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writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years and he's always had a problem with holding a job. So anyway we've lived together for two years now and the past three months I've been supporting both of us because he hasn't been working (to make sure we keep everything we have together). I've been working seven days a week and my shifts are very long. Meanwhile, at home, he's not doing anything but playing poker with his buddies and sleeping. I do all the housework, and make all the money. I'm just confused on whether he really loves me or he's using me? I love him more then my own life, but I just feel lonely and tired. Then when I don't give him sex or money he says I'm not good for anything. He hasn't always been this inconsiderate, but I'm also kinda worried that he'll pick up and leave and he owes me over eight thousand. I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I'm just not sure if he's that into me any more? Plus all his friends say that he's being a big time ass, and everything's on my plate. Please Please Help Me!!!!!
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (4 May 2005):
 Well, his friends are right. He is being a big-time ass. The question is, why? And the next question is, why have you been tolerating it for so long? My third question would be: If you're suffering strain now, why do you want to arrange to spend the rest of your life this way?This man isn't a boyfriend any more; he's your dependant. You write that he's always had a problem holding down a job, so think long-term: It's 10 years from now. You've got an adorable son and an even-cuter daughter together. You're still working 7 days a week and look 20 years older than you are today, since you're working and taking care of the kids and doing the housework. And guess what? Your partner is at home, playing poker with his friends and unable to keep a job. Oh, and he snipes at you and tells you you're "worthless" when you don't hand over the cash.Sound fun?I may not be Nostradamus, but I think it might be your future. At least, if you don't make some changes.First, it's possible that your guy is suffering from depression. It can happen to men who lose their self-esteem when they lose their jobs. INSIST that he go to his doctor for a physical and to be checked for depression. Hey, he's got loads of time, right? No excuses. If he's suffering from a physical ailment, he needs to be treated.Second, tell him that the current arrangement is not working for you. You can't be the sole bread-winner and continue to work such long shifts, while he plays with his mates.Here's a few questions I'd be asking: If, 3 months ago, he had a job and lost it, why did he lose it? Retrenchment? Fired? Quit? What's his job history like? Is this just a recurrence of a pattern? How hard has been looking for a new job? Does he have any skills? Is his CV bright and shiny and up-to-date? Does he need help in finding an employer, or is his problem that he doesn't care about keeping the jobs he gets?Third, once you've done those things, give him a reasonable timetable to find - AND KEEP - another job. You need to decide what's reasonable, based on his skills. A month? Two months? That's up to you. But you have to draw a line and mean what you say, or he'll keep leeching off you, basically forever. He doesn't sound too motivated.Fourth, speak to Legal Aid and find out what steps you can take to make sure that he doesn't skip out on the debt he owes you. Check the government section of the phone book for 'legal assistance' or a similar term.Finally, please reconsider aligning yourself with this guy for the rest of your life, at least until he sorts out his reluctance to work. Unless you're an Executive-type with a salary to match, or you enjoy your 7-day-a-week schedule, you're going to need both your incomes to live on. And this guy doesn't sound very dependable.Good luck.
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