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... Send *ev Conolly a private message | | | *ev Conolly's profile:I'm female, 44 and raised in the western US. I was married first at age 17, which I realised soon after was a rather large mistake! We divorced seven years later, then I travelled around the world, settling in Australia. I met my husband here and we've been together for 18 years, married for 14. I feel much more Australian than I ever felt American.
I wish I knew a lot more about everything than I do, but at least I have a lot of experience at making poor choices in life and correcting them later. That's why I like to provide advice when it's asked for.
As to my pictorial representation... I play the bagpipes. Badly, to be sure, but the best thing about the pipes is, almost no one can tell you don't have any skill!
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An internet "date" just won't leave me alone!
Q. A few months ago I was single and decided to give internet dating a try. I had dates with a couple of people, one of which I got on with well as a friend and I said I would see again. However, I then met a guy who I completely fell for, and I ...
A. 19 May 2005: Definitely continue to ignore him. This guy sounds like a scary-stalker type and it appears that he's convinced himself that you two were a couple and that he's been wronged by you. Take a lot of extra care with your communications f... (read in full...)
I wanted to hear him say sweet things to me, but he wouldn't oblige...
Q. Last night I asked my boyfriend to talk "sweet" to me and to tell me nice things. He said that he wouldn't and he did not have anything nice to say to me. He really hurt my feelings and I am at the point that I kind of want to break up with him. ...
A. 19 May 2005: It's possible that your boyfriend is just callous and a bit insensitive. You have to consider that he might never be able to gaze wistfully into your eyes and whisper sweet nothings when you want him to, 'cause he's just some lunkhead who doesn't ... (read in full...)
My boy mate asked me out, but he's a year younger than me...
Q. I was asked out by a boy and he's my mate. He's 1 year younger than me and I dunno if I should go out with him. please help...
A. 19 May 2005: Sure, go ahead, give him a chance. You already say that he's a friend, so you'll already know whether you like him. Why not go out with him and see how that feels? Remember, he's not asking you to spend the rest of your lives together on a desert ... (read in full...)
A guy asked me out twice in a month... but I'm not sure if it was a dare.
Q. This guy in my school asked me out a month ago. A few days ago he asked me out again and was stammering really badly. When I left, his friends started laughing, not him. My friends tell me it was a dare that his friends told him to do, but why did ...
A. 19 May 2005: Three clues in your letter tell me that his asking you out was a serious question and not a dare: First, although his friends were laughing, he wasn't. If he was just having a lark and a bit of fun with you, he would have been giggling, too. Seco... (read in full...)
My girlfriend has a large number of male friends. She says not to worry, but I don't know...
Q. Hi, I have been going out with a girl for a few months. We love each other and are very passionate and she tells me I am the love of her life. We spend as much time together as possible and I believe her that she loves me. However, the only caus...
A. 19 May 2005: Speaking as a woman who has lived my entire life surrounded by a large number of strictly-platonic male friends, I would suggest you step back and look at this objectively: 1. The friends were there before you were. Trying to tell you girlfriend w... (read in full...)
No boyfriend... What can I do?
Q. I am a loner. Most of the girls in my year have boyftriends but I don't. What shall I do?...
A. 18 May 2005: My suggestion about what you should do is... be glad. Be Very Glad. Not having a boyfriend at this time in your life means that you're free to concentrate on your studies at school and get the best possible education. It means that you can pur... (read in full...)
My still-married boyfriend says he doesn't have the time or money to file for divorce....
Q. I am currently in a relationship with a man that is still married. I have been waiting for 2 and a half years for him to file for a divorce but he keeps telling me that he does not have the money to hire a lawyer and he does not have time to go to ...
A. 18 May 2005: Sorry, but this screams "lame excuse" and "stalling" to me. Like rphillips (below), I agree that divorces can be quick or they can be fast, but your guy hasn't even filed the papers yet! That doesn't sound like he's exactly careening toward... (read in full...)
She's the love of my life, but she sees me more like a brother... Help.
Q. Where do ? start? Well I'm 16 and been in love since I was 11. I know I was young but the girl was 10 at the time. So it's 2005 now. Six years and I love her even more. She says she loves me but doesn't take her feelings serious. I feel like she...
A. 18 May 2005: Unfortunately, it's not often that relationships go the way that you want them to. This is the case for just about everyone, so you're not alone. I don't doubt that what you feel is the strongest of emotions for this girl, but given the condit... (read in full...)
He's so settled, but I want to travel the world. What can I say to break it to him?
Q. Hi, I want to go overseas next year. How do I tell my b/f of two years, whom I live with and own two cars with? I still love him very much but I am not happy. Unfortunately I feel we are going down different roads. He is very much settled, wh...
A. 18 May 2005: You've said it very eloquently in just a few sentences. You need to preface that with, "Brett, it's hard for me to say this, but...I feel that we're headed down different roads..." The real obstacle is in then deciding where you go from there. A... (read in full...)
Can I get my girlfriend to open up emotionally, so that I can ask her to marry me?
Q. I've dated around 6 people in the last 3 months (nothing sexual, just casual dinner dates) and I met a girl that I've known for about 12 years that I'm really into. We've been out, kissed, and spend every day together. Matter of fact for the last 2 ...
A. 18 May 2005: Why do you want to marry someone who you already acknowledge doesn't meet your standards and who you admit you don't love? Wouldn't that just be setting yourselves up for an unhappily-ever-after? And why do you feel compelled to rush into doing ... (read in full...)
Things between us go well for a while, then my boyfriend turns nasty...
Q. I don't understand my boyfriend lately. Things are going so good for us, then he turns out like an animal and treats me awful, IE answers me nasty, makes me feel like I cannot do anything right. I don't say anything or complain. He always wants to...
A. 18 May 2005: In your shoes, I wouldn't put up with it. Nobody should have to feel bound to a person who doesn't treat with them with respect and affection. Your boyfriend might be going through some stress - maybe - but that doesn't excuse nastiness. There are ... (read in full...)
He dumped me to go live with his baby's mother. Was I just used?
Q. I have been seeeing a guy called Mike for about 5 months now, but lately he wants to end the relationship and go back to his baby's mother, he has a two year old daughter with her. He says he doesn't want to hurt me but he misses his daughter...
A. 15 May 2005: No, I think he's trying to be a good father to his young daughter. Everything that he's said indicates that he loves his little girl and feels bad about having to make a choice between you and her. It also sounds like he's being honest about it;... (read in full...)
He tells me that the porn mags and movies are no big deal, but they are to me!
Q. I have been with this guy for 5 yrs. He is not a very open person, it is just the way his family is. Anyway, I'm 37 and he is 27. He recently proposed. I accepted. I have never been married nor has he. I do have 2 teenagers but they are not the prob...
A. 15 May 2005: I'm of the opinion that men like porn, and that making an issue of it simply drives it into hiding. Men don't always use pornography as a substitute for real, satisfying sex. Sometimes they just look at it for a thrill, and it's times like that ... (read in full...)
How can I seem more "experienced" when I have sex with my boyfriend?
Q. Dear cupid How do I seem experienced when it would be my first time? My boyfriend thinks I'm a non-virgin. Please help? ...
A. 15 May 2005: You might do better to just come clean with him and admit that you wanted him to think you were more worldly than you are, so you led him to believe that you'd had sex before. What's wrong with that? Having sex with someone is just about the m... (read in full...)
I don't know what I want to do with my life...
Q. I have come to this point in my life when I no longer have a dream, which scares me. I have always known whatI wanted to do, like be a model or lawyer, but now I really don't know what I want to be and this scares me. All my friends always say "you...
A. 15 May 2005: Hi there, Don't be worried! Adult life isn't like a live-TV broadcast, where, if you don't have your script and you fluff your lines, everyone laughs at you. You don't have to have a "master plan" for what you want to do, unless that suits you. ... (read in full...)
When I told my partner that I'm pregnant, he said I have to choose between having him and having our child!
Q. Hi I am a girl of 16 and my partner is 24. I fell pregnant after 3 months of being with my partner. I told him and ignored me for 2 days and then he phoned me to go for a dinner with him and I agreed, so we met and he said he doesn't want the child. ...
A. 15 May 2005: Hi, I'm so sorry that you have to make such a big decision at such a tender age. My thoughts are with you. It looks as if your "partner" (I use the term loosely) has given you an unequivocal answer about how he regards you, the baby and the re... (read in full...)
I've heard you're either "single & lonely" or "married & bored". True? False?
Q. Hey, I am nearing a huge fork in the road of my life. I'm with a girl now, about to move in together for the second time and maybe end up getting married in a few years, having kids and all that. I have "cold feet" I guess, because I wonder w...
A. 15 May 2005: This is just my opinion, but even so, I've been single, married, divorced and married again, so I have a little background on which to draw... I'd never heard the phrase you mentioned about single/lonely etc. I've never, ever felt lonely when I wa... (read in full...)
Saying she's "afraid she's going to find someone else" in future, my girlfriend wants to break up... now!
Q. My girlfriend is wanting to break up with me because she is worried she is going to find someone else and hurt me. I dont want to break up though, how should I deal with this?...
A. 15 May 2005: There are two issues here: The first is that your girlfriend is wanting to break up *in anticipation* of breaking up. That's a bit like quitting a job so that you don't get laid off, don't you think? I find her comment strange because that's n... (read in full...)
Concentrating so hard on first-time sex that I lost my erection. Oh no!
Q. I was having sex for the first time. It was with my new girlfriend. We were going at it, and about 5 minutes in I got really nervous and completely lost my erection. I have been dwelling on it so much that it's actually killing me. WHAT DO I DO? ...
A. 13 May 2005: I hope that some male readers will wade in with their own experiences and comments, but in the meantime I'll give you a female perspective. I'd just like you to know that you don't have to be embarrassed about this. Losing an erection because ... (read in full...)
When his dad found out he licked chocolate off my body, he stopped my b/f seeing me!
Q. I have a boyfriend who I recently let lick chocolate sauce off my body! His father found out through my boyfriend's friend. His father has stopped him seeing me or even talking to me! I really love him. What shall I do? Help me!! ...
A. 13 May 2005: Well, let's just think about this... For your boyfriend's dad to have found out, your boyfriend had to tell at least one of his mates, who then managed also to spill the beans to your man's father. I can't help but wonder how many other people know ... (read in full...)
If we give ourselves some time apart, is that going to kill our relationship forever?
Q. I’m nearly 21 years old and I’ve just come out of a 3-year relationship. I met her when she was 15 and I was 18 and we live about 60 miles away from each other, which makes it harder. Since my car crash in January our relationship hasn’t been the ...
A. 13 May 2005: I think it's a sign of maturity that she's willing to compromise with you and give it a month or two, to see how you feel later. Take her up on it, and make plans to meet and talk about how you both feel on a specific date in the future. One unple... (read in full...)
I had a short gay romance, but now he's back with his partner and I can't get over him...
Q. I'm a man and I have fallen in love with a man. Nearly a year ago I fell in love with a man. I don't know how or why it happened! I wish it didn't but it did. We shared some intimate moments but nothing really happened. They guy has 3 kids but w...
A. 13 May 2005: I know it's very hard to get over someone you care about, and this is probably even more so, since you had intimacy without a physical relationship, so you're probably tortured with "what ifs". But, gay or straight or something in between, this is... (read in full...)
How can I convince mum and dad to loosen up and let me date?
Q. My mom and dad are good parents but for some reason they won't let me date. I'm 14 and in high school but my mom doesn't trust anybody! A boy can't even call me without getting cussed out by my mom. It's sooo embarrassing. I'm mature for my age and ...
A. 13 May 2005: Oddly enough, one of the best ways to show that you're mature enough to be trusted with boys has nothing to do with dating. It's helping out around the house. Sounds perverse, I know, but when your folks see that you've washed the dishes without b... (read in full...)
Only a month into my marriage, and I can't get in the mood for sex any more!
Q. I decided to wait to have sex until marriage, and I just got married about a month ago. My problem is that I cannot get in the mood no matter what, and if I do I usually get out of the mood before my husband and I end up having sex, then it ...
A. 13 May 2005: Take your time and don't worry. You're still pretty new at this, right? You've only been having sex for a few weeks. And to learn to do anything well can take a bit of practice. So, put your thinking cap on and ask yourself what used to get you ... (read in full...)
After 4 years, he's ready to move in together, but not to get married...
Q. My boyfriend of four years asked me to move in with him. I want to get married. He says, "This will be a new beginning for us and will lead to marriage." I feel like since we've been together for so long, why do we need this? He's been iffy about ...
A. 13 May 2005: I suspect that this means he can tell that you're getting restless and he wants to keep you hanging on... but without any obligation on his part. You've probably been giving him cues - or maybe you've said it outright - that you want him to be s... (read in full...)
I kicked him out after he cheated. Now I wonder if he'll ever reform his ways...
Q. My live in boyfriend cheated on me last year by getting a happy ending massage. I found a credit card receipt for the massage parlor hanging out of his wallet. (Obviously, he's not that witty when it comes to covering his tracks). It was deva...
A. 13 May 2005: I don't know about the "once a cheater..." mantra. Certainly /many/, if not most, cheaters seem to reoffend, but I've seen letters on this site from people who did it once and swear they will regret it for the rest of their lives. So it's hard to ... (read in full...)
My ex broke my heart. What's the secret of keeping women interested?
Q. Is it true that women only want men who treat them cruel? I was devoted to my ex-girfriend and she just broke my heart. Have I got to become a right bastard to make sure women stay with me? "Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" sort of thing?...
A. 12 May 2005: "Treat 'em mean" is most certainly NOT in yours, or anyone's, best interests in staying in a loving and caring relationship. I wish that phrase had never been uttered, because I'm sure that many a good relationship has been spoilt over it. When... (read in full...)
Dave is everything I should want in a man... but I'm not attracted to him.
Q. This is probably a stupid question and people will probably think im really superficial but I have been best friends with a guy named "Dave" for about a year now. I really like him a lot and he really likes me. He is everything I could ask for in a...
A. 11 May 2005: Why not socialise with him as friends? You obviously see that he has a lot of great qualities; maybe your romantic feelings will grow if you get to know him better. Try to see him when you're in groups of friends, so that he doesn't get his ... (read in full...)
I'm almost 13 and he's almost 18 and my folks are freaking out!
Q. I'm 12 turning 13 in 7 days and I'm going out with a 17 year old boy who's getting ready to turn 18, and my parents won't let me go anywhere, do anything with him, even if people she trusts is there with us. My dad won't let me hold his hand. It's r...
A. 11 May 2005: I worry about the motives of someone his age, who would date someone your age. He has to know that sex with you is illegal in almost every country in the world and that he can be thrown in jail for it. It doesn't make any sense or him to pursue you, ... (read in full...)
He makes me feel scared and insecure, but he helps me pay for my house...
Q. My fiance and I have been together for two years. At first it was great.. now he scares me. He threatens to hit me and leave me, he makes me feel like I don't do anything right and he has thrown we around a few times. I think I need to leave and ...
A. 11 May 2005: I'm sorry, but this is not worth it. Repeat: not worth it!! Forget this is your problem. Instead, pretend you're describing something that's happening to your best friend... She feels scared living in her own home! She has a boyfriend who th... (read in full...)
Am I being silly about his ex, who's now his friend?
Q. I am happy and settled with my life-partner. Only problem is his old flame is still around (as a friend) and I wonder if she is a threat or if I'm just being silly....
A. 11 May 2005: I don't think you're being silly, just cautious. The important thing is to bring this out in the open with your boyfriend and tell him that, even though you're embarrassed to admit it, the fact that his old flame is still around, worries you a ... (read in full...)
I'm 15 and might be pregnant... what can I do?
Q. I'm 15 and could be pregnant. I'm too scared to go to a clinic for a pregnancy test and home kits are too expensive. What should I do? Somebody please help! ...
A. 10 May 2005: Hi hon, Don't be scared to go to a clinic. This is what they exist for: they're there for women to get the tests and care and information that they need. Grab your phone book and look in the government listings for "women's services", or "wome... (read in full...)
At age 50 my husband says he doesn't have feelings for women any more...
Q. I have been happily married for 10 years - my husband turned round to me a couple of weeks ago and said our marriage is over! No particular reasons, he was just unhappy. He has now told me he has gay feelings for someone and doesn't know how to d...
A. 10 May 2005: Hi dear, Sorry to say, most midlife crises do not involve a sudden reversal of sexuality. It's usually more to do with ridiculous antics that "prove" that he's still sexy and virile, things like buying newer, bigger cars, or dating younger w... (read in full...)
Is he just stressed from exams, or is he being rude to me?
Q. I have been going out with my boyfriend for about a year and he has exams going up and is stressed. He takes it out on me and has said he hates me relgion. Is it stress or just plain rude?...
A. 10 May 2005: I tend to agree with datinghaven. Being stressed can certainly cause people to react in unexpected ways and to snap at others, but that doesn't excuse it. If he does that to you again, speak up. Tell him, "I know that's just the strain of your e... (read in full...)
More on the men/ponography issue...
Q. I would like this question to be for Bev please. My husband left me and I am unhappy because of it and what he did. I have read your advice and can't help but be confused. My husband preferred porn to me and this made me feel jealous and real...
A. 7 May 2005: May I please say first that I'm really sorry about all that you were put through by your husband. Marriage break-ups are extremely painful, (I know), and you have every reason to be hurt and confused by his actions. However, I think that your ... (read in full...)
Is it possible to fall in love with someone you don't fancy at first?
Q. I met a guy on holiday last September who I have become good mates with. We have had regular contact via text messaging since being back. I know that he would like us to be more than friends. He is perfect for me. He has all the qualities I look...
A. 6 May 2005: I think if you took a poll of 100 couples who are still together after 10-15 years, you'd find that a reasonable proportion of them are close friends who happened to learn to love each other. Romantic love is a wonderful thing; it's amazingly p... (read in full...)
My gf broke things off & I know I was to blame. Why did I do those things?
Q. My girlfriend, who I was going to marry in July, finshed our relationship because I was jealous, abusive, got drunk and tried it on with some of her friends. It happened two or three times when I was very drunk and I always felt so guilty. I didn...
A. 6 May 2005: I can only speculate why you did the things you did - briefly put, I think you did it unconsciously because you don't feel ready for marriage - but, ultimately, it was sensible on your girlfriend's part to break it off with you. You may love your ... (read in full...)
Am I being stalked by my ex? What do I do?
Q. I think I am being stalked. My ex boyfriend from about 4 years ago turned up at my house and totally freaked me out, so I told him I didn't want to see him again. But I'm sure he keeps ringing my house and driving past my house staring in and I ...
A. 6 May 2005: You did the right thing telling him that you don't want to see him, if that's the way you feel. Ensure if he turns up again that you keep saying it, in a way that he can't misunderstand. Something like "Go away and don't bother me any more". Don't ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend would rather smoke weed than be with me... and it hurts.
Q. I am a gay man, 21 years old, my boyfriend of nine months has an addiction to marujana. I have finally gave him an ultimatum of "me or weed" as over the time I repeatedly come second to his addiction both financially and time wise. It really hurt...
A. 5 May 2005: An ultimatum is only has any power if you actually follow through. If you've given him the drum and then you back off on your standards, all you've shown him is that you don't really mean what you say, and given him carte blanche to ignore you. ... (read in full...)
I have a boy mate and we started having sex... but I'm supposed to keep it a secret.
Q. I have a boy mate and he is like my best friend. He had a girlfriend for over a year and all this time I liked him. He then split with his girlfriend. I remained good mates with him, then the other night we had sex. He doesn't want to be with me ...
A. 5 May 2005: I'm sorry to tell you this, hon, but you're being used for sex. That's all. The thing that can be very hard for young women to understand is that sex and affection can be two totally different countries for men. Men can easily have sex with wo... (read in full...)
I'm paying our bills while he plays poker and sleeps all day...
Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years and he's always had a problem with holding a job. So anyway we've lived together for two years now and the past three months I've been supporting both of us because he hasn't been working ...
A. 4 May 2005: Well, his friends are right. He is being a big-time ass. The question is, why? And the next question is, why have you been tolerating it for so long? My third question would be: If you're suffering strain now, why do you want to arrange to spend the ... (read in full...)
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