A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im not really sure where to start this, other than I posted on here probably about 10 years ago with pretty much the same question.I am in my late twenties, and I have never been on a date, been in a relationship, never kissed anyone or had sex, never even come close to it. Im pretty sure that it is something tondonwith low self-esteem and confidence. When I posted all those years ago, I had no confidence what so ever, but now obviously it has improved as in have gotten older. I would never approach a girl or ask anyone out. Automatically in my mind they would say no, and to me that would feel like the end of the world, but of course it wouldn't be. And even if someone said yes, I don't really know what I would do next lol ?????. And I think I would just feel completely insecure at my age having no experience what so ever. They might think that there is something wrong with me, because admittedly it is quite unusual. Btw, I'm not tooting my own horn, but I'm not at all ugly or horrible, or so I'm told. But again that is something I would find difficult to believeI guess there is some catharsis in me writing this, and I'm not really sure what I'm asking for here. Really, it would be nice to know that I'm not alone in this situation, and that there are others somewhere who have been in a similar situation and overcome it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2019): "I find the straightforward and down-to-earth advice Code Warrior gave is direct, and manly. He is speaking to a man, not a baby, or a boy".
Given that the aunts and uncles frequently criticise original posters on grounds of morality, I don't see why the aunts and uncles themselves cannot be held up to scrutiny at times. I for one am tired of CodeWarrior's entitled stance.
WiseOwlE I think you are advocating the long-standing idea that masculinity and aggression are rightfully / inevitably intertwined and must therefore continue to be accepted. Anyone - and I mean anyone - who refers in a post to "you and your ilk" has a tendency to stereotype individuals according to a pre-conceived idea. Stereotyping is dangerous and this is what Code Warrior tends to do.
The problem with this is it all too easily leads to entitlement, toxic masculinity and dominant approaches such as those demonstrated by world leaders who seem determined to kill our planet by veto-ing policies based on Neo-liberal profit, with those at the bottom, including the planet itself, paying the cost.
What we are dealing with here is a young man who is the opposite of all of those things. Is that really so wrong? Trying to turn him into a version of them won't work and trying to justify those traits purely because they are longstanding is also a mistake.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2019): Everyone has a style and their own unique delivery here on DC. I'm careful not to criticize the style of my fellow uncles or aunts; when it comes to offering advice and opinions. I find the straightforward and down-to-earth advice Code Warrior gave is direct, and manly. He is speaking to a man, not a baby, or a boy. Combine all our styles, and you get a healthy mixture of opinions! Mostly, his style is humorous and blunt; not meant to be offensive, or mean-spirited.
I understand your dilemma. Fear of rejection is crippling, and at some point in life; each and every one of us, regardless of how confident we are, find ourselves in one of those paralyzing moments! When you can't think of what to say or what to do; when we want to make a romantic-connection with someone we find attractive. What if someone interested in us breaks the ice first, and catches us off-guard??? I've been there, and I've done that! Maybe not to the extent that I find myself totally stunned like a deer in headlights! I sometimes welcome taking-on a test of my interactive-skills, or opening-up to unfamiliar-people. I fake-it! Even if my knees are knocking together, and I can feel my hands shaking!
If you want a girlfriend (or boyfriend) you have to be receptive, approachable, relaxed; and you have to project the positive-signals that welcome others into your personal-space. Being goofy all the time works against you. If you never challenge yourself, you'll be a lonely elderly-virgin; until all your hair turns gray, your man-parts go limp, or male-pattern baldness steals your locks! Gravity will start to take hold of your body, before anyone gets a chance to enjoy it; while it's toned and youthful!
The thing is to take-on the challenge however awkward you are. I presume you may have a touch or autism, or Aspergers Syndrome; if interfacing with people (particularly women) is a total challenge for you. There is also the fear of women, gynophobia.
You apparently haven't sought mental-health counseling, or submitted to a psychological-evaluation; in order to determine why you have such a high degree of fear, and "arrested-development." If you have, by now you've spent a lot of money; but you're getting no results. Maybe it's time for a new therapist? Seek psychoanalytic therapy to get deep into your mind.
It's odd the ladies never approach you; unless they find you extremely peculiar, or your behavior is quite off-putting right off the bat. There may be visible-signs of nervousness you display, that makes females weary about getting too close to you. Women are bolder these days! They will check you out to find-out what makes you tic! Lest you run like a scared rabbit if one approaches you?
I also tend to be a little skeptical; because I know there are rascals out there who try to present impossible personal-situations that defy the usual human-experience. A totally outlandish situation; so unique you'd have to search far and wide to find anything even remotely similar to it. Rarely do you find an adult who never has at least one opportunity in a lifetime that someone else takes interest first, and offers an opening, and tries to make a connection...even if only to be a friend. Hence, I will reserve too much skepticism, and try to be open-minded. You ought to know what's off-target about yourself, you're with you 24/7!!! You're holding back something!
You, like everybody else, know what's different about you; but you're challenging us to guess what it is. Perhaps you are a rascal, just having a little fun with us? You're old enough to know that if you don't open-up to the ladies, they'll just ignore you. We can't offer you any potions or magic-words to make you do anything. What good are words of advice, if you don't put the advice into motion?
I've known of people who have reached their 40's, male and female, who have remained virgins. That's not hard to fathom. However, there was always a psychological-factor. Weight issues, body-dysmorphia, post-traumatic stress from childhood-abuse; or just an inability to interact with people, regardless of gender. They had something in-common. They had no friends, rarely socialize, and live the life of a hermit. By their own choosing!
How did I meet people like this? Co-workers, clients, family-members of friends, or I just bumped into them randomly. In my supervisory-capacity on my job, I get to meet and interview a vast variety of personalities. Often people overshare, but I have a gift that just compels strangers to open-up to me. I guess I don't intimidate people and give-off a friendly-vibe, perhaps! I genuinely listen, and I have a strong sense of compassion. I don't gossip or spill the beans. The things I've been told!!!
Like Code Warrior suggests, you reap no reward when you don't take a few risks. You have to learn how to make friends, by developing interactive-skills, to communicate with even people who intimidate you. I don't like all our clients, or some of the other executives on my job; but I know how to develop a rapport with them that promotes mutual-respect and commoradore. It takes practice, you hit a lot of snags, people are two-faced, and some are nasty. You learn how to maneuver by putting yourself out there, and let come what may! I've been rejected countless times! I'm still alive! I've got feelings, and I can be sensitive too! It takes exposure and confrontation to develop immunity to the crippling-effects of rejection. You see someone you like, determine if they're single and available; and use whatever natural-charm you have at your disposal. Clumsy or awkward can also be adorable; but you still have to get your bearings!
Liken it to feeding a flighty-animal or bird from your hand. You approach unassumingly, you relax not to cause them to spook and flee. You allow your body-language and movement to be cautious, but calm. You put-on a pleasant expression; and let nature take its course.
If you're just creepy around women; then maybe you should seek some therapy, and get to the bottom of all this. We can't see you, or have a one-on-one with you; so we can only offer you suggestions. You have to be courageous and daring enough to take a risk. Otherwise, loneliness and isolation is your reward. If you can make a friend, eventually you'll find a friend that is more than attracted to you. Set aside virginity and all that. Learn how to carry-on relaxed conversation, be flirty, and develop charm to put the ladies at-ease in your presence. That's what ignites attraction.
Weirdness? Well, sometimes that's a part of an eclectic and unique-personality that takes getting used to. You still have to be a civilized-adult around others. If your parents never encouraged you to make friends, play with other kids, you were homeschooled, or have an undiagnosed antisocial-disorder. Let me suggest you seek therapy before you take any risks that might cause you more anxiety than gain you new friends. If you work on a job, you have human-exposure everyday! If you keep to yourself, people will avoid you; because creepiness is often the vibe given-off by serial-killers, stalkers, and rapists.
You might need a life-coach who can teach you how to socialize; and get your general act together. Don't distress about it, you're not that old. You don't convey negativity or a mean-spirit. I just find it hard to believe that no female has ever attempted to bring you out of your shell. You can't be scared of girls, and want one at the same-time!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2019): A few thoughts:
I agree, Code Warrior is very harsh here - but I find he is habitually this way in many of his posts, including with one of mine once, so don't take it to heart.
Perhaps some counselling or at least some reflection on why you anticipate being rejected? It seems you are able to reason with yourself about this, but haven't actually reflected on the cause - could this be linked to your experiences with your mother?
I also had something small but significant happen just yesterday and I thought it may help; it was just a new colleague who started at work asked "Do you have time to go to the staff Xmas drinks this evening?" Now, there was something about this that put me at ease - it was because she very subtly emphasised the issue of time, rather than whether I wanted to go or not. By asking if I had time, she made it easy for both of us if I didn't want to go - because I could easily say "oh, I have to get home for...(whatever reason) and then neither of use would feel awkward. This was just a female colleague asking me, a female she'd never really met before, but had chatted briefly with in the meeting prior to the staff drinks. But maybe you could try this approach with a friendly female? ie. rather than say "Would you like to go out for a drink with me?" something like "Do you have time to join in with the quiz night in the bar this evening?" or something similar. That way, the emphasis is just on spending a bit of time doing a joint activity, possibly with others around, rather than effectively saying " do you fancy me enough to want to go out with me, yes or no?" Usually, finding some sort of group activity and then asking if she has time to join in will be a good way to make sure she knows you like her but will take the pressure off both of you - I'd only suggest this for the first couple of times though, otherwise she may think of you just as a friend or be confused about what your motives are.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (10 December 2019):
 You are in your late twenties, still at school and still living at home. living in your dad's home is actually better than living in your mom's home. Even better if you do your own cooking and cleaning. Independence is attractive. I do hope you are working on an advanced degree. A good income is very helpful to independence.
Emotional independence is next. You are worried that you aren't passing certain relationship milestones on schedule. Stop worrying. All that means is that you are different than the average. Not that something is wrong with you. an emotionally independent person forms relationships not to get something or to fit something, but because the relationship is enjoyable to them.
Confidence (instead of bravado) comes from knowing that your happiness is not dependent on the whims of another person. That is emotional independence. How can you get that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2019): Have You tried online dating? Because a virtual rejection is probably easier to take than a face to face one. Maybe that would be a good place to start. But honestly the best way to get a girlfriend is to swallow your pride and approach girls you like with confidence, chat with them and then ask for their number. Some may reject you, but some won't.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (9 December 2019):
I can tell you you’re not alone because my romantic life is just like yours, so this is one of those very rare occasions I can advise with a bit of first-hand experience. I’m 30 by the way.
The one thing you don’t mention in your post is whether you have female friendships or not. I think this is absolutely key. If you don’t, I’d strongly encourage you to make some good female friends without the expectation of romance developing. This will help you feel a lot more confident around women. It will also give you a lot of first-hand guidance, advice and perspective when you’re ready to make a move and some genuine shoulders to cry on if it all goes wrong, which it may well do. I know for sure that there are enough delightful women in my life who would give me no nonsense advice if I needed it.
I thought the tone of Code Warrior’s answer was unduly harsh but bad taste aside, it does contain a very valid point: there is nothing without risk. When you’re thinking of making your move, I bet you imagine a situation where you have a hideously awkward conversation, she reacts badly, runs from the room and it’s all a complete mess. Then you’re left alone distraught and feeling miserable. In reality, a rejection is unlikely to be that awful. Your support network will know what you’re planning to do, and be there for you if it doesn’t work out. You’ll go into this knowing that this girl, whoever she is, isn’t the entirety of the world and after a period of feeling really horrible you’ll emerge a survivor. She will probably be kind to you, and genuinely appreciative of your feelings and your courage in speaking your mind. Maybe you will salvage a friendship or maybe you’ll both go your separate ways, but it will have affected her too, because rejection hurts the person who is pursued as well. And you’ll know you did something that took guts and that this is something to be proud of.
Quick fix? Magic bullet? They don’t exist. What you can’t do is be stuck feeling bad about this but instead take steps to get yourself relationship-ready.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2019): OP here - in answer to a previous question, my home life is good, no complaints there. I live with my dad, mainly because I am at university and can't afford to move out yet. There are a lot of issues there with my mother, granted, but I don't see her quite as much anymore. Otherwise, it's all good.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 December 2019):
 There is no magic fix here, OP
I think you know that. The ONLY way you CAN find a partner, get a kiss, hopefully a loving relationship that involves (among other things) sex... IS by you PUTTING yourself out there, by ACCEPTING that SOME women may reject you but others might not. So if you ask one girl out and get a no, thanks, it doesn't automatically mean that EVERY girl will say no.
It also doesn't mean that YOU are not "good enough", it just means that SHE isn't interested. IT will happen that YOU are interested in someone who doesn't reciprocate and there WILL be a time where someone WILL be interested in you and YOU are nor interested in her.
You are taking a no as a "hit" instead of a "ok this one is not for me, next!".
If you NEVER approaches a girl EVER, HOW are ANY of them to know that you could be interested?
You are beating yourself up for NOT having done a,b,c with a girl (or should I say woman?!) but US women are not mind-readers either. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Do you say hi to strangers? (like a cute girl in your building, the store or where you work) JUST to practice human interactions with women? If no, go for it. Doesn't mean you HAVE to ASK them all out but someone who can say "hi, how are you?" or a "Merry Christmas" to a complete stranger will gain a little confidence when you get a nice reply back, and you will! Maybe not EVERY time but some will appreciate a hello without any ulterior motives.
Then maybe either a no or a yes when you DO decide to ask someone out won't be so scary?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 December 2019):
Tell me about your home life? please. I think we can do better this time.
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