A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband passed away 8 months ago after a two year battle with lung cancer. Since then, work has been able to distract me from my grief but I have been working from home due to COVID-19. It's harder on me being home all the time, surrounded by his things and pictures of him around the house. Most people say they start feeling normal about 6-8 weeks after the loss of a loved one but I feel like I've just been pretending this whole time. I used to work crazy hours but now I'm just left alone with my thoughts a lot. I miss him with every cell of my being. It often still feels like the day he died, like I'm stuck in it. I keep reliving that day, being by his bedside, holding his hand, then all the screaming and crying after I had to finally let him go. I've considered therapy but I honestly can't afford it (even with insurance). My family and friends brush me off whenever I bring him up. It feels like they are done grieving him. I simply don't understand because they loved him too...I want to reach out to the widowed women on this site. How long did it take you to accept your spouse's death? Do you ever feel like you're going to die from your grief? My heart feels like it's completely shattered. I feel angry all the time because we were only married for 7 years and I lost the love of my life before I turned 30 and before having kids. I just don't know how to go on but I know that I have to because I know that he loved me and would want me to continue on living. Please help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2020): I’m so sorry for what’s happened. It must be incredibly difficult. I lost my mum 6 months ago and I still burst into tears spontaneously several times a week. 6-8 weeks to get over a loss like that is wholly unrealistic in my view.
If you can’t afford professional counselling then perhaps see if there are any self help groups in your area, or online ones that you could join. Speak with your doctor, or a reliable source, first in case they can recommend any good ones. There may be cancer charities that run such groups
Forgive yourself for taking time to heal.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (9 May 2020):
There is no normal for getting over it, either in how long it takes or what you have to do in order to feel like you can reach a point of acceptance and move on with your life whilst still treasuring the memories of the husband you loved.
Someone I know with a very similar story to yours told me that they were probably only starting to deal with there own feelings a couple of years on. Their distraction had been channelling all focus into the children, whilst yours was the work that suddenly became oh-so-important. You tried to keep so busy that you effectively suspended the grieving process, and the circumstances you find yourself in now have brought you to the point where that is no longer possible.
Perhaps your family and friends don’t know what to say, think it best you don’t talk about difficult things or think that talking about him will upset you. They’ve probably seen that not talking about it and keeping busy has worked for you, because that’s the impression you’ve given even if this wasn’t the truth. If you can, I think you need to tell them how the confinement of lockdown is making you feel, and explain how it is bringing the traumatic things you’ve been trying to suppress painfully and unavoidably to the surface.
Some counselling really would help but if that isn’t possible, at least spell it out plainly to those who love and care about you. They won’t know how to help and sometimes it needs the person who has been through the bereavement to spell out what is needed so people can respond in the right way. And we, of course, are always here.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2020): First of all I am sorr for your loss.
My mother passed away a year and a half ago from Alcoholism and I often wonder how long it takes to heal, if I am ever going to heal.
Mothers day, her birthday, my birthday, Christmas and easter are such hard events. I constantly think of the day and night she passed away and I think about the future child I will have that she will never meet and the wedding she will never attend.
All my friends haven't lost a parent yet, my family, only my two older cousins lost their dad.
I cry on the way to work, and the way home daily.
there is never a right time to move on, but just remember the good times you had with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2020): This post made me cry, my heart goes out to you so much.
I understand your anger, it's natural to feel that way. I think where you went wrong was with the pretence.
I also think that this lockdown has sent a lot of people over edge and brought all of the loneliness that a lot of us hide to the surface.
I think you really need to reach out to your family, stop pretending, tell people you're hurting, tell them you're lonely and that you miss your husband.
If you don't tell people, they can't help because they all think you're okay.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (8 May 2020):
 First of all OP, hugs to you. You have suffered a terrible loss and there is no way that you are going to be over it in a few short weeks! Honestly speaking it could take years before you truly come to accept what you went through. Don't be hard on yourself. Be good to yourself.
My father passed away 6 years ago and I still miss him terribly. I know I always will. I have just learned to cope with it but he's never far from my thoughts. Times like this I wish more then ever that he was here to make me laugh and to just be my rock.
Time does tend to fade the hurt until it blends into a sadness that you can more easily deal with but for me, there is always a brief sharp pain when I think of my dad. I'm not trying to be gloomy or make you feel like you will never overcome the pain please don't misunderstand. I am just expressing my honest feelings. You will get to a point where it doesn't hurt so much and you will be able to think of the happy times and hopefully smile wistfully at the memories. When I start missing my father terribly I always think of something that he did or said and it made me laugh. My father was a very funny man. These are the memories that I cherish and hold onto for the lonely times.
Losing a spouse, especially at such a young age has to be devastating. Worse yet is the fact that you watched your spouse slowly get more and more ill and you had to be there to see it all. Sometimes I think life is much kinder to take someone quickly but sadly it isn't always that way.
Have you considered going online and looking up meetings for those that have suffered the loss of a spouse? I mean meetings that you can go to in person (of course after everything get better with the pandemic). How about online groups? I'm sure if you look around there are meetings/groups like these. What about church? Do you attend church Do you have a minister or a pastor that could counsel you?
I'm afraid your friends don't sound too overly caring. Its sad to me that they can expect you to move on so quickly. Obviously they have never had such a loss or else they are just very cold hearted! Do you have family that you can go to?
What you feel is very very normal OP. Again you are young and as you said didn't have the chance to have children, and now with the pandemic I'm sure it makes you feel that much more lonely and isolated.
PLEASE reach out to someone that can guide you, and help you. Don't suffer through this alone. Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote an excellent book on the 5 stages of grief. I have read it more than once. Its very helpful and may comfort you.
Hugs again to you sweetie. I'm so terribly sorry. Please help yourself and be good to yourself. DC is a great place to come and get advice and to also give advice. Reach out to us anytime.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 May 2020):
 I'm so sorry for your loss, OP
Whomever said 6-8 weeks is enough time to grieve must never have has a loss that close!
I'm still feel the loss over my Mom's death and that has almost been a decade!
I think you should try and talk to your doctor, maybe he can refer you to someone to talk about the grief. OTHER than you family. Yes, I know it can be costly, but there might be some less costly alternatives.
Also if counseling is totally out of you finances, look into books on how to deal with grief.
I think what you are feeling is normal.
I don't think anyone can really set a time limit for how long you can grieve, but you are also right that you ARE alive and you NEED to live life. Not just for you, but for him too, in a way.
I think family and friend "think" they are helping you by not "letting" you dwell on your loss. They are trying to move your forward best as they know how. The thing is we all move at different speeds emotionally.
Maybe if you google "online grief support groups" you can find one that is a good fit for you.
And I would also consider that you CAN move forward without forgetting him.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 May 2020):
 Some people never truly get over the death of a spouse, I don't know who you talked to who said 8 to 10 weeks, but hey, that is unusually quick.
You need to go through your grieving process on your own timetable, there are five stages of grief (google five stages Kubler Ross), denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, most often in that order but sometimes not, and sometimes we return to a stage for a second (third?) time.
I do understand when you ask about dying from your grief, often referred to in romantic literature as dying from a broken heart.
I would imagine it is even harder for you given your young age and the current global situation. So, don't give yourself a hard time, when you have a good day enjoy it, when you have a not so good day remind yourself that you will get through this.
And you WILL. You will get through this, so take one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, and you will come out the other side.
Sending strength and light.
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