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female
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*edhotbrit
writes: I lived with a man 22 yrs my junior. He is very controlling and power driven. He became violent and I have a permanent restraining order against him. I didn't want to care for him anymore so threw him out. He has another woman now who is caring for him. Gave him a car to drive and apt to live in. I can't stop obsessing about him and feel I'm an inadequate woman because he's not beating on this woman like he did on me. I feel she has him in check. Will he continue his pattern? Was it my fault? I need to get out of this cycle. Part of me wants him back but I know he's very dangerous. H E L P
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female
reader, salsa_de_tomate18 +, writes (20 July 2005):
Let him get on with his life and don't worry about what he's doing with his current squeeze.Who cares if they're doing anything different? The main thing is how he was with you, remember that! Wasn't nice was it? People like that don't change! You got to move on and try to meet someone who can give you the love you deserve. The fact that you are still worrying about what your ex is doing leads me to belive that you still care for him.You need to be free of that. Start meeting new people. Join a social club, invite friends for a night out anything that can take your mind off that loser. This girl seems to be providing him with a lot, my guess is she's not getting much in return. You don't need a loser, spunge like him. Your free!! Weh heh, you had a lucky escape girl. Everytime you think of that, heave a huge sigh of relief. The fact you did that shows you're much stronger that you think. wink *
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2005): Abuse is abuse and nobody deserves to be abused. So rather than feeling inadequate you should muster up the compassion & strength to warn his new g/f just what he put you through. You are entitled to hate what he has done to you. You are entitled to feel anger at him. Allow yourself that. But to feel inadequate? He hurt you, he caused pain and heartache in your life and you feel inadequate because he may not be doing this to his new g/f? I know you don't wish this type of treatment on her...so be strong, get back your self-love and realize he is one sick puppy. He has made you full of self-doubts about yourself. He was wrong..don't let him do that, anymore.
Physical abuse often goes with emotional bullying and a disregard of the other person's feelings. Can you not see what his abuse did to you? He took away your sense of value as a human being. He took away your self-confidence. Whatever you may have done or not done, you DID not make him abuse you. It was his CHOICE to be a cruel animal and hurt you. If he got upset with you he could've CHOSEN other avenues to deal with his frustration. He could've walked away until he cooled off..he could've hit a few cushions!
You are still wounded and you could benefit from seeking some good counseling. Look into finding a confidence or assertiveness course in your area, perhaps through your local library, adult education or community centre. Developing friendships and perhaps your career could also help you feel strong enough to behave assertively with people in the future who could possibly try to hurt you. I pray you never have to endure this again, though.
You are entitled to your physical and emotional safety. You are entitled to good love, which is nourishing and stable. Once you get back the self-esteem he stole from you, you will find another guy who will treat you with the respect and consideration you deserve. Seek self-love and learn to trust again. Their are some amazing wonderful men out there. Go out and be happy. Best wishes and my heart goes out to you.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (20 July 2005):
 Bev is right in saying that more than likely he is abusing his new woman already with perhaps veiled threats and intimidation and exploiting her own vunerabilities. I wonder how you know he isn't physiclly hurting her? Do you have contact with her or with him?
I would advise you not having any contact, not because you shouldn't be concerned for this other woman but because you need to protect yourself and move on. I feel that attempting to warn her may not be such a wise move on your part as it could very easily be misinterpreted as jealousy and used against you. If he learnt of your warnings, he would only run you down to her in which to make himself seem something that he isn't and the good deed you had done could backfire. You don't need that. You must look after yourself.
You are not inadequate; in fact you are extremely strong in facing what you have and achieving all you have. He will assume a controlling position with her eventually. I know they say leopards don't change their spots and there is some truth to that. Let's put it this way, if he doesn't use physical violence against her, he will be abusive at some point and she will get to learn that he is far from perfect.
Violence against a woman is a means of control and he will find a method that is suitable to control her. She is not to be envied.
Remember all that you have been through and start to live again. Try to put him to the back of your mind and move on with your life. Write down today some goals you would like to achieve and set about achieving them. Spend some time with your friends, confide in them but distract yourself by doing and thinking of other things.
He is part of the past now, one which you escaped. Relish this freedom and move on.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (20 July 2005):
 It sounds as if he's up to the same old tricks. Look how fast the other woman snapped him up and is already "taking care" of him! You can bet he's playing on all of her insecurities and gradually tightening her emotional "leash" with muttered threats and "playful" violence.
No, I think it's unlikely that he's treating her any differently than he treated you. She won't have him "in check", because if she did, he'd leave. Controlling, abusive types get their pleasure from causing pain. Right now, he'll be in the extra lovey-dovey phase, ensuring that his new girlfriend is completely dependant on him and drawing her away from anyone else who might be able to support her or point out that he's not quite perfect.
It's even possible that he's secretly applying pressure, or verbally abusing her, right now, away from public scrutiny. You can't really know.
Remember, dear, there is nothing wrong with you for leaving him. In fact, you showed good sense and tremendous strength in throwing him out of your life. Good on you!
Feel pity for the woman that he's with now, and maybe, if you know her, warn her about what happened to you, so she can make an informed descision before she gets bound up with him too tightly.
Men like you describe don't change; they just go underground. It's horrible to think, but I know it's true.
Take care of yourself!
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