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anonymous
writes: My live in boyfriend cheated on me last year by getting a happy ending massage. I found a credit card receipt for the massage parlor hanging out of his wallet. (Obviously, he's not that witty when it comes to covering his tracks). It was devastating to me as I am faithful and loyal to a fault and expect the same. I immediately kicked him out of our home until I found my own apartment. He was truly sorry, and spent many nights crying to me. He felt ashamed, embarrassed and very remorseful for months. I became physically ill with despair over this, and still spend nights crying myself to sleep. It is a year and a month later, and we still talk frequently. We are trying to resolve the issues that led to last year's break down. And although he is doing well at times, other times he is a complete jerk. He goes through phases of being withdrawn and irritable, and is often angry with his words. In addition, he has a drug problem with marijuana, which I have asked him to quit. He has significantly cut down to twice a month. This is an improvement from multiple times a day. However, he usually can't keep this up for too long, and will often lie to me about smoking so that he doesn't have to hear it from me. All of his friends are chronic potheads, and basically revolve their daily activities around getting high. He refuses to find new friends, even though he states he would like to remain sober, but can't abstain all the time in their presence. The lies about the pot are not helping to reestablish the trust that he took from me. He also spends about $40/month on internet porn now that we don't live together. I find that to be demoralizing and degrading, as I feel that he only values women for his own sexual gratification. We have had very passionate sex a handful of times in the past year and I've always wanted it but felt dirty afterwards. I love this man, but I don't know if I can ever forgive and forget what he has put me through, both with the cheating and the pot. I have a difficult time as it is with trust. My question to all the readers is, do you believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater"? How can I cope with what he has done? And, what do you think about a grown man who regularly smokes pot? Any insight to anything I have said would be very helpful. And, as a regular reader, Bev C, I'd love to read your response.
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reader, Wildberries +, writes (24 May 2005):
I don't think that cheating is the only problem here. You say you love him but cannot find even one good thing to say about him!? I am thinking that he has enough problems, and you can't fix them. He has to.Find someone else who is more your style.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (13 May 2005):
 I don't know about the "once a cheater..." mantra. Certainly /many/, if not most, cheaters seem to reoffend, but I've seen letters on this site from people who did it once and swear they will regret it for the rest of their lives. So it's hard to generalise and/or read your ex's future from one massage receipt.What does not seem to be in question is the fact that your ex has a significant sex drive and is probably getting sex from you - even though you feel icky afterwards - and perhaps others, right now. He seems to be a good candidate for more extracurriculars once he feels like he's back in your good books and off "probation". That's just an opinion, but... you asked.What's of more concern to me is his dependance on dope and the friends whose lives revolve around it. If he can't give it up after a *year* of, he says, trying - then he lies to you about his consumption - he's either completely lazy and disrespectful, or possibly psychologically addicted. He could be both. So ask yourself: Knowing that, and the fact that he's extremely likely to go back to his old ways when and if you take him back, is he worth it?Speaking as someone who, on several occasions, had sex with my ex-husband (who I could, even then, barely stand to look at), I might suggest that the passionate sex you two had could have resulted from a certain level of desperation and/or loneliness, perhaps aided by the relief in knowing each other's bodies very well. However, the fact that you felt dirty afterward (as I did also in that circumstance) says that your real feelings are leaking through. The way it reads to me is, you don't seem to actually want him, but you feel compelled to give him another chance.Other people who've responded have said this as well, or better, than me but: Sorry hon, he's not all he's cracked up to be. Let him go and move on. You certainly won't be worse off without him and I think he's had enough time to prove that he's not as strong and determined as you need him to be.
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reader, Rainee  +, writes (13 May 2005):
 Look at it from an outsider's point of view.1) He cheated on you. And not only that, he paid to do it! He didn't even try to cover his tracks which means he is a dolt (who wants that anyways?) or that he either consciously or subconsciously wanted to be caught (haha, I'm getting it on the side).2) He's a druggie with druggie friends. He might be cutting down for you, but then he lies and "cheats" with that, too. He has no commitment to give up - if he truly was committed to give it up, he'd have to get rid of the friends first, as they are keeping him from getting better.3) Now that's he's not getting it regular with you, now he's paying for porn. It's hard to stop viewing it once you've started. If you take him back, expect to have to deal with that little problem now.4) He makes you feel dirty - yes, your body may want the sex, but it wrecks you emotionally because your mind is disgusted with just /what/ you've have sex with. Listen to your mind! If he was going to get better, kicking him out should have opened his eyes - it's now a year later and he's not any better. He's dragging you down with his emotional fits and you're feeling awful about all this, too. He's /hurting/ you. Let him go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2005): i believe if someone does that to a person it is unforgiveable. If he did it once he will do it again. I think you would be better off without him
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reader, rphillips +, writes (12 May 2005):
Once a cheater always a cheater. That is the rule. And if your guy is the exception to the rule, that is a good thing. But can you trust him again. You will always be wondering if he is where he says he is, if he is doing what he says he is doing. Plus, when you mix in the drugs the whole story sounds horrible. LET HIM GO.No man should make you feel dirty, and if he does then he is not worth it.
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