A
male
age
30-35,
*yniker2
writes:I’m a gay man and there is this guy I’m interested it. We met through an app, started messaging back and forth back in May, and yes he’s also gay. We like a lot of the same things and have a similar sense of humor, which is a change because I have this bazaar morbid sense of humor that I’ve never seen someone else have before. I’m just crazy about the guy. I typically have pretty thick walls and become a bit of a spaz when it comes to dating and guys I like because I’ve only ever gotten hurt in the past, but with him it’s different. When he’s around I feel calm and those walls just crumble. When we started messaging I asked him what he was looking for and he told me he mainly wanted to make friends. We met up in June and it was like this instant connection. I felt like I’ve known him forever.Afterward we started texting each other almost everyone day for a few months and we were usually just joking around. We hung out a couple more times and I found myself becoming increasingly attracted to him. So I asked him out back in August and he said that he was attracted to me and that he was interested, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to date anyone at the moment in part because his career isn’t where he wants it to be and because he had applied to 2 grad schools and the one he really wanted to get into is about 800 miles away and if he got in he would be moving there in January. The other program he applied to is located about 100 miles away, so that wouldn’t be a big deal if we were to start seeing each other. He said that he would find out whether he got in or not in September.This was a little bit of a blow to me because I’ve never been in a relationship and the furthest I’ve ever gotten with anyone is a 3rd date… one time. This was the first time I’d been interested in someone and that interest was mutual. I’d never felt a connection to anyone that felt more natural than the one had with him. But I tried to play it cool and hung out with him every few weeks just as a friend. In September he found out he had been accepted to the program that was only 100 miles away and had been waitlisted for the one that was further away. Then at the end of October he found out he didn’t get into the program that was further away. He also told me that he would probably put off going to grad school for a year to save up money. So I thought that maybe this was my chance. However, I he hasn’t responded to any texts since he told me that he didn’t get into the program he really wanted. I also haven’t seen him since the end of September.I’m not sure, but I think this happened because I got a little clingy starting the last week in October. The reason for this is because I knew mid-November would be pretty rough for me and got clingy in the weeks leading up to that. Just to give you an idea, November 12th is the anniversary of the first time I came out to anyone. The person I came out to was a friend that I loved and it turned out he wasn’t gay. Long story short, telling him how I felt destroyed the friendship. November 13th was the first anniversary of a friend’s death, which was sudden. November 18th was the anniversary of my grandpa’s death. My birthday was also that week and to me it was a reminder that my 20’s are almost over and I’ve still never been in a relationship which just makes me feel unwanted. Anyway, I realized I was being clingy after the first couple days in November because he stopped responding, but I know I wasn’t blocked (long story as to how I know, just go with it). Then I panicked and started sending jokes that reeked of someone that was trying too hard. In the middle of the second week in November asked if I was being a pest and that I would give him space if he needed it. I’ve texted him twice since then; once to invite him along to a get together I was having with some friends and one was a joke I sent a little after thanksgiving. So I guess my question is how to proceed with this? Should I try to reach out to him one last time or should I just forget it? If I do reach out again should I explain what was going on with me and how I feel about him? Should I wait a couple weeks to contact him? Is there another approach I you would suggest?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2019):
 He is ghosting you. Ignoring you.
WHY on Earth do you think you should persist?
Sure, you might have got a tad OTT clingy but if you two were ACTUAL friends he would just either tell you or be OK with it.
Instead? HE is ignoring YOU. TOTALLY.
I don't think it was you being "clingy" I think it's HIM having either MET someone else or deciding that YOU are just "it" for him. You were good for his ego, but he sees no real reason to keep in contact.
Time for you to ACCEPT that. Block, delete and MOVE on.
If someone tells you, I'm NOT looking to date right now, BELIEVE them but also READ between the lines that really says:"I'm NOT looking to date YOU". Because if you think you have found someone who could be a good match, TIMING is not important, neither is where you are at in your career or whatnot.
The good thing about this is that YOU know what kind of personality you are interested in, maybe you need to figure out what you have to offer and HOW to meet someone who WANTS to date you. Chasing after a guy who doesn't want to date you or even be friends is NOT a good way to spend your time or energy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2019): You did meet online, consider the possibility that he may have met someone else.
He hasn't been visible or incontact; because he is not interested in a romantic-relationship. He tried to make that clear to you, but you've persisted; and he knows the only way you'll let-go, is if he broke contact with you first.
That's gay-life, kiddo! Take any guy seriously when he tells you he's not looking for a relationship. No matter how casually he conveys that sentiment, believe that he doesn't want a relationship. You're among the hundreds of gay-men telling virtually the same story. You meet him online, he's adorable, you get attached, and he cuts you loose in the midst of your hopeless-infatuation. There's no other way to do it, but be cold and abrupt; when you've told someone more than once you're not looking for a relationship! You're not in his plans; and he doesn't want to be hauling it back and forth a 100-miles either-way. He wants to feel free, unencumbered, and focused on his studies. Or, to continue meeting guys online!
My advice? Go no contact. Give "yourself" some space; so your feelings can calm-down and detach. You're getting more deeply attached; because you're desperate about being single with no other prospects. You're anxious because you don't want to be rejected. If you maintain your subscription to the dating site, you have to block him from view.
You should block him from your phone and social media accounts; before he blocks you! Then you'll be even more of a hot mess! I'm not there to wipe-away your tears and snotty-nose! The drama queen will soon kick-in; so take all precautions now! I sense the angst in your post!
Now he's in your head and becoming a mild obsession. He realized that a long-distance romance with you, maybe with anybody, would be too distracting and financially-unfeasible. He would not want to place the burden on you, always traveling the distance. Moreso, he doesn't want to feel obligated to maintain something over distance; which might take-up too much time and energy, that would be better spent on his grad-studies! You have to show more maturity in this situation.
He is deliberately avoiding you! You've attempted contact with no success, so why do you think you should keep trying? The more you try, the worse you'll feel; if he doesn't respond to your efforts. Take a hint!
Is there another approach? You mean short of crawling on your hands and knees, and begging? No baby-boy, you pickup your dolls and dishes and you call it day! This one flew the coup and knows you can't take no for an answer. It's been fun, but see-ya! If you have to put on a dog and pony show to get some guy's attention; you're better-off flipping him the finger!
You'll find love. It takes patience! You have to keep your feelings on reserve; while you're getting to know a guy. When you want something too badly, and you're denied it; then entitlement and pride start to kick-in. It then makes you desperate, clingy, and persistent; and you start becoming a little psycho and pathetic.
Relationships are not guaranteed to sprout from good-connections; or when you meet someone, and get-along with them famously. You also have to get the past out of your head. Looking back on past failures, will make you go overboard trying to make things happen that aren't in your destiny. Fear of another failure makes you a little pushy! Maintain your dignity, boyfriend! The bromance was meant to be short and sweet!
You'll anxiously try to force things to happen that aren't meant to happen. The result? Frustration and/or a broken-heart. Approach dating, or meeting a new-guy, with cautious-optimism. Give things time to develop and fuse together; then let your feelings out little by little. Wait for reciprocation! Don't assume you can force feelings out of people, just because they know you like them. They will manipulate you, or use your feelings against you, when you do that.
You have to hold your feelings in-check to make sure attractions are reciprocated; and then you have to stay on the same-page. If you get ahead of the situation, you end-up hurting yourself. You can't blame others for hurting you; when you're prone to always being 10-steps ahead, and not allowing them to catch up with you.
Let him go. I'd give you a hug, but let my words and advice be a comfort to you. Just let him go! If he calls out of the blue, ask him why he dissed you, then decides to disturb your peace? If he doesn't want what you want, don't waste your time. If he's blocked, you won't have that unnecessary drama to deal with.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (9 December 2019):
If you reach out again, I’m not convinced that you would really stick to it being “one last time” at all. I know this may sound hard, especially when you’ve had such a rough month (and I’m sorry to hear about all that by the way), but this guy is sending you a message loud and clear but you’re refusing to hear it.
He’s almost certainly guessed how strong your feelings are and sensed that they are only getting stronger, and he doesn’t feel the same or even if he does, he is clear that he doesn’t want a relationship with you. That’s why he’s cut contact with you: he’s being cruel to be kind.
It really sucks but you can’t change how he feels or what he wants. If you tell him about how difficult November has been for you, he may be kind and sympathetic, but you’ll read every kind word and gesture as a sign that he’s finally fallen for you. We get blinkered like that when we fall hard for people, especially the ones we can’t have.
What you need to do now is decide whether you want to look for someone else to date, or spend a bit of time working on yourself and thinking about what you want from life and from a future partner, away from the pressures of dating. Maybe this experience can teach you something about what you are looking for and what your relationship needs might be, and in that sense it’s been a good thing. But it’s finished and you need to allow yourself the time and space to feel the hurt about that and move to a point of acceptance.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2019): Nope. Do not contact him. You've already over done it. Never message this guy again. If he's interested he'll get in touch. If he's not, he won't and you reaching out again won't make any difference.
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