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... Send *ev Conolly a private message | | | *ev Conolly's profile:I'm female, 44 and raised in the western US. I was married first at age 17, which I realised soon after was a rather large mistake! We divorced seven years later, then I travelled around the world, settling in Australia. I met my husband here and we've been together for 18 years, married for 14. I feel much more Australian than I ever felt American.
I wish I knew a lot more about everything than I do, but at least I have a lot of experience at making poor choices in life and correcting them later. That's why I like to provide advice when it's asked for.
As to my pictorial representation... I play the bagpipes. Badly, to be sure, but the best thing about the pipes is, almost no one can tell you don't have any skill!
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My wife takes the reins of every project and I feel left out!
Q. Hello everybody My wife of 6+ years is a tomboy to the extent that she wants to do almost everything around the house. From painting the house to electric stuff. My problem is that I don't feel good about myself because I feel that I should be ...
A. 24 July 2005: Two problems I can see from your letter. First, is that you're feeling bad about yourself because you have the notion that it's the "man's job" to do DIY projects. It doesn't have to be that way; it's probably more accurate to say that it's the job ... (read in full...)
I don't know anything about this girl... except that I want to ask her out!
Q. How do I ask a girl out? There is a girl and all I know is her name - but I think she has given me flirty looks. (think). But I know nothing else but her age and where she lives. It's driving me mad - I want to go out with her!...
A. 24 July 2005: Here's a quick thought from the female perspective: Find out something about her. Then make an informed decision about whether you REALLY want to go out with her.
You know how sometimes you can bite into a perfect-looking apple and find out that... (read in full...)
Cheated on my boyfriend of 2 weeks with his friend... and I might be pregnant!
Q. I don't know what to do. I'm going out with my best friend and weve been going out for 2 weeks. I cheated on him a week ago with his friend and I had a big crush on him and now it hurts me to even look at my boyfriend cause I made a mistake. And not ...
A. 24 July 2005: First, find out about the possibly pregnancy. You can go and get a test at a sexual health clinic (usually for free), or you can get one at the chemist. If you do it at home, read the instructions very carefully, so that you get a true result.
... (read in full...)
He seems to go out of his way to insult me. Why am I with him?
Q. I have recently marrried a man who seem seems hell bent on insulting me. Last night I asked him if he was talking to a dog and he said "you are a do". Last week he said his friends said I look ten years older than I am and why is he with me. H...
A. 24 July 2005: Time to call him on it and find out why he's doing it. As HappyTimeHarry suggests, he may be influenced by something outside your relationship. He may also be trying to get a reaction from you for some reason.
Next time he insults you, don't ju... (read in full...)
How can I stop being so dependant and give my boyfriend the space he needs?
Q. My name's Claire. I'm 16 and I have been in a realationship with this guy called Sam who's 18 for about 5-6 months. I met him on the internet about a year ago and we just got on so well and were best friends! I really do love him and we can spen...
A. 21 July 2005: Hi Claire,
You know already that you really need to back off and give Sam some space, or you're going to drive him off with your neediness.
Start by recognising that he's already been a wonderful friend to you and has helped you by building ... (read in full...)
Ready to move on to oral sex, but what if we want to kiss afterwards?
Q. Hi...i am almost 16 and my boyfriend is 17. We have been together for almost a year now and both very happy. We got off to a very slow start because we go to different schools and didn't see each other much. We are both very happy together and now ...
A. 21 July 2005: This is one of those decisions you can make with your boyfriend. You need to find out what his feelings are about post-oral sex kissing, and work out what you both agree on and what either of you might find disagreeable. He may be much more ... (read in full...)
Three months of dating, and I already have a plan for when I eventually propose...
Q. I am by no means considering proposal, and I have only been with my girlfriend for about 3 months, but any time I think of the future, it involves her. I have even thought of how I am going to ask her dad for her hand, and how I am going to propose! ...
A. 21 July 2005: Rash? No. What it means to me is that you're probably a big softie with a romantic heart.
Now, there's not a thing wrong with that, but be sure that you don't let that romantic headiness lead you astray into *doing* something rash. Thinking... (read in full...)
Now that I'm with someone else, my ex wants to see me more than ever...
Q. Hi, OK this is hard. I recently split from my boyriend of 17 months. The only problem is now I'm in a new relationship but my ex still wants to spend time with me. It's driving me mad. I still care about him but when we were together I only saw...
A. 20 July 2005: Actually, it doesn't seem all that hard to me. It seems pretty obvious that your ex suddenly wants you because he's seen that someone else appreciates you. Now that there's some competition for your affection, he's beginning to see all your good ... (read in full...)
We broke up, but my boyfriend still wants to sleep with me "to say goodbye"...
Q. Hi, My boyfriend and spent 3 years together...went through a miscarriage and lived together for a year. He worked overseas and after I lied to him about someone breaking into his car...he sought solace in a girl he met in his work place. Since ...
A. 20 July 2005: Well, isn't that nice of him! Sex with you... as a parting gift, before he waves goodbye walking away, hand in hand with a new girlfriend. Awwww! My heart swells for you.
Maybe you'd like to also give him sex - no strings attached, of course! ... (read in full...)
I feel inadequate because my ex isn't beating up on his new girlfriend like he did on me!
Q. I lived with a man 22 yrs my junior. He is very controlling and power driven. He became violent and I have a permanent restraining order against him. I didn't want to care for him anymore so threw him out. He has another woman now who is carin...
A. 20 July 2005: It sounds as if he's up to the same old tricks. Look how fast the other woman snapped him up and is already "taking care" of him! You can bet he's playing on all of her insecurities and gradually tightening her emotional "leash" with muttered ... (read in full...)
What about casual sex?
Q. Does anyone believe in casual sex or should it only happen with someone you love and care about? Is sex an expression of love? Or can it just be fun?...
A. 19 July 2005: Casual sex can be teriffic fun, but it's essential that both parties involved understand each other, and that they both have the same expectations.
Men and women can (sometimes) approach sex in different lights. Men often see it as fun and plea... (read in full...)
I resisted him until I was sure...then he seems to have just stopped trying.
Q. I met a man about my age and we hit it off wonderfully. He lived about 2 hours away from me but we managed to get together for fun dates. He was handsome, polite, funny, charming and he treated me with utmost respect and he seemed genuine. We had s ...
A. 19 July 2005: You're probably well rid of him. Lots of women have probably fallen for his 'Mr Charming' routine over the years, and it's clear that he performs the part in a very polished way! It appears that his whole act was only to achieve one thing, though, ... (read in full...)
My younger brother has suddenly become aggressive!
Q. What should I do when my brother is changing towards me? I'm eighteen years old. I have two brothers. My first brother is 14 years old and my second brother 12 years old. Two days ago, I quarrel with my first brother. The situation happen...
A. 19 July 2005: I think your brother is reaching adolescence and is having trouble dealing with the increased hormone levels he's experiencing. Age 14 is a very difficult year for some boys because the sudden surge of testosterone can have effects like you ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend takes "exclusivity" very literally!
Q. The man I love doesn't want to be with me unless he can be with me literally for 24 hrs a day. Wwhat is your advice?...
A. 18 July 2005: I think you should re-examine your relationship with this guy.
The phrase that bothers me in your letter is that he "doesn't want to be with" you unless it's 24 hours a day.
*Warning! Control issues ahead!*
He sounds manipulating and ... (read in full...)
My friend is a tomboy and I think she should change that...
Q. My best friend is a tomboy. I really want to change her to be more girly because we're in university now. What can I do to change her? ...
A. 18 July 2005: If you're her friend, accept who she is. Part of friendship involves seeing beyond the superficialities, and loving the person underneath.
Being a tomboy (or not) is something your friend decides for herself. Most young women grow out of that sta... (read in full...)
She wants to quit having sex and just be friends, but I want it to continue...
Q. I am going out with a girl for 3yrs. We have a full relationship. She is my senior in medical college and now she wants to stop the relation as she says that since we are not getting married we should just stay as friends and all sexual relations ...
A. 18 July 2005: It's definitely not love. I'm not sure that you even have lust for this woman. A more accurate term would be "convenience".
This woman wants to be married, and having regular sex with you isn't fulfulling that desire of hers. It's understa... (read in full...)
My boyfriend says nothing is happening with his ex, but I'm sure it is!
Q. My live in boyfriend is cheating with his ex. He says he's not cheating. Everything that I say is wrong and it turns into an arguement. Please I need help. I love him but it is hard to even think he is with her. How do I prove to him that I am rig...
A. 18 July 2005: Why are you so sure? Have you seen them together, having sex or something?
If you haven't, then you're torturing yourself over a wild thought or a rumour.
Take a few deep breaths and approach this logically: If he's cheating, would you actual... (read in full...)
He's a mate and we're very flirty... but I want to know if he likes me!
Q. Please help! I fancy this lad, and hes really really flirty with me on msn messenger. I've seen him and met him, we are mates. He's always really nice and very flirty, but I'm not sure if he really likes me. How do I find out? Im shy, so I couldn't ...
A. 18 July 2005: If he's very flirty with you, and he doesn't already have a girlfriend, then I think it's quite possible that he likes you.
Don't put too much emphasis on the whole "Do you like me?" question, as asking it and getting a verbal answer are fairly i... (read in full...)
My boyfriend isn't paying me the attention he used to. Should I break it off?
Q. I have a boyfriend at my university. At first he always took care and called me but now he's overlooking me. He doesn't take care and call me. I must go for him on the telephone. In fact, I don't know if he loves me or not. Should I break up...
A. 18 July 2005: I wouldn't suggest you break it off too quickly. There could be a lot of reasons why he's not as attentive. Don't forget that you're both at uni! Maybe the problem is just that his studies are piling up and he needs to spend more time at labs and ... (read in full...)
We agreed at the start that it was just for fun, but now I can't help that I love him!
Q. I am a gay male, who is not out to anyone, other than a guy I have been seing for about 6 months now. He has a boyfriend but he lives miles away so they don't see each other much. We have been just like a couple, going out, having sex, etc - he says ...
A. 18 July 2005: Sorry hon. There's nothing you can do.
If he did tell you at the start that it was "just for fun" then you've made a mistake in allowing yourself to fall for him.
You had to know all along that his boyfriend was still in the picture. Maybe (... (read in full...)
Fell for my tutor! Now it hurts to be around him...
Q. I am a fifteen year old girl in high school, and to help prepare for college entrance exams (the SAT Subject Exams), my parents hired a tutor for me. However, this tutor (a 26 year old college graduate) seemed to be the perfect man I had envision...
A. 18 July 2005: Your tutor did the right thing. He was completely honest with you, and declined to change your teacher-student relationship. There a good ethical reasons (as well as the obvious legal ones) why he did this, so you need to understand that although he ... (read in full...)
Am I wrong to worry about my girlfriend on her company "retreat", with all those men?
Q. A greatly appreciate you taking the time to help me. Here's the story. I am a 25 yr old guy who has been going out with a wonderful, very attractive young lady for 4 mths. She works as an engineer and just recently told me that her workplac...
A. 16 July 2005: Yes, dear; you ARE being paranoid.
Why do you keep writing the word retreat in quotation marks? Is it because you suspect that it's something not entirely on the level? Do you think there's something inherantly untrustworthy about your new girl... (read in full...)
When we have any dispute, he storms out of the house. Then he blames me for being emotional...
Q. Hi, my problem is this. I've lived with my boyfriend for the past two years. I sometimes get grumpy as do most women I'm sure. However my boyfriend really hates this and every time we have the smallest of arguments he gets pissed off and stormes ...
A. 16 July 2005: First, to your boyfriend: Getting ticked off and storming out of the house is not a valid response to a small argument. Neither is blaming the other party in the argument.
Your boyfriend really REALLY needs to work on constructive ways to deal ... (read in full...)
I don't want a relationship with my co-worker, but don't want to ruin our friendship either...
Q. I have a co-worker who has shown some attention to me in a casual way for the last couple of weeks. I care about this person and have grown closer over this time; even though we are both married. I'm not sure if she might feel the same way as I. I ...
A. 16 July 2005: In situations like this, your best response is no response. You don't say what form the "attention" takes, but I assume it involves working closely with you, or perhaps she makes more eye contact or physical contact than you expect.
You say you'... (read in full...)
Should I give my ex-husband another chance? He says he's changed...
Q. My husband and I are separated for 18 months after 23 years of marriage. It was an abusive marriage due to his anger. He now says that he has changed with the help of God. He says he loves me and wants to be a good man to me. He wants us to get ...
A. 16 July 2005: How much can a person who abused you for 23 years change in 18 months?
Sorry, hon, but this sounds *so* fishy to me. In all the time that you were together, he couldn't find the strength to treat you well, but as soon as you're separated for a li... (read in full...)
What can I tell my friend when she asks if she should break off with her boyfriend?
Q. Hi, I have a problem that I have a friend who always quarrels with her boyfriend about everything, but both of them do still love each other very much. She has asked for my opinion whether she should break off this relationship. What can I suggest ...
A. 16 July 2005: Your opinion isn't very important, because it's not you arguing with her boyfriend and having to deal with that all the time.
What you should be saying to your friend is "My opinion is that you need to do whatever will make you happy".
Some pe... (read in full...)
My husband and my sister laugh about me to my face...
Q. I think my marriage is just about to be over me and my husband do nothing but fight anymore. He don't ever ask me to do anything with him. He always wants to hang out with my sister and her boyfriend and I just found out that I'm the topic of their ...
A. 16 July 2005: I really feel for you, dear.
You've been with your husband since you were only a kid and you don't know any better than the way he's treating you... which, by the way, is shamefully.
What you should be considering is: Is being with your husban... (read in full...)
My new friends and old friends don't all get along. Couldn't they do it once, for me?
Q. I'm thinking of having a party. I want to join my new friends and my old friends. But some of the people I want to invite don't get along with others I want to invite. One of my friends said she wouldn't even come if I invite this one girl. What ...
A. 15 July 2005: I would never give in to a "friend" who demanded that I abandon someone else. That's the behaviour of a control freak. True friends don't make that kind of request.
Beyond that, invite whom you like and ask everyone to RSVP. If anyone decides ... (read in full...)
My neighbour is lovely, but she's becoming intrusive...
Q. My next door neigbour is a very loving person, with many problems in her life. As a friend I try to be there for her as she does me. The problem is she is very lonely and I have often given her advice on how she can help herself, as all she does...
A. 15 July 2005: Kathy, your neighbour is taking advantage of you. Instead of having her own life, she's decided to appropriate yours. It might help you to understand that the reason she's so interested in stopping and talking, and knowing all your business is... (read in full...)
I've tried everything to get him talking....
Q. Me and me boyfriend have been together for a week but I can't keep him talking. I've tried everything, his fave sports, future fantasies, getting his best friend on the phone with us, and just talking about my day. We are both 16 and go to the same ...
A. 15 July 2005: Don't worry about keeping him talking. Most men (and 16-year-old boys can be included in that group) are not big on constant heartfelt conversation. Men would rather *do* things than talk about things. That's not a fault; that's how they're ... (read in full...)
His family and I don't get along... and his son isn't much fun either. Should I just learn to deal?
Q. I love my boyfriend, but I can't stand his family. Every time he is around them, which is a lot since they live in the same town and they babysit his son, they fight a lot and yell and disrespect each other. It's awkward and uncomfor...
A. 15 July 2005: Being 28 and hearing your ovaries ageing is NOT - repeat, not - a good reason for considering marriage to someone.
Presumably, if you get married and have a child with your boyfriend, you'd like for that child to have a Dad around, right? Well tha... (read in full...)
Accidentally saw my son's father and I didn't know whether to hate him or love him..
Q. I feel so stuck between love and hate. I haven't seen my son's father in almost four years and out of the blue I see him at the grocery store. I wanted to cry, yell, ask so many questions, but I just couldn't get up the courage. I still love him...
A. 15 July 2005: Why were you afraid to approach him? Were you afraid of losing control? What do you think might have happened if you had? Would it have been a good thing, or bad?
You sound like a smart cookie... and emotionally strong. So why are you so hung up ... (read in full...)
I'm in love, he just wants to be friends. Now he won't answer his phone...
Q. Met a great guy one month ago. He just wants to be friends but I have fallen in love with him. It has now been six days since we last spoke and he does not answer his phone or my SMS....
A. 14 July 2005: This is a pretty sure sign that he's uncomfortable. Leave off with the communication and try to accept that he really only wanted to be friends.
A month isn't long enough to fall in love with someone. It really isn't. What you have is an infatuat... (read in full...)
If I kiss her, I'm afraid I'm too forward. If I don't, I'm afraid I'm a wuss...
Q. Me and my girlfriend have been dating about four months and we live about fifty miles apart, but we always see each other when ever possible. I really like her but I don't know if she feels the same way for me. We are always keeping in touch on...
A. 14 July 2005: She sounds - if this is possible - more shy than you!
The fact that she told you "just kiss me" should be your touchstone, and you should keep that request in mind when you're with her and feeling unsure. She said to kiss her, so she must hav... (read in full...)
He dropped me without warning... and now he won't even talk about it!
Q. Hi I posted here a couple of weeks ago about my bf suddenly deciding that he wanted me but didn't want responsibility for my children and ended the relationship. 15 minutes before he deliverd this news we were cuddling on the sofa in front of ...
A. 14 July 2005: Your anger is perfectly understandable, because he blindsided you with his announcement. But unfortunately, he's not going to stand still while you deliver your own explosive response. Yes, that's chickenhearted, but remember that this guy has just ... (read in full...)
He knows I have a crush on him... Should I send him my essay too?
Q. Dear Cupid, A few days ago,I wrote a completely fictional essay about my crush and I getting together.I decided to send it to my younger cousin via e-mail,and she replied saying that it was incredible and that I should send it to my crush.Sh...
A. 13 July 2005: No, don't send it to him. It's a terrible idea and will probably only annoy the crap out of him.
You already have a history of "getting on his nerves", he already knows you have a crush on him, he's already freaked because someone told him you ... (read in full...)
He doesn't feel about me, like I do about him...
Q. Should I stay with a guy who doesn't have the same feelings towards me that I have for him? ...
A. 12 July 2005: Why would you want to?
Is the "relationship" more important to you than your pride and self-esteem?
If you're confident that he really doesn't share your level of affection, you'd be doing yourself a favour to break it off, so that you're free... (read in full...)
Split with my ex and I'm free to choose, but now I can't decide which boy I like better!
Q. Hi, Right. I am 14! I went out with a boy my age some time ago now. We ended but at the same time I liked this other boy that really really liked me and after me and my ex split he still liked me loads. I told him I didn't like him in that way....
A. 12 July 2005: The first recommendation I have for you is: choose neither.
If you don't feel strongly enough about either boy to pick the one that you like best, then it's likely you don't like either one of them enough to date.
That's OK, you know!
It... (read in full...)
He feels guilty that he's moving on after being widowed. I just want him to know what he feels is OK!
Q. I met my boyfriend 9 months ago online. He was recently widowed and I recently came out of a bad relationship. After about 3 months, we were inseperable. We have had a very intense relationship, but I feel very healthy. We have discusse...
A. 12 July 2005: Your assessment of the situation sounds correct: he's still grieving his wife and he's afraid to go further with you because of that memory.
What you're missing in this scenario is that he *really* needs his space right now. If you keep clinging... (read in full...)
Finally told him that I was interested in him, and the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual... What now?
Q. About 7 years ago as a college freshman, I had a crush on this football player. I managed to inform him of this when I was drunk one night. And coincidentally, we share the same birthday. So along with a few other players whose birthdays fell along ...
A. 12 July 2005: OK. You've made your move. Now you step back and wait to see what happens.
It might be a little ego-deflating if he doesn't respond in kind, but it sounds like you've made yourself plenty clear about your attraction. Give him a chance to think ab... (read in full...)
Don't want to let on that it's my first time. Can he tell I'm a virgin?
Q. I am about to lose my virginity, but I would rather not tell the guy that it is my first time. Will he notice that I am a virgin? Please reply to this I need to know urgently. Thanks very much....
A. 9 July 2005: Short answer: he'll probably know. Or at least suspect. It depends on how much sexual experience HE has. The first reason he's likely to guess that you're a virgin is that first-time sex for a woman isn't always a transcendental experience and i... (read in full...)
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