise because of my Aspergers I fear it’s never going to happen. If I struggle to form friendships what chance do I have or forming a romantic relationship?On Christmas Day my Dad was supposed to be coming round to spend the morning with us but those plans changed, partly because he didn’t want to be around my Mum longer than he had to but also because he no doubt wanted to spend more time with his new girlfriend and her family, whom he is having Christmas dinner with. We’re now going round to his house to quickly exchange gifts in the morning and that’s about it. My sister is also going to see her boyfriend before dinner and then afterwards is going to stay at his house overnight. I thought I’d at least have my Mum for company but the other week she announced she was going out with her boyfriend to some social gathering with his friends and family and hasn’t stopped talking about it since and trying on dress after dress to wear to it. Yesterday she said she was actually bringing Christmas dinner forward to bang on 12pm (usually we have it at about 2pm). She wouldn’t say why but it’s pretty obvious it’s so she can go out earlier. My sister had no problems with this change either as it means she can disappear to her boyfriends’ earlier as well.So basically I’m gonna be on my own from about 1pm on Christmas Day. It makes me feel like a complete loser in that one by one my family are all pretty much ditching me on the biggest family day of the year. Then again they’re only living their own lives and doing what makes them all happy so part of me feels like I’m just being selfish and wallowing in my own self-pity and social flaws. Should I have a right to feel aggrieved or do I just need to get over it?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 December 2019):
 Now its time for my longer answer. My family too has been busy on Christmases and been doing their own individual things. I've spent several Christmases alone, but on many occasions I found someone to be with. Because I didnt want to be alone. I spent some years with my aunt who was also alone. One year I worked abroad for a charity. Working during the holidays is a good way to spend it, so at least you make some money out of the situation. I've worked almost every Christmas. I only recently began taking Christmas vacation.
You're 18 and you're still living at home, so in many ways you probably still feel like a kid and thus feel abandoned. I moved out of home when I was 16, so I was completely on my own. But by 18 I had a job and was working, and that helps when you want to feel like you have some control over the situation. I imagine in your case, you're still very much dependent on your family like a child, and being left alone like this will feel more devastating. Because you can't exactly up and leave and travel abroad at free will, not unless you have money to do so. You can't exactly decide for yourself who to spend Christmas with as long as you are dependent on your family. So when they leave you, you're pretty much stuck. Which is why this is a shitty thing for them to do. It'd be much different if you have been 25 and living on your own and with a job already. But you're not there yet, you're not independent yet.
One thing I need to remind you, is that most 18-year olds do NOT have a relationship. Really, they don't. It's not an Asperger thing. Its a genereal social awkwardness thing, and the majority of teenagers are fumbling around at this age just like yourself. Dont put your Aspergers up like a defence mechanism. Yes, you have some difficulties. But your brain still works and you are an intelligent person and you can function in society, so you have every opportunity to function in a relationship and have friends too. You just have to give it a slightly different approach and learn how to socialize in a different manner. You will surely make many mistakes, but you will learn. I hate this idea that people with Aspergers should just be "given up" on, because I encounter that so many times. Aspergers alone is never a reason for difficulties in social interaction. What actually seems to happen is that people make it into a problem when there isnt one, and these made up problems cause anxiety and depression, and anxiety and depression are two illnesses that DO limit your ability to both work and socialize. Aspergers in itself doesnt limit you. It just makes you function a bit differently. But hey, we're all different. It's just a label for your kind of different.
So if people are telling you you can't do something because you have Aspergers, I say screw them. I'm diagnosed with Aspergers too, and I was told by the psychologist that I wouldn't be able to work 100% and that I likely had depression and what not. But you know what, there's a lot of assumptions out there and a lot of stigma. Dont buy into it. You know yourself better than they do. If you want to make friends, if you want a girlfriend, then there is no reason wyhy you shouldnt have just as much success at is as anyone else.
But give yourself some slack, you're just 18. By 18, like I said, most people havent figured it out yet. Its normal to not have had a girlfriend yet, its normal to not know how to approach girls and its normal to feel socially awkward. My best dating advice to you is to just be nice to people and be polite. That goes a long way. If you dont know what the rules are, just be polite and smile. It's a fail safe.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2019): Best thing to do would be to make some plans yourself for the afternoon. Could be enjoying a movie at home with a box of chocolates or volunteering or visiting a friend for a few hours or going for a walk or painting or baking... It doesn't matter what but if you make your own plans then it puts you back in control of the situation. Do something you enjoy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2019): You don't always have to be around "special support-groups" with the same problems. There's a common-notion you have to be around people suffering what you're suffering to be understood. Not always! Sometimes they just remind you of what makes you feel set-apart or separated from everybody else.
You want to be recognized and included by everyday ordinary folk, not filed under "Aspergers." You're an intelligent young-man, and you want to noticed like any other human being. You want romance. You never try anything; so you'll miss-out on everything. Be awkward, clumsy; but at least you've tried!
Sometimes you want to forget what's different about you from everybody; and just share what's in-common with everybody else. You just want your family to show you some love and comfort you over the holidays. I do understand you, so don't think I don't! Seek and you shall find it, my friend! You don't have to get-over anything! Have you ever invited your little-sister to go to a movie or hangout with you? She is at that age, where everything centers around a boyfriend. Puppy-love is intense for about six-months. She'll need your shoulder to cry-on by spring! He'll be tired of her by then.
I surely and sincerely wish you the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2019): Do you have grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins? Have you ever considered visiting other people in your extended-family for Christmas? If your family practices faith, there are also activities at your place of worship. All you have to do is blend into the crowd. There will be caroling, social-gatherings, and young-people lonely like you.
When things look bleak, and everybody seems caught-up in their own lives; that's a time to improvise and come-up with your own plans. Get on the phone and find-out what your grands are doing for the holidays. They may appreciate some time with their grandson. Check both sides, paternal and maternal! Tell them you don't want to spend Christmas alone, and you'd be surprised of their responses. If you ignore them, or have some issue about trying to get closer to family...fine, go ahead! Your option is to be alone. Maybe it's time you tried something different. If the mountain won't come to you, you'll have to go to the mountain!
It's not your fault your family is thoughtless and self-centered. If you're not particularly the jovial-type; you can understand why everyone is going to bail on you! The holidays are a time for worship, romance, and celebration. Unfortunately, sadsacks and debbie-downers are avoided during the holiday season! It's not just you, but it's not uncommon for everyone to skirt-around moody-teenagers who focus on nothing but doom and gloom.
You're the first-born and only son; so don't try to convince us you don't get your fair-share of attention. You used to be an only-child, until sis came-along!
They all just want to be happy. They've probably had a rough year, and they've found love! If you've dealt with depression or social-disorder most of your life; people do tire of centering all their attention around those problems. Sorry, but like you, they are only human! Be it for better or worse! You're mostly an adult now; so it's up to you to figure this all out. If we make suggestions, it's also up to you to carry them out; and put our advice and suggestions into motion. I offer you compassion and empathy, but I don't pity you. You're very intelligent and quite articulate; and very observant of everything happening around you. You know how to create pictures with your words; and explain your feelings and perceptions quite well.
While at uni, you are an excellent candidate to join a literary club, consider writing, or take-up acting and theatre. Put your stoic-personality to good-use. You'll connect with an eclectic or artistic group of people; who appreciate uniqueness, and can relate to being different, and somewhat offset from the mainstream.
If immediate-family spent the time with you, would you really make the most of it? Would you just mope about feeling sorry for yourself, or would you most likely be tucked-away in your room ignoring them anyway?
This is where the endless-moodiness and perpetual-sulking of teenagers comes back to bite them in the arse! Not all of this is their fault, you have to own some of it. They probably spend a great deal of their time dealing with you and your Aspergers. You are the oldest-child, you're nearly adult, and you need to learn how to fend for yourself. Now that you know it's every man, woman, and child for themselves! You must develop survival-skills!
Go visit your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. They might cheer you up!
God bless you, and give you comfort, my dear young friend! You should keep journals or diaries, and consider writing. It will give you something to do with your off-time; and you can come-up with ideas to become more sociable and outgoing. Get to know the campus psychologist! They are helpful with navigating your way around as a college-freshman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2019): You are not a loser..your family is a loser.It is all right to be single.The key is to be happy with yourself and your own company.Use this time to do something nice for you.Watch a movie you like...eat foods you like...maybe chocolate.Read a book you love but never had time for.Do something that day it does not matter what all that matters is that it is for you.Do not worry about not having a girlfriend yet.Someday when you least expect it you will meet her.Now just focus on yourself and school.Do good in school then get a great job and life will be good.Someday you will look back on this and think who knew I would come so far in life while you rock your grandchild in your arms.Your time will come.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 December 2019):
Short answer for now: your family sucks. I would have been upset too when they are all just so self absorbed. Have you told them directly that you actually dont want to be alone on Christmas day? I think they need to be told directly just so they can realize how selfish they are all being, leaving you alone like that.
Been in the same situation myself. And it sucks to be alone on Christmas.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (18 December 2019):
 You're not a loser. Your feelings are valid. However, being in a relationship before you're 21 is overrated. It does very little long-term, as nice as it may feel at the time.Improve your social skills by focusing on making friends - find something you enjoy doing that an Autism and Asperger's charity organises. Meeting other people like you is a good start. It'll help you improve your social skills, possibly in a less pressured environment.Lots of people don't have their first relationship until they're in their 20s. Being single is not good or bad - it's what you make out of it. Watch some Undateables episodes - it's a show about people with various conditions and disabilities that make dating difficult, but they go on dates like everyone else and so can you. You can watch the show on All 4 (Channel 4's website).Your family are being selfish, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy Christmas afternoon. Find somewhere to volunteer - maybe serving Christmas dinner to homeless people or an Age UK Christmas day centre for lonely elderly people.Once you finish volunteering, you can go to the cinema or, in the next day or so, buy yourself a new computer/Xbox/Playstation game to play on Christmas Day when you're on your own.
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A
female
reader, KeW +, writes (18 December 2019):
 Hi OP,I'm sorry your family are being quite selfish. I have a few points to make:- being single is not a bad thing- never having had a relationship when you're only 18 is very normal and not at all bad (I was 19 when I met my first boyfriend, my brother is 21 and isn't looking for a girlfriend yet)- perhaps look into hobby groups for others who have Aspergers because there are many girls and guys your age in a similar position to you- focus on making friends; a relationship will come in time, but your loneliness is driving your desperation for a relationship- your sister's relationship is probably a childish one that won't last into adulthood because of her age, though it will feel serious to her (don't try to ruin it for her)- leave her to it; having a partner as a teenager doesn't make you any more or less appealing as an adult, nor does it prepare you much for an adult relationship (teen relationships are usually quite pointless, in the bigger scheme of things)- loneliness on Christmas is a very good reason to volunteer; you help people and have people to talk to (joy is infectious)- volunteer for a few hours, then go home to watch your own films and eat some Christmassy snacks (try to make the most of it and try not to put a damper on your family's Christmas, even if they are being inconsiderate)Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 December 2019):
 You are focusing all your attention on ONE DAY of the year. Yes, I get that Christmas day is supposed to be special, but many people treat it like any other day and I think, if you stop viewing it as a day when you SHOULD be with family, you will find it easier to get through. My partner and I refuse to get drawn into all the commercialism which surrounds the day and carry on as normal. Our "tradition" is to have a takeaway curry for tea on Christmas day. No pressure, no hassle.
Why not spend the time you are alone on the day surfing the internet for any AS support groups? Make it a goal for the coming year to connect with a group (or groups) to help you meet people.
What would you normally do on a day when your mum and sister are not around? What would you LIKE to do when they are not around? Have something nice planned for the day and it will be easier.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 December 2019):
 It does sounds rather lonely for you. And I'm sorry that NEITHER o your parents are thinking about you, before their own wants, but that is ALSO part of growing up and being an adult.
As for you not having a GF, well that doesn't make you a loser, it makes you single. Perhaps consider finding ways to work on your social skills?
If you really DO NOT want to be alone on Christmas, have you considered volunteering that day? You certainly won't be alone then.
There is a saying, " Resentment is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die." You being jealous of your mom, dad and sister WON'T make YOU feel better or YOUR life better, it will only emphasis your self-pity.
Work on yourself in the areas you know you could improve on. We all should do that. YOU are the one person who can improve YOUR life.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (18 December 2019):
“Should I have a right to feel aggrieved or do I just need to get over it?”
Both I would say. Your family do sound pretty selfish and self-absorbed in my opinion. The fact that they have shown you so little consideration is not a reflection on you but on them. It’s they who deserve to feel rubbish, not you, although it’s probably hard for you to see it that way.
But the reason you need to get over it is because, when people don’t make us happy, the worst thing we can do is wait around for them to start doing so. Feeling aggrieved doesn’t change the situation you face. Christmas is just one day, and honestly it’s one very overrated day. It comes with so many expectations that it brings into sharp focus the state of our lives: it’s the best of days when things are good, and the worst of days when they’re not. But what will you do about the year ahead?
I think you need to invest your energy now in meeting people. Are you connected with groups of people who also have Asperger’s? Of course you shouldn’t just limit yourself to interaction with people who share your condition, but it is a good starting point to form friendships with people who will understand the overwhelming feelings you have about social interaction. I have friends with Asperger’s and so I understand it quite well, but I can never fully appreciate how the world is for them without both of us needing to make an effort to bridge the gap.
If you have time, would you like to work if you don’t already? Or is there a cause you could volunteer for next year? Are there groups centred around a hobby you enjoy or might like to take up? The only way to meet people is to make yourself get out there and do it. You have to put yourself in situations where it will happen.
I have no doubt how hard any of these things will be for you, and I’m not saying that they’ll make next Christmas any better, but don’t focus on Christmas but every other day of the year.
You are not a loser. You have been let down by people who are now losing out on the chance to have your company at Christmas. You are a lost and unhappy young man who doesn’t feel any sense of purpose or place. But you matter very much, and I think that if you can shift your thinking and start thinking about how you will build the life you want for yourself and find the mental strength to do it, you’ll find that happiness and fulfilment. Yes, that will be incredibly difficult and some days it will feel impossible, but when we can’t make a giant leap, we have to cross the distance with small steps.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2019): You're not a loser at all. In fact your family are being really insensitive.
I think you're hung up on being single because you see your aspergers as a huge barrier to being in a relationship (and it can make things difficult but you will find someone) but in reality people are single all the time. It's not a weird thing to be single. And your family should have thought about how they were all leaving you to run off with their respective partners. It's seriously rude. You are not the one with the problem here, they are.
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