A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm a man in his 60's, married for 25 years and I have had a mistress for 7 years.The problem is my wife and I travel frequently and always have, well before my mistress came into the picture.However it has been a constant source of friction in my relationship with my mistress. She has a very difficult time when I am away. We have had countless heated arguments every time I'm gone. She feels forgotten. Put on a shelf. Her words. She has developed excessive anxiety over this issue. I fear it's too difficult for her to cope and only ask that she acts like a mature adult and just accepts that I travel. She knew the rules from the start.My wife and I are planning to travel to Florida sometime in the new year to visit my aging mother. We would be gone for one month. My mistress is already upset over the possibility and is pleading with me not to go. She can't handle a one month separation. She is asking me to put her first for a change. To think about her feelings for once over everyone else. She feels she always comes last. But this isn't true. She's an incredible woman and I do love her and want her in my life. She makes me happy. I do a lot for her to keep her happy as well.She has clearly stated she will not be able to handle my being away for a month while she is left behind, feeling discarded. I believe she could leave me for good. She has become seriously unravelled on previous trips, accusing me of cheating, not with my wife, but with other women! I have witnessed her anxiety first hand and I do feel terribly for her.What am I to do? I feel stuck.I don't want to lose her but I do have another life and family obligations. I am hoping not for judgment but for constructive answers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2019): Get an extra ticket and bring her along. I think you're a rascal and you made all of this up.
If any of it's true, and your wife has been totally oblivious that her husband has had a mistress for 7 years; she's either in a coma, or incredibly stupid.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2019): OP, you must have been treating your mistress (and wife) pretty well on the whole for both women to remain with you long term. Love is a funny thing. Makes us do all sorts of things we shouldn't do. Your mistress loves you by now. That's why it's so hard for her to leave you. But I suspect she will once you push her too far. Or she will reveal your affair to all. You know what they say? An emotionally invested mistress is dangerous!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 December 2019):
 TBH, I am supicious too,actually I do not believe that you are a male poster genuinely seeking advice for the first time; I am sure that you are our old acquaintance, and frequent poster, the anxious mistress. The one who is often in the quandary this " married male " describes, because she IS the other woman of a married lover who travels often - and every time she freaks out , cries,begs, gets mad, raises hell… yet she stays . Nothing changes . Rinse and repeat at the next trip.
It does not matter , though, in fact I will intentionally suspend disbelief ( like one does at the movies ) and will advise this married male poster as follows , with a specular advice to what I'd give the mistress:
Don't do anything , OP. You know you don't need to. You don't really believe that she could leave you for good- by now ( 7 years ! ) you know that's an empty threat, a pathetic attempt to get your attention and finally spur you to action. But it never works. You also do not feel terribly for her. Aw come on. If you really felt terrible about what she is going through ...you'd stop putting her through it !, nice and simple.
It takes two to tango, OP, I am sure you will agree. I think you know that you are not supposed to be doing what you are doing to your wife and marriage. Then again, if your lover is such a nincompoop that after 7 years of taking s..t from you, she still has not matured the dignity and the savvy to cut you loose, most of the blame should befall on her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2019): I am a mistress and I constantly want more from my lover, but I accept that I can’t and I massively struggle with it but you know what I’ve chosen this life. He’s married he’s not promised me more than this, you can’t treat them both the same unless your in a open relationship. I love my lover very much and it kills me to see my lover having a life without me, it will get to the point I’ll walk away it will be hard and painful but not as painful as him having a life without me and me watching it from afar. Your young lady may and probably should do the same.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 December 2019):
 So is this a consensual open marriage? Does every one know what is going on, except mom? Because that is a whole different question.
The trouble with a secret mistress is that so many of them want the wife experience. Including trips to Florida. You may have even promised her a marriage.
Now you are approaching retirement and there may be an inheritance in Florida. Of course Mistress is worried that you and asexual wife will pack up and leave her. I think she is getting a bit suspicious of you as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2019): I feel sorry for your wife. I assume your mistress knows that you are married, in which case she knows what she is involved in and will need to just accept that she's bottom of the pile.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (9 December 2019):
 Ask your wife what to do. I think she'll give you the answer and your problem will immediately be solved. Its really a no brainer. Or if you want wisdom, ask your mother.
Why are you a male posing as a woman? Just a mistake? Me thinks not.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 December 2019):
What he said. It's pretty amazing how quickly mistress problems sort themselves out when the wife get's involved. There are a few reasons for that.
One, if on the odd chance this is a consensual open marriage, then your wife should already know about the existence of the mistress and it would only be fair that they both get to travel. Now most of your time should be tied up dealing with your mother (the third woman in your life) Your wife and mistress will have to continue to share your remaining attention.
If this is a hidden long term relationship, then letting your wife in on the secret will probably ruin the excitement of getting away with something. It will also give the affair partner notice that they really are second place. You seem to put her there anyway. Then being in possession of all the facts both women can decide how you should fin=t in their lives.
If this question is rather either the wife or the mistress trying to figure out how to pressure the husband / lover into choosing their interest over the other, then it may be time for treaty negotiations. Many married women are more than happy to divorce when they find out their husband has a long term affair. Some mistresses do leave their affair partner when it becomes clear that he will not divorce.
Honestly the best advice I can give you all is that aging mother probably is going to take up most of his attention this trip. There may be meetings with lawyers and doctors. All in all it's not going to be a fun trip for anyone and he might as well save and do it himself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2019): I'm the male who posted the question. I'm a first timer. I'm not female. It was a mistake as my screen froze. Why is everyone so suspicious? That's beside the point. I'm a married male, and I'm still seeking advice. My wife, by the way, is asexual. Also beside the point.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (9 December 2019):
Interesting that you set yourself up as a female but report being male in your post. Not really big on honesty are you?
You say you don’t want judgement but what on earth do you expect? You are cheating on your wife. You seem totally unconcerned about her and only worried for this mistress of yours, who, whilst hardly blameless herself, does sound very emotionally fragile and totally ill-suited to the inevitably poor deal that comes with being the other woman. That includes being put on the shelf and forgotten until you’re ready to pick her off it again.
If you really want a constructive answer, here it is: make a choice! Your wife or your mistress. Don’t string people along because it’s not fair. Don’t kid yourself that you are really feeling bad for your mistress: you’d free her from the emotional toll of being in an elicit affair if you really had her wellbeing in mind and thought that more important than your own desires.
This isn’t complicated. The right course of action is clear, you’ve just got to take it.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2019): Unfortunately if she knew the 'arrangement' at the start of the relationship, then she has to accept second fiddle, because that is what she has allowed herself to be. I guess your wife does not know she has a co pilot.
It's a question of how much longer your mistress can accept second place, however she had choice and picked a deceitful lifestyle alongside you and no doubt made an agreement with you (rules).
It's also a question of how long you are prepared to be deceitful to your wife (unless she knows).
Really the answer here is to go ALONE and see YOUR mother,
take this time to be true to your self and others, if you say she makes you happy and love is there. Then choose to be with her properly and give your wife her freedom to love again. Or stay with your wife and love her and end it with your mistress.
Follow your inner truth (you obviously have some stakes at risk) don't hurt people who love you or you could wind up loosing everything ..because believe me...the truth will come a knocking one fine day. Do the right thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2019): Lol. you want answers but no judgement. THERE ARE NO ANSWERS TO THIS. You can't stop a woman being jealous when she's the other woman. Of ccourse she feels discarded and insecure. You treat her like a toy to play with when it suits you and when it doesn't you go off and live your 'real' life.
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