A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Firstly, thanks for taking the time to read and respond..I’m miserable, totally. Been married 3 months although we dated for 8 years. My husband sleeps on the floor when we fight. At first he claimed to have a bad back and generally preferred the flat and hard surface of the floor but he does this only when we fight. I told me I don’t like it and he dismissed my concerns. He also stopped wearing his wedding ring claiming it gets tight as the day progresses. I feel hurt every time I see it on the dresser several times a day. He knows I really want him to wear it everyday. He implied I’m trying to control him. I get no affection outside of sex. No hugs or kisses or sweet words. I asked him to hug me before he leaves for work each day and he only did it twice. All these things have made me very angry and withdrawn. My emotions got the better of me and I screamed at him when he didn’t regard my complaints about static in our bed. It was so much and our son and I were getting shocked several times a day. He was sleeping in the same bed until this fight when he immediately went to the floor and started ignoring me. Sharing our bed, wearing rings and romance are very important to me and without these in my marriage I feel unfulfilled and lack motivation to do much. What do you think of this situation.
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (23 November 2019):
 You guys dated for 8years so I ask; did he do all the things that you require in those 8years and just stopped or did he never do those things in those 8years but you married him anyway hoping that that would somehow change? I think that's what we're all wondering here.
I agree with wiseowle, this guy seemed perfectly okay being a boyfriend and probably didn't want to be a husband but gave in because he saw how important it is to you. You value words of affirmation, romance, physical touch etc and he seems as though he can do without all that to be honest. Perhaps the two of you are completely incompatible to be begin with. Perhaps you should go to counseling as suggested however if he doesn't want to go, he probably will protest as he's already been doing, with ease. If he doesn't want to do something, he just doesn't do it. In which case, you can't force someone to do what they do not want to do. Which is why, you need to have a discussion and see whether or not there is anything worth saving here. If the two of you are on the same page but seem to clash and miscommunicate then perhaps there is something that can be done, if not, it may be time to consider life apart. Either way, a discussion needs to be had. Only then will you know where you stand.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 November 2019):
 If romance and being visibly romanced were important to you,- why did you marry him then ? I mean, it's improbable that after 8 years just the act of getting married totally changed his habits and personality and he just stopped being affectionate and romantic starting from your wedding date . It's more probable that he was not the demonstrative type even before, so, if being shown affection, having a tactile, cuddly partner ... is so important to you ( ...and I am not saying that you are wrong in wanting these things, everybody has the right to choose their own priorities in relationships ) then - why did you choose him as a life partner ?
As for the rest, well, yes, you do come out as a bit controlling,- or at least focused on minor details which don't say much about how warm and vital the relationship is.
There are tons of men ( and also women ) who don't wear wedding bands, and NOT all of them because they want to pretend they are not married ! but for various other reasons, one of which is , that ,like it happens to your husband, it feels tight and uncomfortable . It seems a good reason to me ! If instead than a ring, it was , say , a pair of shoes that you gave him as a present, would you want him to go around all day with achy swollen feet - to show the world how loving he is ?! His not wearing a ring may hurt your feelings, but wearing it hurts his °hand°- IMO it's not a big show of coniugal devotion from your side demanding that he feels discomfort or pain … because you believe in symbols.
So he got stroppy and slept on the floor ? ...Yeah, that's immature of him , probably he does it to punish you, to get a big reaction out of you- which he does ! Stop making drama when he wants physical space - first, it may be just the thing that he needs to calm down if he is mad at you after an argument , and second, he is a grown up man and you are not his mom, if he wants to sleep on the floor… too bad for him , °shrug° - at least you have the bed all to yourself, enjoy !
The statics thing ? … So you get statics shocks and you get mad and scream at your husband ! Why , is it his fault that you are getting shocks ? What is he supposed to to about it ?! That's something that you can take care of, since apparently it bothers you ,not him- by eliminating all synthetic fabrics ( polyester etc. ) around you , only use natural fibers ! Or, if you can't do that, there are tons of anti-static products to add to the wash ( or, the old trick of adding a couple of tennis balls ) , fabric softeners, anti-static paper sheets, etc. You can also hang your wash to dry in the open air, rather than inside or in a dryer. And also use a moisturizing / hydrating cream on your body before going to bed. Easy - peasy.
What I think of your situation, is that you are magnifying little episodes which may happen in any cohabitataion and making mountains of molehills. That, I guess, comes from a base of disappointment , resentment and unfulfillment that is more diffuse and more deep-seated than the occasional tiff. You resent him for , basically, not being the person you really want, or the man you'd want him to be ( … but again , a bit too late in the day to notice that, after 8 years of dating, isn't it ? ) , not because once in a blue moon he sleeps on the floor.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2019): I really like Aidan's answer. Now I'll play the Devil's Advocate. Let me pose a few observations, harsh realities, and offer a few opinions; based on what you've posted.
It seems marriage was something that your husband/former-boyfriend dutifully surrendered to; or he submitted under pressure. It doesn't seem his heart was in it. In short, you twisted his arm!
It really doesn't matter if he proposed, supposedly "voluntarily." He's behaving as if it was done under duress. He's miserable too! You can't be affectionate, if it's not coming from the heart. He could fake-it, but he wouldn't be able to keep it up indefinitely. You wouldn't enjoy it, knowing it's forced!
My speculation is that there was a lot of sulking; and a major campaign to get him to properly commit to marriage, after that 8-year stretch. You probably hinted, pushed, prodded, got his parents behind you, your friends, his friends, the butcher, the baker, and the mailman to convince this guy...he should settle-down and get married! So, he threw-up his hands; and tied the knot! You didn't mention any children. If you have one or more; they added extra pressure!
Everything you've described seems like a man acting-out under protest; and possibly on a mission to prove a point. Maybe that he was happier the way things were! You could ask him. I don't think you'd want, or will get, an honest answer. He might tell you what you want to hear; or try to change the subject! Even shutdown any discussion going there! He seems to have a ready-made answer for everything!
I'll also speculate you've always had a lopsided...bordering on almost incompatible, and somewhat "forced" relationship. Okay...let's say shaky!
He's doing practically the opposite of everything you want him to do! You now have him committed in marriage; and now you want an affectionate and lovey-dovey husband. I don't believe he is, or ever was, that kind of a man! You probably have your ideal-perception of a "good marriage." Maybe you want to model it after one you admire; but maybe he was a poorly-chosen candidate. He's just too obstinate and uncooperative! I would further venture to speculate that the relationship was on and off, over the course of the past eight years. He always asked to come home! He missed you, your cooking, and the way you spoil and fuss over him!
If you're now married, why refuse to wear your wedding band? If it's a bad fit, get it properly sized. If the bed is uncomfortable, get a larger mattress...the type with adjustable firmness. He should go see a back or spine specialist about his back. If your girlfriend of 8 years, and wife of three months, feels neglected. Why did you bother to propose, if you are going to treat her like this? These are suggested talking-points when you have that sit-down discussion that no nonsense Aidan suggested.
It's not all about what he can do for you. It goes both-ways! You've got to find-out what he wants, and how you can both compromise. Ask him what it is that you do, that makes it so hard for him to show spontaneous affection? What happened to make him stop? (If he ever did!) Maybe you could be a little less demanding; and adjust your expectations back to where they were before you married him. He won't get any better; if he wasn't a Prince Charming to begin with! He's the same guy, or worse...you be the judge!
I suppose you made a bad-choice for a husband. Seems he was happier being a perpetual-boyfriend! If he keeps it up for the next few months; maybe you should both see a marriage-counselor. Start looking for a good divorce-lawyer as your backup-plan.
I doubt he'll agree to counseling; if I had to judge him by his behavior you've described. I might even guess, if you threatened him with a divorce? He'll probably accept your offer.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 November 2019):
 Did things suddenly change AFTER marriage or did you two have unresolved issues (like the ones you mention) BEFORE you said :"I do" ?
Because it's naive to think a wedding, vows and a ring on your finger is going to change EVERYTHING to suddenly be perfect.
Being married doesn't mean you are now GLUED to each other or that a relationship change. If it didn't work before, marriage won't change a thing. I do think that some small things change over time, BOTH in a relationship and a marriage, it's a given.
If it DID change, I think you two need to have a serious talk.
Was he always so bad at giving affection OR did that start after you got married? Again, someone who ISN'T super affectionate is NOT going to BE affectionate because HE got married. If it's something new, ADDRESS it but without the accusations.
You write :" asked him to hug me before he leaves for work each day and he only did it twice." SO why don't you give him a hug and a kiss in the morning and when you see each other after work? WHY is it his job?
As for him sleeping on the floor in "protest" over a fight, SO what? That means you can SPREAD out! Lay in the middle of the bed and enjoy it.
IF he does it to PUNISH you, the BEST thing you can do is STOP reacting to it. He wants to get a raise out of you, and IT WORKS!
A piece of personal advice that you can take or leave is this, SET a house rule, DO NOT go to bed mad at each other, SORT things out BEFORE sleeping, even if it's just a "we'll have a longer discussion about this tomorrow and figure out to move forward together".
Otherwise it builds resentment.
As for static on the bed, USE 100% cotton sheets. Or if you have non-cotton sheets use 1/2 cup of vinegar (just ordinary distilled while vinegar) when you wash your sheets, they remove static and odor. And no, they won't smell like vinegar.
You can also run a humidifier in your bedroom, it helps the air from dying out to a point where you get a LOT of static.
Blaming static on your husband is, well... silly. HE didn't CREATE the static and you are a GROWN woman who can fix it yourself. You are not helpless.
As for wearing a ring all the time. Women are by FAR more used to rings than men are, it takes time to get used to it. My husband have lost 4 over the course of our marriage, it happens. He ALSO have some of his joints swell up over the course of the day and the ring simply felt too small. So I can SEE why he isn't wearing it all the time. Maybe an idea is to get his ring re-sized and DO that in the afternoon when he is more "swollen". Can you define WHAT exactly it is about him wearing a ring that means so much to you?
PLAN some romantic outings. TRY and DO some of the things YOU would LIKE him to do. Sometimes "Monkey see, monkey do" is a good way to show someone what you WANT from them. Though you shouldn't be doing ALL the work when it comes to making the marriage work.
Perhaps have a try at a 5 love languages quiz and see what you EACH want/need from the other, and then TALK about that and how to make it happen.
Does your son sleep in your bed? If so, time to move him out of the bed.
It sounds to me that overall, you two don't communicate well with each other. THAT needs some work, BOTH of you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2019): The ring: take it off the dresser and get it resized. Then, if his reason is valid he'll wear it.
The static:buy non synthetic sheets--they'll last longer and you won't be shocked. Then you'll stop screaming at your husband.
Are you surprised he's sleeping on the floor when you are so hostile? Perhaps if the above problems are what's bothering you your mood will improve, but somehow I doubt it.
I suspect your expectations of being married were too high. What did you really think would change after 8 years?
You need to sit down with your husband and start to see him as on your team rather than the enemy. Right now I guarantee he feels like he is the enemy, which is why he'd rather sleep on the floor than in a bed with you. Let that sink in for a moment. On the floor rather than with you.
He's not raging, playing away. He's just staying way from you. I think you need to consider how much your contribution is to this situation.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (21 November 2019):
I’m left wondering what this relationship was like before the marriage. Why did you marry after so many years? Was it to seal the deal on something that you both thought was still wonderful? Or was it something you hoped might fix the cracks? Did you not think much about why?
These are the kinds of problems that happen when a honeymoon phase dies down, as it inevitably does. You both have incredibly high expectations that don’t get fulfilled. A wedding, a child or a new home can serve as things to look forward to that you keep you from seeing things beginning to go downhill. You realise that you both deal with things in different ways and the communication breaks down. Rather than find a way through the inevitable roughs that come with the smooth of a relationship, resentment builds and you both end up feeling miserable.
The best thing to do is try to encourage him to sit down for an honest talk about your relationship. Don’t bombard him with everything he’s doing wrong but say that it’s obvious that neither of you are as happy as you could be right now and there are probably things both of you could do to make it better. Invite him to share his feelings too and acknowledge some of the behaviours that you might be showing that aren’t helping, like screaming at him. Be prepared also to talk about the things that are upsetting you, like the lack of affection and the fact that when he agreed to be more affectionate, he didn’t stick to it. Once these things are out in the open, you could agree a couple of things each that you could commit to so it doesn’t feel like all the pressure is on you or him.
Also make sure you are making time to go on nice outings and doing fun activities together as a family. Keeping things fresh and exciting helps all aspects of a relationship.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2019): You answered your own question in that final paragraph.
You need those things in your marriage and he's not giving you them. You can complain on here or you can do so something about it.
It doesn't matter what outsiders think. It's what you're willing to put ip with.
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