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anonymous
writes: One month ago I was dumped. He told me I wasn't what he wanted anymore. We were best friends, done most things together and I know we both loved each other inside out. A couple of months ago things changed. He wanted to go out every Saturday night with his friends from work and I wasn't invited. Now we are trying to be friends but he thinks I will always be there for him and that he can pick me up and drop me when ever it suits him. I am finding it really hard to buck up the courage and tell him I dont want anything to do with him, but the other side of me is telling me that maybe he will want me back again if I change. I really dont know what to do. I cry all the time out of frustation. please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2005): You probably should give up. I'm speaking from experience dated a man for a really long time and he doesn't want me either. His loss and my gain. Cut all of your losses so that you'll be able to enjoy someone better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2005): Be yourself. We all have to make changes of some kind, but if he's telling you he wants nothing to do with you now, I would say "OK, we can be friends but I'm getting on with my life."He'll keep doing that to you if you let him try to change who you are. Be yourself. Like the song goes: take me as I am or not at all.
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reader, x-clare-x +, writes (12 April 2005):
Sometime people just grow apart; it's nothing anyone says or does. People just grow as they get older (and, no, I don't mean in height). Sometimes something that seemed amazing to start with can change as people discover who they really are. There is nothing anyone can do but accept it. And I agree with Bev, You shouldn't even be thinking of changing. You're you and there is someone out there that would love you for you!
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (11 April 2005):
 Can you change? Do you want to change? And should you change? What exactly does he want? Have you found this out? All these questions but it all boils down to one thing really; he should accept and love you as you are. Unless you have done something really awful to him or behaved horribly, why should you change? What about him? It sounds as if he is just using you so you need to decide what you want to do. You could find out, if you wish, how he would like you to change but be aware that even if you do change to suit him (which would be very hard) he may still continue to come to you when it is appropriate for him. Or you can blow caution to the wind and refuse to have anything to do with him when he finds the time to see you. The choice is yours. You need to weigh up the pros and cons and consider whether he is actually worth changing for.Good luck.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (11 April 2005):
 If he thinks that you'll "always be there for him" or that he can take you and leave you as it suits him, then maybe you need to not be so available to him.He's taking you for granted and you've as much as laid down on the floor with a sign on your back: "Please wipe feet here". No wonder he doesn't respect you, hon. You don't even respect yourself.No way should you "change for him". Change into what, may I ask? A butterfly? A view of the Cote d'Azure? A cup of hot cocoa? No, you're You. If he doesn't like you as you are, then you two are not suited to each other. Full stop. Honestly, dearie, if you feel that the only way to hang onto this guy (and I can't imagine why you'd want to - he's pretty selfish and arrogant) is to pretend to be something else, then what happens if he decides he doesn't want what you've turned into? Will you ask him what his next command is? Pah!You had something nice once, perhaps, but he threw that away so he could have his Saturday nights with his friends. That was his choice, and he didn't have to make you unhappy to do it. He could, for example, have invited you to meet his friends on Saturdays and you could have had fun together.Now, I suspect, the only reason he comes around is when he's struck out with the babes and he wants a little something from you. An ego stroke, some company, maybe sex. When he's got that, he disappears again. Am I right?You need to show some respect for yourself and start soon. The reason you're crying all the time is that you feel helpless and ineffective and unable to see where you're headed. Now's the time to take some responsibility for your life.Next time he announces he's coming around, you say "Oh, thanks, but I can't". You don't have to give details and you don't have to have plans of your own. You just resolve that you're not going to let this guy take advantage of your good nature and treat you like dirt - which is what he's been doing. If it makes you feel better, arrange to go out with a girlfriend for the night, but you don't have to.When this guy sees that you won't allow him to undervalue you, one of two things will happen. 1) He might begin to appreciate what he had when you were together and take steps to treat you better, or 2) He'll realise that you have a bit of respect for yourself and get his quick, meaningless sex elsewhere... But then, option 2 is no worse than you are now and he may already be doing that. So the only way is Up.Think about it, hon. You can't cry yourself to sleep over this guy any more. He's not worth it; he's a loser and not worth the effort you've been putting in.Fix your mind on the idea of having a boyfriend who values you for the interests you have in common, and who wants to be with you, even though he has other friends. A boyfriend who loves you and treats you with the respect you deserve. I promise you, that guy is out there... but I doubt he's your ex!Good luck. Cheer up!
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