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anonymous
writes: Hi,I have been going out with a girl for a few months. We love each other and are very passionate and she tells me I am the love of her life. We spend as much time together as possible and I believe her that she loves me. However, the only cause of argument we have is that she insists on having a large amount of male friends. They text her often, in the mornings wishing her a good day etc. She claims it's just friendship. I think that these guys are only doing this because they are not in relationships themselves and are perhaps hopeful... She says, that even if they are hopeful I shouldn't worry as she has no interest in them in that way. However, being a guy and knowing how guys think I find this a little disturbing.Now I find myself feeling suspicious everytime she receives an sms or phone call. I hate this feeling.what should i do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2012): hello guys.. well my problem is a typical and different one comapred to u people. i wil clearly explain the pain which im getting from only a single person since so many years.. i have been loving my friends sister from 8 years, before last 1yr she accepted me and made me a king of her heart..i love her like more than my life. so we had a gud friendship on before 6 years. At that time she is having so many boy friends and literally she was addicted to them like talking, sharing gossips, giving them chance to flirt her. whenever i call her she keeps me in wait and talks like anyone on earth do. So i always waits for her call on those days.She used to talk around 8-12 per day.. In the mean while, she got a classmate and friend in her college.At that time she used to avoid me for his call and gets irritated on me and asked me for space of 6 months giving a irrelevant reason. i just know everything about her and nicely i quit from her relation of about 3 years.. I thought she were definately fallen in his love and so y do i interfere in her's. He helped, pampered, loved, spent and made her to remind about him for every single minute in her life.. So one day she suddenly got contacted me in face book and said to call me once.. I was totaly happy and called her had a great chit chat. After a copuple of days she said that i m loving u. For me she is an angel so i felt like king of the world. This girl stays in other city. As days passed she started loving me very much as i always do since my childhood. She goes film, restaurants, trips, travellings and so on with him. She will definitely informs while she go anywhere with him. She knows he is only the reason of staying 3 years away from her and she knows i suffer alot while they go together.
But she couldnt stop anything for me. As days pass i used to express my way of opposing indirectly, but she says i wont leave him , y do u think in other way and he is the best friend of mine- directly. So she gets him everywhere and every place of our meeting and explains me that he came here to drop me. We both meet once in a month or two. They always stay in the same class and same campus and eat, roam, sit together..They both arrive to my hotel where we already planned to. Up to 2 hours she makes both the guys to be interacted, talk, play jokes for her, admire her.. We both do as she wish. But u know it makes my heart dying. After some days it has changed a bit in a different way. She used to call me when i was in class and asks me and makes me to come and wants me to meet her in the evening. So i feel very happy and i start from my college to her place, here u need to know one thing that she was already with him and she had given me the surprise of getting him to the place where there are only couples... Again she started making fun with both the guys one friend and a lover. And she started commenting the other girl and boy who sat near to our table. They were behaving and feeling they sat in heaven and nobody is there to see us and we r perfectly alone from earth,, So we can enjoy the lovely romance in our love.. She started commeting both by saying they were odd and they r making to feel odd in public. But i dont understand whats the mistake they did..My girl came to a lovers meeting point with a friend and a boy friend and y did she gets surprsied of the common thing in that place. U know the other couple not even kissing each other but they were holding their hand and talking. Like this she made me so confused about the thing which always getting her friend to the place we both want to meet..
After some days i started getting angry on him and spoke with him to explain my pain and asking him many quetions about the him. But he acts like understanding my pain and do's whatever he wants by himself. I always cry alone at nights about the relation , damn single cooking relation with a single guy who always tries for her impression and expression and tries to make her happy even if she is with me.. And he asks me whether u kept food to her or not for show and he makes my girl to notice that indirectly about the love he shows on her. He thinks nobody on earth except him neither knows nor thinks about my lover and he believes and lives in that circle of my own girl. And she gives every chance of something which he really want to do for her.. If he keep on loving her and if she keep on taking it, how can i show my complete love and caring of her!!! I will explain one of the small example i.e. , every day in the morning he send good morning darling and says take care and i feel painful, but i will also send the gud mrng message to her, in the same way he always comes before i reach her.. One day i got hecked up with these interfering and competing love and care on her and thought of leaving her again like i have done before years.. Presently he is staying out of our city and given chance of loving my girl completely. Evryday i help my girl on each and every second makes her happy. Everyday i feel so memorable when we travel, when we roam, when we eat, and shop.. but my problem is she maintains negligence when he comes back to our city. He just stays more in her home and less in his home. And at that time she literally change the plans of ours and make him come to her and spend time with her. So i just escape from that situation and comes to my village and cry. Rather than that what can i do my friends.. Tell me? What is need of that guy when i m available completely. I m the one who makes her happy everday and i m the one who makes her day complete. Is there any need of a male friend who acts like me when he comes.. i don understand why do my girl who is loving me fully behaves odd and can seen very particular differnece when he comes. Her calls get decreased, she wont talk when he is with her, she quarrels with me, avoids me, neglect me, acts with me, importance reduces and lot many more likely to them when he comes back.. i m very much insecured of my relation with her.. If i ask her about anything regarding to this he can convinces me intelligently and goes with him gently.. What is the torture i m getting from this exact relation she don know.. He knows but he plays safe and stays at her presence.. Guys help me please without her i cant LIVE. In all aspects she was SUPER. In this she gives more than HELL
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male
reader, jphillips991  +, writes (19 July 2012):
I had the same problem but you cant ask your gf to not have friends male or female and my girl also has friends that try to ruin our relationship and male friends that i know like her .. if this is the case with you also then your gf if she really loves you will make sacrifices for you as relationships require compromise and sacrifices appreciate what you have and explain clearly how it makes you feel she should be making sacrifices for you unless you are really jealous sometimes it is just you and if you love her you should trust her.. i hope this helps you because I have learnt from my mistakes.
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reader, southernsky21  +, writes (22 August 2010):
Friends
Had the same problem and confronted my girlfriend about it. Lemme tell u guys something. My ex was an undercover crack whore who cheated on me with men and women. I shook the hand of some of those male "friends" she had slept with, making me the only fool in the room who didnt know.
Now lets get to the current girl. She has many male friends, but there is one who is just ridiculously trying to get in there. He went as far as to beat up her ex for cheating on her. Was that really his business, even as her "best friend". My answer to that, HELL NO! lol. That was him trying to play the "big brother" card to increase his sexual chances. He insists on spending time alone with her, and she constantly answers texts even with me around. Well not today. On top of that, I asked her why he didnt know about me. She responds, "He's very overprotective." I told her, that her "best friend" doent run this relationship, we do.
Men, dont allow yourself to be made the victim nor the suspect. You know, the "you are way too jealous card." Tell her, "You're damn right." YOU ARE A MAN. The very fact that the "best friend" has that much power in your relationship is a cancer that will ivade the major internal organs of your relationship. You have a right to have a problem with other men trying to get closer to your lady. I asked my gf if she would like it if a female friend texted me all the time during the first date and I answered each one of them. Her response was, IDK. IDK? Ladies, yes you would feel jealous. Men are territorial creatures, and yes, when we are suspicious. We daydream about what you and your "best friend" are doing behind our backs, and the last thing we want to think about is some prick in full mount position over our one and only. We are human. Men there are too many diseases out there, that by you running the risk of her having sex with these male "friends" or "besties" on the side, they could give something to her, and she passes it on to you. Take pride in yourself and confront her ASAP.
My main problem was the "best friend" not knowing about me. RED FLAG, hold the ball please. The first question should be, does this "best friend" know about you. Hers didnt know about me, so I addressed it big time. She got mad, but I gave her some space, and 6 hours later she "loves" me again, however, she's not outta the woods yet.
If you are a man out there who is the best friend, back off please, and be respectful. I know that there is no female best friend I've known more than a year that I didnt at least think about going steady with.
Again, I say to you not only do you have the right to be upset and concerned, it is your duty to do so. If your girlfriend cares about you and "loves" you so much, what the hell does she need other men around her for? You are the one who makes her laugh, and you are the one who makes her day. You ARE her male best friend. Her bestie should be female anyway and yours out of respect should be male. If her MALE best friend makes her day more than u do, she needs to consider a relationship with him, but I guarantee that she is not his only prey. He prays on insecure, nieve women who happen to be his "friend".
There are three types of men. Wolves; who play the friend card to be the next in line, Sharks, who just dnt give a damn about nothing but stealing your love, and lions. Dudes, be a lion. A lion picks their battles and runs the jungle. Don't let the jungle run you.
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reader, kobayashi +, writes (3 July 2010):
I am in similar situation. Dating a girl that has many guy friends and she says most are out of state.I refuse to have female friends to keep it simple but what I have chosen to do is keep feemale friends to and she is beginning to ask me who they are. I don't make a big deal about it I just want her to feel same way.when u are in a relationship you should spend time on and with him alone. If u like male friends then u need to pick one . That's what I did. She said she doesn't care if I did same but she recently asked me questions about a girl on facebook. If u can keep male friends then a guy should be able to keep female friends too. That's the way I see it. Don't let the ladies fool you ,you be a fool if u think girls don't cheat. A girl telling u she loves u don't mean she won't cheat.if she really appreciates you she don't need male friends.if I make friends with a female I definately want to have sexual stuff with her so don't let the ladies fool u.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): Wow. This may sound a little harsh, but I tell all you guys this for your own good. Don't let your woman dog you like that bro! You are the man, wear the pants. Some points of clarity:1) All of your woman's friends want to sleep with her. The only exception is when the guy friend is gay.2) If she's having long text conversations with a male friend, she wants to sleep with him, regardless of what she says.For the guys that say they hang out with the woman a lot, but she says she doesn't want a relationship. This means she is seeing or wants to see other people. Are you sleeping with her? If yes, then congratulations. You're free to sleep with her and also date other women on the side. If not, then you're just being used. Cut her off. You'll just end up giving and giving, and she'll just end up taking and taking.This is probably going to be controversial, but the solution to the problem of your woman doing stuff you don't like is to simply impose your will on her. Don't be afraid to confront her and fight over it. Be willing to walk out on her. If she says no or threatens to break up with you, then call her bluff, tell her what a bad person she is and cut off all contact for at least a week. Sure she may get another guy, but she'll treat him just as badly as she treated you. At the end of the day, yu should just be happy you're not him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): Wow this thread has really put things into perspective for me. Seriously I didn't know so many guys had the same deal. Well just the other week my gf told me that she really didn't want a serious relationship (however we were dating for over 7 months. I am a junior and she is a sophmore in High school..) But that isn't the part that really got me. We were on a trip to NYC and for the 5 hour trip up and back she txtd the same guy friend (who had previously asked her out) non-stop. Today I am walking in the hall and i turn the corner and she is totally up on this guy, flirting and nudging eachother. I just dont believe a committed woman will listen to you if you ask her to tone it down with her MANY guy friends, even at the expense of your own sanity.
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reader, thurgood +, writes (3 June 2010):
There are things that will let you know when these friends are out of bounds.If they send any sort of sexually suggestive remark, if they text or call multiple times a day, if they use every sort of communication there is to contact her.Now these are guys that dont give a crap that she is in a relationship and are trying to mess it up big time. You need to say it makes you uncomfortable, dont make it about her not being friends with them. If she cares about you, she will realize youre more important. There are also things that will let you know your girlfriend is out of bounds.She texts or takes calls while youre both out on a date, immediately responds no matter what, is jealous of any girls around you, gets extremely defensive about it and refuses to talk about it. If she doesnt stop, then she does not care about you and you need to get out and let her know thats why. She loves attention and it does not matter whose it is. (if she drinks a lot, this also is a big sign)These girls dont deserve any good guys until they change their ways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2010): I haven't seen anything resembling a comprehensive answer. The truth is not all male/female friendships are the same.
Some are genuinely platonic. The guy is either loyal to a girlfriend/wife or is actively seeking one besides your own. Your gal has known him for years. They don't text/call each other incessantly, especially not late at night. They don't use cutesy language or pet names. She's perfectly comfortable talking to him in your presence. He is not hostile towards or disapproving of you. He is not constantly making innuendo. These sorts of friends are pretty easy to spot. If they stir up intense jealousy, the problem lies with you.
Other friends try to appear platonic while harboring feelings. She may fervently defend their innocence, but you can spot them a mile away. They do all the things a true platonic friend doesn't, including late night calls/texts with affectionate language/nicknames. They hate you, and they encourage her to vent any frustrations she might have with regard to you or your relationship. More than anything else, they do not convey to her any interest in other females - because they are only interested in her. If you suspect such a "friendship", you have every right to talk to your girl about it. If she can't see their true feelings, ask her to set some boundaries and really define the friendship for these fellas. If she loves and respects you, she will happily do these things for your peace of mind.
Then you've got the blokes who are openly and earnestly hoping for something more than friendship. They talk nonchalantly about sex, make frequent mention of visits or hanging out alone, call/text at all hours, completely disregard your very existence (or dismiss you as a jerk/loser), prey on her curiosity/humor, and the like. This behavior is inappropriate and, frankly, inexcusable. If she gets a kick out of it and reciprocates, even with absolutely no intention of following through, it is still immensely disrespectful towards you. You shouldn't know exactly whose bed she'll end up in if your relationship turns south. Jealousy and frustration are natural reactions here.
Incidentally, if you've no idea of the character of her correspondence with another male, she is probably hiding it from you because it resembles this behavior. If she leaves the room to speak with him, or makes "dates" to hang out with him alone, or shields his texts from your gaze, you are absolutely dealing with a snake in the grass. You have every right to confront her and seek clarification/definition - for you, her, and any single (or unhappily committed) male acquaintances she might have.
Very long story, significantly shorter: make sure you know exactly what kind of friends you're dealing with before you act, but understand that some jealousy is perfectly justified. Much as girls (and boys) may not want to hear it, you DO in fact have to give up some things when you enter into a serious, committed relationship - such as ill-defined personal relationships with members of the opposite sex.
Oh, and ex-boyfriends or hook-ups who talk to her more than once every few months are 100% BS. You don't have to stand for that sh*t at all. Your girl is straight mental if she thinks that's okay in the slightest. On paper, it's no big deal. Sometimes you just need to have a little deference in the name of context.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2010): I can't believe howmany of you guys have this kind of situation. Its just like me.
My girlfriend and I have been together for a few months now and we are deeply in love. We spend every moment together and put each other first. But she has several guy friends, and she says that they are only "friends" and she would never put them above me.I trust her but I don't trust the guys. They know exactly what they are doing and its just like what the rest of you have been saying. They are just pushin their limit to see how far they can get, and then waiting for when she becomes available to jump on her. But she can't see this?
someone up there said that males are territorial and need to feel like they are number.one. I know that i am her number one but I don't feel like it when I hear " omg jason is so cute, don't you think he is just so cute ??" .
what to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Ok people. Just tell her you aren't comfortable with it. If she cares about you she will stop texting them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Same problem here. My girlfriend has many men friends that text and email her often. She says they are all only friends. I suggested to her they are hanging around just waiting and hoping for an opening. She does not understand this and says that her friends know they have no chance and that she would not date them no matter how long the hang around. But they are all in her age range. She says that they are just good friends and are not looking for what she wants. I know she would not like it if the shoe were on the other foot. But I won't play that way. Not only do I think this is disrespectful of me but I know this is trouble. Many more times than not I think the jealousy monster always wins in the end. I love her and I don't want to go through all the feelings that I know this will eventually bring. I don't know how to stop the relationship so that we don't have hard feelings later. She knows it bothers me. I hate it. I do think it really shows no concern for me. Now I don't want to be the guy that tries to change her because that more often than not also does not work. So should I just start seeing her less and less. I'm leaning to give it right back to her by saying I just really want to be friends right now. Any other thoughts?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2010): I don't get other women sometimes. Eventually you're going to meet a guy and get married and then what? Still hang out with other guys? I have never seen a relationship (except where the guy was completely pussy whipped) where the girl having guy friends did not cause problems in the long run. Women: Get this through your heads, guys are territorial and don't like other wolves sniffing around their game!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2010): If it something seems wrong, it usually is. Enough said.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): Wow. it is incredible to me to see that im not the only one with the same problem. I believe im in the same situation, although in the beginning of our relationship some guys would actually call her "baby'. I confronted her about this and she told them to stop. Now she does have one best friend that i dont like at all. He has been her best friend for years now, although it doesnt bother me she has male friends it actually builds my ego knowing she chose me. But this "bestfriend" guy really needs to back off. But just chill and everythime you feel you get jelouse try to ignore it. some women have a flirty nature, just dont let it go too far.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): tell her its making you feel uncomfy thaty so many males are texting you as she would feel the same if females were constantly texting you...
good luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): Honestly man, I have the same exact problem with the girl I am dating. I cant really give you advice because I am actually trying to find out the same answer as you. But one thing I can say, is it is frusturating. I guess one thing I can say is just be glad she is with you and not them. Although you can never be too sure, just remember, she choose YOU, not them. If she starts calling them cute or vice versa, then you should start taking more action. If she really cares about you, she will realize that it doesn't make you feel comfortable and maybe she will ease off the friendship with other males..
Another approach which is deemed immature, get some female friends and give her a taste of her own medicine, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, make it obvious that you are trying to get her back, she will get defensive and may try to turn the tables on you.
All in all, I can say that I hope everything goes well for you and your relationship.. I am still trying to figure out mine, especially since I get easily jealous =/
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): The only time you should worry or become a little mad is when she is responding to them while she is on a date with you or spending some alone time with you. I always treat all my girlfriends the same. I don't become attach to them nor I am looking for a long term. So it doesn't bother me cuz I do have to many female friends also. But I dont cheat nor my current girlfriends worry about that. Simple trust is all you need but you gotta remember she picked you for a reason.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): I am a female with a lot of guy friends and I think many of you are completely over reacting. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and had more guy friends than girl friends since before I can remember.. none of which I have EVER had the desire to "be" with. I see my guy friends like girls see their girlfriends except I don't have to put up with the bs drama. I think if your girlfriends are hiding things and not being honest with about her guy friends, then that's a red flag. If she's not hiding things and brings her guy friends around you then you should have nothing to worry about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): Well I think everyone here is missing the point. I do not have a lot of female friends because I don't have time and energy to write emails and text messages. Infact I dont give a s***. I have never written an email or text (except the important one) to my last girlfriend in my 5 years of relationship, but still she was crazy for me. If a girl is not in my bed she won't get a minute of my valuable time.
On the other hand there are loser guys who make friends, spend whole night on phone solving their problems, sending them text messages and in return what do they get? NOTHING. Who gets everything? guys like I and YOU :) That's because girls like to talk to those losers and do the real business with men like us who are male enough not to have many friends for gossip.
Have you ever wondered why this girl is with you and not with them? Because you don't have tie for crap. You are an alpha male, you mean business, and thats what you are getting.
My advice is that you should show her you are a man, let her do the messaging n stuff, don't even care. Guys who send messages and emails have already lost their attraction or will do as soon as they try to hit on her. Get busy with your own life own friends and own business. Don't think about her and bring her to the point that she begs for your attention (evil laugh).
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): Hi friend
I've been here before. My ex girlfriend had many male friends and very few female friends. I played it cool about the jealousy thing and did't want to act up but i monitored her behaviour and in time i realised that her friendships were an "ego boost" for her and her alone.
It came to a point were i was lost in the crowd of her friends and was taken for granted and this is the "issue". If you are not made to feel like number 1 by her then you probably are not number 1.
I have female friends too, but when i'm in a relationship, they all know that my girl is my priority and they take a back seat.
If you find yourelf competing with her male friends for her time, attention, affection , then she simply is not thinking of you but of herself and this sadly is normally the beginning of the end.
Good luck, jealousy is not nice but we have a 6th sense for a reason and a truly caring heart always puts other before itself and gives jealousy no breeding ground to flourish.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): dude,
my g/f has a lot of guy friends she works with. we are in a ldr. We are IN LOVE and I beleive that. I treat her like a queeen that she is and she treats me like a King. we c each other twice a month. She texts two guys that she has known for awhile.She let me know way in the being of our relationship. she says it s straight up that they don't want her, and she says she doent want them. They are just friends. I know that when im with her, shes not texting late at night. a few times when we were togehter. but thats it. the other day she tells me one of them stopped by
to say hi and shoot the breeze. she told me she showed him pics of me and that she is extremely happy and satisfied. I do trust her, but i do agree with one of the previous persons , this guy may be staying in touch to just so he can be there in the end, if our relationship ever does end....which i know it wont. dont know if this helps, but you do have to trust her,
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2010): she likes to flirt. big whoop buddy. so people like her because she texts, do you think they would do this without phones? NO. dragons dont mate like this, and french fries are delicious!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): Well im also having the same problem....i love my girlfriend like hell and heaven all together and she likes being with me....even a few months back the was no problem between us...bt recently she is a bit 'more than required' touch with him...he sends him texts all the time.....even when i am with her...at 2 o clock in the night...nd all he time!!.nd the sad part is that she replies to those....nd she even uses 'love you' nd 'hug you' nd stuff with him.....i am really feeling insure now a days.....nd she knows it!!she always insists me not to worry nd stuff..says hes just a friend...bt i cnt get rid of this sick feeling!!
forgot to mention....this guy has feelings for her....nd he hates me like hell!!!!!
there are many things more that pisses me off...
the only positive part is she is truthful to me nd is not hiding anything form me....i trust her...bt cant get rid of this feeling!!PLZ HELP!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): My girlfriend also had a lot of guy friends. She said that she didn't have any girl friends because she didn't like the drama or w/e. But one day I found out she slept with one of my friends. She had then slept with another, and probably many more of her guy friends.
Girls who have a lot of guy friends do indeed love the attention. A little too much if you ask me.
For some reason, I still love this girl. I don't know why, after she cheated on me, but I still do. It doesn't help to know that it has already happened and might still be going on either. Its killing me inside.
Just avoid these types of girls all together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): i know how you feel bro
my girlfriend is the same
she was myspacing one of her guy friends then i found out he was her ex and that very disturbing and makes me want to just leave her and i guess she has a lot of ex's so i would like an awnser as well
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): Well, I'm going through the same thing and let me tell you it's breaking my heart. I love this girl to death, but she text her male friends in the middle of the night, early morning when we eat out and every moment. It gives me anxiety and I feel so disrespected. I'm a good guy and don't deserver this. I fell head over heals for this girl and she tells me that I'm the only person she ever wants to be with. I want to break up with her, but would feel lost and empty. So I've put up w/this BS and when I have brought this to her attention she kind blows me off and we fight about it. I become cold and a big dick to her, cuz it really upsets me and she acts like it's nothing. I agree with the guys on this, 99.9999% of male friends are friends because they think they might have a shot at this girl. I know this for sure, I've been the other male friend who just befriends a girl. But a guy wouldn't hestitate to sleep with her if she allowed. Either give her an ultimatum and tell her how you feel and that you feel very disrected or eventually get sick to you stomache and knowing that your girlfriend will always cheat on you cuz if you don't workout she has plan b and c ready to go. Now I spoil and treat this girl wonderfully, but deep down, I'm just using her, I hate her so much for doing this to me. If you love someone and really love someone, you just don't do this type of things in relationships. I know now she doesn't value our relationship and me as a person and though she says she loves me, I know she really doesn't. So while I search for another girl, I'm just gonna use her for what it is and if she breaks up with me, I won't care because, I'm putting up my guard up now, but acting normally. Once I find someone who I respect and respects me, I dropping this used up piece of fish back in the slut pond. I may sound angry, yes a little, but I don't care anymore because life's too short to stress and get anxiety over this. So listen up guys, these girls don't really love you, because their world would be your world not every guy she text or talk to...Don't take this shit from these girls, I know it hurts, but seriously none of us deserve this, girls or guys. Either play it out for what it is or get out, cuz in the end, it will be nothing but heartbreak!!!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): I'm in a relationship, and I have a numerous amount male friends. i have known them longer than i have actually known my boyfriend. but I do not, in anyway, think of them as anything more. If my boyfriend has a problem with it, he has not said anything. DO NOT make her chose between you and her male friends, and do not tell her to get rid of them, this will only make you seem inconsiderate or whatnot. I think the best thing you can do is trust her, and try to spend a lot more time with her than she spends time with her other male friends. maybe tell her that you are worried about her having many male friend. when she says she is only friends with them, im pretty sure she means it. you need to trust her. its just the same way with you and your female friends, even if it's only a few. hope i could help
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2009): stay away from girls like this, even if she says she loves you she may not be lieing, but then cannot control hersekf when she is around other guys, she likes the attention she gets from them. meaning she likes guys hitting on her and she likes having control, its a no win situation for you, go find a broad who has normal gf's not guy friends
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male
reader, barca2009 +, writes (15 December 2009):
I have read a lot of answers to this question, and they all say beware of what might happen if you proceed.
i have been through this before and trust me it did not end good. some people are saying watchout she has known her male friends for a while or even longer that she has known you, but does that make her respect them over you? no i dont think so, you need to tell her how you feel, dont ever hide your emotions, if she is hurting you you need to let her know. my ex gf was talking to a male friend, she said dont worry we are just friends, and everybody used to tell me dont be a controlling freak and then i thought i was just overreacting and then boom! she dumps me for him, wow thanks a lot for the advice, so then the conclusion is tell her how u feel, and if she doesnt stop dump her, cuz if she doesnt care about your feelings she doesnt love you, and if she says but they are my friends then just say if you love me ill stay if you dont ill go and see what she says.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): HAHAHA I'm not alone... im in the exact same boat, and i dont know what to do.... and non of the advice any where helps....my big problem is... that atleast 6 of her guy friends that i know about, have made thier intentions clear from e-mails and texts iv seen,what to do!!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): Oh my...I never realized so many people had the same problem as me. My girlfriend of 4 years whom i have a 1 year old daughter with is the exact same way. In the beginning it wasent a problem because she didnt have all these guy friends but after she broke up with me for her ex and came back to me, which made me insucre enough, increasingly started getting more and more guy friends. she called them, texted them, spent the night at their house during our fights, calls them sweetheart and other pet names, flirts with them, its rediculous and ive put up with it for one reason...love...i love her to death and i love my daughter very much and i cant put my daughter through the same bull that i was put through when my mother had 4 husbands. i cant stand it sometimes but i dont know what else to do...maybe a new female friend for me is just what i need but i dont know...thank you all for your input this is just what i needed.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): Having friends either sex is healthy, BUT, Women with more guy friends than girl friends is a big RED FLAG! there "attention whores" one man isn't enough! RUN RUN!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2009): Ok so I'm 20, and I also have a girlfriend with a lot of guy friends. We've been going out for almost a year now and I guess it's been really hard a lot of the times for me. I read everyones opinion on this subject and a lot of the guys feel insecure about their girlfriends, and the girls think the guys are just thinking completely out of jealousy.I love my girlfriend, in the beginning I used to show it to her a lot, every second I would be able to tell her how much I loved her and how much I cared for her, but in the first few months I realized she hangs out with a lot of guys and gets drunk with them and such. Also theres this guy she used to love off who she used to always kiss and do anything for but could never get him to be her boyfriend. For like the first 7 months in our relationship she always used to talk about him. It's like she always tried to find a reason to bring him up. She used to tell me that she's only telling me this stuff 'cause she loves me and wants me to know everything about her past, but the details sometimes just seemed so unnecessary at the moment. She's a flirty type as well and I do trust her and she does make me happy and my friends tell me she's perfect for me 'cause we're so alike. One time I got drunk called her and told her how I thought she liked the guy. She said she didn't and since then didn't talk about him as much as she used to. This only makes me feel like she's just avoiding having me think she likes him. I love this girl a lot, and there's so many things about these guys she "chills" with that just break my heart. Sometimes it's so hard to love her the way I want to but I do it because I've never truly loved someone like this. I've told her a couple of times that it makes me uncomfortable when she hangs out with guys but then I just take two steps back and say that doesn't mean you can't hang out with 'em. I let her do anything but she doesn't realize how much I've been dying in this relationship. I'm scared of telling her how I feel, I don't want her to think she's a bad girlfriend but it kills me. From what she tells me about what happens when hanging out with these guys just doesn't seem right. One guy bit her before, one asks her to draw on his hand 'cause it feels good, one held her hand before. She said she loves me, and I believe her, but I'm scared I'll never tell her how I feel about these guy friends. I guess my biggest mistake was lieing to her in the beginning that it didn't bother me that she hung out with guys. I should be the happiest guy ever, I have the girl I want, but in reality, I've never been more sad in my life. My advice to you, if you're not too deep in the whole, then get out and find a girl that's comfortable with just female friends. Look at me, I ended up falling in serious love, and I think in the end, I'm just going to be in a heartbreaking relationship that I can't get out of.- S
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): Leave her alone, i mean let her do whatever she wants ..
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): I'm also a female and i lost my boyfriend because i couldnt get around the idea he thought i spent too much time with my male friends. Now i realize he was everything i needed and those other guys would eventually move on to have their own lives, so don't do the same mistake as i did. :(
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male
reader, fitftw +, writes (19 September 2009):
I agree with that. If a woman wants a secure man, she should realize that she alone controls that. Men are territorial by nature, and women can get away with having sex with anyone they want if they ask for it or look at a guy in that certain way. So she needs to stop seeing her guy friends, and let you know that you're the only one that matters. That's how a marriage should be, and as a bf/gf it should STILL be that way. If it's not, then you have no future with the girl. That's what I need to realize.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2009): Interesting food for thought here. The whole thing runs both ways. Women have all the choices and men seek to feel exclusive. It's the womans job to promote the security in her man, yes ladies, because of his insecurities. And it's the mans job to believe her provided she is not taking the piss. At the first sign she is then clock it, bank it and watch carefully.
Then, after a while dump her ass and move on.
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male
reader, fitftw +, writes (19 September 2009):
1. Being a guy, I know that no guy gives a damn if their female friend has a boyfriend. They will still bang her if she lets them. Don't ever let someone tell you otherwise. They are lying.2. My female friend asked me to drive her to the airport earlier tonight. She is visiting her guy friend down in Georgia and is staying there for the weekend. She's going to an anime convention. If I don't see any pictures, I'll know she's a lying whore and I won't ever see her again. She's not my gf but she knows that I want her to be. She told me a while ago that she doesn't want a bf, but I can't help it that I do want her to be my gf. We hang out pretty much every day, we go out to dinner, movies, raves, etc. She doesn't really see any guys when she's home, so I'm not sure if she's going to be screwing this guy in Georgia. We usually text a lot at night and she hasn't returned any of my texts after telling me she landed safely. I didn't bombard her, I simply asked if she was having a good time enjoying the warm weather, 2 hours after she landed. I'm not going to text or call her at all the next 2 days unless she texts me. I'm going to pretend that I do not give a rats ass about what she's doing. She knows it bothers me though because I was very quiet driving her to the airport and I was just really awkward. My advice to you is a) stop giving a damn. And b) find women on facebook or somewhere in life to hang out with while she hangs out with guy friends. If she cares, she'll knock it off. If she doesn't, move on because she will not change for you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): i have goen through the same stuff.. i have a good solution. treat the girl exactly the way she treats you...it is the only way to make them realize how you feel, by making them feel it.....two things will happen 1) she will feel the jealousy and insecurity and realize that if she wants you to stop she must also stop 2) if she does not stop seeing her guy friends and is fine with you seeing girlfriends...you now have the best of both worlds and soon through your girlfriends you will have plenty of opportunities to find someone better and more respectful...once you find that person you can conveniently dump you current girl....just in the same way as she would once she finds someone else.....do not give more respect to this kind of girl if she can't give you the same type of respect... teach a girl to behave it like training a dog..... you need to show them a the way...leaad by example...... telling them will simply make them defensive and make you seem insecure which will make her loose attraction towards you...women are attracted to strong alpha males and will always shit test you..... if you succumb to her shit tests she will move on to someone stronger...if you shit test her back she will succummb like a little puppy dog...take it from a PUA ...9 years in the making and still going strong.... for all you who wishh to learn.... MYSTERY METHOD . com. cheers.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): I've had the same problem with my Girlfriend. The problem is I know these guys have feelings for her. One is her ex of three years who can't stand knowing she's with another guy, she ignores him most of the time but he's always texting and calling, I'm sure she answers when I'm not around. Another is a guy who she was friends with, tried dating, but she never liked him like that so it didn't really work out. So I'm sure he still has feelings for her, he can't even handle seeing us together. She's too dumb to know that answering these guys' daily calls and texts is in fact leading them on. No it's not okay for her to party with these guys if they have feelings for her. I dealt with it for a while but its way to emotionally trying when your girl is always getting texts from other guys, she is young and immature and loves the attention. Dude you might love your girl and if you decide to stick together then you are going to have alot of heartache. I left my girl beacuse she couldn't tell these guys to go away. Honestly there are plenty of great girls out there, try and find one that doesn't make you jealous all the time. If she really loves you and wants to make it work , tell her not to answer these texts she's getting all the time, eventually they will stop. It caused me alot of pain to end it, but I would say don't put up with that.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): I can see where you are coming from im one angle, but would you feel the same way if the shoe was on the other foot?
i know that no matter what you say on this blog the answer to that question would be a resounding NO!.
Being a gym junkie i tend to have a lot of very attractive & very fit female friends, but no matter what my girlfriends say when i initially start dating them it always becomes a problem in the end; especially when my friends are younger and hotter than they are.
On the flip side i can see their point too; so i try and limit the contact with my female friends as much as possible when im dating because i respect the girl that im with and with that reason in mind i put it to you that if you truly respected the partner you were with would you not grant them the same respect that you would want yourself??
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female
reader, onfire +, writes (16 August 2009):
Okay, I have been dating a 37 yo male for almost five months now. We get along great, and had a good start, EXCEPT for this problems he has with my male friends (some of 20 years...). I heard the same ol' "it's not you, it's them that I don't trust"...
Well, my thought is that it is his own insecurity. I am extremely loyal, but some of my male friends KNOW me, and are part of my journey through life. I don't call them every day, or text, nor do they to me. But, if it doesn't work out with my boyfriend, I DO have friends that I can count on for anything. All the male friends I have are typically a bit older than me, and will save my butt in any emergency.
I have tried to get my boyfriend to meet them, but once he hears any man's name he tunes out the rest and fumes. At this point, I think it is controlling. I don't get why a man will pout and have stupid tantrums over something that he has no control over no matter what. If she is going to leave you, she is going to leave...Male friends or not.
If you don't want her going to other men for "attention", as you think that it is, then be her bestfriend and give her a lot of attention. I think that bf I have now wants his cake and to eat it too.
Jealousy is such a negative emotion as it is also totally destructive to a relationship. I have dealt with other women hitting on my man, but I know that he will come back to me because I give him a lot of love. Works both ways!
You aren't going to keep anybody by controlling them, but by making them not ever want anyone else but you.
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female
reader, onfire +, writes (16 August 2009):
Okay, I have been dating a 37 yo male for almost five months now. We get along great, and had a good start, EXCEPT for this problems he has with my male friends (some of 20 years...). I heard the same ol' "it's not you, it's them that I don't trust"...
Well, my thought is that it is his own insecurity. I am extremely loyal, but some of my male friends KNOW me, and are part of my journey through life. I don't call them every day, or text, nor do they to me. But, if it doesn't work out with my boyfriend, I DO have friends that I can count on for anything. All the male friends I have are typically a bit older than me, and will save my butt in any emergency.
I have tried to get my boyfriend to meet them, but once he hears any man's name he tunes out the rest and fumes. At this point, I think it is controlling. I don't get why a man will pout and have stupid tantrums over something that he has no control over no matter what. If she is going to leave you, she is going to leave...Male friends or not.
If you don't want her going to other men for "attention", as you think that it is, then be her bestfriend and give her a lot of attention. I think that bf I have now wants his cake and to eat it too.
Jealousy is such a negative emotion as it is also totally destructive to a relationship. I have dealt with other women hitting on my man, but I know that he will come back to me because I give him a lot of love. Works both ways!
You aren't going to keep anybody by controlling them, but by making them not ever want anyone else but you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2009): No one will ever know what is really going on except for her and the dudes she's with bro. It's all about what you feel. Yes it hurts to think about so you don't need to. If she starts giving you those signs that she's found someone or interested then you should probably look the other way.
Signs include: avoiding you, not answering your calls as much or at all, not wanting to show affection in public at all, putting off plans or making them with other guys.
But hey maybe she is the type of girl who basically can't get along with girls....Like I said you never know man. Follow your gut, it might hurt but be strong hangout with your bros and take your mind off of it.
Chris...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): tell her its no good! its either you or them. She is blatantly stringing them along. I hate people like that, they are just attention seekers they know their game. You should leave her
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): I am in the situation as you, I have been dating a truly beautiful young lady for almost 2 months, everything is awesome except she has a large circle of guy friends, I do believe I am the love of her life because she keeps on telling me that, but this annoying feeling of what is she doing when Im not with her truly worries me, I believe trust is the most important part of any relationship, also by being jealous and possesive will make her run away and I am sure you dont want that, my advice to you is trust her and she will stay with you. Good Luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2009): hi, i am 16 yrs old and i have a girlfriend of my own of about half a year now, and i am here to answer your question, as i have succesefully questioned and got the answer to the reason that my girlfriend has so many guy friends. at first, we met on the internet, and she acted kinda slutty and kinky to get my attention i guess, but then we got together, as the time has passed tht slaggyness has quickly died off, so that she is a shy girl and wont do anything in bed for me, asif she has a penis phobia, and i asked her a number of questions to why she has changed and why she knows soooo many guys compared to her girlfriends (about 5) and she said tht she gets on with guys better than girls, which annoyed me as u can understand. The answer bassicly came to me that she enjoys male attention more than girl attention, and told me that she has confidence problems and she was never noticed before, so she acted slaggy to get attention, but when it comes to the real deal....she is just not up to how she makes herself appear too other people. even on pictures taken she posed like a slag, also with other lads. Basicly m8 u need to gently ask her and question her to the point tht u will get to the rute of the problem, i hope i have helped u, good look :)
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reader, Whookid27 +, writes (17 June 2009):
WOW, I am actually in this same exact situation myself, not only that but i have to deal with long distance. I have been dating my gf for a couple of months now about 9 and we recently shifted to long distance because of the change in locations after the school year. Thing is she has soo many guy friends and she always always is hanging out with them. Honestly i dont have a problem when its in a group or with other females. I dont think any guy does in those situations but recently i called her and she was with her ex i did not know at the time because she lied to me and said she was with another guy friend. Later when she confessed and we talked i got mad and really thought about if this is what i want to do because i know how soo often the early signs of lying and misleading often are indications to bigger problems on the way. I decided you know what im gonna let it go but next thing i know I give her a call and she is with another guy alone at his house then later that night having dinner with him alone stillll alone at his house afterwards. I am writing this after speaking with her on the phone and really dont know what to do I feel hurt because i could never dream of behaving in such a way. Being alone with another girl having dinner spending the late hours of the evening alone in their house!! I love this girl so much and i almost know that i have to either just move on before i get hurt or put up with her lifestyle. I have already mentioned my distaste with the way she always is with another on top of the fact she lied about being at her ex's house btw at like 2 a.m what the hell am i really supposed to do. I feel like she is perfect for me but i dont know someone help me out i mean i have no one else to ask?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): My girlfriend also has/had a large number of male 'friends' and I told her right at the beginning of our relationship that her hanging out with other guys, by herself, was not acceptable. It's not a control thing as some might suggest, it's an issue of respect. Even if she is totally in love with me and has no thoughts of romantic involvement with her guy 'friends', she would be treating me with disrespect if she continued to hang out, especially alone, with other guys. She has one friend who would constantly send her messages on the internet and it really bothered me. He didn't know that I had seen most of his messages to her and one of the messages he said, 'Don't tell dave, but i think we're meant for each other'. Now the guy is a total loser and absolutely pathetic, but the fact that she didn't get angry at him or tell him to drop his fantasy about her bothered me. The worst part of all this is that it leads to me having trust issues with her. Although logically, I have no reason to believe she is cheating or would ever cheat on me, I can't help but worry because of how she initially disregarded(so I felt) my feelings about her keeping guy friends around. i would never dream of hanging out with my one female friend if it was just her and I alone. The fact that my girlfriend thought it was somehow ok to do that, has caused me great stress and sadness because I love my girlfriend but she doesn't always seem to understand what is appropriate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2009): I Agree with Bev Connely.I am a female with lots of male friends and my boyfriend doesnt seem to understand that my friends are my friends just to be friends and nothing else.I think he has has problems in the past in regards to things like this and is finding it hard to overcome this.There is nothing for him to be scared or jealous of. I Chose him and dont want anyone else.And as for all the people who are saying "get rid of the girl"No. Thats Bullshit.Im sorry, but for any guy to dump his girlfriend because she has male friends is a fucking looser.Her friends were their before you and are there for a reason.It is unacceptable to give a girl an ultimatum between the boyfriend and her friends. NEVER DO IT. Unless the girl is 100% comfortable with giving up her friends, then dont expect her to do it at the drop of a hat.You have to understand that their are things in her life that are there and that they might not change.Thats what happens in a relationship.If a problem arises, you deal with it and move on.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): Nothing will be more destructive than unintroduced male "friends" - period. The only way out if you should so choose to stay such a relationship is to politely request that she introduce you as her boyfriend, sig other, honey, baby, whatever term of enderment she'd like to present you as to each of her male "friends." The meeting will set the tone for you. Just TRY to attend under as few assumptions as possible, participate in the discussion, be cordial, unsuspecting, and note body language, eye contact, story lines etc. for hints of the usual behavior. It will come out.
If she refuses to set up such a meeting. I would strongly advise anyone in this situation to pull the ejection handle, hold on tight, and bail-out before your relationship crashes - because it will. Don't "try to get back at her." Don't "try to put up with it (you really don't have to and shouldn't have to). Even though your a guy and you think your mentally strong, neither of you will be ready for the tug-of-war this type of an unhealthy relationship will ultimately cause. Lifes too short and with too many opportunities which will, unfailingly, present themselves down the road.
I hope anyone in this scenario remembers to settle down and make a rational request before things get out of control.
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male
reader, youcan +, writes (17 March 2009):
 Run like hell. This girl is no good. She is using you like a cushin and string these other guys along and is sleeping with one of them.
Drop this whore like a hot potatoe. A women does not love you if she disrespects you by communicating with other guys, so blatantly.
I know because I have been on both ends of the stick. I have had casual sex whenever I wanted with x girlfriends and they probable told there boyfriend i was a friend or cousin.
I dating this girl who had all these male friends and was best friends with her x. She would have awkward conversations with the one male friend for ex, this guy called her explaining how he had diaria and could not hang out that day. Her x boyfriend would actually go out to dinner with her. I broke up with her because i looked in her phone and found multiple phone calls and text msg from the x saying how he loves her.
Dude, do not put youself through hell with this girl. Things will not change. Find a girl that really loves you and leave this whore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): I also had this same problem with my ex boyfriend.But he was the one with female friends.It has nothing to do with trust or how much you love someone.I trusted my boyfriend more then anyone.It has to do with your views on how love and relationships should be.Not everyone has the same views as you Ms.Conolly.And if you judge your relationships on who you've known longer....thats a bit screwed.I also can't stand these people who say friends should mean more then boyfriends or girlfriends.Who came up with this stuff.If you have found a partner in life you want to spend and share with forever and are serious about each other....that's a little more important to me then being friends with someone who is also going to eventually move on in life and have their own lives as well...If you can't seperate yourself from friends at some point...I think ya may have a little issue there. As for how I think a relationship should be,if you're really in love,then that should be the only person you need.You should feel more full with that person than any other friend you have of the opposite sex.Hence the reason you shouldn't feel the need or enjoy being with someone else.Why does a bf or gf need to spend any of their spare time with another male or female when they should be spending it with you.If you grew up with a friend of the opposite gender and are such great freinds with them and don't want to let them go....then grow up...seriouslly.I don't know anyone in my family who are older and have been married for years and years who have childhood friends of the opposite sex.I think it's also a problem if you want to keep living in the past when you should be living for the future.When you and your partner get in a serious relationship,I think there's things that are expected of you.To show you care and respect that person.Anyone who says love is patient and is kind or that love doesn't mean you try to change someone is kidding themselves.Youre going to change when you are in a relationship ....love can be patient and it can be kind....but its more then that.And if you love someone I think you want only them in you're life and it doesn't bother you to leave things in the past like female friends or male friends for them.Personally,I just don't want them around.Anyways....im just rambling....Like I said...its not that you dont trust someone....you just need to be content in your mind and heart to know that that person could choose u over anything if it came down to it.Cause I could do that for someone and they should be able to do that in return.Best bet is to be with someone who shares the same views as you....if not on everything...at least this one thing.
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reader, 00alawre +, writes (5 June 2008):
Hey there peeps, having the exact same problem with my gf at the moment! We've been together for a fair amount of time now and alot of her male freinds started ignoring her wen we got together, apparently they didnt like her having a bf or something stupid. I know these people and get on with them but they just ignore her now and treat her differently.
Anyways... besides that she seems to think its fine to invite a bloke round her house to watch a film... even though i hadnt seen her for over a week and she knew i had a day of work (could of asked me to do something). Anyways she calls me paranoid and tells me i dont trust her, but i do! But as a man, and most men will agree, being good freinds with a female on her own, just you two, is not all there is too it. For the women maybe, but the man will always be thinkin in the back of his mind that he's being freindly more of a reason than just being mates. In other words he thinks that he can get in on it, and probly thinks she wants to aswell, especially if she invited him round!
It really bugs me when she does it because i know for a fact that she would not be happy if i invited a lady round mine to watch a film. Its different when its a group of people, men and women, but wen its one on one and more personal there has got to be more there than "just freinds" surely, otherwise she would of asked me to do something right?
Just not sure what to do about the whole situation, i love my gf very much and shes told me she loves me, and the last thing i want to do is push her away or lose her because of my thoughts so what do i do? any help would be much appreciated ppl!
Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): My girlfriend has many guy friends, and I have expressed how uncomfortable it made me feel, and she insisted on hanging out with these guys because she is bored and they were fun to be around! She totally disregarded how that made me feel, so I finally gave up the fight, and now I am doing the same thing! She always told me it wouldnt bother her if I did the same to her, but now she hates it, and now she truly loves me, and those other guys dont mean a thing, and she will stop talking to them and hanging out with them! That is all great, but the part of our relationship where I use to care about how she fealt is gone! I love her, and I want to be with her, but I figure what is good for the goose is good for the gander, and now it is her turn to see just how bad it hurts!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): If I were you, I would be skeptical about her motives with these so called friends. My last girlfriend broke up with me solely on the fact that she wanted to hang out with her male friends more. She didn't say it to my face, but I know that's the reason because a few of them had returned from college and she started hanging out with them all of a sudden. It was almost as though she had begun dating other guys right in front of me and then decided she didn't want to be with me anymore. That was a two year relationship, just think of how much influence other guys can have on a girl's decisions.
I would keep an eye on how much she is communicating with her guy friends. If you notice that she is asking them for advice on certain things or talking to them about her personal life and things you normally wouldn't talk to a platonic friend about, you need to bring it to her attention and have a talk with her. If you don't find out what exactly is going on, you might end up the same way I did. I lost the girl of my dreams over some stupid guy friends.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): The last reader says "If you are like most of us guys, you are ok with this behaviour at some level." BS. Any guy with half a brain knows that none of his girl's "guy friends" are wasting time on chit-chat unless they think they're going to get some or they already are.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008): The last reader says "If you are like most of us guys, you are ok with this behaviour at some level." BS. Any guy with half a brain knows that none of his girl's "guy friends" are wasting time on chit-chat unless they think they're going to get some or they already are.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): Speaking as an older male who has experienced this issue:
1) Some girls like hanging out with guys...just for the attention or just because they dislike hanging out with other girls...if you are a guy that hates that type of thing...plain and simple...find a girl with different habits.
2) If you are like most of us guys, you are ok with this behaviour at some level. Talk to other guys (not her friends - your friends) who can observe her habits. If the concensus is that you are being unreasonable, try to work on your issues...I am telling you jealous tendancies can be lessened over time.
3) If it is unreasonable behaviour and other people also agree...dump her...period.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): It sounds like your girl likes the attention. The guys may not be in a relationship, but she is and they need to respect that. She needs to be upfront with them, so they are not hopeful of a relationship with her. . . and she should respect you enough to curb the texting of those she deems "hopeful."
Just my opinion!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): responce to" A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008):
Ok mate u say that u r 16 and she has had a heap of other relationships & by the sounds of it u r not getting any action from this chick anyway.
If thats the case i can tell u that she is getting her action elsewhere & u would be better off checking out if she has a her sister instead.
If u r not getting it now then u r going to b one of the many guys thats hanging on her MSN buddies just waiting for the chance to bang her again of for the first time.
so do yourself a favor and move on mate because a chick with too many guy friends is not a good chick to date if u really want to keep your sanity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2008): Look im 16, and i know that i have a lot to learn about relationships... but it dosnt mean that i cant get hurt the same way.My gf and i have been together for a few months and shes all i can think about. She has an abundance of male friends, that she talks to on the phone, txt messeges, or even hangs out at her house... she tells me she loves me and i beleive her, its just when i start thinking about her and all these other guys do i get this feeling of jealusy. did i mention that every single guy friend she has, shes gone out with before, some more serious than others, and that her brother is a close friend of mine. shes constantly bringing up other men in front of me or on msn, and how shes in an arument with one, and another is helping her through it, while the other one is sending her love letters telling her that he misses her and wants her back. I'm afraid to bring this up with her in case i come off as controlling, and i dont know what i should feel like. do i have the right to be worried, or am i being paranoid and i need to grow up, or maybe a combination of the the two. I don't have a whole lot of other female friends and i got to thinking that if i did, i dont think that she would want me to be spending as much time with them as she dose with her other guy friends, although she would probaby say that she is ok with it, just so that she wouldnt have to abandon some of her guy friends.In the past shes blown through relationships like no one iv known before, and that worries me too. im also afraid that if i try to bring me insecurity up with her that i wont be able to spit the right words out and it will result in a break up. One more thing... my gf refuses to do anything with me thats not paced correctly even though shes done shit with other guys when they werent even dating. when i confronted her about this, she said that she wanted to go slow with me so that our relationship lasts longer than her previous ones, because she loves me to much to have a relationship based on sex. this could either go two ways... either shes telling me the truth and she realy loves me that much that she wont rush into anything without a lot of planning and occasion, and in that case i dont know what to think :S. or she could be completely bullsh@ting me and she wont do anything because she either is doing it with another guy and would feel guilty to do it with me, or she thinks that im ugly and it would be gross. I just don't know what to do, im worried that if we wait too long to experiment that our relationship will turn into a brother sister one almost, and if that happens, then things would just be weird for us if we did decide to experiment.Anyways i've ranted long enough and would greatly appreciate it if some1 gave me some advice on how i should deal with my jealousy and insecurity, when repsonding call me "Noon"
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): I have the same issue with an ex-girlfrind that i stillhave a lot of feelings for, but she has way too many other guys in her life, we broke up initially because she didnt trust me when i spoke to a girl at one of the gyms that we go too, but it was ok for her to collect other guys phone numbers and go out to "Dinner" with guys that want to give it to her??
well we have had this on again and off again relationship for a while now, but i have figured out the best way to deal with her is to play her at her own game, Put the competition back into our relationship, i just ignore her a little, i dont call her back for a day or so, for some reason she is now chasing me?? i get laid when ever i want, she knows the i have a girlfriend (eventhough i dont lol) and she is constantly giving me ultimatiums about leaving my girlfriend, its awesome :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): I have been going through the same situation ever since I met my girlfriend she has receive text messages and phone calls by her so called friends but my situation is worse because these so called friends have been ex boyfriends and friends that can't wait to get a shot at her, this has been the main reason we argue and it's to a point that I can't stand her even having a phone, it sucks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): i don,t know man i am kind of going through the same thing you are you know the naked girls on music jesus welll she thinks i am looking at them but i know i am not i don,t know what ot do it,s really making me mad what do you think i should do well i think you should just say i dont really like you having a large number of friends but i love you
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): Bev, yeah thats what they all say...but what happens wen boyfriend gerts jealous too much and DOES push her away and then what she does is end up with in a relationship with one of these "friends" afterwards (I speak from experience)............ us blokes know exactly why blokes are "friends" with girls...to simply have a "fuck buddy" "fuck friend"
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): I would like to put my two cents in on this subject. I feel as though you shouldn't date someone who has many male friends. You are taking a risk, and you need to worry about yourself in this situation. There is the capacity to cheat, especially if she is going to be involved in a one-on-one interaction with a male. Feelings are spontanious, and it doesn't matter if these males are catagorized as "friends". These "friends" can still make an attempt at your girlfriend. There is also a possibility of your girlfriend accepting one of these attempts, especially with a "friend" she feels more comfortable around (has been "friends" with for years).
I also feel that if a woman has the need to go on dates with male "friends", then she is not ment to be in a relationship. She will attempt to say that these interactions aren't dates, and call you controlling if you question this. Many of you have talked about your girlfriend going to the movies with another guy. THAT IS A DATE! What do you call it when you take her to the movies... A DATE! You shouldn't have to compete to be in a relationship. You are asking to be emotionally scarred in the long run.
I would consider the "only friends" statement ambiguous. She is infact filling voids in her emotions with many relationships (many male "friends"). Perhaps she can connect with these "friends" better on some subjects, in comparison to how you connect with her. If she has had these "friends" for years, you aren't going to have a chance to hone how you interact with her on these subjects. Simply put, they know ways to make her feel good, ways that you haven't discovered yet. You probably won't get a chance to either. Once she is set in her ways, there typically isn't any way back.
So why does she want you as her boyfriend, and why doesn't she call these other "friends" her boyfriends? In my opinion, it is because you were randomly selected as her "boyfriend". She may favor you slightly because you make her feel better in a way that no other "friend" has figured out. Also, I feel as though she must crown one as "boyfriend", because then this opens up the competition (aiding in making her feel better about herself, makes her feel like a princess). She doesn't call these other "friends" boyfriends because, quite simply put, there would be no competition then.
In conclusion. IMHO, she is only using you as a tool in filling her emotional voids. She is also pumping herself up by having many men compete over her, trying to become the crowned one known as "boyfriend". You can find a girl that is better for you. There are many fish in the sea my friend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): Looks like this is a thread that will run and run. Im in the same position as most other guys here, my gf has recently made friends with a guy, she says its just friends but he has admitted to me and her that he would be happy to get involved with her and that he does find her very attractive. He knows that his being around is causing problems but it doesnt stop him texting or ringing or calling round for advice. She does not want to be dictated to about who she can and cant see and i dont do that...BUT i have asked that she do more to stop him from 'pushing' the friendship so much and to back off a bit, but she wont do that as she sees it as me telling her who she can and cant be friends with, ohhh and she also points out that i used to have a good female friend who caused problems in our relationship (although she forgets that since i realised it was a problem my friendship with that female has changed to the point that i hardly ever se her or her husband anymore just to appease my gf).
Stay strong guys, women will always have the upper hand sadly and all we can do is accept it and deal with it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): First and Foremost, mY boyfriend and I are having the same problem..he gets upset when i look at other guys but it doesnt mean that i DONT love him..i love him alot and he needs to understand that..he only recently confronted me that I look at other guys in the mall..i wasnt aware that i do this but it happens..but again i love my boyfriend and i think he is being a bit paranoid..
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): Like many others, I am in the same situation - my girl loves male attention and has an untold number of guy friends. She has even confessed to me that she is resentful toward her father for working too much and not being around more during her childhood.
I had been with her for almost two years before I chucked her from the house about a month ago for lying to me about where she was one night while I was at work. She told me she spent the night at her aunt's house babysitting but a friend later informed me that she was actually at a party with this guy who has a lot of balls and has been giving her too much attention for months now. To sum it up, this guy won't look me in the eye when the three of us are all in the same room. I even learned that the guy acted all squirrely when my brother (who looks just like me), not knowing the connection, went into his store one day. So you know where I'm going here.
She moved in with a girlfriend, but we still work together and see each other and have to act professionally. Basically I only see her at work, but since she says she has to "find herself", I give her the space that she says she needs and I roll with the punches. But then she keeps telling me that I am the love of her life and that she loves me more than anything in the world. Then last night, she sends the hard-core re-kindling vibes and she takes me out to dinner and it was great. On the way home driving she gives me a busniess card to the jeweller that has the engagement ring that she wants me to buy her and when we get home we make love again for the first time in months.
So what happens when I call her during my drive home from work tonight? She's at a bar and met up with a guy friend, but insists that they're only friends when I asked who she was there with. That's fine, but why didn't you want to spend time with me? We both work like 60 hours a week and when she has a few free hours, it's with other guys (or gals, the sex doesn't really matter).
Okay, so I'm insecure. Shoot me. My biggest hang-up is that I can't be the everything-man for her. If I'm as great as she says that I am, why do I have to constantly compete with other guys for her attention?
I chose to let her go before I Googled and found this thread. It's so hard, her being such a big part of my life for so long. Basically I am ranting and seek no real advice, I just wanted to help any other men that are on the fence but suggesting that they have some self-respect and drop her and move on with their lives.
And to Bev Connoly: With all due respect, you have no idea what makes the male mind tick. My advice to you is to read as much as possible about the subject, and when in the company of people who are talking about the subject, ask plenty of questions.
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reader, mandefro  +, writes (8 November 2007):
I was so excited while i saw your question because these were happened to me.I had a girl friend nine months before . I love her very much even if it does not known one's heart feeling, i think she loves me . As you indicated, she has a lot of male friends, and she is also so open that guy thinks as love them. In contrary i don't want to have many female friends. I told her many times to quit this behavior but she could't and finaly our relationship discontinued even if i love her.Do you remeber one tale in ethiopia " kesho yetetega kulkual zelalemun siyalkis yinoral"
bye
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): I have had the opportunity to read all of the responses to this question and I'll add my two cents to the discussion. I am currently in a relationship like this. My girlfriend has guy friends that she hangs out with (one on one a lot) and it makes me extremely uncomfortable. Further, she is extremely flirtatious and doesn't seem to understand the whole "respect your man" issue. I think it comes down to ego, ergo selfishness on her part. I don't think she'll do anything, but that's not the point. For example, she went out with a male friend recently (a guy who I know)to a bar that all of us had been to and she told me that it would just be the two of them and that it would be funny to confuse the bartender. Huh? My first instinct was to ask why the bartender would be confused. Does she interact with her guy friends the same way she interacts with me when I'm not around? If so, that's grossly inappropriate. My response was that the bartender wouldn't be confused, he would just think that she was in a polyamorous relationship. That comment didn't make her too happy.
The second issue is that the guys that would hang with a girl and not respect the relationship are a bloodsucking, weak guys. The only reason they hang out with our girlfriends is that they don't have any themselves! Pathetic.
I'm not sure in the end that there is much we can do about it, except to let the girl go. Before that, however, I would have a frank (and diplomatic) conversation with her about the issue and give her some time to sort it out. If she doesn't get it after a while, let her go. You'll be happier for it in the end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): the guy freinds she has want sex. thats the blunt answer
if ur girlfreind is unwilling to acknowledge taht then you will have to try a differnt way to explain it to her. Ask her not to see them as much as before, but there is no way in hell you can expect her to be ok with you telling her to not see them at all. if you think you need to do that that you dont need to be with her. haha but contrary to what bev said, them wishing her a good day isnt freindly at all, who the f@ck whould go out of there way to text your pritty g/f in the morning if they wernt interested?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2007): There is an overall theme that we as males are faced with in all the above writings. We are all deeply insecure of ourselves emotionally, financially, intimately, physically, and in other more complex ways that women don't understand but must face on a level where they see us at our worse. We must first and foremost, define our relationships with others, especially our wives and girlfriends.
Is it an open relationship, where there are no double standards i.e.: You have a female friend that you can chat, text, and go out with, without any feelings of jealousy? There should not be any double standards if this is the case, and both persons should be open and honest about their platonic relationships.
Do you trust the person you are with? Does she respect you? This doesn't involve you setting rules and she following them. Respect is when she is treating her platonic friends as if you are there watching her every move (but please don't as this is grounds for a breakup). Is she speaking intimately or flirtatiously with other men, because that in a form can be considered cheating. Cheating does not always involve coitus or even physical contact. Cheating is just sharing something special with some one other than your significant other.
Here's my suggestion to all: get to know her friends. Hey, what the hell go hang out with them too. Get to know them more than she knows them, and that will help you feel better about them hanging with her. Next, and most importantly, talk to her. Talk to her honestly and openly but without judging her or anyone she knows. If talking doesn't help, or doesn't work, this is the wrong person for you. The core of any healthy relationship isn't setting rules or boundaries or even just being with someone attractive that you have to suffer with. It is COMMUNICATION. Communication works both ways: talking and listening. Good luck to all, may we all work through our issues and find peace and happiness and love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2007): Look dude I have the exact same problem with my girl friend. Ive been dating her for about 4 months. I understand why she has mainly guyfriends: she lives with 3 other girls and she hates girls. Most women enjoy the company of men more than other females. And trust me a girl that is open and honest about her friendship with other men in front of you is a keeper. Chances that she will cheat on you are less likely than a girl who only hangs out with other girls and every other saturday its "girls nite at the club"!! I dated this girl with tons of girlfriends who always told me "I hate being approached by men they all want the same thing..." and she ended up burning me badly. Now i enjoy the company of this girl who knows tons of guys but is a true and genuine sweet heart. I'll take this girls word of honesty in an uncomfortable situation over the comforting BS these other girls used to tell me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007): I think it's great to get a woman's point of view (above), because it shows that woman can not intuitively understand the instinctual perspective of males.One can be the best boyfriend in the world and thus should be concerned about his girlfriends putting themselves in bad situations. We as guys know that these guys are either gay or waiting for her to become single or vulnerable. Thus, they can feist on the rebound. This is instinctively known on the subconscience level of men even when the are unwilling to admit it on the conscience level.Since we can't expect them to accept the male drive, we need to convince them of the right course of action . Ask your girlfriend to answer to herself in private, does she have sexual feelings for her male friend(s)? Either way it's good for her to see less of them when she's in a "love" relationship. Because, if she has sexual feeling for her male freind(s) frequent one-on-ones with them shows that her attitude towards you is not what I would call "commitment". Conversely, if she dosen't have sexual feelings for him, she shouldn't string him along. Unfortunatley, most people don't want to see the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): I've always found this to be interesting because it's one of only a few cases where a double standard works against men.Of course this isn't always the case, but most of the time it is much more permissible for a woman in a relationship to have several male friends versus a man in the same situation. My guess is that this goes back to the idea that the woman will display more restraint -- and perhaps there is some truth in that.Anyway, I found myself in this situation: I was with a very attractive girl who had several male friends that pre-dated us getting together. Even after half a year together she would still go out with a particular male friend to the movies or nice dinners.Now I did trust her, and obviously you can't tell her to not speak to friends she's known longer than you, but I did explain to her that it made me uneasy and why.As guys, we know why we're friends with a pretty girl when single. I mean seriously -- is it because you love pretending to be understanding when she calls you sobbing after a fight with her man or something gone wrong at work? Of course not...you're friends with her because you enjoy the ego boost from being with a pretty girl, and because in the back of your mind you're positioning yourself for when she's available...or even before.The sole female response (from Bev Connoly) drives home that point. Your girlfriend sincerely believes that her guy friends are just interested in chumming around, but as men we know that's really not the case. Even when (and often especially when) we truly enjoy that woman's company, there are ulterior motives in our heads. Perhaps they'll never be acted upon but they're there.To the guy who wrote this question, ask yourself this -- would you text someone in the morning just to "wish them a good day" if you weren't interested?? Absolutely not!So I realize I'm rambling so to cut to the chase here's what I did, and it worked out pretty well:I found a moment (while watching an MTV show about cheaters...brilliant TV I know) where I could seamlessly start a frank discussion about this kind of thing -- re: what would make each of us uncomfortable. To me, this is KEY in a relationship. Establishing with your partner what makes each of you uncomfortable in regards to opposite sex friends, because then when that line is crossed, you do have grounds to be upset, or more optimistically, your partner will respect those lines and there will be no problem.You need to have this talk with your girlfriend and explain your very reasonable concerns. If she is a stable person she will at least discuss it with you and you two can come to a compromise.Once again, you can under no circumstances tell her she needs to cut it off with all her male buds, but you can establish ground rules that both of you can live peaceably with.It's a tough situation so good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): I've had this problem as well. My approach, now, to this situation, and any situation that is not in line with what I am looking for in a relationship with a woman is to be honest with myself. I think this is one of the biggest mistakes men make and it's due to our ego and our desire to be with attractive women. You have to be able to walk away from something when a legitimate red flag occurs. If your girlfriend is doing something that you are not comfortable, ask yourself if you think she would really WANT to change for you, not change because YOU want her to change. I am of the opinion that it's easier to count on people not changing and your results are more predictable. Find a woman who does not hang out with men. A woman that has more male friends then female friends is showing some pattern that, in my opinion, is a red flag.If your girlfriend is going out with guys and you don't like it, let her go. You will be both happier in the end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2007): I have the same issues with my girl friend and her guy friends (particularly one of her X bfs). So far I've found no good advise and just a lot of guys who have the same problem. The girls that respond indicate that it's all about trust and they are not going to change. Well let me say trust is only one component of a relationship. Another important component, at least for men, is respect. I expect that two partners will have mutual respect for each other. If you are a guy, try having female girl friends, lunches with girls, going out with the girls, etc. Would your girl friend put up with that? So, why are we males expected to put up with it from our girl friends? Give me the same respect and consideration that you want! If we all approached relationships that way, relationships would be much easier.Here is an analogy: Let's say your girlfriend's boss wanted the files sorted in a certain way, because that is what makes him comfortable and that is how he can find things. Is she going to say, "you’re not changing me, that's the way I am, that's how I file, adjust to it or…"? No, she is going to do what her boss says. Why then do the girls treat their "lovers" with less respect than they do an employer? Is not love the most important thing in life, above possessions, jobs, etc. ? (I know some guys want to be the boss and be controlling, I'm not talking about that situation). First, we need to be men. Be honest, be true, be upstanding, protect those that are weaker, do what is right, etc. Be of good character. Be the best men we can be. This is ht women are looking for but they just don’t seem to want or be able to give up the old “good time Charlies”. We need to help through that.Second, we need to communicate openly and tell our women how we feel. This is the hard part for men. Partly because we don’t' like to show our feelings and weaknesses and partly because we think and communicate differently than women. Third, we need to let the women know there is some accountability. Don't sneak around with your guy friends because you know we don't like it. Don't make up stories about how you were just walking and .... or whatever. If a man feels a women is not being honest, that will eat at him and likely it will lead to the end of the relationship. Both parties need to keep it honest and above board.Fourth, women need to ask themselves what they get out of the extra male relationships? Is it about their ego? Do the have a daddy complex? Is their man not fulfilling there needs? Why don't they have more girls friends? Why? After all, one woman is expected to be enough for a man – right? What ever the reason, the women need to address it so they can have healthy and appropriate relations ships with all the men in their lives, particularly if the want to find a keep a good man long term as a lover and life partner.Why don't these women have more girls friends? My guess is that it is like this: Most guys that have girl friends who have a lot of guy friends, are probably dating a hottie! That's right, I bet most of your girl friends are hot and have been in several (at least 2-3 other) serious relationships. The guys she knows like to be associated with her because she is hot. The girl, if she is hot, likely has a huge ego to feed. She probably likes attention - you can tell if you go out to a club by watching her actions and who she talks to. That type of girl needs to examine herself and ask if she really wants a monogamous long-term relationship with a guy or is she just out to have fun all the time?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2007): Man, I have the same problem. My girlfriend has a lot of guy friends that she loves to hang out with. We have only been dating for four months and I'd like to think that we love one another. I just can't seem to trust her around these guys. I know that part of the reason is that she tends to get frisky when she drinks and when she goes out with these guys she drinks. Maybe another part of the reason is that I'm insecure about myself and relationships due to past relationships. Can someone recommend something that I could do to get over this. I really don't have any reason not to mistrust her and I hate the way it makes me feel and worse yet, the way I act when I feel thi way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2007): My g/f has a couple of male friends, me and her used to go out a lot, but ever since I have lost my job I haven't had the money to go out like we use to. Now lately she has been goin out with one of her male friend a lot, and he pays for her. I don't know what to do. How does anybody feel about this situation. The guy is single, and he always asks her to go out.
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reader, brokeanddumb +, writes (4 May 2007):
My gf has 3 male friends that she thought would be good mentors for her children with no father around. She told me they were apparently using her kids to get to her, but still maintains a friendship with them. Friend one calls her all the time, stops at her house, gets angry if she talks to me or goes out with me. Cries all the time, tells her he loves her and is so obsessed with her it's scary. He refuses to meet me, even though we have sat at the same table together.
Friend 2 I haven't met yet. As soon as he found out about me, he wrote her a long love letter that he stuck in her door.
Friend 3... met him right away. He shook my hand, then refused to look at me the rest of the evening and had that "whipped puppy" expression we've all worn or seen at one time or another when hearts were breaking.
The point is, I have been very patient with it all up til now. It's been wearing thin anyway, but today, while we were speaking on the phone, she says, hang on, I have another call. A couple minutes later she comes back and tells me it's friend 3 and he's inviting her to straddle up behind him for a motorcycle ride, and wants to know if it's ok with me. She's true to me, I have no doubt whatsoever. This isn't a situation where I'm worried she'll dump me for him. This is a situation where I can't understand how she can value a "friendship" so much when she admits he used her kids to get to her, and obviously is looking for more than friendship from her. This is a situation where if it were reversed, she would be jealous as hell. Finally, this is a situation where I think the most trusting person on the planet would have a problem with his or her significant other climbing onto a motorcycle with somebody who wants a romantic relationship with them, regardless of the level of mutual interest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2007): I have to admit i am in the same situation myself and my GF even asked if she could go away for a few days with this male friend she has and bit my head off when i said i dont think i could deal with it based on the fact i couldnt trust him and she took it that i couldnt trust her. It is so difficult and at times i feel it is eating away at me, she often talks about her other male friends and she goes out to the cinema by herself with a one of them and has dinner but again i am assured it is just friendship....grrrrr it is so difficult to trust a situation based on a given word, the old story of you cant see what is happening behind closed doors, what gives me reason to trust her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): i,ve been going out with my girlfriend for nearly a year now and i still can,t see the light when it comes to the subject of male friends.She has loads of friends, some of them male, of which one of them she never stops talking about.He flys over to see her every 2 months, they go out for lunch, dinner & drinks and she seems so thrilled about it - she seems happier than with me! i,ve questioned her about if she,d made a big mistake with me but all she can reply is "don,t start that subject again".Impossible to talk!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007): I'm in the same situation. I give her the benefit of the doubt but it does make me uncomfortable. Young women these days seem to be extremely ego greedy. I think it is selfish and disrespectful in some cases but i accept that that's how 99% of girls are.I have a few female friends but we don't text each other constantly.
Its obvious that if a guy is texting a girl regular he's after a more than friendship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006): I am in the same situation with my girlfriend. To counter this feeling of her having guys always pumping her ego, I started collecting girls numbers and making my own girlfriends. Now there is nothing going on with them and myself, but these girls would like to date me. Now I have girls making me feel good about myself but its not helping with my current g/f situation
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2005): If you accept this behaviour then it will never stop. You know as well as I do why these guys are texting her. They are trying to move in on you. Have you met them? I bet you haven't and you never will. They will sneak around. Don't let anyone tell you to get over it and accept it because I bet you won't. It is bad behaviour from her and shows a lack of respect for you. You are right to feel how you do. Move on is the best advice I can give or you'll regret not doing it later. Believe me. It might be hard to do but the future with her is bleak i'm afraid.
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A
reader, shan +, writes (20 May 2005):
You say you have only been with this girl a few months. Has she actually done anything that makes you doubt her? Tell her how you feel, but remember she may have been friends with some of these guys longer than she's known you, so be careful and learn to trust her. If you don't you'll push her away. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (19 May 2005):
 Speaking as a woman who has lived my entire life surrounded by a large number of strictly-platonic male friends, I would suggest you step back and look at this objectively:1. The friends were there before you were. Trying to tell you girlfriend who she can have as friends is about as off-limits as you can get. It's like trying to control what she can wear to work, or where she can live and, it's not on.2. She has told you that she doesn't have any romantic feeling towards them, so you have to trust her on that. Relationships can only thrive in a climate where trust is bountiful. However "hopeful" those other men are, and however fevered their thoughts may be, I doubt they could "trick" your girlfriend into falling in love with them, just by sending her a text message.3. The texts that you've described don't sound particularly worrisome. You don't write that they say "Hey hot cheeks, how about another one like the one from last night?" You write that they wish her a good day. That's not really all that threatening... honestly. Is it?You say that you're confident that your girlfriend loves you. That's pretty much all you could ask for. However, if you must, consider mentioning to her - in a non-judgemental way - that sometimes you do get concerned about the number of messages from her male friends and you can't help feeling a little jealous that she's still so popular. Perhaps ask her... kindly, respectfully... if she'd be willing to reduce the frequency that she responds to them, so that they 'get the message' (so to speak) that she's n longer available.Finally, remind yourself again and again that, even in the midst of all this male attention, she chose you. YOU, sir. Apparently, there are lots of men who she could go out with, but she doesn't want any of them. She wants you.Repeat, repeat. Re-repeat. Good luck with it.
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