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writes: I have been with this guy for 5 yrs. He is not a very open person, it is just the way his family is.Anyway, I'm 37 and he is 27. He recently proposed. I accepted. I have never been married nor has he. I do have 2 teenagers but they are not the problem. The problem is, the other day he got a Playboy in the mail. I was a little upset, wondering what he needs this for. When I asked him about it, he said it was no big deal that he reads it (I'm not stupid). To me this is a big deal, so this was bugging me because he just couldn't understand the way it made me feel.Is there something I'm not doing to make him happy in this area? I'm not a bad-looking woman, in pretty good shape - not as in shape as him, but not bad.So anyway this issue has my wheels turning, so I was looking for this Playboy and stumbled upon a porn movie. What is going ? We used to watch these together now what, he is hiding them and watching them alone? He tells me it's his brother's and that he has had it for months but has not watched the whole thing. This too he says is no big deal. Our sex life has been a little off lately; it used to be more consistent. I just don't understand why he is hiding these things from me, if it's no big deal. I am feeling very hurt and confused, not to mention old. Any good advice would be greatly appreciated. I just feel so empty.
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reader, Wildberries +, writes (23 May 2005):
I agree. The fact that this used to be a togetherness thing and isn't anymore raises an eyebrow. But then I wonder about the marriage proposal. If the magazines make you feel old, maybe this is a self confidence issue too. A very real talk is in order... No crying, accusations, anger or any of that garbage. Just get to the point and gently but firmly find out what gives. If it is no big deal why is it suddenly something he feels the need to keep to himself when he obviously knows he doesnt have to? Only he can give you the answers to that...Good Luck!!!
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (16 May 2005):
 I think the main issue here is not being addressed.The fact that your boyfriend is looking at porn and it seems to do this mostly behind your back, appears to be a symptom that there is something amiss within your relationship. I'm not suggesting that looking at porn is wrong but in your particular case, as your sex life has dwindled somewhat and your partner seems to be rather secretive, I think the subject of porn is merely highlighting that there are some problems within your relationship that need to be studied.The fact that you used to look at porn together and now you don't and that your boyfriend is being somewhat insensitive to your queries means that you both need to sit down and do some serious talking.Ask him how he is feeling about your relationship now. How does he see your future together? Is there something bothering him? He has proposed to you and you have accepted which suggests he wants to spend the rest of his life with you but ask him why he feels the need to be suddenly secretive. Suggest to him that you watch porn together again like you used to. Think of ways that together you can get the spark back into your sexual relationship. I think this is the real issue that needs to be dealt with before you can go any further.Forget the subject of whether porn is right or wrong, everyone seems to want to jump on the band wagon of either announcing it is harmless and that all men do it (they don't actually) or suggesting ways to 'get back' at a man who looks at porn. Instead, address the real issues here; your relationship and what you can both do to improve it.I hope this helps.
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reader, dan102938 +, writes (16 May 2005):
I think it's terrible that he is doing this to you. I bet you feel like you're not good enough to be as good as the pictures and videos and crap. Just say if it's no big number then let's watch it together and stuff and then he's be on the stand and have to answer about it. And also say no more "smack smack" until you give you porn crap up and stand by it...I'm sorry he's doing this to you and I hope he will learn not to be stupid about it and crap. bye bye good luck
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (15 May 2005):
 I'm of the opinion that men like porn, and that making an issue of it simply drives it into hiding.Men don't always use pornography as a substitute for real, satisfying sex. Sometimes they just look at it for a thrill, and it's times like that that porn really is "no big deal".If it's becoming all-consuming, or if it's a substitute for sex with you, when you want it, then yes, I agree it's a problem. But if he's only flicking through a Playboy, or borrowing his brother's DVD for a lazy afternoon, then so what? It's only visual stimulation and he might just as easily gotten that by perving on topless sunbakers on the beach, while your back was turned. You can stamp your feet and wish it wasn't so, but men like to look. Men have backed me up on this statement.Women torture themselves way too often with this question, thinking that porn is some sort of "competition" for their man's affections. If you accept that most men like to look at unrealistic photos of unattainable women, you'll save yourself a lot of headache.Your man has already told you that it's not a threat to you. Why not try to accept that at face value? If your sex life is "a bit off" do you really think that it's because he looked at that Playboy magazine? Hardly! He's likely to have been looking at porn since he was 12 or 13... certainly since you've known him. It's only that you just found out about it that it became an issue. Anything "off" in your sex life is probably more likely because you're feeling threatened and withdrawn.Let it go and choose more worthy battles. You'll be a lot happier.
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reader, star3482 +, writes (14 May 2005):
Men see porn much differently to women. They really believe that its harmless and to them it is. All men have a wandering eye and get off on porn and slutty women, but it doesnt mean he would ever want one of those women as his partner. my (now ex) boyfriend used to have pictures of topless women around his bed! and i used to have to wake up to these in the mornings! it wasnt nice so i said if he doesnt take them down then i'll start posing for pictures and then he can have my pictures around his bed. he forbid me to do it and took them down. ha ha - anyway you could try that and if it doesnt work then just tell him how much they hurt you and if he loved you he will stop. (although this usually just makes them start hiding it from you)
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