A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I found out my girlfriend cheated on me last week. I should be angry and upset with her. Heartbroken even. But I’m not. In fact the thought of it turns me on to the point where I wish I could’ve watched them do it. It happened about 6 weeks ago. I thought she was at work, when in actual fact she was sleeping with one of her colleagues at his flat. They’d both secretly booked a day off to do the deed with each other. It was so deceitful of them both and I literally had no idea it had happened. Not even an inkling. But then one day last week she called me round to hers to confess everything. Apparently HIS girlfriend had somehow found out about it and gone absolutely mental as you can imagine. She then confronted my girlfriend and said she’d spill everything to me if she didn’t. So in the end my girlfriend jumped before she was pushed over the whole thing. She was really, really upset and shaking with nerves but didn’t leave any stone unturned when it came to details. She admitted they’d been flirting and messaging for weeks, she was flattered and when he invited her to spend the day with him she couldn’t resist. She knew he had a girlfriend as well and he knew she was with me but it didn’t stop them. She said they had sex THREE times during their day together. They both really regretted it the day after though and it didn’t go any further from there. I didn’t really know what to think when she told me. I wasn’t angry or upset, just a bit numb. I think my girlfriend was just confused more than anything by my reaction. She assured me she loved me and it was a huge mistake that she bitterly regretted and always will do, but understood if I wanted to end it. I told her to give me some space for a few days, purely because I simply didn’t know how to react to it. The day after everything came out her colleague's girlfriend messaged me on Facebook asking for my number so we could talk. And she was literally spitting feathers about it and ranted down the phone at me for ages. She’d dumped him, packed his bags and kicked him out of their flat. She said there was absolutely no going back after what they’d done and was even getting rid of their bed as she could never face sleeping in it again. I’d say she was borderline hysterical with rage and heartache. But I wasn’t. I was calm and collected about the whole thing. She said she couldn’t get the image of them writhing around together out of her mind and it was mental torture. Neither could I, but it was for different reasons. In fact afterwards all I could do was fantasise about it, I was so turned on by the whole thing. It was just surreal. I never found anything more arousing in my entire life; my girlfriend cheating on me. I’m not really angry towards him either, just envious that he could do it three times in one day. I’m lucky if I can do it twice a day. It sounds ridiculous but honestly its just how I feel. Me and my girlfriend are going to meet up this weekend to talk things through but I’m literally not bothered at all about talking, all I want to do is drag her off to bed. I’m even more attracted to her than I was before. What is wrong with me? Can anyone shed some light on why I feel like this? We’ve been together 18 months and I do love her, so why am I not bothered by what she’s done? Surely I should feel like our relationship is ruined and I should never be able trust her ever again. Thanks.
View related questions:
at work, cheated on me, facebook, flirt, heartbroken Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2021): Sounds like you don't really care for her, and you've made up your mind she's not the one for me, or you would be more upset
A
male
reader, Jman33  +, writes (6 September 2021):
How did the meeting between you and your gf go then
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2021): Now that I'm older and with my permanent woman, my life partner, I would never cheat and I would be devastated if she did.However, when I was in my early 20s I had a girlfriend that did have an affair with another young man and it turned me on like crazy. She told me about it after the first time and of course I got mad. She said she had been thinking about him a lot and she needed to get him out of her system. Normally I'm the kind of guy who doesn't stand for much BS so we were both surprised when I told her to take a few weeks to in fact get him out of her system. The caveat was that he couldn't know I knew and neither could any of her girlfriends.Turned me on like crazy but I knew this wasn't the girl I would end up with.So my advice is to enjoy yourself now and get serious with a better woman when the time is right.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2021): I think you're still young, that you weren't really that invested in this relationship and that you are a cuckold. Someone who gets turned on by watching their partner have sex with someone else, a fantasy, and for some people, a reality that is far more common than I thought years ago. I think it's quite a common fantasy and because you're not into your girlfriend that much, you can be turned on by thought of her having sex with someone else. I think even when people are in love they can enjoy this. My last boyfriend wanted his friend to come over so he could watch the both of us. Not my thing and we finished. A woman who worked with my ex husband was known to have sex with other guys in front of her husband. In fact she worked her way through the firm and I've seen her husband watch intently from afar as she chatted them up. They'd been married for many years. She enjoyed it and so did he.You're a cuckold. Plain and simple. If you do have sex with her, wear protection.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 May 2021):
 Overall, yikes.
I have to agree with the uncles here. It's not really the "normal" reaction for someone who REALLY cares about their partner when they find out said partner cheated.
That doesn't mean there is something "wrong" with you.
It might mean that your feelings for your GF are not as deep as you thought or wanted them to be. And it DEFINITELY means SHE doesn't care for you THAT deeply either.
Why do I say that? Because I have been there done that. My BF (before I met my husband) cheated on me. With several people. He lied to me. He lied to everyone else and he was shady AF.
At first, I didn't give a shit. I just wanted him out of my life ASAP. It wasn't until later that it really hurt my feelings and my perception of myself, my ability to "pick" a good match, and my ability to notice that things were off. I internalized HIS actions, HIS choices.
So step 1. shut down to protect me
step 2. self-doubt
step 3. anger
step 4. finding the silver lining and moving on.
Those were the "steps" my the break-up after THAT relationship. It affected me for a LONG time after. Even if I knew logically and rationally that it WASN'T my fault I still felt that it was MY responsibility to somehow know.
You might be on step 1. And instead of step 2. you move straight to how can this be a good thing (step 4).
Where most people would NOT see cheating as oh, this would be great if ONLY I had gotten to watch, that was your rationale. Because that way it would have "benefitted" you as well. At least in your head.
Could it be that you have a bit of a penchant for wanting to be a cuckold? I don't know.
Your GF lied to you. She betrayed your trust. She put your health at risk (STD/STI's) and she didn't GIVE a SINGLE shit about you while she was chatting up this guy and later having sex with him. If the guy's GF hadn't found out maybe your GF would never have told you. She might even have decided to try it again with another guy and another.
THAT is reality. It's not "hot" or "pretty".
Sex doesn't "just happen". Cheating doesn't "just happen".
They BOTH had partners, they both knew it wasn't morally right. But they STILL made a SERIES of choices that ended up with them having sex.
To have a healthy relationship there has to be trust and respect.
She isn't trustworthy and she has no respect for you.
You are so young still. You have many lessons to learn. Maybe this is one of them. What you take from it is up to you. BUT... I would advise that looking at it as a "missed opportunity for a real-life bad porn" is not the one I think you should choose.
And definitely, follow WiseOwlE's advice: "You might also want to ask if they used protection? Go and get yourself tested in about 30 days."
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2021): Maybe you watch too much porn; and can only perceive this situation through a sleazy pornographic-viewpoint. Voyeurism is hardly the appropriate emotional-response to knowing some other guy was having sex with your girlfriend!
At first knowledge or discovery of some things, our emotional-response is more along the lines of shock. Thus the numbness. You have to process then digest the facts. I hardly think wanting to see it would be the healthiest reaction. Though the other guy's girlfriend may have flown off the handle; that seems more along the lines of a natural human reaction.
Your girlfriend betrayed your trust. This isn't about just the sexual aspect of what happened, it's about principle, trust, faithfulness, and love.
She's your girlfriend. You can handle this situation anyway you like. One day when you know what true-love, trust, and faithfulness is; and what it means in a relationship. Your reaction will be more appropriate. Completely Losing-it, going psycho, and reacting violently is the extreme; but wishing you were there to watch, isn't the healthiest of emotional-responses.
Neither of you seem to be approaching this like people who really love each-other. She only confessed to get ahead of the guy's angry girlfriend. Otherwise, you may never have known about it.
I suggest that you don't tell her what you told us. Not if you want someone who's faithful to you. You might also want to ask if they used protection? Go and get yourself tested in about 30 days.
No sense in preaching or lecturing about wanting to watch other guys having sex with your girlfriend. It's not healthy for relationships; because they usually end-up with somebody else. You can test that advice for accuracy if you'd like.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (19 May 2021):
 I think this is a coping mechanism, and this is not going to last forever. when you are tired of reliving this fantasy of her being unfaithful you will be left with then the reality of what she has really done, and is really capable of.
She only divulged to you what happened because she was backed into a corner by the other guys partner. If she never found out she would of happily gone on lying and being unfaithful.
Trust is the most important factor that bind a relationship together, if there is no trust then relationships will more often than not head for a downward spiral.
She kicked this other guy out because she knew that she could never trust him again, she would always be looking over her shoulder, wondering if he is really working late at work, wondering who it is every time his phone goes off. She knew this is no life for anyone, so she did what was best and ousted him.
So like i say, this sexual fantasy will wear off, and when it does, and its down to the bear bones of things are you going to believe her when she says she loves you, and will never do anything like this again?.
That's really down to you op. She lied and cheated, and knew full when what she was doing, but she could not help herself.
If she's capable of doing this once, then she's more than capable of doing it again.
I would do what the other guys girlfriend did if it was me, and get rid.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (19 May 2021):
If you were thinking with your head, you’ve got serious cause to wonder if you can ever trust her again. Instead, because you’re turned on by what she’s done, it sounds like you’re thinking of swapping the vital talk that you both need to have for makeup sex.
Jealousy exists to keep us mindful of the competition. It can leave us utterly crushed, but it can also make us raise our game. It sounds like it’s had that effect on you. You’re dealing with it in a different way to most, but it’s not unheard of. And yet whilst it might make the stuff of unexpected fantasies, you have to ask yourself how much you really mean to this girl, and whether you can trust her to be honest in the future. Even if you don’t mind what she’s done, you should think about whether you mind what it’s telling you about the relationship.
Mistakes happen. People do the wrong thing, and often they’re truly sorry for it. What this means for you both can only become clear by talking afresh about what you want, where you’re going and what you expect of each other. You would be making a big mistake not to emphasise that doing something she knew to be a betrayal was wrong, even if you have found a way to accept it.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
|
