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anonymous
writes: I met a guy on an internet dating site. He seems level-headed, down to earth, smart and he is very handsome. He also is 43 and has not had a long term relationship in 2 years, and those he has had have been less than a year. He seems to be very set in his routine and if we make plans for a weekend, he arrives after 5pm on Saturday. If I were truly excited to spend some time with someone, I'd be there on Friday through Sunday. He says he has had this intimacy problem before and tends to overanalyze things. Last weekend he cancelled on Saturday b/c he said he feels the relationship is not as far along as he feels it should be. How are we to progress if we don't actually spend some time together? I could like this guy, but do not want to get hurt a year from now. Any advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (22 April 2005):
 I wouldn't presume to warn you off this guy, (since he seems to meet a lot of important criteria in a prospective partner), but don't forget that there must be reasons that he's 43 and doesn't seem to be able to continue for more than a year in a relationship. Remember that the only constant in all the failed relationships that he has behind him is... him. Then think carefully about the entrenched behaviours that are already starting to puzzle and dismay you and what you might have to deal with constantly, or at least until he un-learns his responses.He sounds like he has a terrific ability to be analytical, but he may be lacking the empathy for a real connected relationship (I have a dear friend who has those characteristics and also has this trouble), so there may be times when you have to take him by the figurative hand and explain that when he does X, people tend towards Y. This may even involve the most basic of interactions, like explaining that you don't tell someone they have an ugly baby. Not even if it's true. He'll be grateful for the guidance, if you do it gently and explain why it's so in a linear way.His behaviours are probably a quirk he's had all his life, and as a result, I wouldn't be surprised if he has few friends, but lots of work associates. I have no doubt that he excels in his field, whatever it is. He probably also has a bit of a reputation as the one his workmates can fool with gags and tricks, since he never suspects a thing, humour being completely illogical.You need to speak to him about the way his detachment stings. The sooner the better, so you don't begin to resent what appears to you to be his thoughtless actions... but what he perceives are rational and logical ones.When he turns up late on a Saturday for your weekends together, explain to him that you had hoped to see him after work on the Friday... and that his turning up so late in the weekend disappointed you and made you feel like a second choice. You might need to be that plain about it. You might even explain that you feel that he should be excited about your meeting and that it hurts when he's late.If you plan on seeing him often, you might have to get used to the fact that he mightn't be particularly affectionate (in public) - he won't remember that you need reassurance, because "of course you know that already!" - and he may make a few faux pas along the way. If you retain your sense of humour about it, if he's willing to be corrected from time to time, you may find that he's a wonderful person and you might be willing to overlook a few flaws.Good luck.
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