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*elvis
writes: My girlfriend, who I was going to marry in July, finshed our relationship because I was jealous, abusive, got drunk and tried it on with some of her friends. It happened two or three times when I was very drunk and I always felt so guilty.I didn't cheat on her so I want to know why I did this, knowing her friends would get mad and tell. I still really love her and I hope she can be happy even if it is with someone else. I don't know why I behaved like that and I feel so bad and guilty for hurting her. I don't know how to deal with everything. I'm constantly sad and missing her. I still cry about it and it's over nearly four months.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (6 May 2005):
 I can only speculate why you did the things you did - briefly put, I think you did it unconsciously because you don't feel ready for marriage - but, ultimately, it was sensible on your girlfriend's part to break it off with you. You may love your girlfriend to bits, but you're just not ready to be married yet. The drunkenness is one thing (you can change that easily), but there's just no excuse for any sort of abuse. You mis-stepped badly there.Before tackling the whys of your self-defeating approach to her friends, you should be examining why you're getting so ridiculously drunk that you repeatedly harm your relationship with the woman you love. You say yourself that this wasn't a one-off, that you've done it "two or three times". Think about why you'd do that, when you're in love with your girlfriend and want to marry her. Were you angry at something she said? Do you feel unworthy of her attention, so that you might be trying unconsciously to end things with her? Were her friends women that you really want more than your girlfriend?The only solution, given where you are now, is to take small steps to improving your judgement and to try to keep in touch with your girlfriend (even indirectly), so that you can demonstrate your improvement over time. When you're more sure of yourself, and more mature company, she might be willing to reconsider.Start with reining in the paralytic drunkenness. Obviously, it leads you to do things you regret, and frankly, there's nothing attractive about a drunk, even if you're engaged to him. There's nothing wrong with your having a Coke between lagers! Unless you're an angry drunk, get scintillatingly squiffy, if you feel you must, but when you do things that cause distress to yourself and others... I think it's fair to say you've overdone it.Remind yourself to trust people. The fear that lurks behind jealousy is the worry that you're not as good as someone else, and therefore your girlfriend is going to leave you. Well, at the other end of that spectrum is being so fearful and jealous that you drive your girlfriend away, which you did. So jealousy really didn't get you anything, did it?Trust that people do love you. Trust them when they say they want you, and not someone else. If your girlfriend shares a joke and a laugh with a person who happens to be male, it doesn't mean she loves him more and you less. We all deserve to have friends of both sexes. Learn this, memorise it, then trust people. And have faith in your own attractiveness. You can't bully a woman into loving you!See if you can keep in touch with your ex, even through a friend. Try to let her know that you've seen the error of your ways and that you're trying to correct your bad habits to be a more pleasant person. If she cares for you (and she was going to marry you, right?) then she'll probably have her curiosity piqued and want to see how you're doing. Just remember, it takes time to learn to change things and small steps are better than nothing.Good luck.
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