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anonymous
writes: Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for just over seven months now, and I tell him everything. I confide in him and tell him all of my emotions and things. I see him as someone I can tell anything to, and that he is like my best friend. The only thing is that he doesn't open up to me at all. I try to get him to talk to me, and I just feel so hurt when he doesn't talk to me about his feelings and stuff. He said this is how he is and he tells me more than anyone, but I'm starting to question just how much he loves me, because he says he does, but he doesn't open up to me. He has also become really sloppy with his appearance, not doing his hair, looking like a scruff. Is this a sign of him falling out of love with me?? Because I make such an effort when I see him, because I love him so much. He is also very blunt, you ask him a question and you get a blunt answer, like I asked him "do you love me unconditionally?" and he said "no"...i was like: WHAT!?? We do have an active love life, and I am wondering if he is only keeping me around for that, and not because he really loves me. I am starting to get the impression that I love him so much more than he loves me. I want to talk about this with him, but he won't open up to me. I feel very confused, and all I need is some guidance into what is going through his mind and what I should do about it, because I am in desperate need of some help!! Thanks Sarah-Rose xxxxxxxxxx
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female
reader, Klare20  +, writes (22 October 2008):
Hi Sarah-rose, It was soooo comforting for me to read your story!!! I don't mean this is a mean way, but I am currently going through the same turmoil!!! It consumes my thoughts (clearly as I am at work and can't concentrate because I am thinking about this!). But I think the best advice was given by Bev Connelly. My therapist recommended that we (ended up being just me) try this technique...it's called "Catch your partner doing something right!". This really helped me see that my boyfriend really was showing me that he cared about me. The way it works is this... for 5 days you are to keep a log of all the nice things he does for you (and ideally he is supposed to do the same). At the end of the 5 days, you are supposed to sit down and read off to eachother your lists. I did this on my own, and when I went back to the therapist the next session, I told her that i felt like an ass!!! On each day he did at least 2-3 nice things for me. I counted things like him putting his hand on my leg while driving, or kissing me on the head when he walked past me on the couch... I counted ANYTHING that made me feel nice. Then during that week, he had said he loved me, but it was during sex, and I was like...well does that count...my therapist's response was..."he said it didn't he?!" This exercise really opened my eyes and helped to put my mind at ease. My boyfriend noticed that I was happier and less distracted and reacted to my mood (in a positive way). I have been thinking today about how he doesn't talk to me and it does really hurt my feelings and makes me feel like I am FAR more into him than he is me, but I have to continuously remind myself that just because he doesn't express himself in the way that I do, doesn't make it wrong...just different. I have learned to be more open-minded to his ways of expression in conjunction with rewarding his positive behavior by allowing him the time/freedom to do what he really loves to do (video games!!! Ugh). I will try to take my own advice but you and I both have to chill out. And for the love of G-d, control yourself and don't bring it up for at least 2-3 months!!!! Good Luck and keep us updated!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2005): sara rose i am going through the same thing. You have to make them talk to you, you have to put your foot down and tell him that if he is not willing to communicate, this relationship just wont work for you, because it wont. If you are a communicator dating a non-communicator will not work. I just ended a 3 year live-in relationship because my boyfriend wont communicate. It makes for hurt feelings and a bad ending. It wont be forever. If you tell him how you feel and he fights for you, he is worth it. If he continues to be uncaring and not talk to you, he is not worth it and you are settling for second best.
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reader, misty +, writes (9 April 2005):
I know how you feel babe. I have the same problem with my man. He loves me, he says we even have a child together.He won't open up, but to be honest I think it's just a man thing.I've asked him why; he says that real men dont talk about things like that!Women are far more heavy on the heart, if you know what I mean?I've had so much heartache over it and he says it hurts him to see me beat myself up over it. Your man is probvly feeling the same.Just tell yourself chill out girl; he's still here, isn't he?
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (7 April 2005):
 I think that if you asked him if he loves you and he replied no then there could be some problems here. Some men aren't expressive but that doesn't mean to say they should be that blunt! And why? I mean, does that mean he does love you but just not unconditionally?Okay, so he doesn't like to reveal how he feels but not all men are like that! It is a misconception to believe that we are from different planets, we compromise to help each other to quite simply understand each other. There are some men who will not say how they feel and others who are more sensitive and wish to reassure their partner how much they love them. It is called give and take. Of course, if you are constantly on at him to reveal his feelings, he may retreat into his shell but if you simply wish to know where you stand with him, then if he cares about you, he should tell you or risk loosing you.Do you want to be with a guy who just can't express or explain how he feels? Just grunts at you occasionally or bluntly answers with a yes or no? They aren't all like that. Honestly! Some men actually enjoy talking with their partners. It is what makes a relationship work, without communication it can fall apart.I suggest you explain this to your boyfriend. He may be feeling rather low from what you have said about his appearance. Suppressing how he feels won't help this. If you want to settle for him not talking to you but being able to make love with you, then you may often find yourself doubting his intentions for having you around. Explain again how you feel, say what you have said in your letter, express how this upsets you. If he cares, he will make the effort to reassure you if only a little. Actions do often speak louder than words and if he is demonstrative in other ways, you will find this reassuring but don't just accept non-committal responses. If he can't be what you want him to be, consider your next move. There are some fish in the sea that don't just swim, they communicate too!Good luck.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (7 April 2005):
 Whoa! Slow down, Sarah-Rose!You're making much more of this than there needs to be and you're worrying yourself needlessly.Here's the kernal of my advice in small words, so you don't have to read the rest of this if you don't want to: GUYS DON'T TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS.Now, in detail: Were you aware that tests in magnetic resonance imaging shows that female humans use 30% more brain when communicating than male humans? In other words, women have much more speech "RAM" than men do. We like to talk, we talk a lot - about everything! - and other women understand that intuitively, because other women have the same design, too.Men, on the other hand, do not. That's not to say that they aren't excellent, thoughtful, insightful speakers and any less capable of brilliant ideas... but most guys don't want to talk about their feelings. They feel *stupid* discussing their feelings. It's like they feel that they're somehow less masculine doing so. Men aren't women, and you can't make them be.Your boyfriend could have the deepest feelings for you that his soul is capable of, but he'd feel like a total wuss if he talked about it. He won't discuss his emotions and his dreams and his secret aspirations. Most guys just don't, and you'll save yourself a huge headache if you accept the fact early on.Your incessant focussing on the fact that he won't "open up" is going to start to niggle at, then annoy him. This I can promise. Just don't worry about his not talking about how he feels.Instead of worrying about what he *says*, look at what he *does*. Concentrate on that, because ultimately it will be a much more reliable indicator of his feelings than anything that he might say.Does he show you that he cares about you with thoughtful acts? Does he listen when you talk? Does he respect your ideas and goals? Does he actively seek to be with you?These are the things that are important.One of the most overhyped books ever written is "Men are from Mars..." Everyone has seen it and people quote it like it's some sort of holy oracle (which it's not). However, the author rightly points out in very simple terms and with ample real-life examples, that women and men communicate differently. It's really worthwhile to know that, so I recommend you check that one out of the library and have a quick squizz.Good luck and give him a break, OK?
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