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male
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anonymous
writes: A greatly appreciate you taking the time to help me. Here's the story. I am a 25 yr old guy who has been going out with a wonderful, very attractive young lady for 4 mths. She works as an engineer and just recently told me that her workplace is offering a "retreat" for 5 days during which time they will do various team bonding tasks and undertake cultural sensitivity training. Now this "retreat" will be attended by approximately 40, mostly single, 20-30 yr-old males, one of which happens to be her ex-boyfriend (and is still very interested to get back together!). There will only be TWO females in attendance! Now, I have never considered myself to be a jealous kind of guy, and to be fair, my girlfriend has never given me reason to doubt her fidelity, but the above situation sends a chill down my spine. Am I being paranoid or do I have a legitimate reason to feel distressed? I don't think this "retreat" is compulsory so maybe she shouldn't go? It just seems to me that if you lock a couple of beautiful girls away with 40 young, horny guys (one of which is an ex!), add a lot of free time and alcohol then you may have an volatile situation. Please give me some advice because this is really causing me some anxiety.Yours thankfully, Dave
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (16 July 2005):
 Yes, dear; you ARE being paranoid.
Why do you keep writing the word retreat in quotation marks? Is it because you suspect that it's something not entirely on the level? Do you think there's something inherantly untrustworthy about your new girlfriend or her motives with her co-workers?
I think you're putting yourself through hell over nothing here. You have little or no say in what she does with her professional life, and personally, I'd suggest you need to pull your horns in on the territoriality.
First: you and your girlfriend have only been together for four months. You're new on the scene, and even if you've been seeing each other exclusively for all that time, you really don't have any leverage to make suggestions about whether she should go to this retreat or not. She will certainly consider your objections, but in the end, it's really her choice, since it's her career and her company.
Second: Your anxiety is of your own making. She's not been unfaithful to you up to this point, so why would that change? Do you think that your professional, teriary-educated, adult girlfriend might not be strong enough to resist the lure of sleeping with Jake from Accounts?
Honestly, sweetie, if your relationship is so unstable that a few beers and a rope-walk through the forest could make her sleep around, then you don't have anything worth saving anyway.
Third: It's her EX-boyfriend. If she'd wanted to get back together with him, she'd be with HIM, not you, right?
My suggestion is that you carefully unhook your fingernails from the sofa cushions, wrap your arms around her in a loving embrace before she leaves and tell her that you'll miss her terribly. Then smile, wave, and think of the enjoyment you'll have when she gets back, full of stories of the idiot 20-somethings trying to challenge and outperform each other for the entire retreat, just to get the attention of the facility manager. It's a business retreat, after all, not a cruise to the Bahamas.
Please, do yourself and your girlfriend a big favour and get a grip. She's a big girl, and she's with YOU.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2005): First of, it's healthy and normal for jealousy to be part of a relationship, within reasonable limits of course (as long as it is not a motivator of rash actions or extreme feelings that may worry your partner or make them feel uncomfortable.However, I don't really think it would be a good idea to ask your girlfriend not to go. Obligatory or not, you wil only make her feel controled and under pressure. But worst of all you will only make her feel like she has bad judgement and no self-control. Women like to feel that someone strong and manly has entrusted them with something very important, loyalty to him.I suggest you make sure she knows you love her and that you'll miss her, ask her to have tons of fun, but not to wear herself out because you have something nice waiting for her when she comes back. Create anticipation, you'll be in her mind.Last of all, remeber to act very cool and together before she leaves, but do something small yet super-romantic like hiding a rose or a love note in her suitcase. She's your girl, and if you're smart enough, you'll keep yourself in her heart and mind always!
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