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anonymous
writes: Hey, I am nearing a huge fork in the road of my life. I'm with a girl now, about to move in together for the second time and maybe end up getting married in a few years, having kids and all that. I have "cold feet" I guess, because I wonder what it would be like to be free without having to answer to anyone but myself. I feel like I'm a good bf with very nice gf that I truly love, and I have a lot to lose. I've been with her almost two years. I've heard you're either married and bored, or single and lonely. I am thinking more often that as bad as it is being lonely, being single has its advantages. My indecision on this is killing me. I didn't use to think like this often, so is this just a phase? I am happy now but I wonder. Do married people often have fantasies of being off by themselves? I don't think I have the steel to push this girl out of my life. Your comments are appreciated. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): I agree with Bev:"it is possible to have the best of both worlds: marital harmony and individual freedom"Although never been married or lived with anyone i totally believe and am looking for the kind of relationship that allows you freedoms to still be an individual, including foreign holidays if it's something he doesn't want. I find it lonely being single sometimes. I'd rather be married with someone right. I'd rather be single than be with someone wrong.My question for you is: Why are you bored with her?Answer this and i think you'll have your answer as to what to do. It may be best to stay, it may be best to go, it totally depends on your relationship. It depends on you and it depends on her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): Well i am married and bored and if i had my time again i think i would have stayed single.
I know that everyone says you have to work at a marriage but sometimes it is such a hard slog that you wonder why you bother....kids ...well yes i have kids and honestly ..they are just as much hard work.
I m nearly 41 and wish that i could go off and find myself without being everyones slave, cook soundboard etc. Sometimes i wonder that if i wasnt here would anyone even worry(until there where no cups and clean washing!)
anyway seeing as you are a man you probably have nothing to worry about
xx BEARLY HUMAN ANYMORE!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008): It's been close to three years since this question was asked. I would like to know how it turned out?
For those lurking - I think the answer lies within. If you are not happy with yourself you will be lonely and single. If you are not happy with yourself you will be married and bored.
If you can't take care of yourself to be happy on your own, don't get married - because then you are looking outside yourself to fulfill something missing. It won't work...
Good Luck!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2007): Get rid of her she sounds like troubleGo out and get as much free pumpage as possibleLife is very short and there is a lot of skirt out there
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): Are you serious? If you;ve been blessed with a woman who really loves you and you both want the same things in life, you'd be a fool to walk away. Yeah, you can do a lot of runnin around, focus on career, what the f--- ever single, but in the end, you'll want someone (family) to come home to at the end of a bad day. I've been single 4 years and have spent more than my fair share of time pursuing vanity.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2007): ive been married nearly 10 years now.iget bored,frustrated,angry.but i also love my wife to bits.at times ive thought about 'other women'. but it comes down to hurting this woman i love and losing respect.before i asked her to marry me i pondered for a long time,if i was doing the right thing.then i thought, could i see my life without her? the answer for me was ofcourse was no.everybody is difrent so you have to ask yourself the right questions.then stick by your answers,its never easy,but its always right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2007): To male anon below, you choosing not to break up with her and feeling like crap all the time is pretty much your fault despite her lack of change and upgrade. You chose to stay with her. She won't change, not for the life of her, but have you changed/upgraded over the last few years? Maybe she needs some visual motivation. Maybe you need to induce change in your lives. Sometimes one partner may need to take a more leadership role than the other. If over time and effort, thing still do not improve, the next more prudent thing to do is divorce. Alas, you have chosen not to divorce for reasons not known here.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2007): married life sucks. my wife is way to content. has gained 30lbs and sleeps like its her full time job. tells everyone how happy we are and it drives me nuts cause ive went to her in a heart to heart enough times to know that she believes cause we are married we will never break up.married now for 2 years and love her but not in love anymore and it doesn't even fase her
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reader, Infiniterealism +, writes (16 May 2005):
We spend most of our lives searching for something better when what we really need is right in front of us. Many times we don't realize this until it's too late. In this disposable society, people would rather just throw things away then try to keep using them. There are no guarantees in life, we could die tommorrow. What I am saying is that we shouldn't have certain expectations about our relationships, if we expect it to fail then it will. How about remaining positive and open minded and not viewing it in such a negative light? Be grateful you have found a wonderful person and celebrate that. Rejoice in the moment. Honour the woman you love and who loves you. Sure sometimes we can get into a lull in our relationships, but it's up to us to work on it. You can stay with one person and not be bored, make it fun. Keep things new and interesting, continue to try new and exciting ventures with each other, on any level. It's a cold cruel world out there, hold on to what you got.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (15 May 2005):
 This is just my opinion, but even so, I've been single, married, divorced and married again, so I have a little background on which to draw...I'd never heard the phrase you mentioned about single/lonely etc. I've never, ever felt lonely when I was single. At the time, I had friends, hobbies, pets, school, work etc and if I was lonely, I never noticed it. However, the the most alone I ever felt was when I was with my first husband, whom I married because I was extremely young and didn't want to hurt his feelings(!) when he proposed. Feeling "trapped" in a relationship with someone you don't love is, to my mind, a far worse fate than having no one to wrestle the doona away from.So my first comment is, please DON'T move in with, or marry your gf unless you really feel confident about the relationship being right, long-term and durable. If you're only doing it because "it seems like a logical step", or because you feel hounded by someone to take things to the next level, then I urge you to reconsider. It's always harder to walk away from a relationship when you have to divide the contents of the house and/or decide on custody of the kids!My husband and I have now been married for 17 years and, sure, there are times - lots of times! - when I fantasise about having no one to answer to but myself. Fortunately, each of us allows the other lots of space. We like being together, but we also enjoy time to pursue our individual interests. I've even been on overseas holidays without my husband. Of course it's completely dependant on the way you and your partner see your relationship, but it is possible to have the best of both worlds: marital harmony and individual freedom. Provided, of course, that your gf and you see eye-to-eye on the matter.So, why not have a little discussion with her? Talk about what she expects from your moving in together and compare and contrast that with your thoughts. You really need to know, for example, if she thinks you two are just treading water until the inevitable wedding. She might have a much shorter timeline to the "having kids and all that" happy ending. Knowing exactly where she's coming from might go a long way toward warming up your "cold feet".Good luck.
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