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*londe bunny
writes: I want to get pregnant but my husband does not. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, catholicwife  +, writes (26 August 2009):
You guys, my suggestion is for you to change your birth control method. Ok, bear with me, and PLEASE be open-minded, nowadays our society has a very different view on sex, than what God intended it to be to begin with (many of you dont believe in God but I cant help you there... at least not right now). I mean, sex is seen as recreation, rather than the ultimate physical expression of love when two people renew their love for each other and are open to creating life. I was just like the next modern woman, wanting children at some point, my then fiance was skeptical and wanted perhaps ONE after we got married. Well, my husband and I had to go to pre-marital counseling before we got married a few years ago. We were engaging in premarital sex and everything did the pill, the condom (before we had the pre-marital counseling), and well we began the course, we sat down and talked to the deacon who was counseling us, and he did a great job explaining to us how much better Natural Family Planning is (this is not the rhythm method). NFP is an amazing, natural way to plan your family, and even to conceive because you are more aware of your fertile days and you both get to discuss and plan month by month whether you want a child or not. Needless to say, we talked about it, and listened, kept an open mind and saw a couple of dvds on the matter, and we were hooked. BOTH OF US. We stopped engaging in pre-marital sex and waited until we got married.I cannot tell you ENOUGH how much NFP has changed my life, and our life as a married couple. With NFP the divorce rates are practically non-existent, communication is much better (because both of you have to help each other measure and determine what days you can or cant have sex), sex life is great because you are both not only open to life EACH TIME, but you are taught to abstain yourself from certain days to avoid pregnancy which teaches self discipline and appreciation for your spouse (where you value each other for the company, not only for the sexual act),not to mention when done properly, it is 98-99% effective when trying to avoid pregnancy.-- And like i said, if you are trying to get pregnant, it is also fantastic because you know pretty much on the spot which days are better for you to conceive. I hope I explained it well, but if i didnt here are the books I recommend, and the dvd's.-Contraception, why not? By Janet E. Smith, PhD (DVD)-The Good News about Sex and Marriage, By Christopher West (Book)-Fertility Cycles and Nutrition by Marilyn Shannon (Book if you are trying to get pregnant, and you are habing problems, also a great read for women with irregular cycles or problematic menstruations!)Please try it! You have nothing to lose, and SO MUCH to gain! :) Good Luck, and God bless you all!
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female
reader, Lonely247 +, writes (3 February 2009):
I am in the same boat as everyone else.
I am 24 and my husband is 26. We have been dating since we were in High School and have been married for 2.5 years. We always talk about children... watch TONS of shows on children (Jon and Kate plus 8 is our favorite) but I can NEVER get him to commit to a date to have a child. We have decided to have one and I go off my pill and then he changes his mind. I always wonder if it has something to do with the child we couldnt keep when we were kids. We got pregnant at 16 and 18 and decided not to have the child. I think about WHAT IF all the time. What would the baby look like... who would he/she be? I start to wonder if my husband thinks about this too and this is why he wont commit to trying to have a child.
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female
reader, loopylau  +, writes (1 November 2008):
I'm in exactly in the same situtation. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 2 years. We enjoy travelling and had always said we'd get it out of the way and then concentrate on a family. after a year and a half of marriage I made sure he was still ok with starting a family and he said yes when he was 30 i'd be 26. So now comes the time to start thinking about a time to start and he now say he doesn't want children, his response Whay spoil what we have. I feel so hurt I've been with him since I was 17 we spoke about this before we got married and I feel like I've been spun a line for so long, I've tried to change his mind but I can't even bring up the subject with out it turning into some heated discussion. Men Why are they here???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): I am 26 years od and my Husband is 32 this year. We have been together for almost 7 years married for 6. Before we discussed getting married we both wanted children. After we were married it was well we should waith a few years, then a few years came its well, we should wait another year or two. I promise, he tells me we will have a baby in a year or two. Its always one excuse or another. The other day we had a discussion about planning a date to start trying. It is going to take us a while to concive due to some female problems that i have. The doctor also told me that it would be dangerous to the baby for me to get pregnant too late into my 30's. For me my time seems to be running out. Back to our discussion the other day. He starts throwing up in the middle of the discussion and starts nervously laughing. He says he just is not ready and dosent know if he ever will. He says hes 50/50 about it. What do I do? I want a baby so much that it hurts physically and mentally and emotionally. Do i leave him or resent him for the rest of our marriage?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): I'm 37 and my husband is 32. We've been married 4 years and have no children. We both were not really interested in having children before we got married. But now I do. Complete shock to me too. But he's not budging. I feel obsessed and frustrated and have no idea what to do at this point. I love him like crazy and want us to both want this. It's the most maddening situation because there is no compromise. And why should I ask him to change his mind when I feel like I can't change my own? I don't know what the answer is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): My friend is having the same problem. Did you speak about having babies before you got married? In her case, they did and he has always said to her that he wanted children but it's never been the right time for them to start. They have been married for 5 years and he has always said - maybe in a year - but when the time comes he makes up another poor excuse for not starting a family. I think that if your husband can't commit after that long he's NEVER going to be ready and you really have to rethink whether or not you can accept that. On the other hand if you really tell him how your feeling you might be able to convince him to make a decision about when to start trying in the near future - make him commit to a date and stick to it!!! NO MORE EXCUSES! No woman should ever be denied a baby when she wants one with all her heart and if your husband loves you enough he will understand that and come around :-) GOOD LUCK!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): My husband has really come around lately, we found that having a mediator sit in with us while we talked about it really helped us to see where each other was coming from...try it, it's worth a go, especially if you really do love each other.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2008): Hi - I'm double your age (44) and very painfully in the same position, though I got married at 39. My husband doesn't see any urgency, either. Men can be so dumb .. and downright selfish! Not having been allowed to have a baby has wrecked my life, so my advice to you is do anything rather than go there! As you can't gain your man's agreement to starting a family, it seems to me that at 22 you've still got a few choices: a) remain the loving wife and hope he'll change his mind (but don't bet on it - you could end up like me, resenting your husband) b) get pregnant 'by accident' and accept the consequences c) swap your husband for a man who does want kids with you. I know a split won't be fun, but you'll probably reget the loss of your opportunity to have a family of your own more than the loss of your husband. There's a lot more I could add about how painful it is to have your dream denied to you, but let me just urge you to do something NOW to prevent that happening to you in the future.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): My husband and I have been together for 2 yrs totaling now, im 22 and he is going on 30 this year and We have been talking about having kids one day, but my one day is a different one day than his. When i talk to him about it all I get is after we move or im not ready yet because i have to prove im a good husband. If he wasn't a good husband I wouldn't be with him. When i ask him about it he's trying to prove these things to himself, when its not the object at issue. He is like one day. Well to me one day is not when im old,grey and wishing i had done things differently. I try putting my trust in God but when I talk to my husband about all this I can never get a straight answer. I think like the rest of everyone im stuck on this one. It feels like one day is never. I watch everyone around me with kids and find myself looking the other way because it hurts to watch it, hard to explain but all I get is the same answer over and over. Help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): I am married to the most amazing man... We have been together for 1 year and 10 mths and married for 10 mths... We knew early on that we wanted to spend our lives together... I moved in his apartment after a month of dating, then we rented the house we live in now after only 4 months of dating... He asked me to marry him after 6 months and we got married 1 year and 1 week after we started seeing each other... Even though we married so soon after we started dating, we both knew what each other wanted in life... We were both smart to ask questions that most people are afraid to ask, children being the most important one... I will back up a little bit... I was married before... I met my first husband when I was 15 through my best friend... He was also 15... We dated all through high school and got engaged after being together for 5 years... He all of a sudden said he wasn't ready for a commitment, so we broke off the engagement... One of the reasons was that I wanted children and he didn't... After 9 months of being apart, but still hanging out as friends, and after I started dating someone else, he decides that he does want children... We both still loved each other very much, but the children thing was what got in the way... We got back together and started planning our wedding... We were married for 6 years when we finally started trying for a baby... The thing that really upset me though was that he couldn't talk about having a baby... He could makes jokes or just kid around with the idea, but he never made it serious... I guess I had got use to the idea of everytime I asked if we could start trying, he would say that it just isn't the right time or we aren't financially ready for a baby yet, I couldn't get use to the idea of actually trying to get pregnant... It made me start thinking about things... I didn't want to have a baby with someone that truly didn't want to have a baby at all... I couldn't get that out of my mind... It ruined our relationship... I knew he loved me, it wasn't about that at all... I loved him too, but that love came to be more friendly over time... I thought of him as my best friend, not my lover... All that time we were together I thought he wanted the same thing as I did, but I was wrong... I felt betrayed... I don't have any ill feelings towards him now, because I know I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be, but it was the hardest thing I had to deal with... The feelings I have for wanting a baby is not something you can just push aside and forget about until someone else is ready to think about it... I had to do that for years... Now, I still want a baby, but I want time with my husband first... I know he wants children with me and I know he can openly talk to me about children... It makes a huge difference... I think knowing that I can come to him and openly talk to him about children makes it so much easier... I want my time with my husband before we have a baby... I know when we do get pregnant we will both be ready and it will be the greatest experience of our lives... I'm sorry for such a long reply, but I hope this might have helped someone...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): What is the matter with these men? Aren't men supposed to genetically be programmed to "spread the seed"? My husband is the same!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2008): My husband is similar but doesn't want to commit to trying at any particular time and keeps coming up with new excuses. It's ruining our marriage and I think may be the end of us. It's a very difficult issue which I think people don't consider enough before they get married. If one of you just doesn't want kids it's such a let down for the other one. I feel betrayed. The love goes out of the relationship on both sides because the one that doesn't want them feels pressured and misunderstood whereas the one that does want kids feels cheated. So make sure you know whether kids are on the cards before you get married is my advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): Hello, it's me again " female reader, (18 October 2007)".
My husband is a lovely man and I do think he has been a bit depressed lately, work, family and health issues all coming at once. I guess coming at him with another big thing at this time wasn't great timing! We spoke with a counsellor who, of course, couldn't help much but did suggest we took an agreed break from talking about babies and we stuck to that as best we could. We had a specific date on the calendar for our next discussion. Well that discussion was last week and initally I was upset about what I heard but to be honest it was actually really positive, I was just hoping for too much too soon! We put the discussion on hold for another week and opened up again yesterday and we seem to have a tentative plan...to start trying in the Autumn/Winter of 2008. It seems like quite a way off I know but this gives us both time to get over some of the things that have made my husband feel low, sort his job out, time to get stronger from illness, and more time for him to get used to the idea. I am so excited but I realise this is a tentative plan and still to be honed. My husband realises this time that if he says we are going to try it will be for real unless something truely significant happens. He has apologised for not sticking to his agreement for us to start trying when I reached 34, he is sincere. It is scary to thing that your life will change forever once that baby arrives but it just takes a different course, it doesn't end...does it??!! I am a bit scared too. So I would suggest that anyone else out there tries taking an agreed break and then coming back to the discussion. During our break I sincerely tried not to influence my husband, even though a couple of times I got tearful over baby related things, when he asked why I was upset I wouldn't give details. I also tried to think of things from his point of view and consider whether I am being selfish, I tried to open my mind up to the possiblity of a life without children and I thought I could see how it wouldn't be the end of my life but again a change to a different direction. The main thing I kept thinking of is how much I love my husband and I guess he has kept thinking that too. So I will post again with the next installment when I have something for you, whether positive or negative.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): What on earth was the "male" attempting to get at (August 20, 2007)? Sweetheart, you must be an immature, unaware, self-important college student, repressed fag or pissed off husband. Although several people, male and female, procreate for selfish reasons, having a child requires more giving than receiving and in terms of overall selfishness, I cant think of anything less selfish, atleast for the evolved parents, regardless of their initial reasoning for having a child. None of the "research" you have been conducting has adequately educated you on the subject matter. You better ask for a refund on your college tuition b/c you, my dear, got hosed!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2007): I am going through the same thing most other women are going through on this page.Except that I(35yrs) got pregnant with my fiance(46yrs) last year - we miscarried within 2mths.Now a year and a half later I am asking the questions "when are we getting married, when are we having a child".I told him before he ever asked me to marry him that I would marry him but I had to have a child.He agreed.Now he says he is not sure and does not know when he will be sure about having a child.(he already has a son - 16yrs) I am hurt and angry - I am scared - and am already starting to resent him for not giving me a straight answer.I was sooo excited when I got pregnant last year and he was too.But then after the miscarriage he said he wanted me to wait a while and get healthy - Now I am healty and now he does not know if he wants a child .We are not married yet - but are supposed to be getting married soon.The fact is I dont think I can marry a man IF HE DOES break such a huge promise.THIS IS THE ONLY LIFE I HAVE- and NO I will not be O.K. without what I desire most in life-I will just keep praying and hope God will give me the answers.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): Find something to occupy your time. Children are a pain in the ass. Why do you want one? Because you are capable of bearing a child you think you need to have them?
The women that divorce their husbands over the issue of children forgot about the "death do us part" thing. They are just looking to be a sperm receptacle, in which case, they should have spared the men the misery and went to a sperm bank.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2007): The male reader that said there is nothing more selfish or ego driven or blah blah blah than bringing a child into the world must be some sub human, with a dead heart. He may be the single most selfish person in the whole wide world really if you start thinking about his comments. It is the only logical step after two people are married to have a family. Face it buddy, we are animals and animals want to ensure their survival. Yes in some countries they are working damn hard on it and are overpopulating but we can't really change that now can we? In my opionion there is nothing more selfish than depriving a woman of her maternal instinct and denying her a baby. We are women and we want babies. It's our body that has to endure everything that comes with pregnancy and birth so too bad you don't feel ready for one. You are never going to feel ready for one because there are reasons why and reasons why not to have a child. Having a child is not something that should be up for debate. A woman is ready to have one, the man makes her one. It's that simple. For the 23 year old, don't have kids yet. If you are 23 and have been witht his guy for 8 years already your marriage will probably fail since 75% of the ones that marry early fail anyway. Just because your friends are doing it doesn't make it right. And just to prove the fact that you are not ready for a kid is the comment you made that most kids are a 20 year commitment. Kids are a life time commitment my dear and you better recognize that before you start procreating.
To those of you who are over 30 years old and have husbands who don't want to have kids and are saying no for ever I don't think that they deserve you. In order to keep them from resenting you (not having a baby) you will give up one of the strongest urges and dreams in your life and you will end up resenting them. The relationship no matter how much love and understanding there is between you will fail if you start resenting him for such a strong thing. No one on this earth can deny you the right to be a mother, only God. So, don't go in with an ultimatum but tell your selfish husbands that this is what you want, if he doesn't want any children you need to part your ways and find someone who is willing to give you the thing you want most of all. Men are very selfish beings and they like to be #1 in everyone's schedule and it's hard for them to face that they will fall to #2 once the baby is there. It shouldn't be that way but if they would help a little more with the baby, maybe they would get something in return. But God forbid they miss a football, baseball, basketball, soccer or whatever game in order to spend time with family. Of course, not all men are like this, but most are and most are afraid that they will never be taken care of after they have kids. They are very wrong about this but try to convince them of it and they won't listen. Bottom line is, since having a family is a logical step after we get married (I thought that would be the only reason to get married)then there is something wrong in the relationship and he is unsure if he wants a life time commitment to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2007): I can really relate to a lot of the comments that have been made. My husband is putting across a lot of logical reasons why not to have a child and all my reasons seem to be emotional ones. When he asks me why I want a baby I find it hard to explain, I say that it is because I want to feel that life grow inside of me and meet my child and give it love and look after it and help it to grow up. These are all such emotional things and I don't think he feels they are good enough reasons. When I read the comment from the man who says "i just can't think of anything more selfish, less intelligent, more ego-driven, base or animalistic than bringing children into this world", I could believe it was my husband who had written it. Our discussions are not closed and I am trying to be patient and wait and see how it all goes for us but as I am 34 and he is 28 I know I haven't got huge amounts of time to wait for him to come around. I agree that it would be wrong to force him into it because I fear he would resent me and our child and although he is a good man I am afraid he would hold it against me and not support me. I wish contraception hadn't been invented then we wouldn't have a choice to make! It would be so easy to "forget" to take those pills. Of course at the moment we wouldn't be making any babies because I just feel so upset that it is hard to be loving towards him, although I do love him. When we married I didn't have any strong maternal feelings, and I have apologised to him for not knowing they would come. I have also asked him to aplogise to me for letting me think that when I reached 34 we would start to try for a baby. Again I related to other people's comments in that I felt led along, he bought me a baby names book a couple of years ago for instance. Why do that? He says he thinks he was hoping things would have changed by the time I reached 34. I know why this all went wrong, we talk all the time but we have not discussed the important stuff. I now understand that when there is a subject which you find difficult to discuss you need to discuss it and discuss it and discuss it. I also agree with other comments that I wish he would decide so that if it is a "no" I can begin the process of coming to terms with that. The sooner I know the sooner I can start to grieve and the sooner that will over. If anyone can offer any other thoughts on how to explain the maternal instinct, or if you think the feelings I have expressed are not good enough reasons then please let me know.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): Whewww! So many people looking for an answer to this question! There are so many women on this very same page with very similar situations (I am one, as well), but we can't seem to get an answer! For those of you who feel that you might be getting a little older, and feel that you might not have a chance for much longer, I recommend some of the information out of "The Mother of all Pregnancy Books". The copy that I have is copyright 2002. So, the stats may be a little different a couple of years later, but (as we all know), your chances of getting pregnant reduce greatly, the older that you become. The author reports that a healthy woman in her early 20's has 20-25% chance to conceive within any given month. Late 20's: 15-20%. Early 30's: 10-15%. Late 30's: 8.3-10%. By a woman's late 30's, she only has a 65-72% chance to conceive within a year's time. That means that, even when you get started, it could (and odds are, will) take more time than you hope (or he expects). I don't know if those stats will give you any more ammunition with them, or not, but we all know that many men like "ration" and "logic". So, showing him the numbers might be an option. One thing I think most of the women here have seemed to agree on is that we want our husbands to want a baby, too. We don't want to feel like we have to coax him into something. How much of a roller coaster would it be to be pregnant but unable to enjoy it because your husband is so upset?!? I think it's good that, even though we have this maternal need (and emotional need!), that we are cautious and caring about our significant others. It's important that we remember that if they're not ready, it's really probably not a good time for it to happen. So, what is the answer? I'm not sure. If I knew, I probably wouldn't have been looking for answers on a forum page. I really think that the best answer is to inform ourselves, inform our husbands, and pray that God will take the reigns on when it will happen. Best of luck to everyone!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): I am having a similar issue right now. I am 33, my husband is 40. I feel that we are running out of time. Neither of us want to be "old" parents, but he says that we are not financially ready.
Before we were married, neither of us had definite feelings regarding starting a family. Now, its all I can think about. I feel like he has also led me to believe that he also wanted to have a baby (bought me the book - "what to Expect When You're Expecting") and kept saying things like, "If you're going to be pregnant, then you should/Should not/etc. All of this talk and reading the book has just made me want to have a family that much more. Then, last night, he said that we're not having a baby anytime soon. In asking for clarification, I found out that he meant not in the next few YEARS!
I believe that his feelings are just as valid as mine, but I am very scared that we are going to pass the point of having any choice left. We'll simply be too old.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): i am going through the same thing right now. i have been with my husband for 8 years and married for a couple of months, but when i talk about wanting kids. he ignores me and doesn't give me an answer to why he doesn't. granted the financial situation could be better but my husband it 27 and i am 23. i don't want to have kids when we are older because most kids are a 20 year commitment. our friends all have kids or are going to have them shortly. we have been together longer than any of them and we are the only one without kids. sometimes, you just can't figure men out but i wouldn't have them without him wanting them. so, forever hopeful he will change his mind. he has 3 years to let me know if he wants them and then we just won't.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): wow. i've been all over the internet this morning researching this topic and i have to say some of the responses are chilling. for men, i think, the idea is to separate ones self from this world. to try not to be animalistic. not to steal, though we may want some material thing, because it is wrong to do so. not to deceive, though to do so may advance our position, because it is wrong to deceive. in a man's life (a good man's life) we pursue this way of thinking and refine it over the course of our lives in order to advance our spiritual and intellectual selves. and, i'm sorry, i just can't think of anything more selfish, less intelligent, more ego-driven, base or animalistic than bringing children into this world.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2007): me and my husband have been married for two years and have beautiful daughter who will be 2 in November. She was a surprise .I'll be 21 in July and he'll be 17 in March. I want to have another baby so I talked to him about it and he said we could have one if I really wanted another then about 5 minutes later he started giving me a whole list of reasons why he doesn't want a baby then he followed up to say that we could if I really wanted. But after he said that he turned around and said,"Let's wait till November after she turns 2 and we'll see." I was a little confused because he kept going back and forth.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): My husband and i have been together for 6 years and married for 2 years I am 27 he is 28 we have just brought our first house I really want to have a baby but my husband keeps telling me practice makes perfect to get out of it. All our friends have baby's or are on there second one this is not the reason I want to have children but all the male friends tell my husband that after having a child you can forget about having sex with your wife and I think this is what is stopping him please help as I don't want to be on old mum !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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female
reader, tonia +, writes (4 October 2006):
My husband and I have been married for almost two years. He has a nine year old daughter from a previous relationship who lives with her mother. Before we got married, we talked about kids. He knew that it was very important to me to have children, and not only that, but also be a young mother like my mom was with me. I will be 26 in December. He's thirty. Everytime I bring up having a baby, he gets angry, I get angry, and we end up fighting. He thinks he's being rational, thinking about financial responsiblities and such. He thinks I'm irrational. I think he's being the most selfish, unfair person. How is it fair for me to have to wait until he's ready? Why does he get to call the shots. Why doesn't it matter that I'm ready now?!
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female
reader, blushingbride05 +, writes (1 May 2006):
I have been married for almost a year. We've been together for a little over two years. I am 21--he is 29. He has been married before but no children. I brought up having a baby in January and he was all for it. I went off the pill and we are currently not using any protection. Its been a few months and I'm still not pregnant. One of my friends told me to take Geritol and that would increase my chances of getting pregnant. So I went and bought the Geritol and told my husband that I was going to start taking it to help us get pregnant. All of the sudden, he said that maybe we should wait for awhile before getting pregnant. I was and still am in total shock! He was happy about having a baby when I got off the pill in January. I dont understand what happened to change his mind. I really want to have a baby now. I want 3 kids and would love to space them out by about 2-3 years. I dont want to have kids after I'm thirty plus I have a few health problems that my OBGYN says will hinder me having a baby after I'm 30. I dont know what to do...what do I say to him? How and why did he change his mind? Can anyone help me???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2006): You should not have a baby until both of you want to. My husband recently told me he was mad at me because I forced him to have a baby (she is two now). To me this is completely crazy because I was taking fertility drugs at the time for two months. Of course he said it was okay if I took the medicine, he knew I was on the medicine and I told him the most likely days for me to get pregnant and we had unprotected sex on those day. So I am not sure how he thinks I forced him to have a baby, but the moral of the story is do not have a baby with your husband unless you are sure he wants to. I was really wanting to have another baby until he told me he thought I forced him to have our daughter. As much as I want another baby (I only have about 5 years to do it) I don't want to have another baby with him and his current attitude.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2006): i'm having a similar situation.
facts: we have been married four years but spent some of that time seperated (it would take too long to explain); he is 35 and i am 30-31 later this year;
he was previously married and one child came of that-he pays child support but does not see her often since ex is remarried and difficult;
prior to us marrying we talked about having kids and he was excited. since the wedding he has not wanted to talk about the idea-it gives him stomachache or headache and saying "we will.. just not now" , so i end up feeling guilty about bringin it up and making him physically ill.
the other day i brought it up again and did not back down like i normally do. he claimed it was "out of the blue and something had to have happened" for me to bring it up.
i have always felt very strongly about having children-two if possible and he has known this since before we got married. he says we have to "financially set" before making that decision. i'm sorry but we will never be "financially set" unless lottery is involved or some unknown wealthy uncle dies.
we are both getting older, and i reiterate that to him but he seems to think we can wait 6-7 more years.
he won't explain to me any other reasons for waiting, so i don't understand his logic. i don't like ultimatums and if i do that and we have a child he will resent me and the child.... but what else can i do?
i know this sounds absolutely crazy but i have a few thoughts of infidelity just to get pregnant.. or even leaving him for someone who can give me that dream.
i know that is horrible... but i'm at loss.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2005): Hi there,
I am having the exact same issue as you. I mention having kids and my husband either changes the subject or says "soon"...well it has been "soon" for a long time now. We have been together for 5 years and married for almost 2. He knows how much having children mean to me. I try talking to him about it and he always seems to have different excuses on why we cant have a baby right now. First finanaces, that was solved then not the right time etc. I always wonder when i will ever get the right answer. I think that if he doesnt want to have kids he NEEDS to tell me so i am not constantly bugging him about it, and i can try to get over the fact of having a child. I love my husband to much to let this hurt us!
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (22 April 2005):
 Has he said whether this is a "forever" decision, or whether he's just not ready right now? You haven't indicated how old either of you is, whether you have any other children or how long you've been married, but there could be quite a few reasons why he doesn't want you to get pregnant. Yet.Some of those could be: he feels too young for the responsibility, he feels he's not financially prepared, he already has kids that he feels he can't care for properly, he thinks your relationship mightn't stand the strain, he might feel he's too old to deal with nappies and late-night feedings. He might have deeper, more personal reasons, like a fear of an inherited disorder. Or, he might just not connect with children and may have decided he won't suffer if he doesn't have any.Until you know why he doesn't want them - and whether it's a descision he made for all time - you shouldn't get pregnant. It's just not fair to any child, no matter how much you might want one.Did he indicate his feelings before you married him? That's another issue. If you married him, knowing that he didn't want children, you can't expect him to change and see your way.If ever there was a great time to sit down and talk to him, this is it. You need to discuss why he doesn't want you to get pregnant, if he thinks he might ever change his mind, and if so, when he thinks this might happen.Since there are no compromises with pregnancy - you can't just be halfway there! - it's very, very important that you reach agreement. Please talk to your husband and ask.Good luck.
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