A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can I get over / stop constantly thinking about a fling?I came out of a 10 year relationship almost 18 months ago, Over summer I joined an online dating site and met somebody who was absolutely amazing. We talked online for quite a while before meeting and he initially seemed as keen as me. We started sleeping together after a month of dating and the sex was far better than with my long term ex (who was my only other sexual partner). A month later he suddenly seemed to loose interest. I tried to arrange to see him again and every time he would reply but never commit to meeting up, but equally didn’t ever say that he no longer wanted us to see each other. I eventually left it and he also didn’t make an effort to message me so I was in limbo until a month ago when I saw him (from a distance) in town. I was with a female friend and he was with a male friend, I am fairly sure that he saw me and deliberately turned away to avoid having to stop and speak to me. After this I accepted that he just wasn’t interested anymore but equally wasn’t ever going to actually let me know. Despite accepting this I still can’t stop thinking about him, it was such a short time that we had together but things just seemed so right and I had seriously began to think that it could be a long term thing. At the time I didn’t think that I had appeared too over keen but with hindsight I am now wondering if that was why he suddenly lost interest. I also think that he found me boring and inexperienced in bed. The amount of time that I am still spending thinking about him is really excessive given that it was such a short fling, but I can’t figure out how to stop. I have now gone back onto the dating site and went on a date with some else last week but there just wasn’t the chemistry there. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (21 November 2019):
Here’s a thought: you break up with your long-term partner, who also happens to be your only sexual partner. Whether you wanted to break up in the end or not and however convinced you may be that it was right and necessary, that’s still going to hurt. Then along comes a guy who is willing to pursue you until he gets what he wants. Yes, the sex is great, but more importantly it’s helped you see that you can have something exciting and fun again, and that it could be even better than with your last partner. How exciting! But then it all turns sour and with it go the hopes you’d started to build, and the healing you thought you had found through him.
Unfortunately, for him it seems that it was just about sex. He doesn’t care about the stage of your life that this fling took place within, but it explains a lot about why you are still fixated on it and not able to move on and chalk it up to a bad experience. So the answer to your question is no magic bullet but it is this: realise why this particular fling has hurt you so badly, and that your obsession is about you, not him. In any case it’s a fixation on a person who doesn’t really exist: the person who does exist is pretty shallow and not worth your time. Next, some classic distraction therapy: keeping busy, reconnecting with friends and family as much as you can, as well as doing the things you enjoy. Third, keep trying on the dating sites. You’re not a hopeless cause or stuck forever with thoughts of this man because one date didn’t turn out well.
I wish you all the very best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2019): I think you just have misdirected your desire for connection onto someone who wasn't looking for one. You're thinking about the possibility of what could have been instead of what you two actually shared which was very little. Don't blame yourself or start picking flaws in yourself. He doesn't even know you well enough to make a judgement. Think about what you want in the future and try and find that. Some day you'll look back and wonder why you even cared about this fling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2019): No, he doesn't find you boring or anything like that. He got what he wanted, and now he's on to the next thing.
He wasn't seeking a relationship. Once sex becomes a part of a connection between people, he knows if he kept coming around you'd get too attached. He had to give you the cold-shoulder and make a run for it. You were showing signs of falling for him, and started feeling too sticky and clingy.
He'll wear-off! You can pine for him all you like. It's all in vain! Regain your dignity, madam! You're a grown-up! Pining for crushes is more appropriate for schoolgirls! Wanting someone who doesn't want you back is wasting time and energy! It was good while it lasted!
Stay busy, be visible, hangout with the ladies, and distract yourself in healthy ways!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 November 2019):
 Ah, the every conundrum of WHY did he do what he did?
My absolute guess, is that HE wasn't looking for a GF, he was looking for someone to spend time with, to hook up with and when/if she seemed to want more he would move on. Some guys (and gals) can't maintain interest or being on their best behavior for long. Which is why they AREN'T really looking for anything long term. Because they think the "grass is ALWAYS greener elsewhere" and they don't want to miss out.
It wasn't YOU who did anything "wrong" per se.
My advice to you is to look up Matthew Hussey on YouTube. He gives amazing advice for people who wants to date and who WANTS a long term partner.
And I would suggest that you ACCEPT that HE wasn't the right guy for you. Sure, he met some of your criteria but really, what kind of person doesn't just tell someone hey, I don't see us working out. But instead he "ghosts" you and avoid you like the plague when you see him in the street? That isn't a GREAT guy, OP. That is a guy who doesn't GIVE a single shit about anyone but himself.
You have kind of made him into this REALLY great guy (in your head) because he was attentive, charming and good in bed, but you are also TOTALLY ignoring the red flags.
It might take a few more dates with different guys to find one that is a good fit for you. And my advice is to WAIT with the sex, until you are BOTH sure you want to build a relationship WITH each other. TAKE the time to form a bond BEFORE the sex. You can't know someone all that well after a month, regardless of how much you texted each other.
And BE faster to discard a potential partner if he does behavior such as IGNORING you. You weren't in any limbo. The fact that he "ghosted" you should have told yourself, OK this one wasn't interested in me besides sex. And then YOU make the choice to block him and move on. Don't wait for some guy to tell you that HE doesn't want you. You are OLD enough to make that choice to. And to NO accept people treating you in a way you don't deserve.
TAKE your time when it comes to dating.
And chin up, he wasn't as great of a catch as you thought, it happens.
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