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female
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*horthand
writes: My husband and I are separated for 18 months after 23 years of marriage. It was an abusive marriage due to his anger. He now says that he has changed with the help of God. He says he loves me and wants to be a good man to me. He wants us to get back together. I am scared and don't really feel that I love him. I think there is too much water over the bridge. What should I do?
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female
reader, angelina +, writes (17 July 2005):
Trust yourself. You feel scared, you don't feel like you love him. Those are warnings your body is sending you to STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN! Follow your instincts. They are there for a reason.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (17 July 2005):
I have my own opinion on this.
Firstly I dont believe that your husband will have changed at all, hes just trying to get back with you.
Secondly if he has changed, he must be very involved with god now for to have changed so quickly -18 months- after being an abusive man all his life. Its very difficult to change bad habits in such a short space of time.
I would make him prove to you that hes changed and, if you want, you can give things another try but I would be very wary.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2005): I am so glad you are away from this violent man. The real sad thing as far as the perpetrators of domestic violence are concerned, is that a very small percentage of them change their ways – even with long term, aggressive extensive therapy. These men are not trained from a very young age, to have healthy relationships with anyone and are in a habit of resolving their conflicts by means of violence. They inflict their baggage from the past on their current partners and seldom see anything wrong with what they are doing. They see their partners as possessions under their control, from whom they would tolerate no insubordination. They also have a tendency to hold their partner responsible for their behaviour and to accept no liability for their actions, whether they result in broken bones, enormous psychological damage, or even death. He will behave himself for the first few months and then the abuse will start once he knows he's wedged back in your life. Once he's back in your home and life, "How long are you willing to wait for him to stop abusing you, again? You've already spent 23 years, are you willing to spend another 23 more? Because that will happen. Don't risk it.
Absolutely, without a doubt, no abusive, violent man can change themselves in that short of time. He is conning you. You need time to heal, time for yourself. Move ahead and make a healthy happy future for yourself..think of you. You deserve happiness..you really do. Be strong and stay safe! Take Care....hugs
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (16 July 2005):
 How much can a person who abused you for 23 years change in 18 months?
Sorry, hon, but this sounds *so* fishy to me. In all the time that you were together, he couldn't find the strength to treat you well, but as soon as you're separated for a little while, God Himself intervenes, huh? Not likely.
Your husband is using the classic abuser's con, in which he SAYS, "Oh, I swear to God, I've changed! Just take me back and let me prove it", while all the time he's THINKING, "I don't feel powerful any more. Oh God, I need someone to push around."
Trust your instincts on this one. You don't owe him a single thing, and you're damned smart to get as far away from an abuser as you can. You say that you don't feel that you love him, and I think there's a good chance that he's telling lies because he wants to have that controlling, angry power over someone again. He came back because you were easy to control, once.
I suspect that he's using God as a lever with you, because he feels that you're religious and he thinks it will give his claim to have changed more veracity if he invokes the name of the Almighty.
Personally, I'd be running hard and fast as far away from your husband as I could. Don't take a chance on letting him back into your life. Your feelings for him are gone, and he had 23 years to "be a good man" to you.
Move on.
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