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anonymous
writes: I am due to marry my g/f in 2 months and in turmoil!I'm 34, shes 32.We have been living together for nearly 5 years pretty much as man and wife. We have joint ownership of our 2 houses(rent the second one out). Even from the beginning she was never a girl I felt passionately about.(I've known what its like to be madly in love but its so depressing to feel that's been and gone in my past and even then was in reality a fleeting thing of beauty like a Butterfly - come over all lyrical all of a sudden!)We hardly ever make love(5 or 7 times in last year and often just oral for me ...) She has never orgasmed in her life. She says and this is a big issue for both of us, although never discussed - or at least not recently- or at length.In the last 18 months I have strayed several times. In fact whenever she is out of the country I crave sex to the point I am worried I am a sex addict (or is that just another name for "male"!?) I spend way too much on chatlines hoping for an anonymous sex meet up. One encounter led to catching pubic lice. We both "deduced" that the critters must have come from a stray kitten I had been petting...! I know I am such a ******* and she deserves better.She came along at a time when I was sick of the singles scene and we were both ready to "settle down". She is a model 'housewife and mother -to be'. In fact I can really see us ending up like "Bree" and her husband in a popular current TV drama about Housewives....I am too weak to break it off. I don't even know if I would if I could. Maybe it doesn't get any better than this? he spark always fades, right?I do care for her. But we seem to spend less and less time together. I am desperate. Any advice really appreciated. Thanks!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): Don't get marry until you want to have a family. You still have another 6-8 years left with your "single life". Marry to her would not solve your problem and I know it will get worse. Get out of the relationship because now before it will destroy your life.
I am 32 and divorced once because I married to the wrong person.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (18 April 2005):
 No! Don't get married. At least not now and to this woman. Please do both of you a favour and postpone the vows.One thing I can tell you about marriage is that it guarantees that you'll get "more of the same", every morning, every afternoon, every night, day in and day out... until it ends. You either die or divorce to reach the end of your marital bliss, but I can assure you that your partner won't change substantially from the woman you marry. And you're ALREADY unhappy.Is what you describe what you want, for all time? A partner so uninterested in you sexually that you feel like an "addict" for wanting a normal sex life? No passion, and a certainty that there never was any to begin with? A wife you "care for", but don't love? Spending less and less time together? Doesn't bode well for "growing old together", does it?Getting married only seals what you have into legaldom. It's insanity to make this arrangement permanent when you're both already so unhappy! Why would you want to do this?If you feel "too weak to break it off", then let me ask you this: Picture the year 2040. You're 69 years old. Do you know what hobbies you'll be enjoying in your retirement? No? Ah, but I can tell you who'll still be there with you, making you miserable, not connecting with you, passionless and still denying you sex... Are you sure you want to get married?Isn't it worth a little pain now, to avoid a lifetime of it later?When people say "the spark fades" what's meant is that the sexual edge of eight-times-a-day wears away to a mutual understanding, a warmth of shared experience, an affection and a deeper respect for each other (and occasional rumpy-pumpy). It doesn't mean you don't care about your partner.You have two choices, as I see it: You can break it off, and both recognise that being used to each other is hardly the same thing as wanting to embark on a lifetime of togetherness. Or, you can admit that you have problems that neither of you can solve and ask for some help, by way of a couples' counsellor.If you go ahead with the nuptuals, ultimately you'll be even more unhappy than you are now... and - trust me on this one - divorce is ugly and scarring.
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