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anonymous
writes: I would like this question to be for Bev please.My husband left me and I am unhappy because of it and what he did. I have read your advice and can't help but be confused.My husband preferred porn to me and this made me feel jealous and really upset. I am not unattractive (according to my friends) and have already received offers from other gentlemen but don't feel ready yet.Ive read your advice about porn and how it is normal for men cos they are visually stimulated and just to indulge them. I think that some men would prefer the women they see to their partners. My husband did, he went off with a girl that looked like one from a porn mag! Thats what he wanted and thats what he got. He fulfilled his fantasy so how can you explain that? I think its wrong to not be concerned and better to work at making the relationship right than just accepting your man looks at porn, as well as not necessarily believing him when he says that he stills finds you attractive, its just what men do! That could almost be giving him a licence to go off and find a girl like they see! I am an example of that happening.Jealousy may push someone away but what if there is a good reason to be jealous? You say that if your partner talks to the opposite sex, you shouldnt believe they prefer them to you. But they might! You say to trust your partner but people do let people down, it is a fact of life. I think your approach may be too complacent. I think sometimes you can fool yourself into being secure to make the relationship work, only for them to do something behind your back. That is reality!I am a confident, intelligent woman and I just wanted to let you see the other side of the coin.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2008): shit happen in life.at times you need to be a soldier in life.what happened in your past must not affect your future.don't desire for the past.move on with your life
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2007): human
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2007): Just be your self and continue LOVING your husband.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2006): excellent indeed.
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A
female
reader, agatha +, writes (13 July 2006):
just be your self and dont bend low for him show him you cant flaut.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2006): i prefer u get onother guy coz he seem 2be a lifelyst
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female
reader, liamsbird +, writes (6 September 2005):
Ive had a lot of simuliar things like this with my husband,and other boyfriends..I used to get devasted about it and think that he preferred all these other women to me.Its a totally gutting feeling..Then after speaking to many of my male friends,ive come to accept to that its just something boys do and theres not really a lot you can do about it.In the end i said dont be secretative about it and let me look with you(even though i had no real desire to whatsoever).And hey you know it wasnt so bad,and in the end it made our life a little bit more fun.noone was more shocked than me!Also you remember that these people he watches arent real,its you hes with,its you he loves..But if you find that this is really too much for you i think it will probably end up destroying your relationship.Not that you have to accept it by any means,but tell him how you feel,and if hes not prepared to change,then it doesnt look to good..But have a go at what i did,you wil be surprised.Hope it all works out for you xxx
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reader, Wildberries +, writes (24 May 2005):
It is true that men are visually stimulated, and to a degree porn will satisfy that need but very few men leave their wives over a picture in a magazine. If there is split happening, there is generally more to it Boredom? The feeling that they are missing something?When you see a problem, you have to ask the person you are having a problem with, but then you have to decide what you are prepared to do about it.You said that your ex husband found his picture perfect playmate. But is he REALLY happy? You know there is more to a relationship than sex( although a good sex life is important). Does the calendar girl fulfill all of those needs or just the one?...Take care
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (7 May 2005):
 May I please say first that I'm really sorry about all that you were put through by your husband. Marriage break-ups are extremely painful, (I know), and you have every reason to be hurt and confused by his actions.However, I think that your situation was the exception, and not the rule. While not in any way condoning your husband's behaviour, and while I'm completely empathetic with your outrage about it, was his looking at pornography the problem, or was your husband the problem? Do you think that he would have acted differently if you had stamped your foot and demanded that he NOT look at porn? Would he have been a more trustworthy partner in the end if he didn't view X-rated material? Would he never have met the women who looked like a porn star? She wasn't a 2D-porn-image come to life, obviously. She just happened to look like one. What your husband did was unfair to you. He betrayed your trust and left you for a woman who appears to have the physical qualities of a porn-queen. BUT... your "allowing" him (he would have found a way to do it anyway) to view porn didn't necessarily lead to his leaving you. Nor would "allowing" your husband to have friends of both sexes. He is either trustworthy and devoted to you, or not. Sadly for you, it appears he wasn't.However, one very painful and personal example does not make a rule. MOST men are attracted to porn. MOST men enjoy it in moderation. MOST men do not up and leave their wives over it, even if they could find a woman who looks like she stepped out of a sex fantasy. I stand by my opinion that, in most cases, men looking at porn is a small sin and not worth agonising over... Provided it doesn't threaten to become the dominant sexual activity in a man's life, it's generally not worth worrying about. In great-grandpa's day, so the song says, "a glimpse of stocking" was enough to get his heart racing. But getting a few visual jollies does not lead inevitably to marriage breakdown in all cases.If you re-read the question I answered on this topic a few days earlier, a girl asked if finding a few magazines that her boyfriend looked at "to pass the time" when she wasn't there, was something she should be concerned about. My opinion is still that it's not.As regards to jealousy and trust, I'm of the opinion that, in order for a person to make a committment to any other person, they need to make that choice freely. That means allowing a partner to choose and be friends with whomever he or she wants. If they betray your trust, then there's nothing to "fix"; that relationship wasn't right. There's never a good reason to be jealous; either a person is worthy of trust, or they're not. Jealousy and/or acting jealously can't force a person to give their loyalty to another person.Again, I express my sincere sympathy for your unusual set of circumstances.Bev Conolly
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