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female
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writes: Hi, I have a problem that I have a friend who always quarrels with her boyfriend about everything, but both of them do still love each other very much. She has asked for my opinion whether she should break off this relationship. What can I suggest to her? Reply to this Question
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reader, becky05 +, writes (17 July 2005):
Tell her only she can decide whether she wants to stay in the relationship or not. tell her what you would do in her situation but dont tell her what to do.
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female
reader, angelina +, writes (16 July 2005):
Telling her your opinion is pretty much useless. If you tell her you think she should break it off, and she does, and then she's unhappy, she'll blame you. Or if she ends up marrying him, she'll be mad at your for telling her to break it off. You really can't win.
Instead, maybe you should try talking her through it and exploring the options. When she asks you what she should do, turn it around and say, "Well I'm not sure, what do YOU think you should do?" Explore with her what the future holds if she leaves him, versus if she stays, etc. She probably just need you to be her sounding board, you ask the right questions, which will prompt her to think about it and clarify her thoughts on it.
Often when people get into this cycle of fighting, they are purely in reactive mode, or crisis mode, and don't have a chance to slow down and get in touch with how they are thinking and feeling. The fact that she is asking you this shows that she knows on some level something is wrong, and I think what she really needs is for you to support her, and help her come to realize what SHE really wants, instead of you telling her what she should do.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (16 July 2005):
 Your opinion isn't very important, because it's not you arguing with her boyfriend and having to deal with that all the time.
What you should be saying to your friend is "My opinion is that you need to do whatever will make you happy".
Some people are drama queens. They love to argue and fight because they get hooked on the adrenaline and the make-up sex afterwards. Your friend might be one of those people.
Other people make the mistake of dating controlling bullies (both men and women can be bullies), and end up arguing because their partner taunts and threatens them all the time. So maybe that's what's happening to your friend.
The point is, you don't know because you're not part of it. The next time your friend talks to you about the fighting, tell her that you don't date her boyfriend, so you don't know what it's like. Ask her if she wants out of the relationship with him, if that would make her happier than she is now. If she says yes, then be a good friend and help her all you can.
If she says no, then tell her that's her decision and that if she doesn't want to leave him, then she shouldn't complain about the quarrelling.
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female
reader, hopeless +, writes (16 July 2005):
The only thing is honesty is the best answer. She's your friend and she probably has trust in your response. Just let her know that you're there for her no matter what her decision is. Guys come a dime a dozen but friendship lasts forver.
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