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... Send *ev Conolly a private message | | | *ev Conolly's profile:I'm female, 44 and raised in the western US. I was married first at age 17, which I realised soon after was a rather large mistake! We divorced seven years later, then I travelled around the world, settling in Australia. I met my husband here and we've been together for 18 years, married for 14. I feel much more Australian than I ever felt American.
I wish I knew a lot more about everything than I do, but at least I have a lot of experience at making poor choices in life and correcting them later. That's why I like to provide advice when it's asked for.
As to my pictorial representation... I play the bagpipes. Badly, to be sure, but the best thing about the pipes is, almost no one can tell you don't have any skill!
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Married for a month and my wife has lost interest in sex!
Q. A few months before I got married (just four weeks ago) my wife had to stop taking the pill for health reasons. She seriously dislikes condoms and as a result has lost all motivation towards sex to the point that she's almost scared of it now. She's ...
A. 24 April 2005: For a start, ask her if she thinks there is a problem with the sudden disappearance your sex life. You might be surprised by what she tells you. I suspect she misses the sex and intimacy, but, if she's very sexually conservative, might be ... (read in full...)
He makes me feel worthless, but he doesn't think I can change to suit him...
Q. I have been going out with my boyfriend for 4 months and it's been very difficult. I like him a lot but he doesn't like the way I dress and gets angry at me when I say stupid things - basically he's made me think twice about opening my mouth in case ...
A. 23 April 2005: The answer to your letter is in your question. You say he makes you feel "stupid and worthless" and that you feel "trapped and unhappy" and also that you "can't even talk back or get angry with him". That's not a healthy, loving relationship, de... (read in full...)
I'm pregnant and will soon need to tell my extended family about my secret relationship...
Q. hello I am a Indian sikh girl who has been dating a black west Indian for 3 and a half years. We live together and nothing makes me happier then him. My problem is that Ii've just found out I'm pregnant and obviously now have to tell my fa...
A. 22 April 2005: Congratulations on your pregnancy! Do you think that you could enlist the help of your mum to bring the topic up with your other family members? I can imagine that it would be a prickly subject, but if she were to tell them something along ... (read in full...)
Waiting a year to try again for a baby seems forever... How do I deal with my feelings?
Q. I'm 19 and I lost a baby 2 months ago. It was the most painful thing that I have ever gone through. I wanted our child more than anything in the world and my boyfriend felt the same. We are in a very happy relationship and are very much in love and...
A. 22 April 2005: Please let me express my sympathy for your loss. But don't think that you necessarily have to sweep your feelings aside and pretend that you were never pregnant. Your grief is real and you need to acknowledge it. It would be helpful if you have a ... (read in full...)
I'm ready for a baby, but my husband isn't...
Q. I want to get pregnant but my husband does not. What should I do?...
A. 22 April 2005: Has he said whether this is a "forever" decision, or whether he's just not ready right now? You haven't indicated how old either of you is, whether you have any other children or how long you've been married, but there could be quite a few reas... (read in full...)
He thought our relationship hadn't "progressed" enough, so he cancelled our date...
Q. I met a guy on an internet dating site. He seems level-headed, down to earth, smart and he is very handsome. He also is 43 and has not had a long term relationship in 2 years, and those he has had have been less than a year. He seems to be very set...
A. 22 April 2005: I wouldn't presume to warn you off this guy, (since he seems to meet a lot of important criteria in a prospective partner), but don't forget that there must be reasons that he's 43 and doesn't seem to be able to continue for more than a year in a ... (read in full...)
Head over heels in love with this girl, but I don't know how she feels about me!
Q. Hi I have never used these agony aunt pages before but I have a really bad problem. Well to start off I am a 14 year old boy and I think im in love with this girl I know. I don't know what I should do or say. It's like every time I see her it's lik...
A. 21 April 2005: I think the fact that you still have good conversations and occasional cuddles is a very good sign that she likes you. Girls who don't like you wouldn't be very inclined to do those things. Why would they? So you can count on the fact that she does ... (read in full...)
No sex since January. Does this mean I'm not attractive any more?
Q. I have been with my bf for two+ years and love him so much. He and I have a super relationship. He is 15 years older than me at 38. The problem is that he is really not that interested in sex. We haven't had sex since January and it is killing ...
A. 21 April 2005: Long-term relationships will often go through rocky patches like this. The keys to getting through it are, first, to trust and support your boyfriend, and second, to remember that this is not about you. You seem to be fixated on the idea that, b... (read in full...)
I'm ready to start a family, but my b/f would rather wait another 5 years. What do I do?
Q. Hi I'm 25 yrs and have been with my boyf for 7yrs. He is 35yrs old and just recently I have been getting broody and feel ready to have a baby. We have a beautiful home and our own business. He's not so keen and says that he's not ready and wants to...
A. 20 April 2005: You both need to discuss this matter with a professional counsellor, someone who can dig a little deeper and find out what it is that's troubling your boyfriend so much that, after 7 years together, he still thinks something vital is missing that he ... (read in full...)
He seems interested... but is he?
Q. Sorry to be so cliche, but this is another "does he like me?" question. I like this guy from college. We chat sometimes and get on well, and nearly every time I look across the room at him, he's looking back, and often we seem to hold the gaze for...
A. 20 April 2005: I don't think you're reading too much into it. It sounds to me like he's interested. There could be a number of reasons that he hasn't taken things to that next step, including that he's a bit shy, or maybe he thinks that you're in a social stra... (read in full...)
My partner exchanged 47 emails with someone, but claims "it's just a silly game" with her...
Q. I've got three children and have just found out that my partner has been chatting to someone since last September. I accidentally came across them on Sunday. On Monday morning I got up early and found 47 e mails to and from each other. I read the...
A. 20 April 2005: I'm so sorry to hear that you're in this situation, and I think your assessment of the situation is correct: it sounds like your husband is sorry he's been caught, not sorry that he deceived you and betrayed your trust. The reason I say that, is t... (read in full...)
Been with my partner for 7 years, but I've fallen for someone else...
Q. I have been with my partner for 7 years and we have a baby together, but I think I've fallen for someone else who could be the one. What should I do?...
A. 19 April 2005: There's a reason that "The 7 Year Itch" is a famous phrase... Human relationships seem geared to go through difficult phases about every 7 years, which, if you think about it primally, is just about enough time for a couple to meet, fall madly in ... (read in full...)
Should a woman make the first move if she's interested?
Q. Is it okay for a woman to make the first move to let a guy know she is interested, or will he think she is easy? ...
A. 19 April 2005: Of course it's OK. I've always found most guys are both flattered and relieved when a woman asks them out. The perception of "easy" - or not - would come AFTER the date, I suspect, and what the woman was, and was not, willing to do. If you're... (read in full...)
My dream guy is 17, but I'm only 13 and I don't know if my mom will let me go out with him!
Q. I'm in love with this 17 year old but I'm 13 and he likes me, but I don't know how much. If we did go out I could only go out with him for 4 months befor he goes illegal! What do i do? I don't even know if my mom will allow me to go out with him...
A. 19 April 2005: Hi Sweetie, Be sure you're not putting the cart before the horse. Before you fall completely in love, it might be wise to think about whether his actions indicate that he's really interested in you. Your 17-year-old may well "like" you,... (read in full...)
We had a mad fling, now he seems terrified that I'm going to let on...
Q. I'm single, and I've just finished having an affair with a married man, but we both live close to each other. When I see him on his own, I say "Hi how are you?" He says "I'm fine, how are you?" I say, "Fine thanks", and walk away. But if he's wit...
A. 19 April 2005: Next time you see him privately, do mention that you're concerned he's worrying more than he needs to. Tell him that your secret is safe and also make all the comments in your letter. It'll put his mind at ease. After that, the ball is in his... (read in full...)
How do I get past this awkward post-breakup stage?
Q. I was having an affair with a man who lives in the same village as me. It's over now. We used to talk before it all happened, now people have noticed that we don't really talk to each other when we are in the pub or shop. I just want him to act n...
A. 18 April 2005: This is one of those really sticky situations that can be handled pretty well by pretending it didn't happen. After all, it's so awkward right now that you both probably wish it didn't, right? Next time you see him in town - particularly if ... (read in full...)
Will masturbation affect my health?
Q. I am a 15 yr old girl and I masturbate alot. Is this dangerous or will it affect my health?...
A. 18 April 2005: Totally agree with the previous answer. You can masturbate to your heart's content without fear. One side benefit is that you'll sleep better and feel less stressed. Another is that you won't be so keyed up and easily manipulated into having sex ... (read in full...)
I guess I'm ready to settle down and marry my gf... but there's no spark, no thrill and very little sex...
Q. I am due to marry my g/f in 2 months and in turmoil! I'm 34, shes 32. We have been living together for nearly 5 years pretty much as man and wife. We have joint ownership of our 2 houses(rent the second one out). Even from the beginning she was neve...
A. 18 April 2005: No! Don't get married. At least not now and to this woman. Please do both of you a favour and postpone the vows. One thing I can tell you about marriage is that it guarantees that you'll get "more of the same", every morning, every afternoon,... (read in full...)
I'm scared of my abusive boyfriend
Q. Please help I just got beaten very badly and need advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. He and I have had a completely trustful, honest, supportive relationship. Yet every now and then it can be a verbally abusive ...
A. 14 April 2005: Please, please, please look in the phone book right now and dial up your local police. Ask to speak to the domestic abuse liaison officer. This is a specially-trained social worker, who understands abused women and how they think. She will tell you ... (read in full...)
I thought love meant someone would protect you, but he ran off and left me in strife!
Q. My 17 yr old boyfriend caused some trouble for himself with some 14 & 15 yr olds. I stopped them from beating him up by distracting them, but instead of standing his ground & protecting me, he ran off & left me on my own. He says he loves me. He s...
A. 14 April 2005: Hmmm. So your boyfriend ran off because he wasn't sure whether they had a knife. OK... but I'd be asking him: what if they had? And he'd just left you there? I think your b/f panicked, which is a normal response. In his defense (sort of) he pro... (read in full...)
I know he's only using me for sex... but how do I resist him?
Q. Dear Dr Mel, I lost my virginity at 14 to ''the boy that everyone fancies''. It was a drunken night . It was his birthday, and as I had met him the week before [at the same club], and as we were texting each other all that week, I naively thought he ...
A. 12 April 2005: If you start to feel like you're giving in to yet another of his requests for superficial sex, ask yourself, "Exactly what do I get out of this?" You've answered this question pretty conclusively in your post: He treats you like sh*t, he goes wi... (read in full...)
Maybe he'll want me back if I change, but in the meantime I'm "not what he wants"...
Q. One month ago I was dumped. He told me I wasn't what he wanted anymore. We were best friends, done most things together and I know we both loved each other inside out. A couple of months ago things changed. He wanted to go out every Saturday...
A. 11 April 2005: If he thinks that you'll "always be there for him" or that he can take you and leave you as it suits him, then maybe you need to not be so available to him. He's taking you for granted and you've as much as laid down on the floor with a sign on y... (read in full...)
My perfect guy wants his other boyfriend to move in with him... but I want ME as his partner!
Q. I need help! I'm gay and I found my perfect on chat. We love each other very much but I knew from the start he already had a bf and I was willing to accept it. But now his bf has asked him to move in with and I want to do that! I have asked hi...
A. 11 April 2005: I'm sorry sweetie, but it sounds like you're being treated like the 'Plan B' boyfriend. Nothing that's in your letter has suggested to me that your guy led you to believe that he'd leave his current b/f for you. You say that you asked him "many ... (read in full...)
My folks hate my girlfriend, but I love her. Do I choose their way or mine?
Q. I have a g/f and she asked me out. We are dedicated to each other and see each other most of the time. My parents are split up so I see her every other week. My Dad and Stepmum hate her. I love her, shes my g/f. Do I listen to my parents or choose ...
A. 11 April 2005: The descision is ultimately yours, but having said that, your folks have a lot of years of experience between them, so it's worth considering their opinion. Ask them (or ask yourself) why they "hate" her? Is is because she looks or dresses a cer... (read in full...)
Please tell me exactly what to say to ask out the girl I like!
Q. Dear Mr./Mrs./Master/Ms. I have recieved info on whether I should ask a girl out or not and now I need to know how. And when I say go out I don't mean it literally. I mean to become b/f and g/f. OK? Anyway, we don't go to the same secondary school...
A. 11 April 2005: Hi, First of all, don't worry. This girl is just a girl. Probably a really nice one, and probably pretty attractive, but she's not Miss Universe crossed with a dragon, so she's not going to laugh at you or bite your head off! ;o) If she's app... (read in full...)
We're great together and I want to move beyond chatting and phone calls. What do I do?
Q. Hi there, I've recently met a girl out off a chatroom, and she is so amazing. She emails me telling me how much she loves me and I feel exactly the same, think I'm falling in love with her! I've rang her a couple of times also and we get on so...
A. 11 April 2005: It's great that you've found someone that you hit it off so well with, so maybe it's time to consider meeting in person. I'm assuming that this is physically possible for you both? She doesn't live overseas or in a distant country? (If so, that ... (read in full...)
I used to be the one to break it off with girls, but now that I want committment, they're breaking off with me...
Q. Hi, I am having a bit of a pattern in my love life at the mo and want to fix it... Basically when I was at school I always had girlfriends and then I had my most serious relationship when I left school, which carried on until halfway through ...
A. 9 April 2005: Maybe you need to look at what's attracting you to the girls who don't want you to commit. Are you still going out with the same sorts of fun/party/"do anything TO anything" girls that might have been the choice of a younger You? These would be ... (read in full...)
Got pregnant, had an abortion... but since I told him, he hasn't contacted me once.
Q. I started going out with this man from work last February. I knew that he was living with another woman with whom he was not married and that they had a son together but they were no longer living as a couple as they could not get along or ...
A. 9 April 2005: This guy has shown his true colours again and again, and, hon, he's not worth feeding. Just to reiterate his past: He cheated on a woman he was living with. After you'd been with him for months, by your own account, he went "weird" and stop... (read in full...)
My mum thinks I smoke and she harps on it all the time...
Q. Hi, I'm having some trouble with my mum. I'm 12 and my mam thinks I smoke. I don't know why, but she does. Every time a non-smoking advert comes on telly she looks at me and tuts. I'm really fed up of it. I don't smoke. I only have taken 1 dra...
A. 9 April 2005: Your mum probably smelt the smoke on you that one time that you took a drag and now she's worried that you're going to get addicted, because you did it once. Next time she does her tutt-tutting, tell her that you agree. Tell her that you tried i... (read in full...)
My friends just won't leave him alone... and I think it's driving him away!
Q. Dear Cupid, I just cannot seem to figure out my crush!I mean,one minute,he's standing beside me with his arm around me and calling me sexy,but another minute it's like he doesn't even know me. I think part of the problem is my friends.They jus...
A. 9 April 2005: Hi Sarah, Worry less about your crush and more about your supposed "friends"! Why would they carry on like this, lying to you and embarrassing him? Sounds like they're childish, jealous and self-centred. Try to spend some time with your crush ... (read in full...)
Are my children the reason that she won't spend time with me?
Q. I have been with my girlfriend for over 5 years. Over the last two years she has preferred to spend about one third of her holiday time with her elderly parents instead of with me. I am never consulted about times so it has meant that I have had...
A. 8 April 2005: She seems to be making her feelings pretty clear. I'm sorry to say I think your assessment of the situation is correct. She's told you that she doesn't like being with your children and that you'd be better off with someone who does. I think th... (read in full...)
Did she cheat on me... and what should I do?
Q. Should I end it with my girlfriend because she kissed someone?...
A. 8 April 2005: This one's not really black-and-white; you need to think about the circumstances surrounding the kiss. How long have you been going out? A long time (months, years) or just a few weeks? Has your girl been trustworthy up until now? Has sh... (read in full...)
If I tell her my true feelings about her, I risk losing her friendship... but I want her to know!
Q. I have fallen in love with one of my best friends, but she does not know how I feel for her. We are both 17 and go to the same sixth form college. My feelings for her have grown over time, and I want to tell her how I really feel. I wish that th...
A. 8 April 2005: All is not lost! You sound like a sweetheart of a young man and you have good instincts, too. Yes, you're right to value the friendship that you two have over any romantic potential. Friendship will see you through your whole life, but it could ... (read in full...)
My mom won't allow me to see my 20-year-old boyfriend and I don't understand it!
Q. I'm 15 and I had a secret boyfriend who has just turned 20. Recently my mom just found out and broke us apart. I'm allowed no contact at all and I feel like I love him but nobody gives me support. Is it reallly that wrong?...
A. 8 April 2005: Sometimes we're our own worst enemies. See, part of the reason that your mom doesn't trust you is that you kept this guy a "secret" from her. Right away, that's a red flag to any mother of a 15-year-old daughter! She's thinking "Oh geez, if thi... (read in full...)
Two years of sex with my partner and I'm not pregnant. Could I be infertile?
Q. I am a 22yr old female with a 4yr old daughter. I have been with my current partner for 2yrs but haven't caught pregnant. I have slept with someone else before him and wonder if it's possible that I may be infertile all of a sudden??? Or maybe it...
A. 8 April 2005: There are a lot of "if"s in answer to your question. Yes, you could have become infertile in the last 5 years, since you became pregnant with your daughter. That could have been the result of some of the trauma of childbirth (scarring, for e... (read in full...)
What's the definition of "virginity", exactly?
Q. Is it possible for a woman to have intercourse several times without losing her virginity?? And if so in what percentage can this phenomena occur?? Is this true or false?...
A. 7 April 2005: Sorry, no. By definition, a virgin has not had intercourse - by which I mean penetrative sex - with anyone.... (read in full...)
He says I'm nagging, but I just want to know where we stand...
Q. I've been with my partner for 4 years we've had some rough times but got through. He suffers with panic and anxiety attacks which get him down but we've got through them. We have a 2yr old son whom we both adore. My partner has recently told me ...
A. 7 April 2005: Your partner sounds like he might be suffering from depression. Has anything happened recently in his life that might have triggered it, things like loss of a friend, or family member, an accident, or problems with his job? He really seems to ... (read in full...)
Feel like I'm his ATM. Am I helping him or is he taking advantage?
Q. Is my boyfriend using me? Me and my b/f have been dating on and off for 3 years and because he used to live in the States it was quite difficult. Anyway while he went back there, they refused him entry into the country. Around Jan and he asked me ...
A. 7 April 2005: That's because, so far, you have been taken for a ride. Or rather, you've given him a free one. I can't see any of the normal give-and-take of relationships in your letter. He seems happy to sponge off whomever will allow it: you, the government, ... (read in full...)
He just won't open up and tell me stuff, like I tell him! Is he out of love with me?
Q. Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for just over seven months now, and I tell him everything. I confide in him and tell him all of my emotions and things. I see him as someone I can tell anything to, and that he is like my best friend. The only thi...
A. 7 April 2005: Whoa! Slow down, Sarah-Rose! You're making much more of this than there needs to be and you're worrying yourself needlessly. Here's the kernal of my advice in small words, so you don't have to read the rest of this if you don't want to: GUYS ... (read in full...)
My brother intervened between me and a 16-yr-old boy, now he's stopped talking to me...
Q. My problem is I'm 13 and me and this guy used to talk occasionally, but not any more, since my brother told him that I liked him. I guess he thought is was awkward to talk to me, but now he doesn't talk to me at ALL! But the biggest dilemma is he's ...
A. 7 April 2005: At the age you are now, the years between you seem like an insurmountable gulf, but they're not. Not really. You'll see that eventually, and so will he. If this boy really likes you, he'll find a way to show it. You only have to look at this col... (read in full...)
My b/f is pressuring me to have sex... and I lied and said I wasn't a virgin!
Q. My boyfriend wants me to have sex with him but I don't know if I should, cos I want to save myself until my wedding night. But I lied to him so he thinks I have already had sex before with someone else, when I haven't. I feel like he's pressuri...
A. 7 April 2005: First things first: you shouldn't ever have sex with someone just to shut them up. If you do, you're cheapening the entire act and the dismissing the intimacy that you clearly regard as an important part of a very special relationship. Yo... (read in full...)
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