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anonymous
writes: I don't understand my boyfriend lately. Things are going so good for us, then he turns out like an animal and treats me awful, IE answers me nasty, makes me feel like I cannot do anything right. I don't say anything or complain. He always wants to know where I am going etc but god forbid I ask him.... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2005): I've had the same problem before. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years, and in the last 6 months he changed a lot. If i told him that he is being unreasonable about something, then he finds a way to twist all of the blame onto me, even when I know that it is 100% not my fault. My friends think he is more moody than a girl! But when things are good between us, it couldnt be better. In my opinion that far outweighs the bad side. I have had a lot of bad news in the last year, and my self confidence has been knocked for six. He tended to play on those weaknesses when he goy angry - he knew that it hurt me, but he is very stubborn and doesnt want to back down. I dont know if that sounds familiar or not, but the way i see it, is that he's gone too far to admit that hes actually the one who is wrong.When people say, oh get rid of him it's not worth it, its really not as simple as that. You have to think about how much you want him in your life and can you see a happy future. Does he have the potential to change. And also, if he gonna affect what you do in the future? (ive had that control problem before and you have to think about You.)I know it sounds awful, but when things were at its worst for me, i wrote him a letter, explaining i wasnt ranting on at him, but these things really affect me in a bad way. That way he cant interrupt and make you forget what you wanted to say. Often its little things you should write, that he won't even consider that hurt you. Has there been an event that has changed him or you? It sounds like it might be jealousy or insecurity but the thing is, you have to stop backing down and making yourself feel guilty for something that you haven't done. If the reason is something like 'he wants you to stay with him and is scared of losing you' he has to realise that the more he does this, the more it drives you away. If he starts going on and on, it makes him feel better when you try to fight back, because you might have become weak against him and he'll always win! If its on the phone, tell him that hurt, and you're going now coz its not fair on you, and just put down the phone. I always made the mistake of staying on the phone, then the conversation would change to me proving that I love him, and apologising. If you've told him and made him realise hes hurting you, and hurting you on purpose is not on. This may already be the case, and hes still carrying on like this and if it is, you're the only one who knows how much you care for him. Just think about you.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (18 May 2005):
 In your shoes, I wouldn't put up with it. Nobody should have to feel bound to a person who doesn't treat with them with respect and affection. Your boyfriend might be going through some stress - maybe - but that doesn't excuse nastiness. There are plenty of civilised ways to express frustration and/or anger, without hurting someone else, or making them feel bad about themselves!I would ask you: why don't you complain? Why should you continue to bear this sort of abuse from him? What will happen if you stand up for yourself and say, "Hey, stop behaving like that. You're not my master. You're my partner, so start acting like it!" You think you might lose him? Oh, if only! Please give this guy a lot of room... preferably somewhere outside your front gate. He sounds angry, childish, vindictive and controlling, and why would you want to be with someone like that? If a stranger at a bus stop started haranguing you and telling you that you're worthless and useless, you'd think he was a nutcase and you'd leave - fast! So why do you think that your boyfriend (who's supposed to be on your side) should be able to do those things that would scare you from a stranger?This guy sounds like a borderline abuser and I worry about his constant checking up on you. If he shows other signs of an abuser, like trying to isolate you from friends and family, running you down and telling you that you're "crazy" or "stupid" or "ugly", or trying to tell you where you can go or who you can talk to... RUN. I've been there and it's not a pretty place. Either grow a spine and tell him to start treating you respectfully, or throw him out of your life. You really don't need people like him.
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reader, envy +, writes (18 May 2005):
maybe you should try talking to him, try and find the cause of these outbursts. is it jealousy etc? either way whatever the reasons you need to tell you`r boyfriend that his behaviour is not acceptable and he should seek professional help. all too often women get stuck in this situation and it is just not on. his behaviour now could lead to far worse in the future either he changes or you seriously consider packing your bags and geting out of that relationship before he wears you into the ground
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