| A ,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend of four years asked me to move in with him. I want to get married. He says, "This will be a new beginning for us and will lead to marriage." I feel like since we've been together for so long, why do we need this? He's been iffy about getting married for awhile now. Part of me just wants to move on. My question is: What does this mean? Why would he ask me to move in without getting married?
View related questions:
move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (13 May 2005):
 I suspect that this means he can tell that you're getting restless and he wants to keep you hanging on... but without any obligation on his part.You've probably been giving him cues - or maybe you've said it outright - that you want him to be serious enough about your relationship to marry you. But it appears that, even after 4 years, he isn't sure he wants to do that, so he made a token gesture that he hopes will placate you, without his having to make an actual decision.It's kind of a lose-lose situation, though. By moving in together, *you* don't really get what you want (commitment, stability, the confidence to think about possible kids) and *he* doesn't really get what he wants (the ability to pretend he's still single). Furthermore, by raising the possibility that this will "lead to marriage", he's moved the goalposts out of reach.He doesn't say WHEN it will lead to marriage, or WHAT will be the trigger that makes him hop up one afternoon and start shopping for wedding rings, so he's really being a little deceptive.If you really want to get married to him - and I think he sounds a bit dodgy as a lifetime partner, but you didn't ask about that - you need to recogise this little bit of chicanery for what it is. Tell him that shacking up isn't what you had in mind, unless he has definite plans for marriage that you can start circling on the calendar. But don't be conned into thinking that moving in together is a "rehearsal marriage". It's not; it's a way for him to keep getting what he's getting without settling down and commiting to you.If he doesn't actually have any marriage plans, you need to make your decision based on that admission. You can stick around and continue as you are. Or you can find someone else. There isn't much middle ground, I'm afraid.
|
