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anonymous
writes: Dear Dr Mel, I lost my virginity at 14 to ''the boy that everyone fancies''. It was a drunken night . It was his birthday, and as I had met him the week before [at the same club], and as we were texting each other all that week, I naively thought he liked me. So after A LOT of persuasion from him I went back to his and we had sex. That was about 6 months ago. Ever since then it has been on and off. He goes through stages of calling me and asking him round to his when we will inevitably just have sex. I have had enough as recently we are going through the stages of not talking to each other again, and he goes with lots of girls in front of me. How do I avoid him and make myself strong enough to resist him? Please help, it's really depressing me as he was my first and he's treating me like shit and it's doing nothing for my confidence and I don't want to be weighed down by this when my exams start as it's also caused me to stop eating so I can have a nice body for him. He is ruining my life. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2010): I think everyone who put a comment on here has a "love addiction" problem. I found out I have that too and it is awful. I found out by watching the show "Dr. Drew." I do the same thing, I say "just be strong and don't answer the phone." And as soon as it rings, I jump to get it. It's ridiculous. You can try googling "love addiction." I even bought a book on it. It says you have to go through a 12 step problem. Love addiction is when a person shows even just 1% of love or attention (not even 99%, but just 1%)to you, since we didn't have that love growing up, we jump for it.
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female
reader, girl1  +, writes (15 February 2009):
I have the same problem. I have had a HUGE crush on this friend of the family for probably 3 years now, I have always wanted to be with him. He recently started to talk to me and I was in my glory. We hung out for the first time and we had sex. It was something I will never forget because I have had such strong feelings for him , but I doubt he felt the same way. We have hung our afew times after that but just do things sexually. I know that when he wants to hang out those are the only intentions he has but since I have feelings for him I can't say no and sit by the phone waiting for him. I know we are supposed to provide support and help you but I just want to let you know there are many girls out there with the same problem. I would love for him to feel the way about me as I do about him but i know that will never happen. I guess we have to work up enough courage to just say no and find someone who will share the same feelings we have and give the same love back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): Hiya im 17 n his 25 n we wud have been having sex for abowt 4-5 months now n i hated it he rung me every now and again say bout once a week not even that sumtimes n says cum meet me come 2 mine so yeah like a dickhead i ended up going n the more you see them the worst it gets.so when i wasnt in my town i ignored him wen he tried ringing me one saturday night,the next saturday ignored it n i swear down now if you ignore them n get on wiv sumink else u start to not even really think about them now i think eer what was i thinking.so trust me n take my advice on ignoring the fone calls put your phone on silent n it wont tempt u to answer it.and anyway the more you ignore the pricks they will start to think i wonder what shes up to n trust me it makes sum jealus lol.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2008): If you know this man is just using you the obvious question to the answer is to leave him and to find someone new. however if you have feelings for that person its a bit tricky. to cut a long story short no one can make you resist him apart fom yourself. you need to find it within yourself to rid yourself of the spiteful creature. if you leave it too long you will end up like me in love with a married man who has no intentions to leave his family for me. when i mean too long i mean four years, yeah thats right i've been in this boat for four years now and i'm only 21 with no way out because i've just accepted this as my life. Its only now that i've finally realised what i need to do to get over him. i need closure. once and for all i need to close this book and never open again. it will be hard but the light is near....nearer than i think
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): Ok I have been in this situation before. You have to drop him bad. Don't answer his phone calls. Guys are not stupid and they like to turn things around and make it seem like it's you who had the choice. Leave him before it's too late and by that I mean getting pregnant. Mistakes can happen and it's something a girl in your situation would never think about before it's too late. Drop the guy and have a new self awakening. You deserve better than that. You really do.Believe me you don't want to spend the rest of your life with a bastard like that just cause you had his baby.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2007): your question and the answers above have given me a whole bunch of strength.story? he just graduated, hes two years older and all of a sudden he took interest in me. we talked we hung out, he left me sweet little messages and brought me random, but sweet gifts sometimes. he always offerd to pick me up and he always called me.i gave him my virginity way too soon thinking he would stick around. he always told me i was gorgeous and how he'd always be there if i needed him, and he was only a phone call away. BULLSHIT.he stopped the frequent phone calls, and text messages and narrowed them down to maybe once every 3 weeks to "hang out, maybe catch a bite to eat and go to a movie". More like hang out in his bedroom.i feel used and pathetic and angry and frustrated. more than anything, i feel hurt.the worse part? i know the next time he calls, i'll be wherever he wants me to be in mere minutes.im pathetic, and i know it.i think realizing that is the first step.step 2 would be telling him that i cant go out tonight.be strong ladies.we all deserve so much more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): Hi. I'm very new to the concept of writing to an agony Aunt online. But if I can help others by sharing my own experiences then that's great. So here goes.. This question of "I know he's using me for sex, but I can't resist it" has been plaging me for nearly a year, since I started seeing a teacher at the school I'm working at. So I started my new teaching job in Japan, and in the first week I was approached by the school's handsome basketball coach. He asked me to go drinking with him be that evening, and we had such a good time together. I found him very fun to be around. He was alo extremely flattering to me. Even though his English wasnt too fluent I stil felt a very strong Chemistry! Even he mentioned briefly that he was married with two small kidsI still felt that I could stop seeing him any time I wanted. Wrong..a year has passed since then, and the relationship developed from his constantly wanted to see me and take me out, to, just coming over to my apartment every second day, to once a week now once a month! So I am expecting a call any day now at about 2am. I have felt very used and depressed lately. My friends are sick to death of the whole problem of him hurting me. It shouldnt have gone on for this long. When he calls around he's always been to at least 3 bars with his friends. And he leaves straight after weve had sex. It is beautiful for me but not so for him! So it has been grad. getting worse and worse. I have the same problem, whereby I cant say no to it. Even if it is once a month now. If the phone rings even at 2am I leap up outa bed to get it! I know hes using me, and he knows that I"m easy! I never thought I could be so pathetic, and think that I love someone that treats me like this. Suggestions I have had is to simply take the phone plug out. But its not that easy. I find myself missing him all the time, and wondering what hes doing! I know in time I will eventually get over it and not wake up depressed anymore! Sorry to burble on about my problem, when I am supposed to be giving an answer to the question. But, you guys are not alone, and when I read your article it reassured me. We have to find that strength within us, that I know deep down we ALL possess, and respect ourselves. If we dont than no-one else is going to!!! (Sounds like cliche)Next time he rings, I will say "no thanks" in as casual voice as possible! And I hope you will do the same!Thanks.All the Best on your missionBe Strong, you CAN do it!!!K
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2005): Hey I am kinda in the same place you are the guy I am see now well he took my virgenity and he promises that he won't hurt me but I don't beleve him cause of what other guys have done to me the only thing I can tell you is to not talk to him at all My ex fucked me then left me and I stoped talking to him period but it don't help when I have to work with him and he knows I'm mad at him and he is woundering why.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (12 April 2005):
 If you start to feel like you're giving in to yet another of his requests for superficial sex, ask yourself, "Exactly what do I get out of this?"You've answered this question pretty conclusively in your post: He treats you like sh*t, he goes with other girls in front of you, it's depressing you, it's ruining your life. Those are all your quotes, remember.Then remind yourself that this is NOT what you want from a relationship. Honestly - and not meaning to be too brutal, because I'm on your side - even whores get more out of their customers than you're getting from this guy. At least whores get paid. All you get is left behind and treated like yesterday's porridge.The reason that you keep giving in to him is that you don't think that your needs are very important and for one reason or another, you don't think anyone else will want you. But hey, you're only 15 years old! You've only been going out for a matter of months! There are thousands - millions - of guys in the world, and most of them would be more than willing to treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. Go out with some other guys and find that out.This situation reminds me of the phrase "casting pearls before swine". This guy you're occasionally with doesn't appreciate what you're giving him and in treating you with contempt, he's showing what a thoughtless and uncaring person he is. Like the biblical pigs, he's trampling pearls (you) into the mud.It might be hard for a little while, but put your backbone into it, and the next time he comes around expecting sex, think about how his treatment of you is resulting in how awful you feel. Remind yourself that time wasted with this guy is time you could be spending with someone who loves and wants you. Remember that you get nothing from him, except used and discarded... and potentially pregnant or infected with disease.Now, when you're full of good, old, honest-to-god righteous wrath about the imbalance in your relationship, you can smile malevolently at him and say, "No. I don't think so".Be brave! We're on your side.
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