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anonymous
writes: I'm 19 and I lost a baby 2 months ago. It was the most painful thing that I have ever gone through. I wanted our child more than anything in the world and my boyfriend felt the same. We are in a very happy relationship and are very much in love and I want to try again, but he doesn't, yet. He says we can't afford it which I know is true. He wants to give it another year. How can I push my feelings aside and put the past behind me? x x Reply to this Question
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reader, rainbowshoes +, writes (26 April 2005):
hi i just want to thank you both for answering my question. you really helped me make sense of a few things. to bev - i never thought about it financially that way, i dont want my boyfriend to have to have that much responsibility he needs to spend time with our child too! its been 3 months today since i lost my baby and it helps a lot to re read what you have said to me. thankyou. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2005): Oh my gosh, I am in your exact situation! I am 19 years old too and I found out I was pregnant in january and then in march I had a miscarriage. It was the most depressing thing I have ever been through. I laid in bed all day crying histarically until my boyfriend came home and rushed me to the emergency room. They ended up just telling me to go home and that everything was fine. then A few days later I went to my 1st ob/gyn appt and she told me that the baby was no longer in there (which I already knew but wouldn't let myself believe) and then they gave me a pamplet and sent me on my way. I keep telling myself that the baby wasn't healthy and that it was the right thing to happen but I want to try again so bad. I think that you (and I both) need to fill our spare time with a fun hobby that we enjoy doing. Maybe a side job to save up money for the baby when you do decide to try again in a few years. Maybe set a goal to accomplish and something to keep your mind off of it. The want is so strong that it is hard to fight but maybe it is because you feel like a baby will bring something that you don't have right now. For example, all I could think about was how cute I was going to be pregnant and then how much love I would have for the new baby. So I am trying to dress really cute, get my hair done and do my make up good every day so that I still feel like I look good and will feel like I am getting the extra attention. And also, I have started paying more attention to my dog. She goes everywhere with me now and I baby her. Maybe you need to get a pet. I know it sounds stupid but I really think that the best idea is to wait, especially if that is what your boyfriend wants to do. You don't want to pressure him into any decisions because it might hurt your bond, and that is the last thing you want to do. Just rememeber that you aren't the only one out there and give yourself some time to grieve. My mother told me that she miscarried once and that you have the same feelings as if you carried the baby the whole 9 months. It is a major thing and people don't realize that. They just expect you to get over it and be happy. Screw them.
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (22 April 2005):
 Please let me express my sympathy for your loss. But don't think that you necessarily have to sweep your feelings aside and pretend that you were never pregnant. Your grief is real and you need to acknowledge it. It would be helpful if you have a female friend to talk to about it, or even if you have your doctor refer you to a grief counsellor for a session or two, so you can speak openly about your feelings loss and sadness.I know it seems "sensible" to try to forget about it, but it isn't always as easy as that, so don't be afraid to admit that there are scars and pain associated with what happened to you.As to trying again, I think your boyfriend is being reasonable and sensitive about waiting. Your heart needs time to adjust to losing your baby, but your body does too. Being pregnant can be an enormous strain on your physical self, so it's a good idea to wait a bit to recover. Because you're still a young woman, you won't have trouble falling pregnant again when both you and your boyfriend are ready to try again.It's also important to ensure that you have your finances in order, so that you don't have to scrape by when your baby is born. If your boyfriend doesn't think you can afford it yet, it's worth putting another pregnancy off until you are. Remember, you won't want to bounce out of the house straight after and go back to work, so more financial responsibility will fall on your boyfriend's shoulders then. You won't want to have to struggle.I really do recommend that you find someone to talk to about the loss of your baby, so that you can deal with your sadness and pain. Let your boyfriend know that this is an important part of the healing process, too.Take care and good luck.
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