A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My best friend and I have always made an effort to buy each other nice, thoughtful gifts for birthdays and Christmas. The average amount we spent on each other was about 60$. In the past two years, I have noticed that she has been buying me increasingly cheap gifts. Our friendship hasn't changed (she speaks to me more now than she did in years past) and she is not going through financial difficulty. The other thing I've noticed is that she seems less grateful for the presents I buy her. She seems harder to impress. I don't understand what's happening and I'm getting a little offended. I feel embarrassed to buy her cheap gifts but it seems like I'm being foolish to keep spending money when she is not. And yet I know she will look really disappointed if I buy her less and that's why I've avoided it.I'm not sure how to bring this up with her because it seems really awkward to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2019): Your gift buying tradition has become burdensome for your friend. Why don't you keep gifting minimal? It is highly materialistic to base your friendship's worth on the monetary value of gifts. Gifts ought to be meaningful, not expensive. Sorry, but you sound stubborn and blissfully unaware of people's financial concerns. person to me. She's showing you clearly that it's time you tone down the money spending mutually, by being 'less grateful' or in my language 'less encouraging' of this consumeristic culture. Initially, your friend may have had lesser responsibilities or commitments. Maybe she's saving up, helping her family or has other priorities than expensive gifting. Embarrassed to buy cheap things for your friend, really ? That must be really hard for you with so much money in you bank Account, maybe not so much for her! In any relationship it is important to read nonverbal cues and adapt your behavior to it. If you are so class conscious then leave the girl alone and find richer friends with consumeristic values.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2019): I feel that you do not know your friends true fianancial circumstances. That is not your fault, as I do not know the fianances of any of my friends either. One thing that I have learned is that appearances can be very deceiving. You friend may be having trouble keeping up with the basic bills, her grocery costs, car payment, or medical costs! There are any number of things that could cause an economic tightening, in her budget. Perhaps a less expensive gift, is all that the girl can afford: maybe she cannot even afford that! Also consider this: let us just say that you buy her a beautiful sixty dollar music box. Perhaps she would have loved that, a few years ago, but due to harder times now, it is so useless, whereas twenty dollars cash or a gift card could buy some groceries. Perhaps a heart to heart talk, to find out the true story, why your more expensive gifts seem less important, to her, is in order! Trust me OP, cash is always just the right size, and the exact perfect color! I will pray for you both!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (18 December 2019):
 Stop making assumptions. Just talk to her. Best friends communicate.
Suggest you go out for lunch or dinner and split the bill - much nicer than this present debacle.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (18 December 2019):
There are a lot of things you seem to know. First, how do you know about her financial situation? Maybe there are things she doesn’t share with you. You wouldn’t know unless she shared them. Second, how do you know she’d be disappointed with a cheap gift? And if you genuinely believe that someone wilfully chooses to skimp on you but will be annoyed if you skimp on her in return, why would you want a friend like that?
I think it’s you with the issues here. You’ve forgotten what gift-giving is. You give for the pleasure of giving. You spend a certain amount on her, and you seem to think that she now owes it to you to spend similar in return along with lavish displays of gratitude. You don’t have the right to demand that gratitude because you are the one choosing to spend larger sums of money on her. I’m sure most of us have given something and hoped for a better reaction, but we don’t have the right to expect it so you just have to accept it. This isn’t a written rule of the friendship that has been broken, you could have taken her lead and bought cheaper gifts yourself. Or you could have made her a gift, or bought something that was more about sharing time and experiences together such as tickets to a show.
Don’t try to buy friendship, gratitude or their efforts. Get the gifts you want and that have meaning that is deeper than “look how much I spent on you!” Find purpose in all your gifts.
I wish you all the very best.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2019): I wonder how you know what her financial status is? None of my friends know if I am doing financially well or if I am going through financial difficulty.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2019): A Christmas carol.
I have a friend that makes me home made jam, and knits me a really trendy beret winter hat, paints their chicken eggs and wraps my presents in old cut out material and string. Amazing! amazing presents! love them so special and soooo cheap compared to some pathetic prices for rubbish on the market ten a penny. however cheap is something she will never be, because she ain't plastic, unique and authentic.
Just be honest with your friend and yourself and change the way you view Christmas and giving. The Christ,mas not commercialism. Go that extra mile and give of yourself, forget MONEY COST PRICE, make her something from nothing
and challenge her to do the same, create memories that are special. Sit in the park cook some roasted chestnuts, bake her mince pies with brandy inside, carol sing to the lonely old people,share the mince pies....the spirit of Christmas should never be EMPTY.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (17 December 2019):
 One of my love languages is gifts however I'm not one to focus on the cost of a gift. I'd prefer to get a cheaper gift and have someone do something more meaningful with the remainder of their gift budget. With that being said, a cost of the gift shouldn't matter. In fact, gift giving has become a requirement and a chore within your friendship, so much so that it's stressful, offensive and embarrassing... All of which are quite negative and it's provoking negative reactions from the both of you. Your friendship very well may end because of this... That sounds really petty to me.
Why is gift giving such a huge thing between the two of you anyway? It's like at this point you're giving gifts out of responsibility more than out appreciation for the friendship. Just stop the whole tradition if it's too much trouble. It's too much fuss and stress for a whole lot of nothing to be honest. If you want something, buy it yourself, same with her... Who knows and understands your tastes better than you? See what I mean? Take whatever you'd spend on her and spoil yourself with it... That way, you won't be upset and hurt over a material thing if said thing is something that you actually like or go out together and spend what you guys would usually spend on 'things' on an experience that would create a sweet and/or fun memory.
Another thing I'll comment on is the fact that the two of you seem to be all up in each other's business even financially... When it really isn't your place to determine whether or not she can afford your friendship because it kind of seems like you've put a price tag on it. Don't do the gift giving if it's too much trouble. Just be friends minus the price tag OR don't be but either way, don't let something this small grow into being something so huge. The monetary value of things does not matter. It really is the thought and the friendship that counts. Build memories rather than a collection of things that neither of you like. It's a waste of time and money.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (17 December 2019):
 Gifts are only one way of expressing love. Many people move away from material things as they get older. I'm a couple decades older than you , and I'm leaning towards the Dumbledore definition of a good gift. (warm socks, you can never have too many warm socks) A lot of it is that if I want something I just go buy it. And there's very little that I need.
This christmas season I auditioned for a mixed cast community play. I spent 5-6 weeks rehearsing with a fun bunch of kids and a few adults. I will appreciate that time more than anything my family will give me as presents. I have a present from last year that I looked at this morning. I appreciate it, but I haven't used it once this year.
I don't know what is going on in your friend's life that she is cutting back on presents. But If I was her, these would have been my reasons.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2019): You need to grow up 'friend'.
I feel sorry for your friend as she has been tasked with buying for a high maintenance judgemental so called 'friend' all these years.
How about you be an adult, consider that, actually you may not know her financial state, and agree a lower budget for next year?!
Even better, how about you promise each other an evening out watching a theatre show or meal etc and each pay for the other one, ie 'dutch'.
Not everybody considers Christmas to be about presents and not everybody has $60 laying around to buy a 'friend' who does, a gift.
Bottom line? Be more considerate, consider that she may not want all the fuss, consider she may not have the funds to provide the fuss, and finally consider - what does her friendship really mean to you?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (17 December 2019):
 Why not forgo the gift giving and just go out to a nice lunch together? You really don't know her financial status do you? Perhaps she doesn't have the $$ and doesn't want to admit it or is just tired of the gift giving and isn't putting much effort into it? Who knows? If you are so bothered and she's such a long time friend can't you talk about in a nice non accusing way? I will also bring up "its not the gift its the thought". One of the most precious gift I have is something from my grandmother that cost less than $5. Its the last present I ever got from her before she died. Its all relative OP. If you don't want to be bothered and the whole process is upsetting then stop gift giving.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2019): As for projecting how she feels about your gifts and the cost of those gifts. Which one of you is writing a post about a friend who gives cheap gifts?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2019): How do you presume to know what your friend's financial-situation actually is? Does she show you her paystubs, bills, bank statements, and offer you a quarterly financial-report? You only know what you see on the surface. People are good at keeping-up appearances; not to be judged by people out of pride. She doesn't have to disclose her personal-business when hefty unexpected bills show-up and cut into the budget. In fact, what she has or can afford is none of your business.
Do you assess the value of your relationship by the cost of the gifts? Trying to figure-out and actually buy gifts within a $60 range is difficult; but maybe not for you. By the way, how do you get to judge how good your own gift is? I think it's up to her to decide how she feels about it! Yes, sometimes the gift hits the mark, and sometimes it doesn't. You aren't impressed with her gift, and she's not always overjoyed with yours! Goes both-ways!
Maybe she's just tired of the obligation or repetitiveness of proving friendship through the exchange of gifts. Are you the only one in her life she has to buy gifts for? Does she have a family and other friends? Maybe you don't have as many people to lookout for. Value the giver, not the gift!
Sometimes just having someone to lean on when the world is pressing-down on you is a gift. Having a voice of comfort reassuring you when you've lost a loved-one. A sympathetic-ear that listens to you whine and complain; while you wallow in self-pity. Smiling while enduring your long-winded bragging and exaggerations about your personal good-fortunes. An arm around your shoulders when you feel like you can't take another dose of mishaps in your life. The voice of reason when you make no sense. The arms stretched-out to hold you, when you need a hug! Those gifts are priceless, and that's what friendship means to me. I can give those gifts 24/7; because love gives me the fuel, and God gives me the grace.
It's better to give than receive. Does she have healthcare costs, believe in thriftiness, make investments for the future, does she have kids, or have a house to maintain? Do you actually think she's going to tell you if she is sick and tired having to remember you on Christmas, and your birthday is not such a big-deal to her at your age! No, she'll be a friend and keep it to herself. She'll keep it up, for the love of a friend, and old-times sake!
You are blessed and honored to have someone you may consider your best-friend!
We all set our own priorities. Sometimes you run out of ideas for gifts, and sometimes you don't feel like buying gifts you "have to buy." Sometimes giving when it's not expected feels better. Rather than knowing someones birthday is coming, they're high-maintenance, and you can sense they're expecting you to impress them. Maybe sometimes she's not too impressed by your gifts; because gifting is obligatory, it's not heartfelt or spontaneous.
How do you find it in your heart to complain about a gift or the price-tag on it?
Sometimes the gift is in the giving and the sentiment and love in which it was given...the thought behind it that matters. The price-tag may be expensive. It says you have the finances to splurge, it doesn't really mean how much you care.
Take those inexpensive gifts and put them away. Someday you will treasure them if sudden tragedy should take your friend away, or should long-distance be forced between you unexpectedly. If she stopped wanting to be your friend for no apparent reason, how would it feel? Bear these things in-mind when you put too much emphasis on material things, rather that what you receive from a friend you can't place a price-tag on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 December 2019):
 Talk to her, tell her how about we set the amount to XX dollars (if you she normally seem to spend $20) then set it to that. Or tell her it seems silly to buy present for adults, how about we just go Dutch on a really nice lunch or dinner?
A Christmas gift is not BOUGHT to impress a friend. It's bought to show appreciation for that person and hopefully you are both able to pick out thoughtful gift over a "costly" gift that means nothing.
My best friend and I give each other a gift card EVERY Christmas. So I can take the hubby our for dinner and she can too. The fun is to find a place (in her area) they haven't eaten at yet, and vice verse.
You seem to have forgotten what a present stands for. And she seems to not really WANT to do it so she goes and find "something", "anything" and wrap it.
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