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*targrace
writes: I have been happily married for 10 years - my husband turned round to me a couple of weeks ago and said our marriage is over! No particular reasons, he was just unhappy. He has now told me he has gay feelings for someone and doesn't know how to deal with them; he has no feelings for 'women' anymore. But he still wants me to be friends for the sake of the children. He has not acted on his feelings yet .... could this be part of mid life crisis? He has just turned 50. Please help. I am trying to understand. THANK YOU. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2008): I just wanted to say that I am 52 and divorced. I have had these feelings also but fought them. I am done fighting them. I have been talking to this really nice man and we are going to meet soon. I have dated a number of women but dont care to anymore. I am not denying it anymore. I am gay and am going to enter into my first gay relationship. It feels good to come out and say it. It has been difficult but I know it's the real me.
Ron
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (10 May 2005):
 Hi dear,Sorry to say, most midlife crises do not involve a sudden reversal of sexuality. It's usually more to do with ridiculous antics that "prove" that he's still sexy and virile, things like buying newer, bigger cars, or dating younger women, or getting hair transplants.When a man of 50 tells his wife that he has gay feelings for a specific man - try to imagine how hard that would be for him - then it seems pretty clear that he's had them for a long time. Maybe he was ambiguous about his sexual preferences for a long while and it's just now bubbled to the surface. Maybe he's always known, and turning 50 just made him face it.You are a jewel for trying to understand your husband and why he's suddenly told you this, and I hope that he appreciates that. Many women would simply have not wanted to deal with it and thrown him out.What it boils down to, in essence, is this: he believes that he's attracted to men (or a man) and not to women. That makes it extremely difficult for you to do anything to rescue your marriage. In effect, he's taking his bat and balls (no pun intended) and walking away. Now you have to deal with that fact.You may not be able to change the way he feels, but he's right about one thing: you need to try to remain friends. If he really is gay (and has been denying it for so long), then this isn't a "choice" on his part; it's just what's always been there. He doesn't need to have opprobrium added to the mix that he already has to deal with.Ask him if he'll go to marriage counselling with you, so that at least you can understand what led him to this surprise announcement. Tell him that you need him there so that you can get the "closure" that you need. If he won't go, go yourself anyway, so you can talk about the feelings that you have about this. (Check your phone book's government listings for low-cost counselling.)Do try to remain friends with him, if it's possible. It's bound to confuse your kids and they'll need him close to continue to be a good dad and to try to explain why he had to do this.Be strong and keep going! You're a rare women to be so considerate...
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