A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello auntsIs it a good idea for a couple to stay friends with their respective ex's if the couple is newly in love with each other but still share a friendship that cannot be given up (not sexual feelings but say mutual respect and care with their ex? Or is it expectable for such a friendship to fall apart as the relationship turns intense. To give a background, I was with a really nice person but because things did not work out on practical grounds, we broke up, went back to being friends. He hasn't spoken anything that's over the line or even slightly sexual since the last 2 years. He has that sort of respect for meaningfulness of a relationship. I don't know much about what kind of friendship the current guy i am dating has with his ex. But he mentioned that things didn't work out but they are friends who turn to each other when they have any problems in life. Now I am concerned if this will be healthy for our future, if we keep our exs as friends or should i keep a watch on whether the ex factor fades away as we get closer. We are both not the type who would cheat as we aren't so shallow. I won't get into too much detail about the dimensions of our relationship except that we are a very new couple who are seeing each other from barely a month and aren't yet sexually involved.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2019): Hi all
Op here. Thank you so much for all your insights. I have a better idea of what would be ideal. I think as I had thought earlier, they should be out of our lives mostly. To clarify further, it is sort of an arranged marriage situation. We haven't given the final nod. So I want to see how this goes. I will cut down my contact with the ex as minimal as possible and expect the same from him. If he talks about being in touch with her often, I shall raise the matter with him and decide whether to go ahead at all.
The relationship is not exclusive enough yet. I wanted to plan how I can proceed when it does become exclusive, as I feel it is going to from the looks of it! I'm just trying to be cautious because if it works out we'd be married the next year. Before that I want to make sure things are going in the right direction. I will be carrying all your insights with me during the courtship and judge the situation accordingly. Thank you once again!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2019): When you are trying to establish and solidify a new romance, your exes should be completely out of the way. If you and your new-boyfriend have now committed to each other, and your relationship is exclusive; you may now declare to all your change in relationship-status. Somewhat widening the gap between you and former-lovers; to allow a respectful-distance to show you are serious and how much you honor your new commitment.
Keep in-mind, you are trying to gain the trust and bond with your new-boyfriend. What do you need some ex-bf-turned-friend circling overhead for?
Does he put you before his flavor-of-the-month? Most females won't allow the ex-girlfriend/friend situation. No matter how secure they pretend to be. She'll be checking his underwear, counting his condoms, and spying on his phone!
Moving-forward and starting a new chapter in your love-life requires plenty of room, and a clean slate. Friends should know their place. You create harmony, and things fall into place; when everyone is respectful of the other's feelings, each knows their rights, and everyone fulfills their moral-responsibilities to each other. No hanky-panky, unexplained secretiveness, inside-jokes, or covert meetings. Now that you have a boyfriend, your ex should behave as he would want other guys to behave around his own romantic-relationships. You should too!
We have to learn how to set priorities, consider the feelings of others, and know how to separate things that could create unnecessary conflict.
I don't know how serious you and your new-boyfriend are; but if you are so at odds with your feelings, maybe you aren't entirely sure about this new relationship. The old-one seems to be more of a concern.
Just allow yourself enough distance from your ex to concentrate on the guy you presently want to call your boyfriend. He deserves the biggest chunk of your heart! Don't take what you won't giveback!
If you are trying to carry-on simultaneous-relationships of equal-importance between an ex-lover and a new-boyfriend; you're instigating trouble. While being greedy, entitled, and self-centered. You want the best of both worlds. Keeping an eye on the ex, so as not to let him getaway? While you toy with the affections of another? Maintain balance. The male-ego can be tricky.
I am not advocating you should discontinue your friendship; I suggest you have an understanding that you will need time to concentrate on building trust and durability into your new relationship. The ex should understand that your attention and time will have to shift; and he should respect boundaries and the feelings of your new romantic-partner. Things will workout as long as the two are not forced to compete. He doesn't get to do boyfriend-favors anymore. Someone has now taken that spot.
You gain more understanding and the gravity of the situation; when you're the one dealing with the problem in-reverse. When you come face-to-face with a lovely beauty in your new-boyfriend's past, who decides she'd like to become platonic-friends with her ex. Catch-up on old-times! Sometimes you have to walk a mile in another person's shoes to know how it feels.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 December 2019):
 I think it all depends.
If you are spending a LOT of time with an ex who is now your BEST friend, I think that can take a toll on a brand new relationships.
If you talk occasionally and DO NOT share "relationship woes" (as in talk to your ex when your new partner messes up or ask advice from the ex about the new relationship), I think it CAN be OK.
I think you have to look at it this way, HOW would you feel if your new partner's BEST friend is his ex?
And I think it can be OK as LONG as you are OPEN about this friendship and if someone you are dating and are SERIOUS about, you introduce them to each other.
It's all about common sense and tact. Really.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2019): If you and your new bf begin an exclusive and sexual relationship, it is only proper to be friendly aquaintences with the ex bf! That means a cordial greeting, when passing in public and sending a Christmas card or a birthday card. No meetings, no visits, no phone call, and no letters! An occasional text or e mail is Ok, but just a very few times per year, and you never talk about sexual things or any relationship problems, with the ex bf, plus you do not listen to or respond to anything that the ex texts to you, about sex or his relationship troubles! The same must go, for your new bf and his ex gf! You should NEVER go to an ex, for advice or to air out problems! The new bf should be your sounding board, now. If your new bf is the problem, then seek advice from parents, pastor, priest, rabbi, or trusted mature lady relatives! This is how to remain faithful in your new relationship OP! Best wishes for you both!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (18 December 2019):
 I'm friends with my ex and he's been with someone else for about 10 months. We were together for 2.5 years just over 2 years ago. We didn't stop caring about each other and enjoying each other's company just because we weren't romantically compatible any more. His relationship is none of my business and my future relationship won't be his.If a partner is insecure about your friendship, it's fair enough, but it's their issue to deal with because insecurity can pop up over any friendships. That said, you may grow apart like many friends do.As long as your friendship doesn't hide anything from your respective partners and doesn't interfere, then it *should* be fine. Some guys won't be happy with it, so you're not compatible with them. Other's won't care because they trust you. Just don't vent about your current relationship with a friend who's an ex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2019): I think it's totally fine to be friends with ex's. If you spend a long time with someone and you know them very well, then just because the nature of your relationship changes, doesn't mean you should throw the whole person away.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (18 December 2019):
I believe that friendships and romantic relationships deserve equality, so I don’t subscribe to the idea that if a relationship transforms from romantic to platonic, it should be forgotten about just because you meet new partners. With that said, it’s worth remembering that in many cases a couple don’t make that shift together, with one holding on to romantic feelings whilst the other does not. The one with the remaining feelings stays in the “friendship” hoping for a change of heart. You need to be honest with yourself about what the real situation is between you and your ex. If this is a genuine friendship, then I would suggest you hang on to it if your partner doesn’t have any issues with it. If he does, you’ll have to make a choice.
Similarly, you need to decide how you feel about his friendship with his ex. But if you genuinely don’t see anything that threatens your new relationship, and it doesn’t make you feel insecure, let them get on with it.
What matters more than any of this is that you both make time to develop your relationship together. Don’t talk to your exes and friends about things instead of talking to each other. Keep the communication between you strong and healthy, and be focussed not on the past but your future together. If your friendships with ex partners fade, then they fade. Friendships are as unpredictable as romantic relationships. You work at them if you care for each other and enrich each other’s lives and let them drift apart if that isn’t the case. But keep them separate from your love life.
I wish you all the very best.
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