A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:my adult daughter is dating a guy that is lazy and unmotivated. he is almost 40 he only has an id no drivers license i want better for her and don't know how to talk to her. i don't understand. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (10 December 2019):
 This is tricky because there's actually nothing that you can do. I don't understand her actions either so I can't provide any insight as to what she'd be thinking but honestly there's nothing that you can do except let her make her own decisions and try not to create conflict between the two of you by going against what she decides is good for her (regardless of whether it is or isn't). You have to let this run it's course, unfortunately and trust that you raised her well enough to come to her senses and realise that she deserves better. That's all that you can do and I'm sure she's the type of person that will think about it and make that realisation that he is, in fact, a bad match for her. Maybe they have a lot in common besides the fact that he has hardly anything going for him and that is what she likes about him. Perhaps just try to be there for her no matter what happens and let her know that she can always count on you. I doubt it will work out long term because it takes more than love and fresh air to survive so just let it all play out and hope for the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2019): People are drawn to the most mismatched and unlikely people for a number of reasons. Most of those reasons defy logic, conflict with our moral values, and totally negate everything our parents have taught us. We all find love-interests that make no sense to anybody but us. He's passing through in a season of her life. Wait it out!
If he is as much of a no-count loser as you think he is, how long do you think it will be before she comes to the same conclusion? By the way, what kind of relationship does she have with her father?
Mama, don't interfere!
If we are truly honest...I doubt that you, me, any reader, or anybody here on DC; hasn't been attracted to a person others wonder: "what in the world does s/he see in him/her???
Our parents meet them for the first time; and are totally bewildered! After all they have tried to instill in us; we bring home somebody that fell-off a turnip truck! No goals, undereducated, creepy tattoos, trifling, and smelly; or too radical and rebellious to believe they ever had parents themselves. You'd swear he has never seen the inside of a barbershop! Worse, he must be allergic to shaving-razors and deodorant! You cringe at the thought of him sitting at the table, let alone touching your baby-girl!!!
Chill, mother! Such is life! There's a lesson to be learned, but you're not the one to teach it. There is no soothing a protective-mother's unsettled heart; but your interference will glue them together. It will not separate them!
If your daughter has suffered a series of let-downs, disappointments, or rejections from past-relationships; her self-esteem may be suffering. He stepped-in, and plucked her heartstrings!
Maybe none of this is true, but she thinks she has found herself a rescue. Someone who would, and could, focus all his time and attention on her. Nothing else matters more! She thinks he's misunderstood, fallen, and no-one sees his potential. All he needs is love to fix him! He is no threat to her; because he is too under-appreciated. He has no-doubt told her his pathetic sob-story. In her heart, he needs someone to love him. Life has been cruel, and that someone is she! She will be his inspiration, his muse, and his savior. He doesn't demand too much, all he needs is her love.
Meanwhile, everyone else is looking through the eyes of wisdom, experience, or prejudice.
They can't see what she sees, and they can't understand what kind of spell he has over her. Maybe the sex is good, he knows how to make a lady feel like a woman. Though he might be simple; he just might be a kind, humble, and ordinary-guy. He doesn't have much about him to impress anyone; but maybe he's sincere, and he may truly love her as much as she loves him. Until he cheats, or suddenly the cloud lifts; then will she see him for what he is, or isn't! He has a simple-charm that she finds irresistible!
You may have a different prototype in-mind for a son-in-law. Someone to brag about and impress others. Love has to be an element somewhere in the mix.
She's an adult. No-one has the right to come between them. You're her mother, and not one person on this planet could love her more than you do. You labored several hours to bring her into this world. You've sacrificed for her, you've kept her healthy, safe, and protected. You will be her mother forever; but you don't get to decide who she loves. Even if your more experienced and better-discerning eyes tells you that creature has no chance in hell of being your future son-in-law! Not if you can help it!!!
No mama...you have to stepback and mind your own beeswax!
Advise your daughter when she comes to you for wisdom and advice. If you see signs of abuse, intervene. If she tells you about the lousy or stupid things he has done, bite your tongue. Just listen! Let life teach her a few lessons. You will always be waiting to catch her, and be her loving and supportive-mother. That's all you can do, my dear.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (7 December 2019):
 He might not have a driver's licence for any number of reasons. I know someone who has tried for years to pass his driving test but simply goes to pieces when it comes to taking the test and fails it every time. I have a friend who works as a high level chemist but cannot get a licence because she is an albino and her eyesight is too poor for her to be able to drive. I work with someone who has lost his licence because he suffers from epilepsy. I am sure there are lots of other reasons. Do you know for a fact he has no licence because he is lazy and can't be bothered taking his test?
While I understand that all parents want what is best for their offspring, what you believe is best for your daughter may not be what SHE thinks is best. Have you always put pressure on her to be a high achiever? If so, perhaps this guy's laid back attitude attracts your daughter because she can relax. Perhaps he is kind and loving and makes her feel safe.
One thing is certain: if you criticize her choice, she will shut you out and be even more determined to stay with him. In your shoes I would make a point of making him feel welcome and trying to get to know him. That way you can find out for certain what sort of a person he is and even figure out why your daughter is with him. Who knows; perhaps you might get to like him.
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reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (7 December 2019):
The key word here is “adult.” She is free to make up her own mind and choose who she wants.
It’s not clear from your post whether you have good evidence that he is the lazy waste of space you make him out to be, or whether you have rushed to judgement. Either way, your daughter won’t thank you for expressing such opinions whilst she is still attracted to this man.
Most parents will probably be able to tell you of a time when they had to bite their tongue and keep their thoughts to themselves. But you should try to listen without judgement to your daughter. Show a genuine interest. I’m sure you ask how she is and what’s she’s been up to anyway, so let her talk freely about what’s happening in her life. Show an interest when the boyfriend comes up: be mindful that he may have qualities that you haven’t seen. If you do more listening than talking, it will let her know that you are supporting her and if he is indeed totally unsuitable she’ll figure that out in her own time. If she thinks you’re completely set against him, she’ll probably hang on to him even harder.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 December 2019):
 Maybe instead of pointing out that he is a loser and his bad qualities, ask her what it is about him she finds attractive?
I know it sucks when your child (grown or not) makes choices you don't agree with, but they HAVE to make their own choices and thus... mistakes.
And you also have to look at yourself for a minute. What kind of husband do you have? none? a series of BF's? What male role models AND female role models has she had when it comes to relationships? NOT SAYING it is your fault that she has picked a "bad one", but sometime people go to extreme to avoid things they saw their parents do or they simply go with the "monkey see monkey do" and copy paste what they grew up with.
I think when you try and TELL a child (at any age over 15) what you THINK they should do in regards to dating you can end up alienating them even if you just want the BEST for them.
How long have they dated? How did they meet? How does he treat her? What is his living situation? DO you know any of that?
I think just question her in a subtle way, where you don't show her that you think he is a loser but take interest in HER happiness might be a better way to let her know you care.
Now IF he really is a piss-poor match, hopefully (if you try and hold back on judging him to harshly, at least to her face) she will come to you for advice. THEN you can point out that he might NOT be a good match.
And who knows, maybe she will figure it out all on her own. Most of them do. Have a little faith that you taught her to THINK for herself and VALUE herself.
I know I have dated 2 guys I really "shouldn't have". They were in essence mistakes or life-lessons. Maybe this guy is hers.
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