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writes: I have been with my bf for two+ years and love him so much. He and I have a super relationship. He is 15 years older than me at 38. The problem is that he is really not that interested in sex. We haven't had sex since January and it is killing me because I feel like I am not attractive to him anymore. I cry all the time, and I have also talked to him about it. He says he is stressed out from work and other things, but I feel like that is no excuse. I know he is not cheating. I feel like he can't tell me because it might hurt my feelings, but I have brought it up, like, 5 times. What can I do to make him interested in me? Please help someone before I can't do this any more. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (21 April 2005):
 Long-term relationships will often go through rocky patches like this. The keys to getting through it are, first, to trust and support your boyfriend, and second, to remember that this is not about you.You seem to be fixated on the idea that, because sex is not forthcoming, it must be because you're unattractive. He's specifically told you it's not, and you say you know that he's not cheating, so why is this? Do you feel unattractive? Maybe you're projecting your fears onto what he says.You b/f has already told you that he's feeling stressed and that's the reason he doesn't feel amorous, but unfortunately, you've chosen to disregard his perfectly-plausible explanation and concoct one of your own, which probably adds to his miseries. Now, he's not only stressed out by his work, but he has a whiny girlfriend at home. You write that you don't think that his stress is an "excuse", but dearie, if it makes him feel bad, then it IS an excuse. Furthermore, it's the only excuse that matters.Remember that many men define their self-worth and their value by what they do for a living. Troubles with his work may seem to him like trouble in his LIFE. You really need to start focussing on what you can do to relieve the stress that he's feeling. When he's feeling happier and less stressed, not only with his libido return, but he'll also have increased love for you for sticking by him when he was at his lowest.Try to anticipate ways that you can make his home life a little easier. Ease up on the sexual pressure, for one thing. His stress may be affecting his ability to even get an erection and he might be embarrassed to admit it. If you really need relief, get yourself a nice sex toy to see you through The Duration.See if you can arrange to do something fun and stress-free with him when he's not at work. Go somewhere together for a weekend, or even an overnighter. Socialise a bit. Or try to have a nice dinner together and a quiet night, if that's the sort of thing he likes.Summarising, it's unlikely that you've suddenly turned ugly in just the last 4 months. Trust that your b/f is telling you the truth and do your best to stand by him and give him your support. If the lack of sex makes you tense, masturbate for a while. He's still relatively young, and he'll snap back when the pressure is off him at work.Good luck.
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