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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: I broke up recently with my boyfriend of 7 months, because I was definitely mistaken love for infatuation. The problem is, I felt really good about us being together the first two months, although things between us happened quickly, and we rushed into it, but for the first time in my college years, I felt loved and I was experiencing emotions I haven't had in years, but this all faded after a couple of months, and the chemistry from my side started to fade away, I felt really sad about breaking up with him since he didn't want to, and he tried his best to save the relationship, but I couldn't feel the emotions again, so he just gave up eventually. I've been in college for 3 years and I never had any friends or relationships (except my ex), and I'm avoiding them because I don't want any distraction. Although I tried, but I was just feeling that I'm wasting my time with them talking and chattering while instead I can do something beneficial. I'm always getting A's in my university so I can get financial scholarships, and I already got 4 until now, and it's becoming like an obsession, and I'm doing that because I want to save up those money for my higher education. My ex told me that stressing myself over it will make me end up all alone, although I see sometime after college and after I guaranteed the money to meet up people and build relationships, so it's not a priority now. I don't know if what I'm doing is kind of selfish or right. And my ex thinks that me not having any kind of need to date or to love and feel loved is weird, however I see it normal and okay because I might haven't met the right man and I'm not ready to meet him now because I don't have any time for relationships. Am I wrong?
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (14 November 2019):
Your focus and commitment to your studies is admirable and you should be commended for it. Juggling our priorities is difficult and it makes perfect sense that you’re not focussed on romance right now.
Your ex probably made his comments about you ending up alone because he was hurt by the breakup or the fact that you weren’t able to give the relationship the time it needed or that he would have wanted. That said, he has a point: being stressed out can be a really lonely, horrible experience. Investing time in relationships is an investment in your wellbeing, and when we are resilient and mentally healthy, we do better at everything.
Romantic relationships are greedy. They are the most time-consuming of any of the relationships you can have, with the possible exception of being a parent. If that time doesn’t exist right now, fine. That doesn’t mean you should shut yourself off from family and friends, because we all need a support network. The right people in your life (whether this includes a boyfriend or not) won’t be a distraction. Instead, they will want to support you and help enable you to be your best and achieve what you want in life. When I was studying and at some horrible points in my career, I couldn’t have managed without the kindness of people around me. Some people helped me practically with their knowledge, skills and time. Others just made me laugh and feel better. Others were great listeners. At some point, you’ll need all of those things too. It’s just the rules of the game of life.
I wish you all the very best.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (14 November 2019):
 The fact that you're focusing on your education is a good thing. You're already being financially responsible from a young age and that will really help set a good tone for your life in the long run and that's a really good thing. There is nothing selfish about that, it's a smart move. Admirable too. You're eliminating the whole student debt thing which is huge because having those to see to when you're done is what gets a lot of people down and prevents them from building long term when they thought they'd be able to so good on you for thinking it through properly. You have every right to prioritise yourself and your future.
I think that forging friendships is healthy and important and the right friendships create a much needed balance in one's life. I also tend to be the type to have tunnel vision when it comes to the important aspects of my life like education, especially, but this tends to leave no room for a balance and that tends to cause one to be stressed out which is unhealthy. You can still maintain your excellent grades and have A friend. That's not to say that you should go out there and befriend every random person you come across. The aim is to be selective with your friends too. I think you'll be pretty good at choosing like minded individuals to chill out with. You seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders so you'll be ok.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2019): It's not selfish or wrong but you NEED other things in your life in order to live a healthy life. It's not healthy over-focus on just one or two things in your life, such as studying or working. If you tie your self-esteem to one thing, if that's somehow taken away, you will lose your confidence and sense of self. You don't HAVE to be in a romantic relationship, but you need to seek and cultivate meaningful relationships in general such as with family and friends. Who is going to be there for you when things take a wrong turn?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 November 2019):
 Not seeking relationships or friendships while you are focusing on your studies is not selfish and is not wrong " per se ", but it may be unnecessary. Overkilling. Everybody needs balance in their life ; and all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Being able to choose priorities in life is great- but a priority is a thing which comes °first ° in your life, not the one and only thing you absolutely ,necessary must focus on. A bit of sensible, mature, reasonable multi-tasking may be in order. Particularly if you intend excluding not only romance , but even normal ,platonic friendships , even with same sex individuals. That's overkilling !, and not reallly necessary. I mean, astronauts training for space missions manage to have friends, people in med school or doing internships at hospitals still have friends, high profile fortune 500 executives have friends… and you can't have any form of human / social contact, because you've got tu study ??.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 November 2019):
 I don't think it's weird to want to focus on your education it is after all what will/can carry your future.
Not making friends though, I don't think is super healthy. Doesn't mean you have to try and make 30 friends, but having 1 or 2 that you can lean on for support and support them in return is good.
You are still VERY young and have your whole life ahead of you to FIND that special someone. There is no hurry.
Do you.
And no, your ex is wrong. You won't end up alone because you WANT to focus on doing the best you can for your own future.
Chin up and keep at it.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 November 2019):
 I’d say you’re being smart if anything, focus on your education that will set you up well for later life! You can date at any time and you’ll know when you’re ready, the fact that you didn’t feel that way for your ex shoes he wasn’t the right person for you.
That comment your ex made was a bitter one because he was upset. Don’t let it get to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2019): I think not having a romantic relationship is fine. but not having any relationships like friendships is not healthy. and trust me when i say making friends the older you get is so much harder. It sounds like you need a little more balance in your life.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 November 2019):
 As I see it, you have a small window of opportunity to get your qualifications but you have the rest of your life to date. Concentrate on what is important to you NOW. Don't forget to have some fun as well though. Don't let it be purely about education and getting grades. You need so R&R time as well, and friends.
Good luck. I am sure you will do well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2019): You're taking an adult attitude towards your education; and I see nothing wrong with focusing on your studies. You should still take time for socializing and dating; but nobody says you have to be in a serious relationship. Your consistent 4.0 GPA is crucial when you're planning grad-school. Keeping it up will land you more scholarships; and save a lot of money towards your education. The goal should be to get through a complete college education with little or no student loan debt! Obsession is unhealthy, commitment is healthier!
I don't think you need to take advice from your ex; perhaps he isn't as driven or as focused as you are. Just make sure you allow yourself time to rest and play. You still need friends and to build social connections that give you support and encouragement. Find like-minded people who take their education seriously; but still have the ability to socialize and have fun. Maintain balance!
You are not being selfish. You are growing-up and learning how to set your priorities. Good for you!
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